je vous vois.

dear john

2012-02-16T22:31:00.002+08:00

It's 10.32pm. Well, it's 10.33pm now. I am sitting here in my mother's office, listening to random sad songs and trying very hard to make myself cry. Because I just don't know how else to cope.

Dear John,

How have you been? Boy, I have missed you so. I can't believe it's been years since I last heard your voice or saw your face. I miss you. More than I'll ever let myself show.

Can you believe it? I met someone just like you. He was kind, funny, tall, handsome, genuine, sweet, caring and everything else that you were. His head is filled with random information, he is warm and calm, he is everything you were and more. Sorry, but it's true. He looked at me like I was the only girl in the world. He smiled at me as if I owned it. As if his smile belonged to me. He was everything you were and more. Take note of the past tense.

John, if you ever get tired of reading this, I suggest you stop. But even if you do, I am going to write to you anyways. At times like these, I just don't know who else to turn to anymore. And how I wish, I could turn to you for comfort. But I have no idea where you are or what you are doing. Nevertheless, I wish you well.

I fell so hard, so fast, John. I swear, I didn't mean to. What I accomplished with you in a month, I accomplished with him in a week. At the end of the week, the feeling was so overwhelming, it took my breath away. In the past, I always compared the boys who I was interested in to you. If they were smarter than you or crazier than you. If they made me feel as warm as you did or if they made me feel the way you still sometimes do. He made me felt that way and more.

I hope you're happy that I've moved on from you. However, it ended before it even began. He can't be with me, John. And now, he doesn't want to be. It's my fault. Again. I want to punch myself and claw my heart out for making the same mistake. It's as if I never learnt. I'm so stupid.

Something happened today. Something that made me completely disconnect myself from the world. Trust me, I have tried being optimistic about it. About being left behind because he is now into another friend. About being maybe, we might still stand a chance with whatever little time we have. But no, John. Not after today.

I want to cry the way I did when we broke up. But I can't. The pain has gone beyond tears and I am at a point where I feel like the only thing left to do is to claw my heart out and dump it in a trashcan somewhere. At times as these, I wish you were here to hold my hand and tell me that it's all going to be okay. At times as these, I wish you were my best friend again.

I can't stop thinking about him. As hard as I try. He is in my every train of thought, haunting me, killing me alive. I want to be strong. And I wish I was stronger. But I also understand that this will take time and isolation.

I wish I could show you how much he means to me and the lengths I would go to for him. But now that it is all over, there really isn't a need to anymore. I love him, John. I just wish he knew how much.

It has occurred to me that this is just a vacation to him and I am just some local desperate girl, desperate for love and affection. But I won't change the way I am. I have always been passionate, loud, proud, strong and stubborn. You know that better than I do. Though I think, it's time that I do change. Because I have a feeling if I continue like this, I might seriously end up forever alone. I don't know what you want for me but that is most definitely what I do not want for myself.

I want a husband who I can overcome trials and turbulence with. I want a husband who is stable and who wants lots of kids. I want a husband I can grow old with. I want a husband who will love me for me. Is that too much to ask?

I have dated jerks. Boys who only want me for my body. I thought that when I found him, it was all going to end. That I might just actually get my happy ending after all. But I was wrong. Boy, was I so wrong.

I am hurt. I am angry and hurt. I am angry and tired and hurt. I am also done. I am done caring. I am done giving a crap. I am done being there for people. I am done with love. I am done.

I really don't know how to end this letter. Is it even a letter? What I can promise you now is, I give up on love. No more being sad and sorry for myself. No more staring at boys, hoping they'd stare back. No more wasting time on people who care not for me the way I do them. Which also means, no more wasting time on you.

Goodbye, John. I miss you. I hope you are well. But I just can't hold on to anyone anymore. In this world, I have nobody but myself. And the sooner I see that, the sooner I will climb out of this shit hole.

I will stop expecting. I will stop assuming. I will stop pretending. I will stop caring. I will stop loving. I will stop trying.

Goodbye, John. Goodbye.

what it means to be weak.

2011-12-16T20:44:00.002+08:00

i am weak. or so you say. without even knowing the entire story, you think i'm weak. what a big joke.

everybody is weak. you. me. he. she. we. them.
Everybody.

just because i appear to be strong around you, doesn't mean that i don't have my bad days. don't you have your bad days too? who are you to call me weak? who the fuck do you think you are?

we have all made mistakes in life. some we will regret forever. some we will learn lessons from. my biggest mistake was thinking that you could give him happiness when all you did was just be stupid.

i handed him over to you on a diamond encrusted platter and instead of treasuring him, you ruined him. you need to go see a psychiatrist.

just because i show my weaker side here, doesn't mean i'm weak. have you never noticed the gap between my posts, you imbecile? what the fuck do you think happens between that time span? that i freaking cut my wrist all day and take pills to show how fucking emo i am? you couldn't be anymore fucking wrong.

i am happy. i am strong. i am me. you have no fucking right to judge otherwise.

so fuck you, bitch. there, that's my 2 cents. and if you'll excuse me, it's time for me to go be happy and go clubbing. unlike you, who is probably being a stupid stalker right now.

your voice, the soundtrack of my autumn.

2011-10-06T22:53:00.004+08:00

growing up, i've always had a silly daydream like all the other children who live in the tropical region of our planet Earth. i've always wished Brunei would snow. like Canada. i've been to Canada only once in my life and it was when i was very young. i think i was probably 6 or 7 years old but once you've seen snow, you'll never ever forget it.

if brunei had 4 seasons, that would mean that we'd be having autumn now. not taking into consideration of the countries in the southern hemisphere but yes, it would be autumn now. and it would have been troublesome, i suppose, from cleaning all the leaves but then, it would be exciting too. because autumn could only mean we would all see snow again.

i've never experienced autumn but i suppose it would be eerie. things around you die. everything turns into shades of brown. after spring and summer, i suppose it exposes the circle of life. everything must die to be born again.

i can assure you that i wasn't ready to feel this way. every single cell in my body was prepping me for a battle that i knew i had lost when you came swooping in like the handsome prince that you are. tall. dark. handsome. and those beautiful brown eyes.

i don't know how to tell you but i haven't felt like this in a very long time. a very, very long time ago, i was ready to give everything up for the one i loved. he had nothing on me and yet i was so prepared to let go of everything. with you, for a second there, i was sure i was willing to do the exact same. however, it only lasted a second because i don't love you. because i never had the chance to.

it's been 120 hours and you're still the only thing on my mind. i can't seem to drive your voice out of my head. and i'm so helpless. trust me, i want to stop thinking about you. had i known that i would be here right now, i would have never let myself be so vulnerable. but, the entire night, vulnerable was my best bet at accepting the fact that i needed to get over someone else. i was so proud that i had successfully done that and yet now, you do this to me. why?

it goes without a word that i miss you. i miss your warm smile. your hands. your voice. your laugh. your face. most of all, your beautiful brown eyes. it may not be hurting you but it's hurting me. for the first time, i'm hurting and there's nothing i can do about it. there's no distraction to distract me from it. there's no avoiding it, no running away from it.

thus, i've decided to face it head on. i will let your voice sing me to sleep in tears just because i really don't know what else to do. i sound fickle, don't i? i am indeed, a fickle fool for you.

with this post, i promise to get over you and this feeling. call it what you may - puppy crush, infatuation, love. i will drown myself in tears and be the melodramatic person that i am and eventually, get over you. it's better for us both.

however, a part of me will always regret not holding you when i could have. not kissing you when i could have. not staying longer when i should have. nothing i do will be able to turn back time, nothing i do will be able to make things right.

may you always hold a special place in my heart for being the handsome prince that you are. for having me so smitten that i feel like a 13-year-old in love with justin bieber. i will always thank you for diverting my attention that night and letting me feel things i haven't felt in so long. the warmth of someone who genuinely cared for me, however fake it might have been for you. and also, for holding my heart for me that night when i didn't have the strength to do it myself. so, thank you.

may your voice, like autumn, die in my heart as winter swoops in like an eagle with wings made of snow. may your voice, be the soundtrack of my autumn.

i'm standing under a white flag

2011-08-25T20:09:00.004+08:00

i am bitter. though bitter, i'm surprised i'm not sad.

if this happened to me 2 years ago, i probably would have killed myself already. i could have probably related myself to every sad song and cry for the whole day again like i did the last time. surprisingly, i haven't shed a tear. NOT ONE. trust me, it hurts. i've tried so hard to cry, i watched Meteor Garden, i listened to the saddest songs and i just kept forcing my mind to think about it and what do you know? Nada. Zip. Nothing. I ARE SURPRISED.

i won't lie. and i can't believe i'm actually admitting this now but when it became official(for like 2 days?), i was seriously scared. the little voice in my heart actually told me to give up. i kept thinking. is this what my whole life is going to be about? is this it? am i going to go overseas and not be able to even ogle over hot guys and remain faithful forever? okay okay. i know that makes me sound REALLY shallow but hey, sue me. there are so many things i want to accomplish in life. i want to travel the world. i want to have a home i can call my own. i want to fall madly, deeply, passionately in love. i want to live freely without commitment. i want to go out into this world, fall, hurt myself and come crawling back and say: mommy, you were right.

when it became official, i saw all those dreams disappear and i bit my tongue while erasing them. still, i erased them. because the rational little dude in my head told me that it was the right thing to do. sure, he wasn't passionate about you. sure, he's not exactly the man of your dreams. sure, you probably have to give up having a big house in australia and have a ranch and have Alaskan huskies running around in your back yard. But. But But But. He can provide. he would have been someone mommy and daddy would agree upon. he would have been someone who could give you a home and a stable life. you could have beautiful children and lead a beautiful life and grow old together. no sparks, no fireworks, Nada.

i could never let myself say these things beforehand just because, i wanted security. i needed that sense of assurance. i would have given up anything to be able to provide for my children and cater to their every needs. i would have given up my ranch, my dogs, seeing the world, falling madly in love and have all my daydreams not come true for the sake of my future children.

is it weird for me to be talking about children? i am 19 after all. but hey, there are lots of teenage mothers out there who became mothers when i was in middle school. i wonder what they think about?

there's a reason why i'm so scared. i, personally, come from a broken family. growing up, i've probably heard about a hundred stories of broken marriages and messed up children. do i ever want that to happen to me? no. growing up, wasn't easy. life was tough in the sense that, nothing you ever do is ever good enough. you were never praised, encouraged and you ARE never put first. it is also the reason why i'm so bloody selfless. because all my life, it has been hammered in me that if everyone else is unhappy, you do not deserve to be happy. it is only when everybody else is happy, then you are entitled to be happy. please don't think i'm trying to praise myself. god, i wish i could be more selfish. but every time i try to be, i let someone down. i make someone sad. and the girl that i was brought up to be shows up again and i would probably give up my life just for anyone or anything, if need be. KILL MYSELF.

i don't mean to sound rude. i don't mean to make anyone feel not good enough but i've been hiding these words for so long, my head is going to seriously explode like an atomic bomb. though i feel it doesn't change anything. when the chance presents itself again and Mr.Could-Be-The-Right-One comes knocking on my door telling me that we could have a beautiful life with blue-eyed(i wish) children together, i don't think i'll hesitate.

what about my dreams then, you may ask? i believe that at the end of the day, the smiles of my possible children will conquer everything else. at the end of the day, i know my children, may they be biologically mine, adopted, mine through surrogacy, WHATEVER; will be worth the fight.

oh and can i share just something really exciting? I KNOW WHAT I WANT TO NAME MY CHILDREN!

i remember 2 years ago, i posted some names up too. but they were something like Keanu and Keira. a very kind gentleman deleted that post so i can't recall but here goes the new names:

1. Callum Martin

2. Calleigh Rosalie

3. Jacob Shane

4. Mikaela Chantal

5. Jayden Keanu

6. Keira Gabrielle

IS IT WRONG FOR ME TO WANT TO HAVE 6 CHILDREN?! i do wish i could.

i'm surprised my mom took it better than i did. here's our whatsapp conversation:

story: my eyes were swollen for some reason that is still unknown.

mum: did you ask your friend?

me: we're really not like that anymore, mum.

sorry, i know you really wanted a guy like him for a son in law.

mum: Han for info I don't care who is this son in law is going to be but must be someone who loves you for you you are

I SWEAR. i felt so helpless. sometimes, she loves me more than i deserve. apparently, both my mum and sis knew it wasn't going to work. to have them tell me, probably made me feel like the biggest failure in the world. everybody is too caught with hurting my feelings. there has to be a way around this.

we were having a good laugh at the dining table during lunch you see. when you're in love with the person, you have to stop yourself from speaking of the flaws. but when you fall out of love, you can call him every ugly name there is in the books. if you think that's what i'm doing, YOU IS WRONG. i won't deny, i still wish i was it for him but i'm not. so why focus on those things that will make me sad and slack when i can just move on? i am strong. i will be strong.

i guess the reason why i haven't cried like i did 2 years ago is because of my sister. last year, all the things that i went through, nobody will ever be able to hurt me the way she did. 2 years ago before i actually knew what pain was, heartbreak was hell for me. but then again, always bear in mind that NO ONE and i mean NO ONE can hurt you as much as your family can. not even your soul mate of the love of your life forever or whatever. i guess i have to thank her in a way. she has made me so untouchable that no heartbreak can break me down. not that i'm encouraging her to go back to that hell of a path again but THANKS SIS!

i want so many things in life. even as we speak, i feel suffocated. i don't know what i want or where do i go from here. sometimes, there are just too many voices ringing in my ear.

however, this is where the title of this post comes in. I'm standing under a white flag. i surrender. i give it all up to the Lord. i know no matter what i say i want to do and what i want to achieve, at the end of the day, it's all in His hands. i can only pray that he will guide me to the right path for only He knows what i need and what i want.

-yawn- it's been a long day of hardcore thinking about all these chingchangwalawalabingbangs. it's time for me to go back and focus on serving the Lord by helping Fr. Paul with this review thingie thing thing.

as a friend of mine put it, FOUR MOAR DAZE YO! i am superdy duper excited!

oh, i've realized that it's been awhile so here:

i'm trying to grow out my fringe. my eyes are swollen for some reason that i seriously have no idea about. i am wearing my PJs. i have put on many many many weight.

I SAID GOOD DAY TO YOU!

false hopes and empty promises

2011-08-24T10:34:00.003+08:00

it feels like ages ago since i blogged. it probably hasn't been that long but it sure feels like it. anyhow, it's good to be back! though when i do come back, it usually means i don't have nice things to say.

i suck at bottling things up. when i have good news, i can't wait to share my joy with the world. i suppose it's harder with ugly news because i really don't like the sympathy vote. yet, there's really no way around it. i suppose my family will have to know about this soon... i hope it doesn't crush them as hard as it crushed me.

i've got a little time before i have to go on and be busy with church things for the upcoming retreat! i'm seriously darn excited but i can't seem to get my mind off of this and it's really just and itch i can't scratch. hopefully by once again, pouring my heart out here like a noob teenager in love, my mindset will shift back to my priorities and that is: school, university, church, true love, marriage, babies. lol.

-went away for 20minutes to be busy with what i call life: brother with chicken pox (btw, YAY!)-

-recollecting thoughts-

i'm actually really sad. i don't think i can lie and pretend that i'm not anymore. when things don't work out the way you want them to, you can't help it but be sad. the worst part? i could see it. everything. i could see us sitting on our porch, grey-haired, watching our grandchildren running wild in the backyard. i could see myself walking down the aisle, with my entire tear-stained face focused on you at the end of it. i could see myself in an apron, with our children in school, making the best lunch ever, awaiting everyone's return. i could see us arguing and making up because that's what husbands and wives do. i could see it all. i could taste it, almost and i wanted it. i wanted it so bad that it hurt. you gave me that hope. and then you pulled the rug from under my feet.

i probably took everything more seriously than i should have. you know me, i've always been (and always will be, might i say) a melodramatic little twerp. i won't change the way i am. i like being passionate, filled with emotions and sincere all the time. it means that i get happiness in the form of ten folds and sadly, sadness in ten folds too.

i've never banked on anyone as much as i've banked on you. just because you promised me those things nobody has ever dared to promise me before. actually, nobody in this century would dare to promise anyone any of those things. though, we've made it very clear. we were both born in the wrong century.

all those time i spent waiting for you, i focused on our future. i focused on that one little reassurance and promise. i took it all in, i held everything back. it made doing everything else so hard because i was focusing so hard on you and then it hit me. you never really said you loved me. HOW STUPID I WAS TO THINK YOU DID! and how heartbroken i felt afterwards when i waited for you to tell me yesterday night which became more empty promises and false hopes.

i know you're not the slackest person in the world. i said i'd be okay with it. i would have compromised anything for you. be anything, anyway or anyhow you wanted me to be, for you. i loved you despite your flaws. and now i'm thinking, even though you said you weren't ready, was it my flaws that ultimately held you back? was i too fat or not as beautiful or is my ass too small or boobs too flat or what? WHAT?

"even though i'm happy with her, i'm happier knowing that you are willing to do anything to become a good wife and a mother."

i suppose when i read that, that was just basically the biggest slap on the face. we were so caught up with this idea of being good parents. i was so caught up with having babies and you being the wonderful father figure. you were so caught up with having a good wife and a good mother to your children that you began to see me as only that. not someone you're in love with or someone you'd give your life up for but just: Mother of My Children and My Wife. that was never what i wanted. yeah, well sure i wanted that. my goodness, having the idea in my head now just drives me crazy and my legs feel weak but i wanted you to love me. and i wondered if that was so much to ask of you.

you were happy with her. slash that. you Are happy with her. but you'd rather give that up because i make a better mother to your children. that's just not how it works, mate. you've never been able to admit this but you probably already love her. but because you have so many obligations and bonds that you tie yourself to, you can't see it. i was just another play toy you strung around. and the idea of that just killed me. basically.

i know i brought this upon myself. i was the one who initiated this. it was suppose to be as easy as breathing. it was never meant to be this complicated. i don't know where or when but we really went off course and i fell for you like a tonne of bricks, a feeling that i know all too familiar.

yesterday night was the last straw. i realized all this time that i was with you, it has been disappointment after disappointment after disappointment. from the very beginning. i keep letting it go because i loved you. i would put aside all your flaws and pick up where you slack because that's what girlfriends do. that's what good wives do. it's safe to say that my heart is officially broken. and i'll never used the phrase broken beyond repair again because i healed myself for you. i presented you with my heart on a silver platter, patched up nicely with mickey mouse plasters and you just deliberately threw it on the ground and watch it burst into a million pieces and walked away with a grin on your face and her in your arms.

if you ever see this, i wish you all the best for all the plans you have in the future. i don't think i'll ever stop loving you. after all, i saw my entire future with you and i would have given up anything for you. at the end of the day, all i really wanted was for you to reassure me constantly that you loved me. and you just couldn't do it and it wasn't your fault.

i thank you for having the consideration of not hurting me. though, you really shouldn't have given me false hopes and empty promises. i've always pictured us being apart now and together in the future. though, i don't think that'll ever happen. you will find the love of your life one day and she will be the greatest mother and the greatest wife. you will treat her right, okay? OR IMMA CRACK YOUR BALLS!

in spite of the fact that i'm actually really heartbroken, i'm glad this is over. i can now move on with knowing that i gave this my best shot. i gave us my very freaking best shot and it just didn't work.

i sincerely wish you all the best for everything that you will partake on in the future. may the Lord bless you in everything that you do and may you become everything you strive to be.

p/s if you'd like me to say something to your face, please come forward and ask me to and i promise i won't hold anything back.

what is wrong with me?

2011-07-03T00:31:00.001+08:00

i decided to 'ask a guy out' to make the guy i actually like jealous. if nothing much happened then fine, whatever but it turned out to be the worst night of my life and he didn't even noticed. what is wrong with me?

