missed

i remember a long time ago, i wrote something chinese-y on my blog. wait, i didn't post it on my blog, it was just some email. it was probably the last time i cleaned my email (making a mental note to clean it later) too. there was this email for me that had chinese and english in it. i wonder if i'll be able to trace it back after having to not look into for months and months but yes, there were some chinese in that email and i remember, laugh out loud, making you read it aloud for me. i wonder if i remembered it wrongly but i knew you were extremely embarressed. i also remember that was probably one of the first time i thought you were so adorable. and that how at the every start of the day, when i woke up to your voice or the notes you left, i fall in love with you all over again.

today was a down day for me. i'm all out of tears and i'm all but lost. i can't believe after so long, it still hurts to talk about you. and when i said i missed you, that would probably be a wrong statement because even if i don't realize it, subconciously, i still miss you - everyday.

i still hope you don't come around. you don't need to see me like this. and if you do come around, i hope the chinese creeps you out and you'll decide to close instead of reading on.

一切早就開始了　一切卻還未輝煌
觸摸到手指　不代表敲動他心房

我爬到高山的一半　想要回頭怎麼辦
風撼動我的肩膀　汗揪著我的衣裳

誰願意失敗　失敗　再失敗
誰高興期盼　期盼　再期盼

我是個痛也不會說出口的人
我是個貪心也注定要不到的人
你戀戀過我　就向花依賴樹尖
但風輕輕吹　時候到幸福卻枯萎

我是個愛也不會說清楚的人
我是個懦弱也還在拼拼看的人
火熊熊的眼　別太快灰飛煙滅
榮耀若值錢　我不會掉下淚

誰願意失敗　失敗　再失敗
誰高興期盼　期盼　再期盼

我是個痛也不會說出口的人
我是個貪心也注定要不到的人
你戀戀過我　就向花依賴樹尖
但風輕輕吹　時候到幸福卻枯萎

我是個愛也不會說清楚的人
我是個懦弱也還在拼拼看的人
火熊熊的眼　別太快灰飛煙滅
榮耀若值錢　我不會掉下淚

痛也不說出口的我　
不怕掉下淚

痛也说不出口的我 - 楊培安.

today

despite having loads of thoughts in mind and loads of things i wish i could say but can't, i come here now with nothing to say. and this sentence is typed after backspacing 6 sentences that i have come up with and that i'm not happy with.

anyways, today is just crappy. despite work being crappy, everything else that goes with today is crappy. crap T_T

also, today is a very sad day for me.

i wonder how time always seems to be able to slip by me so fast. it's like a blink of an eye and boom, i am here. this morning was excruciating as because of work, i have to keep writing the date and it burns me everytime slowly.

'Human beings are funny. They long to be with the person they love but refuse to admit openly. Some are afraid to show even the slightest sign of affection because of fear. Fear that their feelings may not be recognized, or even worse, returned. But one thing about human beings puzzles me the most is their conscious effort to be connected with the object of their affection even if it kills them slowly within.'
i copied this from my dearly beloved pillowtalk's tumblr. hope you don't mind.

at the sight of 'dearly beloved', i am pretty sure he is going to DO NOT WANT me. correct me if i'm wrong.

i hate today. fuck.

proposal

i was sitting on a chair, no, a log. i was sitting on something. i couldn't remember what it was. all i could feel was my heart beating - faster and faster as if it was going to fall right out of my chest if it could. something about the people around me made me excitedly suspicious. it was as if something good was coming, something i'd always wanted. so okay, i'm sorry to say i forgot most of the beginning parts but there was one part i would never, hopefully ever, forget. a colleague said something out loud and barked out a mocking laughter. i shied away because i knew it was about me for some reason and then i saw him piercing his eyes through mine. i remained where i was. for a moment, i thought i was made of stone because i couldn't move. i felt short of breath as if i was anticipating something. calm-before-the-storm-like. and then, there were more laughters. it seemed clearer to me - my surroundings. if i'm not mistaken, we were sitting somewhere in a forest where their roots and branches were benches or we were sitting somewhere with pillars high enough for him to be sitting a distance away from me but higher up. like i said, i don't remember all the specifics but before you know it, he flashed his beautiful smile and walked towards me. i felt everyone around me go still and myself standing up as if something really good was finally going to happen. something good was finally going to happen to me. from out of the blue, he reached from his back, a ring, and got down to one knee - asking for what i think he thinks i think he is asking for. i felt myself saying oh my gosh, completely flushing and his name. it was then i realized, my dream had been in black and white until the moment he pulled out the ring and the blue diamond in the centre shone like there was no tomorrow.