2011-05-31T05:56:00.000+08:00

it would be as if i never existed.

a final goodbye, 2 years in the making

2011-05-18T00:54:00.004+08:00

it was a relationship only my nearest and dearest knew about. it was something i was so protective over. for a while, it was all i thought about, dreamt about, spoke about and breathed about. and then it ended - so abruptly - before i had the chance to redeem myself, before i had the chance to tell him i love him.

this is my final goodbye, to you, 2 years in the making. these past 2 years, i've grown and changed. i've become stronger, more independent, wiser, braver and have done and gone through things i never thought i would have, in my entire life. i'm sure you have too. i'm not asking for anything in return, and i am sorry i'm very outspoken about my hardships but hey, it was these hardships that molded me into the person i am today, even though you don't want this person anymore.

this is my final post about you, should you not care anymore. i'm not threatening you or anything, i've just become more realistic and more practical than i used to be. i should thank you for that, you abandonment taught me many things. as you have, i need to move on. but it doesn't mean i shouldn't dedicate one last post to you. for all the wonderful time and memories you gave me. for everything you've done for me that i never cherished. for showing you how sorry i am to have you leave me. and that i will always remember you, whether if it's okay with you or not.

you know what led you here and this video below is to ensure that you don't get the wrong idea of what i'm trying to say. if you don't ever see this, it's ok too. it has been 2 years after all. but i just want you to know, i meant everything i said. down to the very last word.

with that, i bid you farewell. i really meant it when i said i missed you.

p/s: sorry about the weird accent. i do that whenever i read stuff. sorry :/

day two without you.

2011-05-04T01:41:00.002+08:00

it is currently 1.42a.m. same location, same position as yesterday but somehow different feeling. more tired most definitely. and the below paragraphs will tell you why.

there are two things in this world i find therapeutic:

1. driving long distance.

2. blogging.

sometimes when i feel like no one out there will actually truly give a crap about me, i turn to you my most beloved blog. but i guess other times, i just don't know how to tell people. i guess i've just always been better at writing. when it comes to writing, i know i don't leave anything out. i can read and reread and make sure everything i want to say is all there. i guess that's why i love blogging so much. the tap tap tap of the keyboard is soothing for me in some sense. spacebar tap tap. backspace bar tap tap. abcdefg tap tap tap tap tap. i can assure you that i am not attention seeking nor am i asking for your sympathy. it's just the way i feel.

i also enjoy long distance driving. trust me, when you live in brunei especially in kuala belait, the longest distance you'll go on a daily basis is probably a 20 minute drive to seria. i've recently started driving long distance and i cannot begin to explain to you how amazing it feels. sure, you have lots of people complaining how much a hassle it is or how tiring it is but for me, it's really like SHABUYA awesome. sure, right now my ass hurts like crap and i'm really really sleepy but i won't be able to describe the sensation of reflection that happened in that one hour over car ride. on top of it all, it was at night. even better, for me anyways.

as you can see, my title, it rhymes. it doesn't mean much actually but it serves it's purpose - day two without you. i won't say i'm depressed that you didn't reply me. i won't say i'm angry. if you're reading this now, it means you probably read the previous one too and that might have ticked you off. i will say that i am sad because all i ever wanted to do today was just hold your hand while watching Thor. my head couldn't function properly. it couldn't think about anything else but my hand in yours and you shielding me from the scarier parts of the movie. if you don't ever come back here and read this or you've never read this before and still didn't reply me, i guess it's for the better that i let you go.

what i forgot to mention in my previous post was you didn't do inappropriate things to me. despite saying you would, you didn't and god knows i think that's hot. you have to understand that i've been said those things to before and that i was on the verge of being touched and that scary feeling, i will never be able to forget. if you ask me, i'll deny it but the moment when i realized you were the proper gentleman you were, my heart lit up like fire in rain.

i want to love you passionately, if you'll have me. i want to love you with everything i have in me, if you'll have me. i want to be everything you want me to be and more, if you'll have me.

i guess sometimes for a girl to admit that, it's just impossible. i'm not desperate. i won't push myself towards you if the feeling is not mutual. but for me, honesty will always be the best policy and i won't lie about the way i feel.

call it puppy love, call it infatuation, call it whatever you want. i know my heart and my heart longs for you.

but at the end of the day, it wouldn't mean anything if you let my physical appearance come in our way. i'm fat, ugly and there are all these other girls around me who are so much more beautiful and possibly, 'worthy' of you. if you let that get in our way, i will not be able to explain how broken-hearted i'll be but hey, i wish you well.

with this post, if you'll have me, i promise to love you despite our differences. i promise to cherish you through it all. i promise to be by your side when no one else is. come what may, i promise i'll be there holding your hands.

rebound girl

2011-05-03T03:48:00.003+08:00

i am sitting alone in my bed. it is 3.49am as i am typing this sentence. the A.C. is making lots of noise due to the fact that i've left it on 16 degrees for the past few hours in this small room. i am somewhat half lying half sitting on my bed. i'm shaking my legs like a boss. my tattoo is a little itchy and i am somewhat, tempted to scratch it. this is my blog. i suppose i can say whatever the hell i want.

i don't know why i'm here. i've been partying and going out so much that i don't even know who i am or what i strive for anymore. actually it's not that bad, i like partying and i like going out. sure, i do it to escape what i don't want to know at home but still, i enjoy it. let me clarify that i don't drink, i don't smoke, i gamble for the fun of a few dollars, i love the feeling of dancing till my legs cramp the next day and that's about it. i still believe that i am still the girl i was brought up to be and no matter how hard i party in the future, that's how i'll continue to be.

that's not the main point here. gah, i guess i'm delaying this because i don't know how to say it. ok, i'll start anyways. so yeap, i've been feeling much like the rebound girl these days. the girl that everybody has to experience before truly moving on to finding their true love. it's a very degrading thing, that i can assure you and that is why, here and now, i will put a stop to it.

for the past few days, there has been this guy in my life. sure, a week before that there was another guy but that fell apart before i could even put anything together so no, we will be talking about this guy in my life right now. i guess it is safe to say that i've known him for a good half of my life. i won't deny that i once had somewhat on a puppy crush on him but it ended there. it ended there because i wasn't pretty back then. not saying that i'm pretty now but still. i had ZIP self-esteem when i was younger when it came to picking up boys. not saying that i'm any braver now because trust me, i AIN'T. i think if i actually told the world who he was, everybody's expression would the hell be this and this alone: =O

but yes, after those years of little puppy love, he is once again back in my life and in a way i never thought he would be. it has only been a couple of days and i don't know why, but i think i just might have actually genuine feelings for him. though, obviously according to the title of this blog, he does not feel the same for me.

i will be his rebound girl. a girl he can mess around with because i am now known for my cleavage and big ass. pfft. i can't believe that i actually wanted to put myself out there and be his rebound girl. thinking about it now, it makes me feel sick. sick to my stomach. that is not what love should be. love is not groping boobs for the fun of it or doing something somewhat naughty or whatever it is (WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. TRUST ME.) but the idea of me, ms. whitney, being okay with that is just wrong.

it stands against everything i was brought up to be. appropriate, pure, trust in true love and loyal to yourself. how could i have been so stupid? to think that it would have actually worked as long as i let him touch me? it is not okay.

i have heard and seen the way he chases after the girls he liked. sure they are through a LCD laptop screen but still, the sincere teases and exchange of words will never lie. and from what i saw and heard, i am indeed the rebound girl. the girl he will use to get over someone he loved in the past just so that he can move on to someone else in the future.

this post is not only to tell myself but to all the girls as well out there that NO, it is not okay to let boys touch you just because you want him to love you back. NO, it is not okay to put yourself in a situation you are not comfortable with just because you want him to love you back. NO, it is not okay to go against everything you stand for and everything you believe in just because you want him to love you back. YOU DESERVE MORE THAN THAT. YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THAT. if he actually asked those things from you, it can only mean these things: you are the rebound girl, he loves you only for your body, he does not love you at all for he does not appreciate you.

i deserve more than that. i am worth more than that. i have a personality through my curves and layers of fats. i have a charisma that i'd love to share with the rest of the world. i have a sincere heart that beats for everyone, even those who hate me. i have a loving heart that will love anyone - fiercely, intensely, with everything i have in me - who can actually see me for ME.

with this post, i will delete every one of his message. i will not await his message on thursday. i will move on with my journey in search of my mr. right - the man who will one day be in love with me for all that i am.

my deathbed.

2011-01-22T22:19:00.004+08:00

remember i said i would do anything to cry and let the pain out? well i did it.

it was one of the most dumbest things i've ever done. period.

so there i was laying on my bed. picturing how i would die. it would be of cancer and by the time i found out, it would have already been too late for the doctors to do anything. i whisper into the ear of my lover, telling him to move on and fall in love again just as i have loved him. i was selfish enough to ask of him to remember me always and that his children, i will guard and watch over. then it was me on my deathbed after hours of struggle and heart wrenching pain, refusing treatment and completely clinging onto the tiniest bit of life that remained in the human body.it was time for me to go. at my deathbed, i was surrounded by my family. their faces twisted with pain that i wouldn't ever comprehend. i pictured my last words to them and how each of their faces would fall as i call upon their names. and then at the very last breath i take, i whisper again to my lover. i love you and i love you till my last breath. i fall into unconsciousness after having one final glance at all my family and finally, my lover. as my eyes began to shut, i can see faces turned away while some disappear all together. i fall into a deep slumber where i know i have lived a full life. never again to wake. i feel myself floating off, watching my family and lover bend over a body as if it wasn't my own and drift away with an invisible wind that brought me to a warm bright light where i knew in time, i will be united again with my family and lover.

it's really stupid of me to dream of such a beautiful ending for someone so unworthy of it like me. then again, imagination takes you to places you'll never actually go. after a good, well, half an hour cry, and falling asleep without knowing i actually did, i woke up with my eyes more swollen that it already was from my bacteria-infected-contact-lens-caused-swollen-eye. but i really needed to get it out of my system before i could move on and thank goodness, i did.

thank you for hanging on with me, guys. i love all of you - whoever that's actually out there. i will be stronger come what may. hopefully, tomorrow will be a brighter day.

there are no words for this.

2011-01-21T23:23:00.002+08:00

there are no words for the emotions i'm feeling now.

angry, sad, devastated, rage, heartbroken, dead, are all understatements.

i feel like my heart has been stabbed. literally. it hurts so bad that i can't even cry out. no tears are falling though i want them to so badly. any form. any form at all to be rid of this pain, i'd take it. i've made a run through of my suicide list and the only thing that's stopping me is the fact that i'm a fucking coward.

there will be no bright days ahead. i see nothing but dark clouds.

please, just show me a way to be rid of this pain. i want out. i'm done.

back to december

2011-01-17T17:32:00.002+08:00

i'll try to make this post fast because in a few minutes, i need to get my butt to badminton.

i can tell you that i'm honestly not too big of a fan of taylor swift. maybe it's because i can't seem to judge her without judging with what i hear about her. her changing boyfriends like she changes clothes, writing about them as if she's ALWAYS the victim, and so on and so forth, you get the flow.

but then again, i really love her. sure, i'm a little too old for her. sometimes, the tunes she sing are really for the teenagers like bop bop bop, bop to the top! but the again sometimes, her songs are so real, so raw, so relate-able.

so this is me swallowing my pride standing in front of you

saying i'm sorry for that night

and i'd go back to december all the time

turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you

wishing i'd realize what i had when you were mine

and i'd go back to december turn around and make it alright

and i go back to december all the time

if you ask me again when you actually see this, i'll deny it but i wish i had bloody "man-ed up" and kissed you when i had the chance. there are a lot of things, due to my coward-ness, i end up not doing. but with you, the pain of regret probably hits me the hardest. i wish i had held your hands when i had the chance. i remember holding you by the arm but god, why couldn't i just have held your hands instead. i wish i had looked into your eyes longer when i had the chance. i wish i could have made you smile or laugh a little more. i wish i could go back to december now and do all those things to you. i wish, i wish, i wish.

but then, just as i daydream about these impossibilities, i remember that you're a jerk and that your heart is made of stone. i've said it before and i'll say it once again that i think someone, some time ago has hurt you real bad. tore your heart apart and shredded it like a piece of paper. that is why you hide inside your shell. that is why you don't see me the way i see you. i keep telling myself that you might change, for me at least. but then again and again, you break my heart and it aches me so bad that i really want to just watch sad movies and read sad books all day and cry. i'm sad to see that i can't be the girl to change you. i'm sad to see you go.

we would have been great together. and though i've already given you shit, a part of me is still holding on to the impossible. i believe in time and God. they both will help me heal from you. you and your heart of stone. you and your power to break me with your words.

these are the words that i'm never gonna say again.

2011-01-13T08:54:00.005+08:00

my tummy is cramping very bad right now. jeez, NOT PMS. i guess when i woke up this morning, i stretched a little too far and thus, worst tummy cramp i've had in a long long time. anyways, hello everyone! it feels like forever since i've been here. if you're wondering what i did for new year, i went clubbing for the 2nd time in my life. it was fun but bizarrely tiring. i've had a couple more stints at partying after that but i'm just not one for too much hard liquor and dancing till you sweat as if you're under the hot sun. i may not be too old yet but i'd very much like to say: "i'm too old for this."

i'm currently in school and having nothing to do like how it usually is, i'm here blogging about my life. my bestgalpal isn't here today for some reason and that makes me lonely. i hope i can make it through the tummy cramps and write about what i intended to write about in the first place.

i was encountered with this a couple of days ago too. i don't know why i didn't feel about blogging that one. maybe it was because i know the possibility level of it was just nil. that one was just a little too private and a little too impossible. at least this time, i could see it. i could taste it and actually wished that it would happen. i guess that's the difference between puppy love and what i consider somewhat very close to the real deal.

Cast:
Me
Family from my father's side
Guy A - the one i eventually marry
Guy B - handsome looking bloke and a friend.
Guy C - a friend of mine and Guy B who i don't exactly have a thing for but we've been friends for so long so how can there not be a sense of comfortableness?

by now you can probably guess that it's a dream. if you couldn't then maybe you just don't know me well enough. i won't reveal too much as sort of an introduction so i'll just get straight to it.

i begin the dream not really knowing how i got there, just like all the dreams i've had before. we were all apparently at a resort, my family and i. Guy A seemed to be there too but for some reason, i was avoiding him and i could sense that i was scared. eventually i realize that he was a selfish man. he was selfish and possessive. he wanted me all for himself. i wasn't going to have any of that. i wasn't going to take his crap. i avoided him as much as i could, so far i could remember but a part of me knew that i truly loved him and even now in reality, i still somewhat do. Guy A is a tall and handsome man. others may not think he's handsome but to me, he could do. i've only met the guy once in my life so there's really not much else i remember. eventually it all began to rub off. he was gentle and protective - my magic man, if you would. my family was nothing but all smiles at the resort and somehow, we eventually got married. then there was a change of scenery and i was back home parking my car. i remember leaning my head on the steering wheel and just thinking to myself: breathe, whitney. there's nothing to be afraid of, you can do this. i then realize i was afraid of Guy A. had he turned into the scary man i once knew him to be? what was worse, i was married to this scary man and there was no way of getting out of it. then, there was a change of scenery again. i was in office attire, very very nice office attire if i might add, and i was walking down a hallway with doors on my left. i continued on walking in my high heels. click click click click click. something made me turn my head to look into the room of an opened door and there i saw Guy A look ridiculously handsome in a suit. i smiled and walked on. then right after that, i was having a meeting. someone came up to me and said: "look, he will always have your back." and showed me a project or some sort where he did have my back whenever i needed it. i felt myself being washed away by his love. it was an amazing thing - so surreal even in dream-mode. and then, came in Guy B. i just so happened to be sending an email and somehow, i clicked the wrong address too quickly and i sent it to him. this incident must have been a while after my wedding because Guy B and Guy C were just talking about the last time they saw me at the resort and how Guy B doesn't intend to ever see me again as i have chosen Guy A. he opens up my email and he sees me. there was a pain on his face that even as i see him in person now, i don't understand. and that was when i woke up.

of course i left a lot of details out. at the same time, i've made obvious a lot of feelings that i had in every scene of that dream. i wished this dream was real because i do want to be married to Guy A. it sounds silly, especially because i'm 19 and an idiot but i'm ready to take the plunge and say i do. i want to have lots of babies and grow old watching our grandchildren running around in our living room. we would have fights and we would despise each other but we would apologize. i would apologize for being childish and make up. we would understand each other to a point where the moment we get home from work, we would remain in each others embrace and we wouldn't even have to say anything to know what either one has in mind. i would be there for him all the way. he would be there for me all the way.

i woke up crying because i wanted this so badly. i wanted it so badly that it ached so bad. i cried because i know it will never happen for he does not see me the way i see him. i cried because i wished that dream was my true story and that reality is just a lousy dream i can't wait to wake up from.

and now i'm dancing with a broken heart. there ain't no doctor who can't make it start. these are the words that i'm never gonna say again.

my grandmother.

2010-12-06T09:30:00.004+08:00

hey-howh! i ain't dead. someone once told me that the more you want to die, the less likely you will. that's a theory i strongly believe in. look where i am today.

i can't begin to tell you how horrible last week was. all the drama may be behind us now but it only means that it's time for scars to surface and haunt us forever.

i'm glad i missed annie's party and went to miri. i subconsciously needed grandma's embrace so much that i completely broke down the second i was in her arms. it's a simple thing, me and my gramps. i know i can always count on her to be there for me and give me advice whenever i need them. truth be told, she gives the best advises(even though she sometimes go overboard with her story telling).

i don't know if it's really the case but in my bones, i feel like it was grandma who made me conservative person i am today. i will always have a little bit of her in me - traditional, emotional, marginally suicidal and full of compassion. i feel like i'm a more wonderful and good person because she's a part of me. and i will always always love her because of these traits she has bestowed upon me.

i don't understand how some people can prey on somebody else's compassion. it's degrading but alas, there are people as such in this world. in my family, even.

from now on, i have to always remember grandma's words. it's fate. it's life. it's meant to be. what is set in stone cannot be erased. it's god's will. i'm just glad that i didn't turn out like the rest of them. and i know i'll never because of grandma.

i just need to be more open minded. i need to learn to let go. i need to start living for me and justin and if other people, including the people i love, don't turn out the way i thought they would, i need to be ok with it.

i need to be a better person, constantly challenge myself - conquer and overcome. for me. for my family who actually give a fuck about me. and for grandma.

cancer

2010-12-04T01:30:00.002+08:00

just let cancer spread through me and kill me already.

i keep trying to be optimistic and i keep trying to act as if nothing is wrong but i just can't anymore. everything is wrong. nothing is right.

i see no end to this hellhole and i'd very much like to be perished before i actually get there and get my just only mended heart torn into a million pieces again.

i feel like i'm going insane half the time. i think i belong in an asylum where nothing can touch me.

i can't handle this emotionally anymore. it's killing me every second but yet, not fast enough. it's as if god is playing a cruel joke on me. a joke that has no ending of me writhing in pain.

please, end my life now. coward as i am, i can't seem to do it alone. please someone, anyone, end my life now.

the salvatores

2010-11-04T21:10:00.002+08:00

damon, my love. baby, you're my disease.

2010-11-02T11:10:00.001+08:00

Hic et Nunc

should i should i should i?

2010-10-28T19:19:00.002+08:00

should i put up the chat box thing again? i seem to have quite a decent number of following :) i'm really considering if i should :/ it's nice to get some feedback once in a while from you guys. leave comments on if you think i should or if you would drop a couple of words if i put the chat box thing up again. can't wait to hear your responses :D

comment, kay kay kay?

2010-10-28T16:58:00.001+08:00

suddenly reconnected with this song.

lost and insecure, you found me.

broken beyond repair

2010-10-25T23:15:00.004+08:00

i will never be able to explain the pain you've caused me.

how you heartlessly ripped my heart out and threw all my love for you into the deep blue sea.

sometimes i feel so hollow and empty.

like all that's left inside is a big black hole that sucks in everything else.

a big black pit of darkness where nothing exists and nothing is real.

i promised myself that i would never let myself go there again.

yet again and again, i fall back into your trap.

trusting you again and again with my heart when i never should have in the first place.

i've been broken beyond repair and that's a fact i wish i could change but i can't.

it's ironic how i thought going through a break up was bad.

how that break up was only like licking salt compared to what i'm going through now.

nothing will ever make me forget this pain and the complications that come with it.

the inability to trust, love and sympathize again.

half the time, well most of the time, i think i'm crazy.

stalking around because i know no other ways to protect you.

i wish i could explain to you the level of pain i'm going through.

and how i wish i could make myself trust you again like you think i could.

i keep telling myself i have a goal in life, i have a goal in life, i have a goal in life.

but i honestly don't see it.

i don't see my purpose in life. i don't know why i'm here.

i can't see myself 10 years from now. i can't see myself 1 year from now. i can't see myself tomorrow.

my heart has been asleep for so long. i didn't know reawakening it would hurt so bad.

why did i have to keep stabbing my heart? why do i keep putting myself through this misery?

i hope i don't ever get the answer.

i don't plan to live long enough to ever find it.

2010-10-25T19:27:00.003+08:00

泪湿的枕头晒干就好
眼泪在你的心里只是无理取闹
以为在你身后是我一辈子的骄傲

just great. i have officially tortured myself to the point of exhaustion. just great, whitney. at the rate you're going, you won't have the chance to sit for your oh-so-important final term examinations.

i am sick. fever, barf, phlegm, headache - you name it. kill me now, thanks.

p/s the song above makes me heart sting. enough to numb me of whatever.

p/p/s i thank God for me still letting me live everyday.

meet me by the entrance of a pew

2010-10-23T09:36:00.002+08:00

you hurt me bad but i won't shed a tear.

i'm leaving you for the last time, baby.

you think you're loving but you don't love me.

i don't exactly have a reason to be here. more procrastinating, i suppose. i'm just more content with my blog layout than i've ever been after so many years of blogging -smile-

as always, i thank the Lord for this beautiful day and that He may pray for me and give me guidance through the Holy Spirit when i sit for my test later. thank you, God!

TESTING!

2010-10-23T00:56:00.001+08:00

TESTING 1,2,3.

a part of me

2010-10-23T00:33:00.002+08:00

i guess a little part of me is sad...

sad that the spark we once had is gone forever...

is it really that hard to move on? for you at least?

i threw a wonderful friendship and companionship out the window.

great.

what's next?

i pray to you, Lord, that you may watch over my friend. for what this friend is currently doing and for what this friend will do in the future. pray for us that our friendship may actually have a chance of surviving and that you watch over me as i have faith in you, Lord, and that i do not give up. God is good, all the time. Amen.

dwell in thee.

2010-10-22T17:03:00.002+08:00

If my heart has one ambition

If my soul one goal to seek

This my solitary vision 'til I only dwell in Thee

That I only dwell in Thee

'Til I only dwell in Thee

i should stop dwelling in the past. it doesn't help with anything. it's time to move forward and become the person (i think) i'm destined to be...

i'm going to be spicing this blog up a bit. hopefully, i will be able to start every blog post with a song from now on.

exams are here which makes me procrastinate more than i usually do. i know it's bad but studying just really isn't my thing. i don't suck at school, i don't get grades which are too bad either. i'm just very average at it - which makes me bored.

life is treating me a little sweeter now that i can drive. it also makes me more responsible (i feel), especially when i have to start driving people around.

i guess the main point of this post is that, i need to learn to lift it up to the Lord. whatever good or bad. i need to learn to stop holding on to everything so tightly and let everything run its natural course. same principles applied to me, my life and everything that goes on in it.

instead of dwelling in my past; i shall dwell in you, Lord.

i hope it's not too late

2010-10-20T22:06:00.002+08:00

i know i'm a year too late. but i'm sorry. i am so so sorry...

just breathe.

2010-10-16T20:29:00.002+08:00

it's been a while since i've been here. i don't know what has changed or what hasn't. mostly, i've been pretty ignorant about my surroundings. i've also done loads of travelling in between so i've definitely gain weight. lol.

i've also done something i thought i'd never do. a hint? my back is really itchy right now...

i promise to be more active. i'm pretty surprise... i actually have people prompting me to update my blog. my life is honestly not that interesting :)

like i said, i've been pretty ignorant recently. mostly, it's because i wish time would pass by faster. now that the moment i've been waiting for is almost here, i'm so excited that i feel like jumping up and down everytime i think about it.

this tuesday! please do pray for me :)

i need to remember to just breathe. i keep telling myself that i need to be more stronger. i need to be more relaxed and calm to make it through. with the blessings of everyone who matter, i'm sure i'll make it. i have to make it!

pray for me :)

p.s: i promise to drop by more often.

breathe.

2010-10-16T18:58:00.001+08:00

it's been forever since i've been here.

give me a sec.

let me take a shower.

WHY?!

2010-09-24T19:04:00.002+08:00

firstly,

i have no idea why you call yourself 'little'. honestly, you are almost twice my age so no, if you ever pick up english and read this, stop calling yourself 'little'. you ain't nothing close to little, boy.

secondly,

WHY IN FUDGE DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO HOT?!

-drools-

dang it. save me!

love may never come for me

2010-09-19T21:32:00.002+08:00

what is the meaning of love? i have yet to find the perfect definition.

in the society that we live in, does love really exist? can you really love someone with all your heart and soul?

if you ask me if i believe in love, i would not be able to answer you.

someone once told me that i've never known what love is, to that i think so too.

no matter what hasten beating of the heart i felt, no matter what daydreams i've had, i've never experienced what it means to love.

love may never come for me, i can sort of finally come to terms with that.

i just want you to know that,

it was amazing. hearing your voice. having it spring so suddenly out of no where made it even more special for me. so i thank you.

you know, i couldn't stop smiling. it was one of the higher lights of my day. so thank you for that too.

love may never come for me, i know that now.

but even so, i can't help but wish that hopefully,

it will one day find me.

little good news

2010-09-03T00:52:00.003+08:00

ok, i know i should be asleep right now because i have to wake up early for my driver's lessons (yay!) and my extra accouting class (roar!) but I'M JUST SO EXCITED!

i can't say what yet and it really sucks that i can't because i want to blurt it out so badly BUT i won't. i'll be a good girl and wait till tomorrow when it's official then blurt it all over here.

-went away for 5 mins-

I'M STILL SO EXCITED! oh gosh. am going crazy here. when you have bad news, you just don't really want anyone to know about it and no matter how people try and force it out of you, there's no way you will go about talking about it. but when it's EPIC GOOD NEWS, how the hell do you control yourself and NOT SAY ANYTHING? this is going to be an awesome but also difficult challenge for me. JUST ONE DAY! ONE DAY! the first person i am going to tell? MUM! she's going to be so happy! YAY YOU!

urgh. shut up, i am not lesbian, not getting married, not pregnant and definately not pregnant, thank you very much.

i don't know why i'm so excited really. and i didn't really understand why i was so excited until a good buddy of mine, nick, told me this - when you're at the 4th floor and you look up to 7th floor, it's going to look like meh, nothing. but when you walk down the stairs to the ground floor, and you try lift your head up again and look at the 7th floor, you'll be going WOAH! that high up? 4th floor being your normal emotions on a daily basis. 7th floor being a good news. ground floor being your sad fillings (oops!) feelings at the time.

i've been stuck on the ground floor for a couple of months now and i really have no idea how a small good news can seem so good to me now but it does. i really can't wait for october, it's even worse now that i am so looking forward to christmas! if it ever happens. OH GOD, PLEASE LET IT HAPPEN!

i really can't wait to break the news when it's finally official tomorrow, buddy. and if you ever come by and visit this place, my blog i mean, i really wanna just tell you out and about now that i'm so glad you shared this with me first. and how this little good news has just lit up my life. it gives me something to actually look forward to and hopefully, make the time go by faster!

i'll be praying that you'll have a safe trip. i'll be praying to seeing you very soon.

until tomorrow or whenever i drop by again,

au revoir. i love you all very much.

my summer's desire.

2010-08-26T09:25:00.004+08:00

i promise i'd be back! i know, i know. i'm in school and i'm supposed to be studying for my business studies test. for some reason, i'm not really worried about it. i thought i did okay for yesterday's test. taylor, maslow, mayo, hertzberg, vroom, mcclelland. you name it! :p

so i did mention that i was TOTALLY head over heels for this taiwanese series called 泡沫之夏 aka Summer's Desire. it really is THAT awesome. cried like shit in the last episode, even though it hasn't been aired yet (i'm a pirate. well if it isn't already obvious). though, i promise i will buy the box set when it's out. i will also support 何润东 aka Peter Ho's new album - I Rememeber I Loved or Remember Loved.

IN THE MEAN TIME! i can't even begin to tell you how much i love this series. i could watch it over and over and over and over again (and YES! I CAN!). it is definitely better than Down With Love and Autumn's Concerto. i think Autumn's Concerto was pertty good but the ending was definitely a big bummer as compared with Summer's Desire. Down with Love was just downright funny. i guess i'm just a sucker for movies that make you cry all day all night.

you have to admit, you need to have the acting skills to convince people that they are really in pain from falling out of love. and i think Peter Ho and Barbie Hsu really accomplished that. i know it's so cheesy for me to say this but, I'M SO PROUD OF THEM! :)

i really really liked how the series ended. though, i wish there could have been an epilogue. like their life together 5? 10 years from then at the last moment where they parted? i won't tell you who ends up with who. because i know probably one of my readers will kill me for spoiling it. so, before the last episode is officially aired, i will keep my mouth shut, and then it's more stills! Y-A-Y!

again in the meantime, enjoy the hotstuff-ness of Peter Ho and Barbie Hsu. no offence to anyone but i am a die hard fan of OuChen-XiaMuo. they really look good together. and though they are probably denying the probable fact that they are together in real life, i honestly think they'll make a good couple. so if one day it is official that they are dating (IF THAT EVER HAPPENS. NOT LIKE I'M SAYING IT WON'T AND NOT LIKE I'M SAYING IT WILL), i will be their number 1 fan! any time any day :)

when i love someone, i don't have to hold on to them. all i want is for them to be happy, even if it means that the happiness they are searching for is not with me.

roar... internet is sucky in the library here so i can't upload the photos. i hope i don't become lazy when i get home later and try and download it here. in the meantime, i'm late for class!

au revoir. i love you very much.

in more ways than one.

2010-08-25T09:56:00.003+08:00

i feel like it's been forever since i've been here. it sounds cheesy and stupid but i feel like i've grown since then. we are constantly growing - backwards and forwards. it all depends on how we view things. you could be optimistic; you could be pessimistic; you could be wired to the moon; you could be realistic.

it really is hard to see you pass me by. i feel my throat tighten and it's as if i might start sweating. i know i shouldn't be having these feelings, especially not now but sometimes some things just can't be helped. sometimes, love is like a thorn, the tighter you hold it the more it hurts.

our greatest enemy is not the war, it is not the people who could probably hurt us, it is not the apocalypse. it is time. time binds you to where you are - trapping you. but yet, it still constantly moves, with or without you.

i long for happiness. to be able to rely on that someone completely. to love and be loved without restraints. but, there is nothing and no one worth your complete trust in this world other than yourself. the moment you lean on someone, you'll lose the strength to remain standing. and when that person leaves, you'll end up with nothing but yourself slamming against the ground.

i got a few of these quotes from the movie - Summer's Desire. it is an AWESOME series. everybody should watch it. it brings you back to one of the most basic form of love - possessiveness, jealousy, lost and love. i had a great time watching this series and falling head over heals for one of the main actors - Peter Ho.

i might come up with stills from the movie soon, which i'm sure i will VERY SOON. in the mean time, i'm busy with school, life and everything in between.

i actually bought myself a diary which i promised i would write in, but so far, the motivation has failed me - gloriously.

i feel like dropping everything i am doing now and just have a backpack and maybe my phone for music, novels and camera and just leave. well, i don't earn my own money yet so that means i can't. that's a huge bummer, for your information. but if i could go anywhere, i would start with Egypt. then Venice. then Barcelona. then Korea. then China. then France. and then to the rest of the world.

in business studies, according to maslow's hiearchy of needs, the highest need of an individual reaches peak at our self actualization. my self actualization is to travel the world. and leave invisible footprints everywhere.

till then, i will be working very very very hard to achieve my physical needs, safety needs, social needs and esteem needs :)

and until then,

au revoir, i love you very much.

lost, scared, angry and everything in between

2010-08-07T13:56:00.003+08:00

i don't have much time (roughly 5 minutes before sue is finished with her delayed economics test) so i'll make this quick. i'll probably elaborate later on when i get home but then again it will most probably depend if i feel like it or not.

today is a lousy day. i really am wondering when my silver lining will appear. i feel like i'm sort of having a mid-life crisis right now. everything i do or say is wrong or will hurt people. i don't want to be this way. i don't want to feel like this. i don't want to cause problems and i don't want to be the cause of the problem.

is there really any way to go around it? to become a friend and a person who is responsible? is it possible to be strict and follow the rules and yet still be able to have friends that you can fool around it?

i don't suppose i will say what the fuck is wrong with me here and who or what made me this way but i suppose from now on, i will be a much sadder and lonelier person than i ever was. not that i was much of a jolly person before but you get the flow.

i can't seem to get it right. it has happened before and it is happening again. i can't have what i want because what i want is wrong. i have to become what everybody else wants and expects me to be. not that i mind, but it can be a little tiring. facades are difficult to pull no matter how good you are at it.

then there are thoughts of backing out of all these responsibilities. i keep asking myself, "why do you put yourself through this shit day after day?" and to this day i have no idea of the answer.

i suppose talking about my problems here would somehow make me feel better but it hasn't at all. i probably feel worse now. as much as i hope that the moment i get home and start watching movies and hope that these thoughts and feelings of wanting to just stab myself and give up will just go away, i'm sure nothing of sorts will happen.

when life get's tough, i'd really like to give up, please.
take me away. it's as if i care.

having to hear her say that she was disappointed in me made me really wanted to stab myself and just bleed and die. there was nothing like it. to have someone you respect say that they are disappointed in you, and even though they add later on that you're actually doing great, doesn't exactly make you feel better.

(grrr... what is sue taking so long? -_-)

i can see that i am going around in circles. and by now, any of you out there actually staying tuned to this would probably be thinking - what the fuck?

i'm sorry to have wasted your time.
and as much as i'd like to actually pour my whole heart here, i won't. there things just better remain unspoken for it would cause more pain to people (even though i don't really give a fuck how they feel).

yes, i am referring to you. you know who you are. not that i blame you. not that i am in ANY position to blame you. but i want you to know that you don't know me. and you can't pass judgement just from something you heard somewhere.(people never seem to stop doing that, do they?)and that i will prove you wrong. and though i will probably hate you for the rest of my life now (on a personal level), i respect and understand why you did what you did. AND I WILL PROVE YOU WRONG. and it wouldn't matter to me that by then if you give a fuck about it or not because i would have already become the better person and you will still be you.

goodbye forever.

p.s. no i'm joking. goodbye for now.

p.p.s. i have written so much and sue still isn't here -_-

adios. i love you all very much.

family

2010-08-04T21:36:00.003+08:00

it's been a month since i've blogged and by god, it's been such a long month. but, i'm definitely glad to be alive.

what HAVE i been doing for this past month? i suppose mostly i've been hooked to torrent :X my friend, dan, finally knocked sense into me after all these years with the awesomeness of torrent and i've been downloading movies on a frenzy.

let's see, i've watched all Glee, all HIMYM, all Gossip Girl, all True Blood, all Ghost Whisperer, all the Mentalist, all TSLOTAT and loads of movies in between. sum up all the time i've used probably 2 weeks of time or more watching these shitz. well i suppose you call it my 'getaway'. trust me, there's A LOT of things in my life now that i really really wanna get away from.

today, i received some horrible news. i guess that's the main reason why i'm here.

i was told that my cousin in australia ran away from home. he's 15 this year. he's 15 and he ran away from home. his mother is bipolar and his stepfather is abusive. how does he live? how does he survive? my life is minimal shitz compared to the things he go through. and i can't help but blame myself because there were so many chances where i could have emailed him. and maybe if he had someone to talk to, it would at least still keep him a little sane. he needs his family now more than anything and yet there is no one to turn to at all. i heard that he's previously been to several foster homes. well, several would be an understatement. you go from one place to another and those places, you will never be loved and you will never be able to call home.

bipolar is a very serious mental illness. and from the bottom of my heart, i can only imagine what he goes through everyday and i can't help but feel his pain. thinking about him makes me cry. he's a good kid and has his head in the right place. but the last time i met him, it was a year ago. alot of things can happen in a year, heck, a lot of things can happen in a day.

- doug, i know you'll probably never read this but i miss you like crazy. and i love you and i want you to come home. screw your mom, come with me and i will provide you a home. we are family after all. i don't think i'll ever be able to comprehend why you ran away. and i probably will never know the whole circumstance but if you think you're happier away then run free. i hope you are safe wherever you are. you're always in my prayers.

i suppose this post is going to sound very sucky now with loads of english error because in front of me i have mum, sis and bro fooling around to waka waka.

no matter how horrible problems are at home for me, i don't think it will be as bad as having an abusive stepfather and a mother who can't love you because she's too crazy half the time.

it makes me feel relieved and painful at the same time. relieved that no matter how horrible i thought my family problems were, we're still a family and we're still together. and i feel painful because instead of it happening it to me, it's happening to another person i hold dearly by heart.

- doug, i love you. be safe.

when someone punches you in the face, you retaliate - i read twilight in my room.

2010-07-03T21:43:00.002+08:00

when someone punches you in the face
a normal human being would normally retaliate
i, however, would go into the corner or my room and read twilight repeatedly.

I've been hurt beyond repair. It's the type of hurt where you never saw it coming and well basically, there aren't any words for it. So far, only the closest of my closest friends know about this. I feel much better after having a shoulder to lean on. Though, the pain sort of backfired when I had a friend laugh at me today.

I am stupid. I am naive. I am gullible.

I was, am and will always seem to be.

I remember crying due to the end of a relationship. It seems so little compared to what I am going through right now. There are really no words. And to the end, I just really don't care anymore. I need myself to stop caring to protect my heart. If not, death may be the only way to go.

When you've lost your purpose in life.
When you can no longer behold the rationale of your existence.
When everything is crumbling before you.
When you feel like there's no tomorrow.
When you feel like you can't go on.

What's Next?

remember me

2010-06-13T19:47:00.003+08:00

don't read the plot. don't read behind the dvd. just watch it. you're in for a surprise.

robert pattinson, i have to admit, did a pretty convincing job. alongside, emilie de ravin and pierce brosnan.

gave me a horrible heartache. so painful that i forgot to cry. it feels awesome to be in pain again. however fake or short term it may be.

overall story i would rate a 7.5
ending definately a 9. though i am not convinced that the lil girl's hair can be THAT long again within a year (trust me, i've been there.)
actors a spot on 9

nobody is perfect. so does anybody actually deserve a 10?

true colours

2010-06-06T00:57:00.002+08:00

i know it's been forever since i blogged so before i go away for a couple of days, i think it's only right for me to finally clear the air.

i am not weak. i will not back down if you attack me. i will not ignore the problem if you try and fight me. i will fuck you up if you insult my family. i will spit at you for being the fag that you are. and how from you, god be damn, i learnt to be a better person - a person that's anyone but you.

that's my true colour. that's me if you mess with me. i can be nice, the nicest, most crowd-pleasing person on earth. i can also be mean, a damn straight bitch from hell.

sorry for the vulgarities but it's really really really about time that i clear the air.

to all the people recently whom of which, i have seen your true colours. i will learn to stay away. i do not want to be like you. i want to be above you. i don't know how i brought myself to finally open my eyes and see but i have. gosh, i finally have. all those emo posts from years ago. all those times WASTED crying and being upset over NOTHING.

no more.

i am happy. and i will forever be happy. hopefully when i emo in the future, this post will make me change my mind. which would mean, less hate posts = hiphiphooray.

thank you for your attention. now if you would kindly move your cursor to the top right hand corner and click! goodnight.

and i give it all to you, my endless love.