AND THEN I FUCKING WOKE UP! -.-

it was such an awesome dream. a proposal, something in real life, i would have almost never accepted if it was coming from the wrong person. after waking up and going to the toilet to wash up, it struck me that i never got to say yes to the man of my dreams - as much as i wanted to. dang it! -cries-

i'm glad it was a dream. first and far most, i will never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever reveal the identity of this man of my dreams. haha, yeah, he was someone i knew, and recently grew quite fond of because he had one of those to die for grin-smug-smile :3 and second of all, i would have never said yes in real life. i have maritalphobia and i'm not afraid to admit it :D

so that was my morning coffee. God has been nice to me and i'm grateful. for 30mins or so, i allowed myself to drift into the world of make believe and day dream his beautiful grin. i'm such a bloody sucker for dudes with nice smiles -_-

and i did say that my dream was in black and white until i saw the ring. that much was true. i even reseached for the god damn ring and godddd it's so beautiful~

a beauty isn't it? it looked exactly like this but the blue diamond was even more rectanglar. i wonder how much it would cost to get one $_$

***********************

the rest of my day was basically filled with work that really stresses and drains me out at the end of the day.

and at the end of the day, i don't know if i should thank or blame my auntie for allowing me to talk to her but i got so fucked up emotional that i cried like shit for a good half hour. i really don't feel like elaborating this point because now that i have vividly explained to you my dream, i can't stop smiling like a jerk -.-

good day all, tomorrow - because of work, is going to be another god damn crappy day -.-

more than my life

it took me awhile to be able to step away from the door and watch daddy drive her away. but alas, i had to hide the facade and close the door because i knew, i had to be strong, despite whatever outcome might come out of this. i needed to be strong for the people that i can protect within my capabilities.

i wish i could apologize everything i start to raise my voice against my mom, but i can't. she is probably one of the few people in this world who can bring me to tears in seconds, though i admit, it's not too hard to get me to cry. i don't approve of what she is about to put herself through. i can't even think straight because what she is about to do is not within my control. and being the control freak i am, i hate not being in control.

i wish i could have have at least hugged her and let my guards down before she left. and i am cringing on to dear life hoping that my sister does not wake up the next minute and see me like this. i need to be strong. i need to be firm and in control - for my siblings, the people that i would have to give my life up for, should anything happen to my mom that would be beyond my control.

i know i have the tendency to think to much. so much that usually, i'm just scaring myself for no god be damned reason. yet, i can't stop myself from doing just so. preparation is key. always keep yourself mentally prepared and know what to expect - i guess that had always been silently my life's motto. what happens when you are faced with situations that are beyond your control? in my case, i suffer a nervous breakdown and just cry my god damned eyeballs out. but now, knowing that i have people to protect and people to care for, i can't be the weak on. i NEED to be in control.

i want my mom back. i want to be the kid i used to be and just hug her because i could. and i can't stop myself from crying because i don't know how to get pass that ego and tell her that i love her. and that i wish i could be there for her but i can't because she needs me to take care of my younger siblings. in order not to fail her, i have to sacrifice my chance of being with her...
i want to be with her now... holding her hands or at least just sit by her hospital bed and chat.

my brother needs not know this. he thinks mommy is at work. which makes it even harder for me to hide because everytime i think about what i can't predict and can't prepare myself for, i fall apart.

how am i going to get through tonight and tomorrow until i know she gets out of the operation room safe and in one piece? i do not know.

but God, if you see this. if you're there - watch over her for me, will you please? although i don't admit it or i don't show it, i need her - more than my life.

and in these desperate times, i can't stop myself from thinking of you and craving your comfort. till then, i'll be missing you.

not anymore

i don't know if i really have a title for this post. if you do see a title later on, i must have probably thought about it after i wrote this sentence.


i hate quiet days at work. it just becomes... too quiet. especially because the management team aren't here today, it gives me even more space and excuse to daydream or go blank.