2010-04-14T23:06:00.002+08:00

i know i've broken the rule yet again for posting twice in a day. no matter, what matters is that i have something to say and unless it is spoken, closure lurks far away from me. well i wouldn't say i found this in a friend of mine's profile because she actually isn't a friend of mine. i may not know her well but i do know that she is an awesome person. she got her heartbroken-ed from a two and a half year relationship. sure, mine only lasted for 5 silly months but still, i can totally relate to her. i fell that hard. i hope she recovers soon and maybe, i could in secret hold her hand and we will slowly find our way to closure together. here's what she had to say.

YY, this is for you.

Our story has three parts; a beginning, a middle and an end. And although this is the way all stories unfold. I still can’t believe that ours didn’t go on forever…

I finally understood what true love meant… love meant that you care for another person’s happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face might be.

I’ll think about you every day. Part of me is scared that there will come a time when you don’t feel the same way, that you’ll somehow forget about what we shared.

It’s possible to go on, no matter how impossible it seems, and in time, the grief… lessens. It may not go away completely, but after a while it’s not so overwhelming.

Love should bring joy, it should grant a person peace, but here and not, it was only bringing pain.

We met at a carefree time, a moment full of promise, in its place now were the harsh lessons of the real world.

I love you, not just for now, but for always, and I dream of the day that you’ll take me in your arms again.

Part of me aches at the thought of him being so close yet untouchable, but his story and mine are different now. It wasn’t easy for me to accept this simple truth… Because there was a time when our stories were the same, but that was a year and a month ago.

You and I shared something wonderful, and I never want you to forget that… you are the first man I ever truly wanted. And no matter what the future brings, you will always be.

(this too, will hopefully be my last post on him...)

smackdown

2010-04-14T13:41:00.002+08:00

location: school library.

i know i shouldn't be doing this in school but might as well do it now while i'm still feeling so inspired. i don't know if i've said this before or not but i've always got something to say. sometimes, i do say it here and while others, i just run out of the inspiration to and then forget it. forgetting is not good so DO NOT WANT that. it's about 1.45pm now even though the library computer says its 10.43pm, and i'm here because i have a prefect meeting to attend later on (yeah, can you believe it? i might actually be a prefect :O). a smackdown is not the best way to start a day. and i've never actually smackdown-ed anyone before. i don't really know the real meaning of the word 'smackdown' but to me, i guess it means a major confrontation. i really didn't want it. trust me, but soemtimes, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do to defend herself. i didn't want to do it but i felt that this time, i finally did the right thing.

so yeah, as usual, i'm not going to name names. i have to admit i don't really like her from the beginning but i would never have been unprofessional about it. maybe it was because i was wrong before and i had taken rage the unprofessional way but not this time and hopefully never again in the future. so yeah, the teacher who was supposed to be teaching at that moment had to miss her class for our prefect meeting. so she asked me nicely to help her bring the transparencies up to the current Set in to which, i kindly accepted the responsibility. that teacher is an awesome teacher so, i would be wrong if i didn't carry out my task correctly. so yeah, i went into the class and there she was sitting amongst the crowd. and when she saw me, man, her eyes could have rolled to the back of her head. she gave me this hateful glare in which i professionally ignored because it was the right thing to do. as per the teacher, i had to make sure they copied the notes on the transparencies and that when they were done, the next set(which was my set) had to copy the notes too. i had to leave so i had to make sure that the next set's people get the idea and will copy the notes too. the teacher told me that i had to MAKE SURE the notes don't go missing is passed back to me at the end of the day. while i was making sure, BAM! she hit me.

well, she didn't really HIT me. she looked really impatient and had this disgusting look on her face. i'm sure anyone and everyone would be able to tell if they were disliked so yeah, i could tell. and she said:

"just leave the paper on the table." -roll eyes and still had the disgusting look-

being interrupted like that, i felt very offended. i wouldn't have taken it personally if i hadn't known that she had been backstabbing me all this while. she tells everybody especially my friends how much a bitch i am and etc. i'm pretty sure she knows that i know she hates me and to which i actually don't give a damn but at that moment, i snapped.

"if you have something against me personally then we can talk about it later. but now, i am here on behalf of teacher XXX and my job is to make sure i get the notes back later." i said calmly.

i know it may seem like i'm trying to make myself look like a hero but this is facts, PEOPLE. i'm really not lying, this was how it went down. you can ask all the other 20 over kids in the room and hopefully, they will tell you exactly the same thing.

"who has a problem with you?" -roll eyes- "who wants to copy these notes anyways?" -roll eyes and waved hand and stomped off-

and i was left standing there looking like a dumb ass. i felt the rage boiling in me and for a moment there i really wanted to slap after her and just yell at her for doing that to me. but i didn't. i made sure the notes would be properly together and given to the next set properly and left.

oh believe me, there were so many moments in which i really wanted to tell the teacher to screw her and not appoint her as a prefect. but i have decided now, against it. i've handled this kind of people before. and i've gone through years of being in the same class with a person i don't like and still come out alive at the end of the journey. with that in mnid, i'm sure i can do it again.

but it's just that, i've never smackdown-ed anyone before. it's just this rush of adrenaline that did it.

and before you know it, almost everyone in the humanities stream knew about this little smackdown.

i will stand firm and say thank you to God for giving me the patience and letting me see what i was going to lose had i really gone after her or told anyone official about this. if i went after her, i would have surrendered to rage. if i told anyone official, i would be cast as the weakling and the lame crap who can't handle anything herself - and HOPEFULLY, we all know i'm not like that. well, i KNOW i'm not like that.

i dedicate this post to her. thank you, for giving me my first smackdown and making me realize that my temper is something i can control. i've always felt very shaky about myself and now i am sure. hopefully, i will be able to look back to this awesome experience and always remember that i'm that little bit more mature now and that i'm that little bit more professional now.

i want to be a good person. i want to be a leader. i want to be a person everybody can trust and depend on. with the guidance of God, my family and friends - i know i will and can be.

blurring the lines

2010-04-02T19:29:00.003+08:00

from my cousin's blog, (ta kor if you ever read this, say hi to me in facebook!) i found out that the last time i blogged was 2 weeks ago. as a matter of fact, i feel, the last time i REALLY really blogged was probably a month and a bit ago. that's probably 5 weeks. and what happened to me in these 5 weeks? well, life did.

during the holidays, i went to 2 AWESOME retreats that brought me back to God. i pray all the time now, thanking Him for bringing me back under His wings. i do hope that the decisions i make in the days ahead will serve Him right - no matter what. no matter where i'll be, He knows that i will always have Him at heart.

i know i said before that i only come here when i'm either super sad/emo or super happy/i've-got-something-super-awesome-to-talk-about. well, i guess this post will kind of break that rule because i'm neither one of em' now.

i remember the post - closure. i remember promising myself that i would move on. well, if you have been staying tuned, i DID try to move on. but everytime, i turn my head to look back and see how far i've gotten, i realize - i'm still at square one.

stupid stupid STUPID whitney.

i thought you promised yourself that you were going to move on? that no matter what happened, nothing was going to affect you. nothing was ever going to bring you down anymore! nothing was ever going to ruin the new friendship you found. nothing was going to shake you, whitney. NOTHING.

i can't stop my mind from thinking that maybe, he was with me because i could give him the things he wanted. i could give him the equipments he needed so badly and when he had them with my money, he could be done with me. all those nights we spent on the computer talking was just a ploy to get me to spit out everything that was in me for him. every moment i thought that would last was just a plot to crush me at the end of the day and leave me permanently damaged. it's been 7 months and i'm still here. so why am i so damn stupid?

i can't stay at Avalon and continue to pretend like i'm okay. because i'm not. yesterday was awesome, but the aftermath of it was just... horrifying. i found myself not being able to sleep again and crying like a baby because i didn't know how else to distract the pain. i can't stay at Avalon especially when i'm having these stupid thoughts and being around was only going to fuel it. I DON'T WANT TO HAVE THESE THOUGHTS. but i can't seem to give myself another reason why it didn't work out in the end. oh, it wasn't meant to be. oh, i'm just not good enough.

everybody, they love a winner - so nobody loved me.

every moment we spend together will just push me from threading water to become drowning in it. everything that we do together will only continue to blur the lines that i drew so distinctly between me and you. i have fallen out of closure and back into the hell hole that i'd happily stay in because i could see you as much as i wanted if i was there. i keep forgetting that i can't WANT you anymore. and that i can't HOLD your attention. i can't MAKE you talk to me. i, obviously, don't make you very happy. so why continue sticking around when we all know it was mission impossible? you may think i don't know you but a little voice inside my head does. and when you decide on something, you stick to it. you've stuck to maybe all your decisions in life well, except for me and our happy ending. i need to get over you... again. and to do that, i must leave.

i'm heartbrokened. and the only way for me to crawl my way back into closure again is to leave the people i love - all of you, in Avalon. i love ALL OF YOU in Avalon. and please don't ever doubt that i do so. i'm going to really miss you guys. and as much as it kills me, it's really unfair for me to keep burdening you guys with this - especially you, mama bangs. i have to learn to deal it myself - like what i'm doing with everything else in my life right now.

i believe and have confidence that one day, i will really move on. i really believe it. but till that day comes, i promise to keep my distance and remain withdrawn to protect my already shattered heart from becoming dust particles.

don't cry for me argentina,

2010-03-17T17:51:00.002+08:00

the truth is i never left you.

kiss me goodbye,

2010-03-12T17:34:00.001+08:00

i'm defying gravity.

dear you,

2010-03-11T01:00:00.001+08:00

i loved you so much.

so so much.

for the sake of art

2010-02-26T02:38:00.008+08:00

i may not know a lot about art but i would love to. i wish i wasn't always so preoccupied with everything else all the time and just LIVE art. but sadly, that isn't the case. so hey, one day, it just so happen to be chinese new year and like always, there are lion dance performances in the school hall. i was late for it (CRAP) and so i had to stand amongst the crowd. and just so happen there was this man standing in front of me. and his shirt had so many words on it, it made me dizzy at first. a lot of crappy things happened that day, which led to me feeling crappy now too but it doesn't stop me from reading and reading again one of the most awesome shit ever. i have no idea why i find it so awesome but i'm just so drawn to the idea of art put into words. and you feel it, ever sentence of it. and i'd like to share it with all of you and as part of the passage says, i hope to inspire you and our knowledge today will be our power tomorrow.

what defines me

what defines me is not what defines you. what drives you is not what drives me. i love what you do not love. i am me and you are you. my life is a canvas and my story is it's painting. i am inspired and i create so that i may inspire others. my everyday decisions make me who i am. this is why i am different from you. different. not superior. your path is yours. that is the beauty in which we coexist. the path we walk are unalike. but they cross and collide and twist and turn in beautiful unpredictable patterns. our perception of the high and lows of our journey change. my knowledge today will become my power tomorrow. carved in the massive stone of life. my life is my art. my art is my life. every detail i add along the way helps others as they paint their stories. just as their stories gave birth to mine. and i continue to create. i strive to create. i will never stop trying. the mistakes and failures i make along the way make up the masterpiece that i end up with. the cracks in the foundation are the rivers that feed my gardens. one day you will realize this too. and when my vision is blurred, you will remind me how to see. you must not stop writing your story. whatever your vehicle of communication it may be. for the sake of life. for the sake of the future. for the sake of art.

i cannot begin to tell you how hard it was for me to copy this whole passage from a stranger's shirt to my phone but with determination, i did it. i think it's beautiful and i'm glad i did. i will look back at this post someday and feel as inspired and as awed as the first time i had read it. for some reason, i have morgan freeman's voice saying these words too me. lol, i watched too much invictus and wanted :P

signing out.

honey bee

2010-02-20T21:37:00.003+08:00

love, it's a special day
we should celebrate and appreciate
that you and me found something pretty neat
and i know some say this day is arbitrary

but it's a good excuse, put our love to use
baby, i know what to do
baby, i...
i will love you
i'll love you, i'll love you

love, i don't need those things
i don't need no ring
i don't need anything
but you with me
'cause in your company
i feel happy, oh so happy and complete

and it's a good excuse, put our love to use
baby, i know what to do
baby, i...
i will love you
i'll love you i'll love you

yeah, its a good excuse, put our love to use
baby, i know what to do
baby, i...
i will love you
i'll love you, i'll love you

so won't you be my honey bee?
giving me kisses all the time
be mine, be my valentine

so won't you be my honey bee?
giving sweet kisses all the time
be mine, be my valentine

oh laoban, be my valentine

;)

see? the suspense was worth it, wasn't it?

signing out.

closure

2010-02-20T00:31:00.002+08:00

i am sitting in the reception area now. it is 12.32am - midnight. i'm supposed to be at home and sleeping but instead, i am sitting here waiting for my driver cum colleague to finish work at 7am and then follow him home. it doesn't bother me much because now i have music blasting in my ears and that's all i need to keep me motivated... i think? :S it doesn't matter because my other colleague, dear Azie, is quitting today and that makes me sad :( she was one of the people who were really nice to me when i started working here so yeah, imma miss her alot. shout out to you, ma sista!

i named this post - closure - because i feel that that's sort of where i am in life at the moment. i'm happy to say that i've sort of gotten over you-know-who and trust me, it's taken me, if i'm not mistaken, 5 months and 28days to do it. oh and btw, it would have been our 1 year anniversary in 23 days time. lol. what is up with me and these calculations and statistics? i need to get a life, pronto!

i guess i won't fail to repeat how difficult it was for me. how i was so adapted to having someone i love to go home to everyday and one day when that person disappear, i sort of disappeared myself. i was wasting my life on somebody who, i suppose, don't even care if i exist or not anymore. who, maybe, in the first place didn't really care for me either. and now the even be talking about it again, is pulling back into the depth of darkness.

i refuse to let myself go there for anyone again. i won't ever ever go to that depth for anyone ever again. i need to be strong. i need to need nobody but me so that i would be able to survive on my own. i need to be independent like i used to be. i need to be able to cope with heartbreaks at the snap of a finger. i need me to be nobody but me.

despite so, i've sort of again, found somebody i can lean on. which, is sort of nice.

:)

shoutout to my dearly beloved laoban. i'll make sure i remind you to visit this page and see your name here :)

i'm sick and tired of being the first person to say i love you. so from now on, you can either tell me you love me or tell me to fuck off. to the first, in which i would reply i love you too if i really did or to the second, i would be more than happy to fuck off from your life as you want me to.

wanting and needing. i need to be able to differenciate what they mean. i don't NEED somebody to live. i don't NEED somebody to keep my heart beating and keep myself from breathing. i only wanted. and i wanted that someone to be a part of my life forever - in which he couldn't fulfill. it's sad actually. i saw our whole future together and i was really going to do whatever it took to be together. but i guess, you couldn't sacrifice that much of yourself for me and for that, i guess i will sort of somehow always remember you. i will always remember you as the man who i almost threw my whole life out for. but NO MORE! no more, will i EVER shed a tear for you. i need me to need nobody but me.

so there you have it, this is my closure. this is what i need to wake up in the morning tomorrow and tell myself that i will be able to breathe smooth and walk out the door with my head held high. this is what i need to be able to continue living my life to the fullest, to the way i want it to be lived. i needed this closure and with this behind me, i will make myself happier everyday.

and to my dearly beloved laoban - i miss you :( as of right now, i'm expecting you to be playing mahjong. lol. oh and in case i forget to tell you, i got disconnected from the phonecall with you because my telephone no money! i'm poor. shit :(

okay, lol, i seriously think i need sleep. it's either sleep or caffaine. so i guess now (12.58am) , it's caffaine.

till 7.00am and bedtime at last,
goodnight all :)

signing out.

zomfg

2010-02-19T23:11:00.000+08:00

i haven't blogged in a month! what have i been doing?! :O

i am officially an workaholic. all i do is work and sleep nowadays. I NEED A LIFE!

shoutout to ma dearest dan and mr. laoban! :)

missed

2010-01-15T18:43:00.003+08:00

i remember a long time ago, i wrote something chinese-y on my blog. wait, i didn't post it on my blog, it was just some email. it was probably the last time i cleaned my email (making a mental note to clean it later) too. there was this email for me that had chinese and english in it. i wonder if i'll be able to trace it back after having to not look into for months and months but yes, there were some chinese in that email and i remember, laugh out loud, making you read it aloud for me. i wonder if i remembered it wrongly but i knew you were extremely embarressed. i also remember that was probably one of the first time i thought you were so adorable. and that how at the every start of the day, when i woke up to your voice or the notes you left, i fall in love with you all over again.

today was a down day for me. i'm all out of tears and i'm all but lost. i can't believe after so long, it still hurts to talk about you. and when i said i missed you, that would probably be a wrong statement because even if i don't realize it, subconciously, i still miss you - everyday.

i still hope you don't come around. you don't need to see me like this. and if you do come around, i hope the chinese creeps you out and you'll decide to close instead of reading on.

一切早就開始了　一切卻還未輝煌
觸摸到手指　不代表敲動他心房

我爬到高山的一半　想要回頭怎麼辦
風撼動我的肩膀　汗揪著我的衣裳

誰願意失敗　失敗　再失敗
誰高興期盼　期盼　再期盼

我是個痛也不會說出口的人
我是個貪心也注定要不到的人
你戀戀過我　就向花依賴樹尖
但風輕輕吹　時候到幸福卻枯萎

我是個愛也不會說清楚的人
我是個懦弱也還在拼拼看的人
火熊熊的眼　別太快灰飛煙滅
榮耀若值錢　我不會掉下淚

誰願意失敗　失敗　再失敗
誰高興期盼　期盼　再期盼

我是個痛也不會說出口的人
我是個貪心也注定要不到的人
你戀戀過我　就向花依賴樹尖
但風輕輕吹　時候到幸福卻枯萎

我是個愛也不會說清楚的人
我是個懦弱也還在拼拼看的人
火熊熊的眼　別太快灰飛煙滅
榮耀若值錢　我不會掉下淚

痛也不說出口的我　
不怕掉下淚

痛也说不出口的我 - 楊培安.

today

2010-01-14T12:57:00.004+08:00

despite having loads of thoughts in mind and loads of things i wish i could say but can't, i come here now with nothing to say. and this sentence is typed after backspacing 6 sentences that i have come up with and that i'm not happy with.

anyways, today is just crappy. despite work being crappy, everything else that goes with today is crappy. crap T_T

also, today is a very sad day for me.

i wonder how time always seems to be able to slip by me so fast. it's like a blink of an eye and boom, i am here. this morning was excruciating as because of work, i have to keep writing the date and it burns me everytime slowly.

'Human beings are funny. They long to be with the person they love but refuse to admit openly. Some are afraid to show even the slightest sign of affection because of fear. Fear that their feelings may not be recognized, or even worse, returned. But one thing about human beings puzzles me the most is their conscious effort to be connected with the object of their affection even if it kills them slowly within.'
i copied this from my dearly beloved pillowtalk's tumblr. hope you don't mind.

at the sight of 'dearly beloved', i am pretty sure he is going to DO NOT WANT me. correct me if i'm wrong.

i hate today. fuck.

proposal

2010-01-04T17:35:00.004+08:00

i was sitting on a chair, no, a log. i was sitting on something. i couldn't remember what it was. all i could feel was my heart beating - faster and faster as if it was going to fall right out of my chest if it could. something about the people around me made me excitedly suspicious. it was as if something good was coming, something i'd always wanted. so okay, i'm sorry to say i forgot most of the beginning parts but there was one part i would never, hopefully ever, forget. a colleague said something out loud and barked out a mocking laughter. i shied away because i knew it was about me for some reason and then i saw him piercing his eyes through mine. i remained where i was. for a moment, i thought i was made of stone because i couldn't move. i felt short of breath as if i was anticipating something. calm-before-the-storm-like. and then, there were more laughters. it seemed clearer to me - my surroundings. if i'm not mistaken, we were sitting somewhere in a forest where their roots and branches were benches or we were sitting somewhere with pillars high enough for him to be sitting a distance away from me but higher up. like i said, i don't remember all the specifics but before you know it, he flashed his beautiful smile and walked towards me. i felt everyone around me go still and myself standing up as if something really good was finally going to happen. something good was finally going to happen to me. from out of the blue, he reached from his back, a ring, and got down to one knee - asking for what i think he thinks i think he is asking for. i felt myself saying oh my gosh, completely flushing and his name. it was then i realized, my dream had been in black and white until the moment he pulled out the ring and the blue diamond in the centre shone like there was no tomorrow.

AND THEN I FUCKING WOKE UP! -.-

it was such an awesome dream. a proposal, something in real life, i would have almost never accepted if it was coming from the wrong person. after waking up and going to the toilet to wash up, it struck me that i never got to say yes to the man of my dreams - as much as i wanted to. dang it! -cries-

i'm glad it was a dream. first and far most, i will never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever reveal the identity of this man of my dreams. haha, yeah, he was someone i knew, and recently grew quite fond of because he had one of those to die for grin-smug-smile :3 and second of all, i would have never said yes in real life. i have maritalphobia and i'm not afraid to admit it :D

so that was my morning coffee. God has been nice to me and i'm grateful. for 30mins or so, i allowed myself to drift into the world of make believe and day dream his beautiful grin. i'm such a bloody sucker for dudes with nice smiles -_-

and i did say that my dream was in black and white until i saw the ring. that much was true. i even reseached for the god damn ring and godddd it's so beautiful~

a beauty isn't it? it looked exactly like this but the blue diamond was even more rectanglar. i wonder how much it would cost to get one $_$

***********************

the rest of my day was basically filled with work that really stresses and drains me out at the end of the day.

and at the end of the day, i don't know if i should thank or blame my auntie for allowing me to talk to her but i got so fucked up emotional that i cried like shit for a good half hour. i really don't feel like elaborating this point because now that i have vividly explained to you my dream, i can't stop smiling like a jerk -.-

good day all, tomorrow - because of work, is going to be another god damn crappy day -.-

more than my life

2010-01-03T17:33:00.006+08:00

it took me awhile to be able to step away from the door and watch daddy drive her away. but alas, i had to hide the facade and close the door because i knew, i had to be strong, despite whatever outcome might come out of this. i needed to be strong for the people that i can protect within my capabilities.

i wish i could apologize everything i start to raise my voice against my mom, but i can't. she is probably one of the few people in this world who can bring me to tears in seconds, though i admit, it's not too hard to get me to cry. i don't approve of what she is about to put herself through. i can't even think straight because what she is about to do is not within my control. and being the control freak i am, i hate not being in control.

i wish i could have have at least hugged her and let my guards down before she left. and i am cringing on to dear life hoping that my sister does not wake up the next minute and see me like this. i need to be strong. i need to be firm and in control - for my siblings, the people that i would have to give my life up for, should anything happen to my mom that would be beyond my control.

i know i have the tendency to think to much. so much that usually, i'm just scaring myself for no god be damned reason. yet, i can't stop myself from doing just so. preparation is key. always keep yourself mentally prepared and know what to expect - i guess that had always been silently my life's motto. what happens when you are faced with situations that are beyond your control? in my case, i suffer a nervous breakdown and just cry my god damned eyeballs out. but now, knowing that i have people to protect and people to care for, i can't be the weak on. i NEED to be in control.

i want my mom back. i want to be the kid i used to be and just hug her because i could. and i can't stop myself from crying because i don't know how to get pass that ego and tell her that i love her. and that i wish i could be there for her but i can't because she needs me to take care of my younger siblings. in order not to fail her, i have to sacrifice my chance of being with her...
i want to be with her now... holding her hands or at least just sit by her hospital bed and chat.

my brother needs not know this. he thinks mommy is at work. which makes it even harder for me to hide because everytime i think about what i can't predict and can't prepare myself for, i fall apart.

how am i going to get through tonight and tomorrow until i know she gets out of the operation room safe and in one piece? i do not know.

but God, if you see this. if you're there - watch over her for me, will you please? although i don't admit it or i don't show it, i need her - more than my life.

and in these desperate times, i can't stop myself from thinking of you and craving your comfort. till then, i'll be missing you.

not anymore

2010-01-01T12:18:00.005+08:00

i don't know if i really have a title for this post. if you do see a title later on, i must have probably thought about it after i wrote this sentence.

i hate quiet days at work. it just becomes... too quiet. especially because the management team aren't here today, it gives me even more space and excuse to daydream or go blank.

why couldn't i have fallen in love with someone with a less common name? maybe something like Barabas or Xenophilius or Wentworth? why did it have to be such a common name? why did it have to be so common that every time i start searching for information in the system, i see it. and everytime i do, again and again, it burns a whole in my already broken heart. and i have to go through the hurt and the pain and the tears over and over again. why?

oh, i almost forgot, Happy New Year everyone. i'm not a big fan of today. to me, it's like every other day, just with a more notable date. my resolution? i didn't really think of one either. as of this moment, i'm just trying to get by day by day. the last time i asked for the day was actually a week ago, so you can see how i'm sort of enjoying and not enjoying work at the same time. whatever, this really isn't a topic i feel comfortable talking about. in my head, they're more like little pictures instead of words so unless you can find a way to go into my head, good luck trying to figure me out.

sometimes, just sometimes, i wish i was dead. or maybe, have my memories wipe clean and start anew. suffering like this is not fun. and i seem to have nobody who understands why i am in this shithole for life. how i can't love another. how i can't move on. how i'm in this till the day i die. despite saying that i would be okay if he moved on, i know deep down inside, i wouldn't be. thinking about it, i feel myself plunging back into the depths of despair. and then i realize, i was never really out of it - no matter how i convince myself that i am.

i had so many good stuff happening in my life. for some reason, the motivation never really is strong enough for me to be here. maybe it's because happiness can be shared and when doubled, it makes the world a better place. but despair, who would want to share despair? who would be strong enough to take despair? not alot of people, i'd say.

so if you know what's good for you, don't visit here again. the only reason i come here is to prevent myself from sharing my despair with other people so that they won't have to feel the way i do.

hence, if you know what's good for you - stay away.

i'd really like a piece of his mind. and god, how much i missed it. how close i was to not being able to stop myself from hanging up the phone with his voice on the other line. how much it hurts to be away. and then, it hits me like a tonne of bricks. whitney, he doesn't want you anymore. so wake the fuck up. WAKE THE FUCK UP!
that's right. he's not mine anymore.
no, not anymore.

crawl

2009-12-22T12:16:00.004+08:00

i can't believe i am here again but i am. lol. i am at work! work seems to be awesome today somehow. maybe it was the 3 in 1 coffee i took this morning. THANK YOU COFFEE!

anyways, i'm in the hotel restaurant on the public computer and am just killing time at hand. usually during lunch, i take advantage of the free awesome wifi and download songs. it's has become a routine, i suppose. anyways! i'm just bored out of my mind and killing time!

it seems amazing that whenever i do this, i feel so inspired - especially now when i am clueless to everything that is happening in my surrounding due to the fact that i have music blasting in my ears. i feel super relaxed to the mesmerizing voice of chris brown -hearts-

i know he hit rihanna. i also know that is unforgivable. but, it doesn't stop me from feeling bad for him. when you grow up being in an abusive family, it wouldn't be surprised if you turned out to be an abuser yourself. like me, i grew up with hate and in fear that maybe one day when i get married, i might get divorced and my children will end up like me. i guess, that's the only thing that is stopping me from finding a new love. despite that, my heart is also empty. i guess, i don't have to keep elaborating why that is so.

it just struck me; exactly 4 months ago, i had already sealed my heart away for good.

anyways, i have chris brown's new song, i suppose, blasting in my ear. i haven't managed to read the lyrics with the song but it seems pretty good.

today is a sad day for me. time seems to pass so fast but still, my heart hasn't healed one inch. it still hurts to think about it. it still hard for me to go to bed alone at night. the pain hasn't grown to become any nicer to me, but i do feel like maybe, just maybe, i have grown somewhat strong enough to bear it.

with that said, i weakly let myself be the loser i am and cry for a good 8 minutes to the song Note to God - Charice.

whole

2009-12-20T08:31:00.003+08:00

i can't believe i am doing this but i am actually blogging from work. haha. yes, can you believe it in the first place? whitney the then yi han is actually at work! ah, like i've said it once and i'm happy to say it again, I WORK HARD FOR MY MONEY! lol.

singapore was awesome! so sorry i wasn't able to upload anything on it. i was offered a job the day i got back and so, i've been super busy ever since. i think working is way better than having to be at home all day. though, i can't chiong maple much and that's gotta be the only crappy part.

i have no idea why i am doing this at the moment. it's not like i have something special to say or what. i'm just here to inform you that i am not dead. hehe.

have you ever felt whole? the feeling where you know you feel complete. i've felt that once in my life - months ago. once you have felt that way, it is no good be by yourself.

anyways, i'm really not up for emo-ing at the moment. i'd just like to get my mind off everything and focus on work. after that, hell knows what's going to happen.

a biggggg shoutout to mr. pillowtalk! i miss you and your pedo-ness. my voice still very blur so The Reader is currently out of business. and the only reason why i haven't been on msn is because i am in the gay game you call MAPLE! so if you love me, please download it and come pei me huh. i've been so tired these days, imma need your+0.5

whitney signing out. note: i am not dead. lol.

history repeated

2009-12-01T15:23:00.002+08:00

sorry about the death scare. i thought i had breast cancer. turns out to be nothing.
thank god.
the end.

i'm back home. which is great and not great at the same time. i love being home. especially being in my room. i hate being home too. especially when my room is so small and cramped with so much crap. dang. i need a bigger room. pronto.

i tried to be a bit active on facebook today. usually nowadays, all i do on facebook is play Country Story, Sorority Life, Crazy Taxi and Crazy Planets... LOL. okay, i feel so no life right now. whatever, i plan to be less no life soon so hopefully, it'll all work out :)

a few days ago. i had an aquaintance break up with a friend of mine. i'm not sure which way was which way but yeah, they didn't make it. pity, because they looked so good together. i can't help but feel sorry for them. i want so bad to reach out to him but then again, i'm sure the last thing he needs is a reminder of what has happened and on top of it all, we're not even that close.

if i could, i'd like to tell him that he's not alone. there are plenty brokenheartians like us out there who are waiting for the right person to come along again. when something like this happen, we have to have hope that everything would one day be okay. or at least, those of us who are still hanging here are hoping for that everyday.

if she can find happiness, then i can too. if he can find happiness, then i'm sure i can too. or at least, that's what i think some people think.

there too, are other of us who prefer to carry on with life alone. nothing really moving forward, yet not really not moving at all. it's all about compromising with that broken side of you and of course, distractions.

where do i fit in? i'm not really sure yet. i guess we'll just have to wait and see. i strongly believe in the 5 stages of grief:

1. Denial
2. Anger/Resentment
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

i'm somewhere between 4 and 5. there's no more hate in me - which is awesome. i don't believe we'll be able to go back so i'm pass bargaining. i believe the stages are a cycle actually. once you've gotten 5, you come back to 1 and you start the cycle all over again. so yeah, i keep roaming around stages 4, 5 and 1. not cool. DO NOT WANT. haha.

anyhow, i'm doing my best. we all are, at this point, i'm sure. forgetting a person is never easy and so, i hope my aquaintance is doing alright. i wish you all the best - my heart goes out to you.

if i don't come home to you

2009-11-28T10:38:00.004+08:00

i've always asked for death. seems suicidal and stupid but yes, i have constantly asked to be met face to face with death. yet, i never got it.

what i didn't know was, it was trying to catch me off guard. catch me when i feel like i wanted to live. i want to live. i don't want to die.

if i don't come home to you, if i don't make it - know that you still have my heart. keep it safe for me while i'm gone.
know that i love you and i never wanted to be parted from you. ever.
know that i was never mad at you and i forgave you for whatever you did in a heartbeat.
know that i'm sorry. for whatever i did wrong. for whatever that happened between us. for not being strong enough. for not being good enough. for not being enough as a whole for you.
know that it killed me when you left. and just as i thought i died from being apart from you, it may actually happen now. and i might not ever get the chance to see you and touch your face.

a part of me hopes you'll never come here again. i don't want you to see me like this. i'm not asking anything in return. i just... don't want to leave with regrets and leave words unspoken.

if i don't make it home to you, forget me - the way you're handling so well now.
if i don't come back, know that no matter where i'll be, i'll be watching over you; protecting you - the way i always wanted to.

i love you.
goodbye, kk.

this post

2009-11-27T09:14:00.002+08:00

this post goes out to my dearly beloved Ah Jay PoPo :D
thank you for being there when i needed a shoulder to lean on. you were fab. sometimes, in life, i'm thankful i have friends like you to constantly remind me that i can't do things alone. and that sometimes, i do need friends to pull me up when i fall down and hurt myself.

thank you. and hahaha! you requested for this so please say thank you to me too ;) and, hehehe! even though you're not a woman, i'm glad you let me call you PoPo ;D

LOVE LOADS!

conquer and overcome.

2009-11-24T23:20:00.002+08:00

i'm just going to keep this post super simple because
- firstly, i am VERY TIRED.
- secondly, i am VERY VERY TIRED.
- thirdly, i am VERY VERY VERY TIRED.
- fourthly, my nails are super nice and super long (will upload photos when i actually have time)
- fifthly, i still have a lot of shit to do (e.g: inventory, final report, etc etc)
- sixthly, i haven't sat down in a few good hours (until an hour ago where i bubble bathed and finished Harry Potter 7 (2nd time reading it))

i'm quite proud of myself these few days. i'm not exactly one who is good as a leader as sometimes, i abuse the power - there, i admit it. i'm not good at handling shits because, sometimes i just really don't give a fuck - there, i admit it. i'm not exactly good at taking charge because sometimes, i'm just so afraid that people might get mad at me and hate me, there - i said it.

but these few days, i've been doing what i thought it was I-M-Possible (credits to mr.pillowtalk for teaching me this word) for me to do. i performed as a leader and insist on my opinions. i handled shit and overcame them smoothly. i conquered my fears and just did things the way i saw fit - taking responsible when i have to - and say NO when i have to because i had every right to say so.

so yeah, short and simple. this post is to commemorate me becoming a little bit more mature. not shying away from responsibilities but embracing, overcoming and conquering them.

nevertheless, i have to thank quite a number of people who have stuck with me, through and through.
- Ashvin, Sue, Fe - for really sticking there with me, through all the rough patches and smooth sailings, i love you guys. ash, thank you for everything. god, i don't even know where to begin. you are amazing - really. i wouldn't have been able to get anything started without you. your ideas and contributions is all over my department. without you, really, i would have been nothing. thank you, you have thought me so much and from you, i have learnt SO MUCH. your patience and understanding with me - i am truly touched and honoured to be able to work with you for these couple of days, they have been amazing. fe and sue, my girls! thank you, for being my constant morale support and constant cheer-uppers. without the both of you, i wouldn't be the person i am today. righteous and FINALLY, responsible. my love for you both are beyond words, you know that. i pray and hope you do! i love you girls. truly, completely - i do.
- Huiting, Wayne - for your wonderful ideas and contributions to the food department, i appreciate them to the core :) bearing with me when i insist on certain things and helping me figure out the budget, thank you dudes. you guys are awesome!
- Sophia, Jody, Khenghuan, Crystal - for your patience and cooperation with me. i wouldn't have been able to do my job right as a leader without such great people like you guys. OLEH CHENDOL! :D
- the boys who helped me carry stuffs (like junze, kok kin, nuraini's bro, yekjun to name a few) - thank you. i sincerely thank all you boys for helping me in carrying the things here and there and everywhere. bearing with my clumsiness of getting some stuff wrong and still carrying the things when all i did was run around supervising. thank you boys! all the things in the hall wouldn't have been where they were if it werent for YOU!
Nuraini for your help with MWord2007 - thank you, girl. i needed the program list done so urgently and you came to my rescue.
Mr.Cyril for short but great morale support - hahaha, i have a feeling imma need more and more of your help in the day to come so yeah, say thank you first :P
last but not least, Mr. Pillowtalk - thanks for your +0.5 :) i really needed it because without it, it would have been a really bad day for me with loads of arguments and obstacles. you made it so much better by being the CUTE and PEDO-like sun for 30mins (or less, i think?) i needed it. THANK YOU!

COME ON, CHMS-ians! ALL our hard work will be put to the test tomorrow! LET US SHINE LIKE NEVER BEFORE! LET US CONQUER AND OVERCOME!

silver lining

2009-11-15T00:24:00.002+08:00

behind every dark cloud, is a silver lining.

all in all, i felt that i managed today quite well. i'm pretty proud of myself, as a matter of fact.

morning
got up at around 7 and quickly prepared for school. oh, the reason why i needed to go to school was, i needed to receive a prize :) a few months ago, we had this commerce poster-making project thing. despite the fact that i was supposed to do it with fe and sue, i ended up doing it alone for some reason. i specifically remembered that i wanted to join some other group but they were too in deep the project that it would have been wrong for me to cut in. so, i ended up spending loads of colour ink and not too much time in finishing the project myself. i wasn't expecting any prize, i didn't even think it was a competition. i just knew that i had to get it done because it was going to cost me marks. well who would have guess i got first place?! quite happy about it. definately a pleasant surprise :)
went breakfast after that and managed to not think about the date at all. guh-reat!

afternoon
nothing much happened here because i slept throughout the afternoon :X managed to wake up only at 4-ish where i sluggishly decided to accompany my family in going to bandar to watch the Barracudas play against the Thailand Tigers. i wasn't really hyped about it. oh yeah, the only reason why my family is actually so sporting about this ABL thing is because, my step-brother is one of the players in the Barracudas. i, of course, am a loyal fan of the Slingers through and through but because they weren't playing, it was only right to root for the Barracudas. i AM living in Brunei, aren't i?
throughout the trip to Bandar, i drowned myself in music. i didn't even go close to thinking about the date today because i was nervous the whole time. the Singapore Slingers were playing against Satria Muda BritAma when i was on my way up to Bandar and i had to keep using my stupid DSTInternet to go facebook and check the score. freaked me out man seriously.

end of 1st quarter : Satria Muda BritAma 19 - 14 Singapore Slingers
end of 2nd quarter : Satria Muda BritAma 30 - 25 Singapore Slingers
*i only saw the score of the second quarter. totally was like twitching in my seat. i wanted to get up and shout and scream for the slingers but i of course couldn't do that with dad in the car. i was so nervous and scared for the slingers. haha, i know i sound very silly but -shrugs- i'm just a loyal fan -smirk- hahaha.
end of 3rd quarter : Satria Muda BritAma 45 - 43 Singapore Slingers
*i began to ease a bit. the slingers scored more than satria despite still deficit by 2 points. it gave me a little hope that the slingers would pull through. was still tense and scared irregardless.
end of 4th quarter : Satria Muda BritAma 59 - 61 Singapore Slingers
*OMGOSH! if i could, i would have jumped up and down and scream like i just don't care. apparently the star of the show was Marcus Ng and Hong WeiJian. good job, boys! up next is KL Dragons, i think. shouldn't be too hard so GORENG them ahhh! :D

had dinner and sluggishly continue into the Barracudas game without much enthusiasm because as long as the Slingers won, i was cool :P

night
ok ok, i know i said i wouldn't get excited about the Barracudas game but i just couldn't help myself. towards the end, i was totally blending with the crowd and shouting until my lungs gave out. honestly, it was an awesome feeling because the previous time i was in the stadium, i couldn't cheer for the Slingers in fear the i might get beaten up for not supporting the home crowd :X luckily also, the win for the Barracudas was spectacular. although loads of mistakes were made, as so far from what i saw, the Barracudas performed beautifully especially in the last quarter - like the Slingers :) if i lose my voice tomorrow, it would be totally worth it (Y)

end of 1st quarter : Brunei Barracudas 25 - 24 Thailand Tigers
end of 2nd quarter : Brunei Barracudas 43 - 55 Thailand Tigers
end of 3rd quarter : Brunei Barracudas 65 - 73 Thailand Tigers
end of 4th quarter : Brunei Barracudas 91 - 86 Thailand Tigers
scream and shouted, clapped and cheered, cursed and sweared and it was alllll worth it in the end! :D

although today was supposed to be a dark day for me, i'm glad God made it better by allowing all these silver linings to lighten up my day. i am ever so greatful. today was an eventful day indeed. hopefully, happy shit will continue to fly around and prevent me from thinking too much. hiding is the only way to go now and if distractions is what i need, then it's going to keep me going as long as possible.

once again,

a big CONGRATULATIONS to the Singapore Slingers!

and a big CONGRATULATIONS to the Brunei Barracudas!