why couldn't i have fallen in love with someone with a less common name? maybe something like Barabas or Xenophilius or Wentworth? why did it have to be such a common name? why did it have to be so common that every time i start searching for information in the system, i see it. and everytime i do, again and again, it burns a whole in my already broken heart. and i have to go through the hurt and the pain and the tears over and over again. why?

oh, i almost forgot, Happy New Year everyone. i'm not a big fan of today. to me, it's like every other day, just with a more notable date. my resolution? i didn't really think of one either. as of this moment, i'm just trying to get by day by day. the last time i asked for the day was actually a week ago, so you can see how i'm sort of enjoying and not enjoying work at the same time. whatever, this really isn't a topic i feel comfortable talking about. in my head, they're more like little pictures instead of words so unless you can find a way to go into my head, good luck trying to figure me out.

sometimes, just sometimes, i wish i was dead. or maybe, have my memories wipe clean and start anew. suffering like this is not fun. and i seem to have nobody who understands why i am in this shithole for life. how i can't love another. how i can't move on. how i'm in this till the day i die. despite saying that i would be okay if he moved on, i know deep down inside, i wouldn't be. thinking about it, i feel myself plunging back into the depths of despair. and then i realize, i was never really out of it - no matter how i convince myself that i am.

i had so many good stuff happening in my life. for some reason, the motivation never really is strong enough for me to be here. maybe it's because happiness can be shared and when doubled, it makes the world a better place. but despair, who would want to share despair? who would be strong enough to take despair? not alot of people, i'd say.

so if you know what's good for you, don't visit here again. the only reason i come here is to prevent myself from sharing my despair with other people so that they won't have to feel the way i do.

hence, if you know what's good for you - stay away.

i'd really like a piece of his mind. and god, how much i missed it. how close i was to not being able to stop myself from hanging up the phone with his voice on the other line. how much it hurts to be away. and then, it hits me like a tonne of bricks. whitney, he doesn't want you anymore. so wake the fuck up. WAKE THE FUCK UP!
that's right. he's not mine anymore.
no, not anymore.

crawl

i can't believe i am here again but i am. lol. i am at work! work seems to be awesome today somehow. maybe it was the 3 in 1 coffee i took this morning. THANK YOU COFFEE!

anyways, i'm in the hotel restaurant on the public computer and am just killing time at hand. usually during lunch, i take advantage of the free awesome wifi and download songs. it's has become a routine, i suppose. anyways! i'm just bored out of my mind and killing time!

it seems amazing that whenever i do this, i feel so inspired - especially now when i am clueless to everything that is happening in my surrounding due to the fact that i have music blasting in my ears. i feel super relaxed to the mesmerizing voice of chris brown -hearts-

i know he hit rihanna. i also know that is unforgivable. but, it doesn't stop me from feeling bad for him. when you grow up being in an abusive family, it wouldn't be surprised if you turned out to be an abuser yourself. like me, i grew up with hate and in fear that maybe one day when i get married, i might get divorced and my children will end up like me. i guess, that's the only thing that is stopping me from finding a new love. despite that, my heart is also empty. i guess, i don't have to keep elaborating why that is so.

it just struck me; exactly 4 months ago, i had already sealed my heart away for good.

anyways, i have chris brown's new song, i suppose, blasting in my ear. i haven't managed to read the lyrics with the song but it seems pretty good.

today is a sad day for me. time seems to pass so fast but still, my heart hasn't healed one inch. it still hurts to think about it. it still hard for me to go to bed alone at night. the pain hasn't grown to become any nicer to me, but i do feel like maybe, just maybe, i have grown somewhat strong enough to bear it.

with that said, i weakly let myself be the loser i am and cry for a good 8 minutes to the song Note to God - Charice.

whole

i can't believe i am doing this but i am actually blogging from work. haha. yes, can you believe it in the first place? whitney the then yi han is actually at work! ah, like i've said it once and i'm happy to say it again, I WORK HARD FOR MY MONEY! lol.

singapore was awesome! so sorry i wasn't able to upload anything on it. i was offered a job the day i got back and so, i've been super busy ever since. i think working is way better than having to be at home all day. though, i can't chiong maple much and that's gotta be the only crappy part.

i have no idea why i am doing this at the moment. it's not like i have something special to say or what. i'm just here to inform you that i am not dead. hehe.