(sorry no photo - lonnie jones got kicked out and there isn't a group photo with the new guy yet. new guy being Reggie Larry who totally owned today. if a new photo of the new team is out, i'll remove this caption and upload it here :) )

today was a good day, indeed. and now i can go to bed in peace :)

14th

2009-11-14T01:37:00.003+08:00

i laid in bed - twisting and turning. despite the pain, i couldn't bring myself to sleep. i felt the tire drag me under and a part of me actually wished my lids would snap shut and take me away to my sanctuary where i felt safe and sane - my dreams . still, here i am after my unsuccessful attempt at trying to throw up the contents of my dinner and then i realized, it's the 14th of November.

PMS is a crappy thing. it's why i wish i was a man. i've never really had this problem before, well, mostly because i was very sports active. now that i've sort of semi given up on sports, the pain is extremely overwhelming. sorry boys, i know this topic is going to make you winch and squirm but hahaha, you're going to have to face it when you have wives and daughters so might as well start man-ing up now!

like i said, i went to bed without the intention of sleeping. i had a good read of breaking dawn for an hour an a bit i suppose. throughout that hour, i twisted and turned to ease the pain. other than that, i piled pillows on my tummy. i guess it didn't help that the AC in my room were 16deg and blasting but the pain managed to subside under my warm palm - i was relieved that the pain was gone. like always, i spoke too soon and the pain came twisting back.

after a while, it felt good that sleep was creeping on me. i happily put breaking dawn aside and cuddled up in double blankets with a big pillow and bolster across my tummy. i subconciously wished MattyPoo goodnight and tagged along the drowsiness. just when i thought i would sleep, i began to feel the nausea out of nowhere. i tried so hard to ignore it - not willing to surrender to weakness, i guess - and twisted and turned again in my blanket. i drifted, in and out of sleep. towards the end, when i was absolutely certain that lying there wasn't going to bring me under, i pulled the white flag out and forced myself to vomit out. unsucessful at the first few attempts but luckily towards the end, i managed to rid a tenth of my dinner earlier on and it made me feel a tad better. the worst part about the relief effect of throwing up is the aftermath. the bile taste in your mouth is just absolutely wreck. i washed my mouth for a good five times before stepping out the bathroom. note: being outspoken about throwing up doesn't mean i'm bulimic! i just ate something wrong or something. idk.

as i began descending down the stairs. i knew something was wrong. i was waiting for something bad to hit me. i was insanely searching for a reason to be here. i needed to be here. i went fiddling along facebook and country story. then, subconsciously, my cursor scrolled to the time on the right bottom corner of your screen and then it hit me like a big yellow bus - it was that time of month again.

like PMS, today give me a grinding feeling but that only takes effect in my heart. it makes me feel like i'm always short of breath and i'd have to take shallow breaths to control my heart rate. it feels worse now that it's only 2 hours into today and i have another 22 hours to go. damnit.

a few days ago, i began dreaming the impossible by wondering what would i do if you came crawling back. in a heartbeat, i concluded that i would not think twice and take you back. ha ha, i know it's a joke and i'm lying to myself by being delusional but, i guess i'm stupid enough to say that i'm not as strong as mr.pillowtalk. i can't shove that drawer shut and pretend like it doesn't hurt. it's a feeling that creeps around me every second of the day and it surprises me when i least expect it. what else was i suppose to do with this feeling? shout it out the everyone and tell them to go look for him? ridiculous. i know it's stupid to still be writhing here when he's probably moved on. i'm happy for him, i truly am. still, a part of me - the part of me that always believed we were perfect for each other - keeps convincing me the keep hoping and believing the impossible. like everything else that revolves around this part of me, i follow blindly - letting it lead me to nowhere. love is very blind, or so they say. i won't deny that now. for someone who thought she was actually smart, i realized that i am irrevocably stupid.

'i don't mind it, i don't mind at all. it's like you're the swing set and i'm the kid that falls. the way we fight, the times i cried. we come to blows, but everynight, the passion's there so it's gotta be right. right?
no, i don't believe you. when you say you don't come around here no more. i won't remind you, you said we wouldn't be apart.
no i don't believe you. when you say you don't need me anymore. so don't pretend to, not love me at all.
i don't mind it, i still don't mind at all. it's like one of those bad dreams when you can't wake up. it's looks like you've given up, you've had enough. but i want more, no i won't stop. because i just know, you'll come around. right?
no, i don't believe you. when you say you don't come around here no more. i won't remind you, you said we wouldn't be apart.
no i don't believe you. when you say you don't need me anymore. so don't pretend to, not love me at all.
just don't stand there and watch me fall. because i, because i still don't mind at all.
it's like the way we fight, the times i cried. we come to blows, but everynight, the passion's there so it's gotta be right. right?
no, i don't believe you. when you say you don't come around here no more. i won't remind you, you said we wouldn't be apart.
no i don't believe you. when you say you don't need me anymore. so don't pretend to, not love me at all.
i don't believe you.'

pink - i don't believe you.

2009-11-13T20:00:00.003+08:00

if you were the wood, i'd be the fire.
if you were the love, i'd be the desire.

if you were the castle, i'd be your moat.

if you were an ocean, i'd learn to float.

my sweat and blood

2009-11-10T21:31:00.006+08:00

i forgot who i promised... i think it was mr.pillowtalk that i would show him my medals.
(whispers to mr.pillowtalk ; you right? O_O )

anyhoo! i'd like to show them off irregardless :) of all the medals the most 'gikdao' ones are the basketball and javelin one. explain later :P

p.s: sorry for the excessive use of emoticons. i'm just quite proud of my medals :) sure i know they're not international medals or anything but hey, nobody in my family is actually atlethic so :D

14 in total :) not bad lah in the span of 3 years :)
they are all my babies - my sweat and blood.

shortputt :) something i picked up only last year. did pretty well in the IAAF i think. others just so-so.

i joined this 3 years ago. got exposure from the first year itself :) got silver for 2nd year which was quite disappointing because everybody was rooting for 2 golds from me (including shortputt) but ah wells, at least i got a medal at all :)

got this only this year :) i attempted javelin last year actually. i did SOOO bad that i was in tears towards the end. don't worry, i did not like break down and sob in front of everyone. i just went to the corner and slowly cried myself. crying helped because it gave me the motivation and the determination to gold my shortputt, in which i did last year :)

this medal is a very funny one. i didn't even play :x HAHAHAHA! i wasn't even there. i think i was but only as a bloody cheerleader. trust me, if i played, there wouldn't even be a medal. i am THAT bad in basketball. no worries, i made do with badminton :)

and here is my prized collection :) the golds are singles play and silver and bronze are doubles. i won my first medal in form 1 (bronze). all others were from two years ago, last year and this year. i actually also have two interschool trophies in which belong to the school so sorry, couldn't take pictures of 'em. oh, for other competitions, they just gave me like two or three roles of shuttlecock so nothing to take there :P i've always loved badminton and will continue to play it in the future if and when i go overseas. although i have sort of diverted into watching a lot of basketball recently (mostly due to the slingers. hahaha), i still love badminton. it brought me a lot of problems and from these problems, i've learn to mature and overcome. hopefully no more of shit next time when i dive back into it. i just want to love badminton for what it is and all the things and people that go with it can suck it. lol. (p.s: the suck it part is only for some people. not all not all :P i've met some really cool people too. eg: my ex-coach :D )

that's all for today folks! i know i was supposed to be studying but somehow i can't bring myself to :(

promise

2009-11-09T22:16:00.003+08:00

as i am being pushed over the edge again, i can't stop these tears. i feel the ground crumbling and i'm slipping into nothingness. i thought you would have been there to save me so i fought it and i fought hard. then i realized, i was in this alone and as i grabbed nothing but thin air, i was finally faced with your absense after 3 months.

i lost you 3 months ago and now, i stand here - on the verge of losing everything i have and everything i love. i just want to rip my heart out right now and tell myself to numb it. i can't take this pain. i just can't.

i slammed the door behind me this evening and sat on my bed sobbing. i sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and i couldn't stop. i craved for a shoulder to cry on. your shoulder. then i realized, i no longer had any claim over you and i began to sob even harder.

i'm sorry i'm just not the social butterfly you guys want me to be. i'm sorry i'm such a pessimist and i'm always so negative. i'm sorry i always act like i don't care when i do deep down inside. i'm sorry i'm not the perfect first daughter and i'm not the perfect sister nor the perfect friend and most definately not the perfect partner. i'm sorry for all the things left unsaid and they will remain to be unsaid as of right now and in the future. i'm sorry i always look like a golddigger because i only talk to you when i need to. i'm sorry for the reason i even exist at all in the first place and cause so much pain to everyone around me. i'm sorry and what i wouldn't give to ease everyone's pain and leave it in god's hand. please stop punishing the people i love, god. have mercy on them and rid me. i am the problem. i am the cancer. i am the disease that brings chaos to the people i love. and i know god is playing a joke on everyone i love right now, but hopefully he will stop soon. i'll make him promise, cross my heart.

till then, please bear with him and don't be mad at him for keeping me here and making everyone suffer. i'm sorry. i'll make him take me away and release you soon enough. i promise.

what might would have been.

2009-11-08T17:22:00.005+08:00

i watched the way he looked at her. strike that, look is such an understatement. the way he STARED at her - full of regret. i'll bet all the money i have that he was thinking of all the things that would have been if he had never done what he did a year ago.

i wonder how he felt - watching her shine the way she did. it wasn't hard to tell, too, that she was more animated than she needed to be in front of him. did he see pass that? did he see pass all that pretense and see that she was actually shouting for him to be standing by her side?

i believe everybody makes mistakes. what's important is, we have to learn from our mistakes and as much as possible, never offend them again. but once you have made a mistake, the species of the human may forgive but for sure, they will never forget. would it be right for us to give him the green light if he asked for one? should we trust ourselves to forgive him, give him another shot at happiness with her and guarantee that it will work this time? we can't guarantee, so does that mean we should rule out ever giving him another chance if he had come begging for one? for the sake of her lonely heart? for the sake of their child?

no denial here that in every separation, the children are the victim. i know that because i was and still am a victim. the child will grow up and not have either one parent around when the other is. the parent that isn't able to be around most of the time will try his/her best to shower the child with gifts and such to make up for not being around. sure, it'll make the child happy but did you know, sometimes, just sometimes, all a child ever wants is a happy family.

so back to what i was talking about on top. should we? should we allow him back into her life and possibly watch him leave again and watch her cry because of the decision we have made. no doubt, i could taste it in the air that he felt ashamed to be around us just now. if the female's father wasn't such a calm man, i could actually see him spitting at him for the things that he had done to her. all the pain he had caused her. all the tears she had cried for him. all those time wasted when she could have been actually happy.

but he is only human. we are all only humans. we can never predict the future, we can only plan and avoid. does that mean we should condemn him to a life eternally forbidden to love her? by condemning him, we are also condemning the child from the chance of having a family that is whole.

we'll never learn to treasure what we have until we lose it.
i wonder if he had learnt that lesson and learnt it hard when he saw her today.
i wonder if my father had learnt it as well when he saw my mother.
but no matter what i wonder, it will never change anything.
who was i to even DREAM about an actually happy ending.
might as well tell myself to fuck off because a happy ending is like watching the sun rise from the west.
so,
fuck off, whitney.
continue to dream as you like but you know better than anyone, a happy ending will never happen for you.
period.

2009-11-04T21:55:00.004+08:00

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would have work out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die
I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you now I can't stop

I want you to know
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
But someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you wanna cry
It started with the perfect kiss then
We could feel the poison set in
"Perfect" couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
But someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone
Ahhh already gone, already gone, already gone
Ahhh already gone, already gone, already gone

Remember all the tings we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

I want you to know
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
But someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone

entertainment

2009-11-03T23:18:00.004+08:00

HAHAHA! in my mind, i truly believe that megan fox is boobless like ME :D

distractions

2009-11-02T13:28:00.004+08:00

i've been feeling this way for days.
it's not a good feeling - at all.
i wonder why i feel this way sometimes but i can't really seem to grasp the words.

i know this sounds crazy but - have you ever tried putting a laptop on your chest while you're lying down? after a while, the heat makes you feel like you can't breathe and it hurts. after a while, it's only instinct to remove the laptop or put it on top of a pillow - hoping the heat would lessen due to the pillow being in between. i guess that's the best way to describe what i'm feeling right now. it's a weird way to describe it, yeah, but - it's really the only way i can think of, as of now.

i remember subconsciously scribbling his name in my school books. after a while, friends got used to it and ignored me when i did. i scribbled his name in different fonts, sizes and styles. like i said, it was like an instinct - subconsciously, he was always on my mind. maybe the biggest problem was, i didn't let him know enough. it wasn't always difficult for me to conjure happy endings with him. and, maybe it was because so, it only makes it that much harder to let go. when i don't think about it, it's becomes less of an annoyance nowadays. i can go on half a day without thinking about it. then again, i go about spoiling the progress i made by thinking something stupid like 'i really loved him'.

it's like a big rock sitting on top of my heart. when i remain still, i don't feel it bothering me. but when i try to move, it hurts like hell. i'm struggling. even with adrenalin, i can't seem to move this big rock. trust me, it's not that i don't want to, it's just that i can't. the most ridiculous part about this is, i compare every guy i meet with him.
he doesn't have tiger teeth.
he doesn't have that accent.
he's not into engineering.
he's not from the same country.
he's too hardcore.
we don't crack the same jokes.
we don't laugh at the same jokes.
we're not always on the same page.
yada. yada. yada.

i always manage to come up with excuses for me to not fall for another guy.
and having said that out loud, it really is a big load off my shoulders.

i've been trying so god damn hard to forget. to erase everything. but as i looked at his scribbled name all over my books, i realize, i haven't been trying at all - i've only been avoiding. it really amazing that i'm still here - haven't moving one inch. i guess the best word to describe this situation is, i've only found distractions.

i vow to change. i realize that this isn't healthy - not moving on. he has. he doesn't want me anymore - truly, i believe that. the most agonizing part is (i guess is also the reason why i'm still holding on) he has completely thrown everything out the garbage bin. and how he managed to do that, is and always will be a mystery to me. then again, i am but a human. i will try my best irregardless, otherwise, i can see myself being consumed by this and end up killing myself. sometimes i feel maybe that's probably the best solution too - take the load off everyone i burden.

till then, i'll be cringing onto my eraser - preparing myself for the day i move on and erase all his names on my books.

2009-10-29T08:20:00.001+08:00

i have something bothering me. something as in something in ma head. i can't tell you what it is though. i mean, it would be awesome if i could figure out myself what it was in the first place.

i think blogging like this is going to let me get something off my shoulders. i can't seem to concentrate. this sucks.

-10 mins later-

okay, i've got nothing. am not going to waste my time on something that's making me paranoid like this.

if someone figures out what in the hell world is wrong with me, please dial +673-86-whitney-is-mental. :)

when the wind blows

2009-10-27T21:47:00.004+08:00

like i said i would, i revamped my layout. i don't know about you, but i kind of like it :) i didn't really like the fact that it had to be all black though - it's a bit too dull, but then again, i like the blog picture :) i know i don't look very pretty, okay! don't have to tell me! i know i know, but i can't change who i am so might as well embrace it :)

these past couple of days, i will not deny - i have been quite numb. i found a new anesthetic in mr.pillowtalk. it's like whenever i feel the pain catching up with me, all i have to do is search my msn favourites list and as long as he is on - i am rescued. as of now he is not on, so might as well take this opportunity to prison break here.

as much as possible, i keep myself entertained nowadays. not giving any chance for me to think too much. even when i sleep, i think about the singapore slingers (HAHA!) and somehow, i manage to fall asleep. oh and, for the record, i wasn't delusional. he really did wave at me :) he knew who i was and where i sat :) i was sooooooooooooooooooooo high when he told me :)

i just happened to be slacking this morning. maths tomorrow - gah, not really worried. and whenever i watch tv, the first few channels i flip to are mtv, channel v and e-news. so there i was switching the channel to 714 and this song began to play. oh my gooossssshhhhhh, i can't even begin to tell you how the pain nearly drowned me. it just put everything i had been trying so hard to avoid in front of my f-ing face. honestly, i tried really hard to put up a show. and this song just really burnt the whole show down.

i'm going to literally copy the lyrics here but i suggest you read the lyrics only when you've heard the song. it's my current favourite song. the more i hear it, the more i feel i'm actually sane. i missed this pain, being numb was fun but it wasn't real. so, enjoy :)

i've got to breathe
you can't take that from me
'cause it's all that you left that's mine
you had to leave
and that's all i can see
but you told me your love was blind

i know there are times you're so impossible
that i should sign a waiver
and you will find someone worth walking on
when you ask me to go

i'll leave when the wind blows
take a breath and away it goes
i'll be outside of your window
i'll pass by but i'll go slow
i'll leave when the wind blows

there was a day
you threw our love away
then you passed it to someone new
you wanna stay
but since you wanna play
we can finally say we're through

i know there are times you're so impossible
and you ask me to go

i'll leave when the wind blows
take a breath and away it goes
i'll be outside your window
i'll pass by but i'll go slow

i'll leave when the wind blows
you can scream they're just echoes
i'll pass outside of your window
you'll be sad that you let me go
i'll leave but just know

as i lay in solitude
oh what's a girl (i editted this part :p ) supposed to do?
i shake the very thought of you, me together
i remember
late nights when i stayed up late all i do is wait and wait
you're never coming home to me
that's the hardest thing to see

i've got to breathe
you can't take that from me
i can finally say we're through

i'll leave when the wind blows
take a breath and away it goes
i'll be outside of your window
i'll pass by but i'll go slow

i'll leave when the wind blows
you can scream they're just echoes
i'll pass outside your window
you'll be sad that you let me go
on every face you'll ever know
and everywhere you'll ever go
you'll feel when the wind blows.

i'm feeling a little more sane already :)

2009-10-25T23:24:00.002+08:00

Every time I come home late,
Every time I made you wait.
Every time you lie awake,
And you swore my name
for my bad mistake.
Every time I lie to you,
I wish I would've told the truth.

For all of those times,
I apologize to you

To you.

imported from mervyn's blog.

WOOHOO!

2009-10-24T23:46:00.002+08:00

THERE IS NO WORDS TO DESCRIBE HOW EXCITED I AM RIGHT NOW! also, i am very very tired!