have you ever felt whole? the feeling where you know you feel complete. i've felt that once in my life - months ago. once you have felt that way, it is no good be by yourself.

anyways, i'm really not up for emo-ing at the moment. i'd just like to get my mind off everything and focus on work. after that, hell knows what's going to happen.

a biggggg shoutout to mr. pillowtalk! i miss you and your pedo-ness. my voice still very blur so The Reader is currently out of business. and the only reason why i haven't been on msn is because i am in the gay game you call MAPLE! so if you love me, please download it and come pei me huh. i've been so tired these days, imma need your+0.5


whitney signing out. note: i am not dead. lol.

history repeated

sorry about the death scare. i thought i had breast cancer. turns out to be nothing.
thank god.
the end.

i'm back home. which is great and not great at the same time. i love being home. especially being in my room. i hate being home too. especially when my room is so small and cramped with so much crap. dang. i need a bigger room. pronto.

i tried to be a bit active on facebook today. usually nowadays, all i do on facebook is play Country Story, Sorority Life, Crazy Taxi and Crazy Planets... LOL. okay, i feel so no life right now. whatever, i plan to be less no life soon so hopefully, it'll all work out :)

a few days ago. i had an aquaintance break up with a friend of mine. i'm not sure which way was which way but yeah, they didn't make it. pity, because they looked so good together. i can't help but feel sorry for them. i want so bad to reach out to him but then again, i'm sure the last thing he needs is a reminder of what has happened and on top of it all, we're not even that close.

if i could, i'd like to tell him that he's not alone. there are plenty brokenheartians like us out there who are waiting for the right person to come along again. when something like this happen, we have to have hope that everything would one day be okay. or at least, those of us who are still hanging here are hoping for that everyday.

if she can find happiness, then i can too. if he can find happiness, then i'm sure i can too. or at least, that's what i think some people think.

there too, are other of us who prefer to carry on with life alone. nothing really moving forward, yet not really not moving at all. it's all about compromising with that broken side of you and of course, distractions.

where do i fit in? i'm not really sure yet. i guess we'll just have to wait and see. i strongly believe in the 5 stages of grief:

1. Denial
2. Anger/Resentment
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

i'm somewhere between 4 and 5. there's no more hate in me - which is awesome. i don't believe we'll be able to go back so i'm pass bargaining. i believe the stages are a cycle actually. once you've gotten 5, you come back to 1 and you start the cycle all over again. so yeah, i keep roaming around stages 4, 5 and 1. not cool. DO NOT WANT. haha.

anyhow, i'm doing my best. we all are, at this point, i'm sure. forgetting a person is never easy and so, i hope my aquaintance is doing alright. i wish you all the best - my heart goes out to you.

if i don't come home to you

i've always asked for death. seems suicidal and stupid but yes, i have constantly asked to be met face to face with death. yet, i never got it.

what i didn't know was, it was trying to catch me off guard. catch me when i feel like i wanted to live. i want to live. i don't want to die.

if i don't come home to you, if i don't make it - know that you still have my heart. keep it safe for me while i'm gone.
know that i love you and i never wanted to be parted from you. ever.
know that i was never mad at you and i forgave you for whatever you did in a heartbeat.
know that i'm sorry. for whatever i did wrong. for whatever that happened between us. for not being strong enough. for not being good enough. for not being enough as a whole for you.
know that it killed me when you left. and just as i thought i died from being apart from you, it may actually happen now. and i might not ever get the chance to see you and touch your face.

a part of me hopes you'll never come here again. i don't want you to see me like this. i'm not asking anything in return. i just... don't want to leave with regrets and leave words unspoken.

if i don't make it home to you, forget me - the way you're handling so well now.
if i don't come back, know that no matter where i'll be, i'll be watching over you; protecting you - the way i always wanted to.


i love you.
goodbye, kk.

this post

this post goes out to my dearly beloved Ah Jay PoPo :D
thank you for being there when i needed a shoulder to lean on. you were fab. sometimes, in life, i'm thankful i have friends like you to constantly remind me that i can't do things alone. and that sometimes, i do need friends to pull me up when i fall down and hurt myself.

thank you. and hahaha! you requested for this so please say thank you to me too ;) and, hehehe! even though you're not a woman, i'm glad you let me call you PoPo ;D

LOVE LOADS!