OKAY! THE MOMENT I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR! WOOHOO! I MET SINGAPORE SLINGERS! WOOHOO!!!! i'm like so high man ;) and i think my idol waved at me, which was TOTALLY FRIGGIN' AWESOME! though we didn't get to take a picture together (SOB!), though i didn't get a shirt from them, (DOUBLE SOB!) I STILL BLOODY MET THE SINGAPORE SLINGERS! am like completely high now i have no idea why.

poor marcus ng and poor alvergara and poor hongweijian. poor marcus ng especially, he got rammed into really badly by gamaso if i'm not mistaken. the position he got hit - i could see completely clearly from my angle. gamaso(i think)'s knee completely punched his face when they were both on the ground. poor marcus.

stupidly, i actually had so much confidence in the slingers that i made a pact with a few peeps that i was going to run naked in town if they were to lose. maybe the few peeps had forgotten about it but i most definately haven't because it's my friggin' naked body we're talking about here! -.- it would definately be a sight for sore eye HEHEHE! but yeah, the first 2 quarters, the slingers didn't do very well which was REALLY SCARY! all that fussing to go early to get good seats, all that arguments and anger just to sit closest to the slingers - i thought, were all gonna be wasted. LUCKILY NOT!

Slingers 82 - 80 Barracudas

woohoo! like i said, it's not that i don't support barracudas, it's just that i support slingers more :)

AM SO PROUD OF YOU, SLINGERS! everyone played extremely well today! especially leblanc! almost all his 3 points like IN! :) so so so so happy! congrats~!

the one thing that completely sucked was, i couldn't cheer :( i had scary and loud and mean and rude filipinos sitting behind me and they were so mean! but nevertheless, in my heart and silently i was cheering for the slingers all the way! hope they felt it because they WON! :)

OKAY! i'm completely tired and ready to booms right now! good night :) tonight is gonna be a good good night~ :)

lyrics of the day: does it take your breathe away, and you feel yourself suffocating.

my angel

2009-10-24T14:22:00.005+08:00

okay, i know i said i died but aren't you glad i'm not? :p
maybe some of you want me to die but i'm not dead so HEH! try better next time :p

before i say anything, let me just freak out for a bit, kay?
COUNTDOWN: 5 HOURSSSSS!~!~!~!~!~! :D:D:D:D
seriously flipping right now! :)

okay, back to business. so yesterday night (HAHA!) was quite a fun night for me. he said he had never laughed like that in a long time, actually, neither have i - with anyone besides my family.
since the you-know-what incident, i keep to myself most of the time - shielding my mind from anything that could harm me. my only shelter was my family and having being made to choose between pain or nothing - i chose nothing. it was really nice to let go and let everything out and just breathe again. i haven't felt this easy in a few good months. i'll say, it's good to be back :)

but, doing things like that came with consequences. i knew the consequences was coming but still, a part of me decided to take the risk and do it. the consequence was - another sleepless night. i remember the nightmares and how i'd leave the florescent light on to convince myself to sleep. how i'd roll myself up like a sushi with two layers of blanket and putting the split unit at 16deg and convince myself: 'sleeping today is going to be easier than yesterday.'
yesterday night was very similar. though, it was good to know that even though it took me 3 hours to fall asleep and stop myself from crying, i still slept with the lights off :)

i just felt good to do it again. in case you were wondering what "it" is, it's not SEX OR ANY CRAP! eish, please don't get the wrong idea. it was just merely having a conversation - in a way that became a habit for a long time a few months ago. reliving it was fun, though it was with the wrong person - it was still really awesome that that person was you. you know who you are, mr.pillowtalk. HAHA! :x

even though towards the end, it was hard - it was good while it lasted. it was good for that few hours and how time flew. we talked for like 4 hours didcha know? woah! and i was listening to some crap Celine Dion lyrics and i found a song that was quite perfect for you, friend.

dear mr. pillowtalk, (HAHAHAHAHA!)
thank you for being there for me last night at my most lamest possible angry moment. it was really nice to be finally talking like this again. i can't begin to explain how long i had tried to bottle everything out and yesterday night, you really saved me from bursting. thank you and it's really great to have you as a friend - even though your voice is kinda weird :/ hehehe :p
p.s: i know i'm the first person to say that you're cool so i hope i'll be the first or ONE OF the first people to say that - you're a really good friend and an absolutely spot on listener :)
love loads,
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

hmm. if you knew how mr.pillowtalk looked like - imagine him naked with an adult pampers and angel wings and a halo :O hahahahaha! ;) this song is for you! :)
classics i know i know, i'm quite old-fashioned in the music area so SUE ME~

No Mountains too high, for you to climb
All you have to do is have some climbing faith, oh yeah
No rivers too wide, for you to make it across
All you have to do is believe it when you pray

And then you will see, the morning will come
And everyday will be bright as the sun
All of your fears cast them on me
I just want you to see...

I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I am your angel
And when all hope is gone, I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm near
It makes no difference who you are
I am your angel
I'm your angel

I saw the teardrops, and I heard you cry
All you need is time, seek me and you shall find
You have everything and you're still lonely
It doesn't have to be this way, let me show you a better day

And then you will see, the morning will come
And all of your days will be bright as the sun
So all of your fears, just cast them on me
How can I make you see...

I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I am your angel
And when all hope is gone, I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm near
It makes no difference who you are
I am your angel
I'm your angel

And when it's time to face the storm
I'll be right by your side
Grace will keep up safe and warm
And I know we will survive

And when it seems as if your end is drawing near
Don't you dare give up the fight
Just put your trust beyond the sky...

I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I am your angel
And when all hope is gone, I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm near
It makes no difference who you are
I am your angel
I'm your angel

I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I am your angel
And when all hope is gone, I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm near
It makes no difference who you are
I am your angel
I'm your angel

2009-10-24T10:32:00.001+08:00

forbidden to remember,
terrified to forget;
it was a hard line to walk.

2009-10-21T19:04:00.000+08:00

Whitney Then Yi Han died today.

chapter

2009-10-20T23:12:00.002+08:00

i will be changing my blog's main picture soon! woohoo!
this is much thanks to celine and her superior (er longkang type one :p) photography skills :)

it will be uploaded soon :D alongside the change in the layout of the blog :)

i feel like every time i change the layout of my blog, i am sort of like closing a chapter in my life. i remember the darker days where my picture was like all EMO-ish and stuff and things are turning out to be brighter and brighter for me - which is great! -thumbs up-

as difficult as it is, i'm still struggling to get by each day but nonetheless, i am getting by. somehow, a part of me believes that everything that is fated to be together will be together in the end. as for others, not so lucky i suppose. i'm not holding on to anything at the moment. like the 'miracle' picture now - i'm embracing everything that comes my way - good or bad.

i liked my previous post. i didn't really feel like blogging today because i wanted that quote to stay on top. i just so happened to be surfing around and landed onto an acquaintance's blog. that quote there really expressed what i've been feeling for the past couple of days. he found the right words to say it and it fitted me perfectly. although he might never visit this blog, i'd still like to say - thanks, chuck :) you really lifted a weight off my shoulders.

and OH YEAH~! COUNTDOWN: 4 DAYS~!
i'm so excited~~~

lyrics of the day: 'why do i keep running from the truth? when all i ever think about is you.'

2009-10-20T07:37:00.001+08:00

The words you said,
I will remember.

After this,
I will be different.
I will be stronger,
better, more independent,
more confident.

Cause i know,
although it was bad,
you probably meant well.

- imported from Chuck Yong's blog.

vegan

2009-10-19T20:11:00.002+08:00

i hate it when a good book is made into a movie. i was so bored that i redownloaded twilight and rewatched it. kinda regretted doing so because everytime i think of Edward Cullen's (book version) flawlessness - i see Rob Pat -.- damn annoyed but ahh, what to do? what is done can't be undone, no?

like everything else in life, we make our own decisions which leads to other decisions and other decisions and sometimes it's so bad, you completely go off course from what you wanted in the first place. that was sort of what happened to me, i suppose. right now, i am absolutely positively sure that i'm too coward to make any decisions of my own. it seems like whatever i do, it definately has a whiplash and might i say, i'm no good at all with whiplashes. so instead, i shall let fate lead me where it wants to. fall in love again or stay single for life - get married and have kids or stay single for life - have a one night stand or be a virgin for life (HAHAHA! sorry, i just had to add this one in :p) - shouldn't really bother me. i believe in karma - though, i don't really know how that's related to fate -sweat- .

anyhoo, ever since a few weeks ago, i devoted myself to the lifestyle of a vegetarian. well, semi - vegan at least. i still eat fish and egg. i haven't touched meat and beef or lamb or whatever in WEEKS! it's kind of hard to believe for me as well, seeing that i would have never ever eaten veges just a few weeks ago. well, i sort of still don't eat veges - not the green leafy and dead looking ones i suppose. i devote myself to potato + mixed vege patties, brocolli, tomato, lettuces, carrots and cauliflower sorts. so far so good actually. i sort of forgot how meat tastes like too. strange, i know! but i'm really proud of myself for being so :)

i take the vegan lifestyle - day by day. it's sort of like resisting temptation. it's not that i CAN'T eat but it's because i don't want to. for the first few days, it was extremely difficult, truth be told. i have chicken and beef laid in front of me everyday due to the fact that i'm solo on being a vegan in the family. wanna know a little secret? i ill-mindedly ate a smalllll piece of chicken in school on the first few days. that kind of shocked me because i sort of swore i'd go off meat for a while and just when i did, i ate it -.- yeah, kind of lame. also, being a vegan comes with a few benefits - i feel that my temper has sort of lessen. i don't know why but it's gotten better since i've chosen this lifestyle. sure, it's still difficult once in a while - doesn't help too when your friend is an excellent photographer at taking good food like steak and fries - but yeah, i'm loving it :) hopefully, i'll be able to stick to this lifestyle throughout my life :D i am truly blessed that i have a family - especially my mum - who completely supports me on this by splurging cash on expensive vege patties and what not. love you mum :)

hopefully by sticking to this diet, i'll be able to lose weight too. i heard singapore is really against overweight people - which makes me all the more scared. i am determined! from december to march, i'm going to hardcore exercise EVERYDAY until i reach my ideal weight. i'm praying very hard too that i stick to my words this time :D so far, the feeling of determination hasn't decreased so i guess it's a good thing, again - i am taking this day by day - one step at a atime :) my ultimate goal is to go sg and study, i suppose so i'm going to do whatever i can to achieve it. YOU GO WHITNEY! :D

they say fat people never get married because of their appearance. that is harsh but that is also singapore. one of the world's leading countries or however you call it and it's my ultimate goal. hopefully, i'll get there - i want to, so so badly.

oh yeah,
COUNTDOWN: 5 days! i guess i'll be updating everyday until that day.

i'm so excited~

obsessed

2009-10-18T22:57:00.001+08:00

why are you so obsessed with me?
boy i wanna know~

LOL! ok i don't know why i'm so happy.
maybe it's because i saw singapore slingers on ESPN just now! woohoo!
they WON by a bit! woohoo!
towards the end, zomg, seriously jing zhang like mad! almost pee-d in my pants! :x
i know all bruneians are going to call me a traitor but IDC! because i'm actually malaysian and i should have supported KL Dragons.
but ah wells, i'll just be a traitor to all and support SINGAPORE SLINGERS! woooooo!

countdown: 6 days. ZOMG I CAN'T WAIT I'M SO EXCITED! X)

p.s: mariah carey is a bloody cougar -.-

stand tall

2009-10-18T12:58:00.002+08:00

bloggy ah, please bear with me for a bit. i know i'm not supposed to be emo. especially not now but i really need to get this off my shoulders before i dive back into my studies. i can't concentrate. i promise to keep it short, bloggy - i have no one else to turn to anymore.

i could smell his breathe in the air
i won't deny he smells good

yet, nothing he did could move me
nothing he did appealed to me
he was a good looking lad
tall, handsome
sweet most of the time
as he approaches me
i couldn't help but stare back into his eyes
something was off
at least that was what my heart said
something didn't seem to fit
something wasn't right
he wasn't you
i felt he come ever closer
i could have enjoyed the attention while it lasted
i could have been the one
he could have been the one
but something inside of me
ticked off
with all my might i pushed him away
and i ran
i ran from the pain
with tears streaking down my face

in horror, i stared at my hands
it was then it struck me
it was then i realized
i had lost the initiative to love.

i'm no poet and i know if i studied english literature, i'd definately get a F- ( so thank god i didn't study english literature!)
a part of me just sort of died. it's a feeling i can't really explain very well. it just ached till you had to cry and then came nothing but numbness. scary shit honestly. i thought i was losing my mind. i was so exhausted from crying that i forced myself to sleep. i put on a bravado and faced the monsters under my bed in the dark. waking up only in the afternoon, i was surprised to see that i had matured, that little bit. i am proud of myself, you see, but still, nothing drives that ache in my heart away.
10 years from now when i reread this post, i'm sure i would have no idea what i'm taking about. have you read most of my previous posts? most of them are gone. so what would trigger me to remember the meaning of this one? nothing.
i know i promised i won't delete anything, bloggy, but i'm sorry. i guess it just had to be done and i'm so sorry. if i could give up my life to retrieve those posts, i would. but then, it wouldn't change anything.
i'm sorry i'm crying. i know i shouldn't be. i know i promised that i'd be strong. i'm so sorry. i don't know what else to do or say but cry. i'm sorry.
i believe i was a mistake right from the start. that he didn't want me like i thought he did. and maybe regretted from the moment he wanted to go along with it. everything that came after that was just pity for me. and what i wouldn't give to turn back the time and stop myself from it all if i had known that it would be this painful.
i promise this is the first and last post i will write about my situation now. i don't even wanna explain what it is because 10 years from now, i don't wanna remember. i don't wanna remember the pain, bloggy. i'm just so so so tired of crying.

i want to stand tall to get by
now matter how febble my wall may seem to be
if only i could erase my memories
if only i could delete them
i'd like to delete my whole life
and start with a new document
a document
that would have not recognized you
even if i was staring you in the eye.

healthy

2009-10-18T01:06:00.002+08:00

i believe it's healthy to change blog name or link or whatever you call it once a while.

if and when i do, posts here will not be removed.
they are all memories - good and bad - that i will always treasure for the rest of my life.

my new blog link will be distributed to close friends and family only :)
please approach me if you'd still like to follow me :)

it will not contain tagboard and feedjit or whatever.
i guess i've just come to a point where i don't really care who visits it anymore.
it would be like a diary but online because typing is always easier than writing :P
doesn't help that my handwriting is very ugly either x_x

i'm wishing

2009-10-17T21:41:00.002+08:00

how i wish i could be in Singapore tomorrow.
T_________________T

clear as day

2009-10-09T15:33:00.004+08:00

whitney,
thank you very much for your kindness in lending me your (that something). i know i can sense that you dislike me, maybe after (that incident). well, still you care to lend a helping hand when i need one, so i really appreciate it and i'm touched. you know... i must admit that it is not easy to be friends with you at times but i don't hate you. i still treat you as a friend because i care for my friends and i remember all the good things they've done to me. it is our last year anyway. so yea... i hope we're friends =)
her name.

that was written to me a while ago. sure it wasn't a big deal but yet again, it's not like everyday that i lose a friend.

if i were to reply to you that day, friend, i think i would have been really mean. i would have not given a fuck and wrote all sort of things that were going to hit you like the bomb that sank japan.
today, i am proud and happy to say that i am somewhat of a different person. it may not be a big difference but i believe a little difference goes a long way - whatever that means.

i post this note up to remind me of you. sure, you may not be a very important person to me and vice versa but at least i'd remember you and all the things we've been through.
if i were to reply this letter today, gosh, i don't think i'd know where to start but hmm, i'll try nonetheless. forgive me if any of my words offend you. they are all my personal opinion and lol, it wouldn't matter because you might never visit my blog and you might never see this post anyways. so here we go!

dear friend,
like any friend in need, i would have been the first person to jump in and help. that has always been in me - whether you know that or not doesn't matter, whether i go overboard sometimes or not doesn't matter either. i like helping my friends, and i helped you. that sort of shows that you are my friend - even though sometimes i may not show it. nowadays, i try very hard to at least smile at you. i can't tell you why we're still not talking because mostly, it's my fault. i just don't want to get hurt again. hope you understand when that sentence is clear as day. i just don't want to dive back into that dark hole when i'm in such a happy place right now. i'm surrounded by family and people i love - my friends. i'm sick of arguments, backstabbing and talking bad or what not. i just don't want to go back there. ever. i hope you know that too, being your friend isn't easy. you're so close sometimes and i could never reach you. maybe i was trying too hard, i don't know. i just didn't appreciate our last moments together and i'm happy they're behind us. sometimes, i know you're really smart at all, it doesn't mean that gives you the right to talk low about someone else - people whom you should respect, especially. no matter who is backing you up, you should know that deep down inside, you should respect your friends and respect the people around you. and forgive me, stop acting like a bitch just because you're having a bad day. you once asked me, how did i do it all - friends, school and what not. i give you one piece of advice, life is a show. you put up an act all the time. i do and i know you can too. sometimes, you can't always be first. sometimes, YOU have to be the LAST person YOU should worry about because the people you love - your friends and family - should come first. truth be told, i really did try to be your friend. i just didn't have the patience, that's all. i'm sure you're well and surrounded by people who adore you in ways i couldn't. and i'm sorry we never turned out to be good friends like i thought, initially, we could. i'd like things to be kept this way - not having something to talk about gives me a peace of mind. wish you all the best for whatever you'll be doing in the future. and know that maybe in years to come, if we have the chance to ever meet again, i'll make sure i'll remember you, smile at you and tell my kids that you were one of the smartest people i knew and you were too, once, my friend.
regards,
whitney.

with that, i threw the note you wrote me away.

silenced

2009-09-26T00:55:00.002+08:00

living in the society filled with kaypoh aunties, gossipy teens and on top of it all, stupid close minded people, life can be tough.

you can be good at this one thing, win this one medal or attend this one meeting and the next thing you know, half the town knows you. you get talked about, you get mocked at once you make a mistake and above all else, people want to know about you and make fun of you to make themselves feel better. from that, i guess we all now know why we spread rumours.

when you're good at something, you will automatically get noticed because of it. getting noticed means getting attention. it doesn't help that you're good looking either because that would mean girls would go googoogaagaa over you and dream about being mrs.you. and so from the transformation of being a bachelor to being not-available, what do you think the girls who go all droolsy over you have to say? what do you think they would say about your girlfriend to make themselves feel better? think about it.

in a place like where we live, our stupid dumbass closed minded society, all you gotta to do is be SLIGHTLY better than all the rest and instantly you will be called to represent here and represent there and la dee daa dee daa. for being known for what you do, you are automatically demanded to be perfect. in your case, or so you say, your standard is above all your other teammates. not that i would know, you guys are all the same to me. why would stupid close minded people talk bad about you? think about it. they're jealous of you. like DUH!

did i mention that it doesn't help that you're good looking? and that girls who can get hooked to you would obviously want the world to know about it? what if she was those type? why don't you doubt her? why point all the fingers at me?

the stupid thing about rumours is, they get worse and worse from one person to the other. as for me, i was never much of a rumour starter - i was more of the one to describe the rumour when someone tells someone else about it.

example:
starting of rumour: hey did you know she's dating this guy?
person 1 to person 2: hey did you know she's dating this guy coz shes despo for a replacement?
person 2 to person 3: hey i heard she's dating this guy coz she's a **** and he likes those type.
person 3 to person 4: hey this girl ah, my god, so cheap date this guy but nvm la, he playboy, will dump her one.

see what i mean? the fucked up thing about rumours is that, they aren't pretty and they never will be. they won't tell you how sweet something is or how nice someone is. they only tell you the exagerrated part. exagerrated and completely fake! so heck care about what people say about you? why get so worked up when you know that is not the case.

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO CARE ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE SAY ABOUT YOU? GOD! if your family loves you, they will trust and believe you. WHY LET STUPID CLOSEMINDED AUNTIE GOSSIP GET IN THE WAY OF EVERYTHING? DON'T EVERYBODY KNOW AUNTIES ARE ALL LIKE THAT KAYPOH AND SPREAD RUMOURS ONE! GOD! >=O

i was silenced today for being suspected for spreading a completely false rumour. honestly, this is the first time this has happened to me and so far, i don't know how to react to it. worse yet, it involves people i care about, people i love. i still strongly stand my ground and say that i did not spread it. i would never call you a YOUKNOWWHAT and i would never call her a YOUKNOWWHAT so yeah. i have nothing but respect for you and i like her. truly, i like her. she was nice the first time we met and coming as a first impression, i sincerely liked her. so why would i want to spoil it for you? what reasons would i have to take happiness from you? you may not know this but i knew if rumours were to go around, they wouldn't have been pretty and today, i was right, they weren't close to pretty at all. i made mental preparations to keep this within my walls. if it was not going to be in the light, i was fully ready to guard this with my life. yet, you did not believe me when i say it wasn't me nor was it the people i love who spreaded it OR started it.

i'm tired and it's been a long day. as of right now, i am beginning to doubt everything that i have thought was right and maybe, they were all wrong. and i wonder, maybe i should jus sew my mouth so that nothing ever comes out of it ever again. it's like nothing i say is ever right. nothing i do is ever right or good enough for you. would it be better if i just disappeared. is that what you want? for us to disappear from your sight? not only me but me and my loved ones as well? is that what you really want? is this fucked up thing going to drive us down that road? i have a bad feeling it is going to happen. i may have never said this before but i loved you like family. i do - or maybe did was the better word to use. i have no feelings but fear for you now.

it's been a long day and i'm tired. though, like you, i'm sure i won't be able to sleep. i was silenced and accused for something i did not do. where do i go now?

welcome back

2009-09-23T14:56:00.002+08:00

welcome back all :)
due to many requests, my blog is back open for all. hope you've all missed me :)

i'm good. or at least i think i am.
it's been a month and 2 days and i'm still coping - not able to let anyone in; not able to let anything go.

a new day resolution

2009-07-24T00:23:00.005+08:00

after a long and tiring session of trying very hard to sing malay song due to my bad malay pronounciation, i have finally given up -_- i really don't see the point of going for it anymore. a part of me is ready for it, but another part is so freaking scared that i am going to embarass myself on stage. anyways, it's going to take a lot of consideration so till then, let's blog!

i was having a conversation with a friend of mine the other day, i guess we were reflecting on my previous blog posts. apparently i don't like putting up names, at least until mr.tan came along :) i think i like the way it is. it doesn't expose too much of my life and no one will come back to me and haunt me saying that i backstabbed them or what toot. so i'm glad it's the way it is

i guess i have to apologize again for my previous blog post. but like i said, i am not going to remove it because i guess its physical prove that when i lose it, i really lose it. something i have to control if i ever want to get married, i guess. LOL. not funny :/

sometimes when i set resolutions for myself, i don't usually accomplish them in the end. this is one thing about myself that i'm not at all proud of. what i have decided to do is to print the resolution out and paste it on my pink wall, being physical prove that i can't do as i please all the time. that is very irresponsible.

i guess it's a suspense to know what my resolutions are. hehe -evil grin- sure, i don't mind listing them down here, i don't want to be haunted by msn spam nudges horh -_-

Resolutions to a "newer" whitney:
1) curse and swear less.
- i don't know why i've never realized that it's bad but the most important thing is, now i do. my other living inspector for this resolution is fe :P my personal smacker -twitch-
2) to be more facebook-active
- hmm, i don't know why i want this to be done either but yeah, i'm going to do it.
3) to smile more
- i guess when i walk on the streets, i'll come across as a b****, hahaha. i don't blame anyone for thinking that way. i won't deny that i don't smile as much as an average person do. i don't know why i'm so sensitive about smiling either but if i told you i was shy, would you believe it? ;)
4) to be more ok with vanity
- as a girl, i've always avoided as much as possible to be as LEAST vain as i could be. then again, i don't really know why i'm like that. i guess i'm afraid of being judged for wanting to act cute and all that. after thinking of it like that. what the hell is wrong with vaining? do i really care what other people think of me? yeah, not really.
5) secret
- haha, this one is to embarassing to reveal so ask me personally if you want to know ;)

speaking of vaining, yeah, i SHOULD be more ok with it. no, should is not the right word, i WANT to be more ok with it. i don't see anything wrong with it. so i'm going to be somehow more vain. HAHA. and most importantly, still try very hard to remain humble and the way i am right now :D

i know lah i know lah, i'm not your average pretty girl. but who cares about what you think? ;)

perfected @ 1243.
whii.

apologize

2009-07-21T01:58:00.001+08:00

i'm sorry.

i lost my cool.

i was at my boiling point. i'm sorry.

i know that's no excuse to blow like that.

but i did what i did and have no regrets.

i would just like to apologize to all those who did care in my deepest despair.

i feel like after posting my previous post, i have truly failed you guys.

i'm sorry.

imperfection @ 0200
whi.

not okay with it

2009-07-21T01:19:00.003+08:00

i have an effing computer gce proj due tomorrow. it's currently 1.20am and i'm not even half way done. you know what, i don't bloody care.

i'm not okay with it. what's this EFFING it?! fuck it. i'm just not okay with it.
yeah sure, i'm a lady and i shouldn't be cursing and swearing. but my god i'm so angry that i just feel like smashing my head through the window before me right now. fuck it. i'm not okay with it.

yeah sure, i'm supposed to be ok with it. but god, i'm not. it's so fucking wrong and fine, maybe i'm overreacting but whatever, fuck it. i'm just not ok with it at all.

i thought i was being there enough. i thought i cared enough. i feel like smashing my fist into my bathroom mirror wall and let the glass slash my whole arm till i bleed so bad, i might have to cut it off. maybe even that would hurt less than the fucking pissed off feeling i'm feeling now.

you know what? WHAT THE HELL EVER.

ARGH. there are no words to express how i'm feeling right now. so why am i even trying so hard? HUH? fuck.

whatever.

SCREW IT.

FUCK IT.

my imperfection @ 0124
whi.

buy-shoes-not

2009-07-20T00:22:00.008+08:00

ain't she a beauty? well i recently had a friend (name [as promised] will not be revealed (: ) who told me that he broke up with his 1andahalf year girlfriend over a pair of shoes. here's how it went down: they were walking around in a shopping mall and she saw these expensive pair of shoes she tried on but sadly hadn't the money to buy (yes, she NO MONEY. :P ). so although she didn't ask for it, he secretly decided to buy it and give it to her as their anniversary present. so anniversary day arrived and she opened her present and what do ya know, she started crying and stomped out of his place without taking her present. she didn't reply his calls and texts for the night and the first thing next morning, she told him over a voice mail saying that it was over. mind you, COMPLETELY CRUSHED HIM because he thought she was the one.

honestly, i find it uber stupid that someone can be so superstitous but yet again, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. apparently if you buy your girlfriend/wife/stead a pair of shoes for any occasion, it means that the dude is going to break up with the dudette. honestly, i think my friend was just doing the girl a favor and i would probably love my boyfriend to death if he buys me anything that i like. it kind of goes to shows that he knows me and what i like. obviously in this case, that's not it -_- in case this happens to anyone of ma dudes out there, BEWARE! never buy shoes for girls. who knows, history like ma sad friend over here may repeat itself. this one's for you, dude (:

to a totally other random topic:

if you don't already know, i went back to sibu weeks ago for my greatgrandma's funeral and because i NO MONEY (hehe), i decided to ride with cuzzie and aunt to sibu from miri. on our way there, i saw this super random sign and LMAO. i never got to publish this anywhere else so here's it (:

add a N in between "la" and "jau" :D

ok i know i'm being totally random. just needed something to update blog. have been completely avoiding emo thoughts and thus, no reason to blog. i'm in a happy place. tho i'm pretty sure i'll fall back into hell soon, who knows, right? so i'm enjoying this happiness while it lasts (:

act cute voice: happy go lucky orhx~
god. eww -_-

perfected @ 1254
whi.

xim nai

2009-07-17T16:12:00.002+08:00

ni si wa xim nai eh jit siu gua~ (:

unidentified emotions

2009-07-04T11:54:00.003+08:00

life will never be short of drama and from every death we encounter and cry over, we learn over and over again the hard way that - life is not to be taken lightly. when you lose someone you love, you mourn not because you can't bear to let them go but it's because of the mere fact that they'll never ever be in your presence physically ever again. that lesson, i recently learnt the hard way.

it's not like i havent been through deaths in a family. i lost my grandfather 6 years ago. i lost my step grandmother 3 years ago. this time around, i lost my great grandmother. they're always hard for me to live by and impossible to forget. just mere days ago, i saw greatgrandma for the second time in my life. before i could hope for a third, she was gone. they say that she left when no one was by her bedside. i guess we can all assume that she just didn't want us to go through the trauma of the line going flat. witnessing it and hearing about it later on is 2 completely different feelings. i've always been the latter.

it's amazing how when you're occupied with things, you have so many inspiration to write on this blog. well not you, but me. and now that i'm actually here, everything is like drifting away. which is quite lame la.

anyways i was blog surfing and i jumped to xif's blog. his recent post really got to me. expressing the things that i previously wanted to say during the loong-jac saga crap that i couldn't. well i guess my english is not pro enough lo. anyhow, i have his permission to some of his words here. to me, they are unidentified emotions that i were never ever able to put to words. and xif did it not intentionally on my behalf. thanks xif :)

Parts from Xif under post: The Unknown

"There are those who you just feeling like crying, because of the hurt and pain you feel from the heart. It makes you wonder why things ended up this way, it makes you feel helpless because it is like nothing you can ever do to patch everything back together.

There are those who makes you laugh foolishly at your own, telling yourself "what the hell was I thinking". Knowing that obsession blinds a person, but yet you don't stop yourself from falling in, until it is too deep that you hurt yourself hard, realizing that a part of you is broken and chipped off."

GOSH! i almost freaking cried.

anyways, as of right now, the blog feeling is gone and hence, i shan't continue because i guess whatever i write afterwards is going to sound like crap. i even began using la and lo on top. -_- ah wells :/

i am not afraid to admit my flaw. hate me for it, all you f*ing haters out there but i don't really f*ing care anymore.

perfected @ 1227.
whi.

melody

2009-06-29T03:34:00.008+08:00

i love music.

it's that simple.

who doesn't, right?

i've always felt something was missing from my blog. the quietness of it bothered me, somehow. hence, i've added a song (:

When Love Takes Over - David Guetta (ft. Kelly Rowland)

great song. maybe some of you might disagree but ah wells, it's not gonna kill me.

i won't deny i've got a weird taste for songs. not all the songs i like, my friends like or vise versa. i'm just sort of over the EMO, SLIT, EMO, CRY, EMO, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS stage of teenagehood, i suppose. i still like slow sentimental songs but nowadays, i prefer dance songs like these or alternative rock. (PLEASE! no HSM3 or Camp Rock. -shudders-)

whenever i listen to this song, it makes me want to jump into the rain and just dance. toss and turn your head and just groove to the song with puddles under your feet splashing all over. mind you, in my imagination, i'm doing it alone (: i don't know if it gives you, my dear readers, the same feeling or not but for those of you who haven't heard this song, i hope it does (:

anyways, in my upcoming post, i will be introducing a woman i am obssessed with. omg? a woman? say what? :O {will update on this woman when all the other drama in my life is over}

stay tuned (:

perfected @ 0400 ( yeah people, friggin 4am! )
whi.

super recent

2009-06-23T21:48:00.006+08:00

oh yeah. here's a super recent picture of me as requested by leo (:

miss ya, bro. come home soon!

-picture removed-

HAHA! this was vain-ed at last wednesday preparing for sue's bash. sis was being her hairstylist-self and blew my hair for me. loved it. thanks sis! (:

p.s: OH GOSH! look at them eyebags -_-

perfected (yet again) @ 1044

whi.

2009-06-12T10:42:00.000+08:00

i'm ashamed of my life because it's empty.

say whaa?

2009-06-10T22:27:00.002+08:00

yit chu
ji gu
sa horh
si toh
goh liong
lak zua
qit beh
bek ioh
gao gao
zap keh
zap yit gao
zap ji tu

say cingcangwalawalabingbang?

perfected @ 2228
whi.

hair

2009-06-09T18:55:00.006+08:00

i don't exactly remember what provoked me to cut my hair at the last day of last year but i did :x
won't deny i regretted much but i kept positive about it as i know my hair will grow back.
(unless you know, i get cancer and die :x)
this probably wouldn't give guys a good mental picture of how long my hair was (LOL), but it's a few inches below bra when i push my hair back. pretty long, ey?

anyways, just something random. nothing much just needed to update blog (:

perfected @ 1900
whi.

surprise me

2009-06-04T17:20:00.003+08:00

today marks the day i lost my hopes and dreams.
i ask myself if i will stand from this fall.
sadly, i'm still at an emotional state and will get back to you in maybe never.

have you ever felt like you were standing over the edge? the forces of nature has pushed you over and you're using every last energy you have left, pushing your fingers to the limits and still, trying to hold on when you know that that something no longer belongs to you. then at the very last moment, the moment where you feel you can finally do it and lift yourself up, you see the faces of devils and satans laughing at you; mocking you. at that point in time you feel like you've lost everything and instead of holding on, you let yourself plunge into the bottom of the ocean; never to resurface again.

it has never failed to surprise me that after living through pain after pain; that feeling never grows old. it still stabs you right when you least expected and stabs you until you feel like you can't breathe. tears overconsume every sane cell you have left in stored and you just wish that a car would run over you and hopefully end this misery. you forget about everything other than the pain. you forget about the people in this world who at all, still love you and you forget about everything that mattered at all to you and you forget the reason you take every breath; the reason you take every step forward and you forget the true meaning of your existance in this cruel, unfair, fucked-up world.

it has never failed to surprise me that the amount of tears hasn't been any less and after living through pain after pain after pain after pain after pain after pain after pain after pain after pain after pain after pain after pain, it still hurts like the first time it did. you start questioning if there were any qualities in your that is worth treasuring. you start wondering if the people who loved you were as much fakers and backstabbers as the people who hurt you. you start building a wall that seperates you from the outside world so that no one can ever enter your zone and hurt you ever again. you start avoiding the people who did this to you and cut ties with anything to do with the reason why you are hurt. you start thinking the world is falling down upon you and then you decide, this is the end of you.

i know in years to come when i look back at this post, i would have forgotten the reason why i wrote this, the incident that happened and the people who did this to me. i want to forget and yet i want to remember. conclusion: i want to avoid.

today marks the first time i am actually crying my eyeballs out as i am blogging.
i ask myself if this will ever happen again.
sadly, i'm still at an emotional state and will get back to you in maybe never.

bugs

2009-05-28T18:48:00.008+08:00

this post, honestly, to me is freak hell traumatising -_- even looking for the pictures and choosing them almost killed me. but i thought it would still be a good idea for a post. so note to everyone out there: if you put any of these listed "THINGS" below in front of my face, i swear to god i will PUNCH the hell out of you! no joke :x

and then i'd prolly find a NICE BIG shoulder to cry on. sobsob.

i HATE !

i.e:

cicadas; when i first moved into kuala balai, THERE WERE TONNES OF THESE! always make me scream and shout. hate em! >:|

lizard; they ever drop on my shoulder and dress when i was sitting down before
HATE EM!
note: i know it's not a bug but whatevv! hate em hate em!

grasshopper; if you don't already know, my house area is quite forested and thus, much grasshoppers! big ones small ones green one blue ones black one cute ones!
whatever, hate em all >:/

flies; they're EVERYWHERE! hate em :(

spiders; there used to be one HUGE one in my ex-room, scared the shit hell outta me. searching for this pic was extreme stressful. go google.com and search "spider hell". find a pic with a HUGE spider and MILLIONS of smaller spiders behind it. FREAKING SCARY! don't believe? dare you to do it lor. just IMAGINE it in your ROOM! -shrieks-

last but not least, dragonfly; always got a lot in the freaking classroom. fly around ma head and make everyone else scream. hate em lor! >:(

super random post la even though i did spend time on it. but if you rally want me to rank which bug i hate most, here's it:

1. cicadas
2. lizards
3. spiders
4.dragonfly
5.grasshopper
6. houseflies

lol yeah that's bout it :D
phew. feel so relieve now :)

perfected @ 2211
whi.

new moon

2009-05-24T04:20:00.008+08:00

this saga of books is a phenomenon in our teen, tween and even adult world today. the way Stephanie Meyer writes has captured the hearts of millions and i am, thankfully, one of the millions. it just fills your head with imaginations and daydreams. you find yourself unconsiously thinking about the scenes through your head over and over again. it's really an amazing saga, don't stop yourself from reading just because you may feel outdated or you see other people reading and you think it's lame or what what. just read it and you'll know why everyone is so hooked and why it's such a good book (Y).

i started reading Twilight around november, i suppose? a friend and relative of mine kept pushing me to read it. i'm not a big fan of buying books from bookstores. usually i would just borrow them from the library and read them once, get it over with and return them. i sort of found that prespective quite wrong later on in life after enjoying and owning really good books like Eragon Inheritance Cycle (can't wait for Book4!) and Harry Potter (sadly, i only own the last book) and My Sister's Keeper (refer to previous post). i really do hope i continue buying books and the funny thing is, i have found bookstores to be quite addictive too :x maybe it's because KB sucks and you don't really have a proper bookstore but whenever i get to go Miri or Bandar, i really want to spend forever in them. sadly, i don't have the time for that either. i believe in taking time to choose the right book that suits your genre. i'm more of a touching-FANTASY-adventure-mystery-ROMANCE-&-family type of book person. if you give me politics and statistics and engineering-for-dummies, you can prolly be in mental preparation to watch me burn them (:

but yes, i started reading Twilight in Nov during our confirmation camp (i'm sure most of you remember i had that book everywhere i went and secretly went and read it in between breaks :x) and i got hooked! i continued by buying book 3, eclipse (i escaped from the hotel just to get it and trust me, people, it was not easy being in a place where nobody knew this saga because it wasn't really that big of a hit yet.), because sadly, book 2, new moon was out of stock ): then i continued on to buying book 4, breaking dawn. towards the end after reading all 3 books, i still had no idea what happened in book2, new moon. didn't bother me though, i was just happy through all the "wind wind rain rain", edward, bella and renesmee lived happily ever after (:

i guess you can say book 2 was the last saga book i read and i found it the most boring out of the 4. it's still a nice book nevertheless, just not as interesting at the other 3. anyways, i didn't like twilight the movie (rob pattinson, you're still quite hot to me and it's because i think the book is better than the movie, as in many other cases), i have a feeling i'm going to really really like new moon The Movie. i'm hoping and praying for the best!

so, here are the posters i promised. i can't seem to really differenciate those which are fanmade and those that might be the real posters so just enjoy them anyways. if they are really fan made and they made it into this post, then prolly they're so good till i can't tell the diff la.

ENJOY, folks!

this one i feel is a little fan-made-ish. oh well, it's nice still (:

a little fan-made-ish as well? (:

-drools-

this is Jane, a vampire from Voluturi who has the gifts of causing illusions of pain. dakota fanning, ey?

bella looks (Y), i have a feeling other than sydney and ashley, kristen is going to be my next big threat :P

this is prolly sam, embry, quil, jared, paul? i don't know which is which :x

SUPER DOOPER DROOLS! -drools-
(note: he's looking more and more like steven strait, no?)

and that's about it from me, folks! hope i have somehow entertained you (:

perfected @ 0511 (yeah, no sleep tonight.)
whi.