i promise i'd be back! i know, i know. i'm in school and i'm supposed to be studying for my business studies test. for some reason, i'm not really worried about it. i thought i did okay for yesterday's test. taylor, maslow, mayo, hertzberg, vroom, mcclelland. you name it! :p
i feel like it's been forever since i've been here. it sounds cheesy and stupid but i feel like i've grown since then. we are constantly growing - backwards and forwards. it all depends on how we view things. you could be optimistic; you could be pessimistic; you could be wired to the moon; you could be realistic.
i don't have much time (roughly 5 minutes before sue is finished with her delayed economics test) so i'll make this quick. i'll probably elaborate later on when i get home but then again it will most probably depend if i feel like it or not.
today is a lousy day. i really am wondering when my silver lining will appear. i feel like i'm sort of having a mid-life crisis right now. everything i do or say is wrong or will hurt people. i don't want to be this way. i don't want to feel like this. i don't want to cause problems and i don't want to be the cause of the problem.
is there really any way to go around it? to become a friend and a person who is responsible? is it possible to be strict and follow the rules and yet still be able to have friends that you can fool around it?
i don't suppose i will say what the fuck is wrong with me here and who or what made me this way but i suppose from now on, i will be a much sadder and lonelier person than i ever was. not that i was much of a jolly person before but you get the flow.
i can't seem to get it right. it has happened before and it is happening again. i can't have what i want because what i want is wrong. i have to become what everybody else wants and expects me to be. not that i mind, but it can be a little tiring. facades are difficult to pull no matter how good you are at it.
then there are thoughts of backing out of all these responsibilities. i keep asking myself, "why do you put yourself through this shit day after day?" and to this day i have no idea of the answer.
i suppose talking about my problems here would somehow make me feel better but it hasn't at all. i probably feel worse now. as much as i hope that the moment i get home and start watching movies and hope that these thoughts and feelings of wanting to just stab myself and give up will just go away, i'm sure nothing of sorts will happen.
when life get's tough, i'd really like to give up, please.
take me away. it's as if i care.
having to hear her say that she was disappointed in me made me really wanted to stab myself and just bleed and die. there was nothing like it. to have someone you respect say that they are disappointed in you, and even though they add later on that you're actually doing great, doesn't exactly make you feel better.
(grrr... what is sue taking so long? -_-)
i can see that i am going around in circles. and by now, any of you out there actually staying tuned to this would probably be thinking - what the fuck?
i'm sorry to have wasted your time.
and as much as i'd like to actually pour my whole heart here, i won't. there things just better remain unspoken for it would cause more pain to people (even though i don't really give a fuck how they feel).
yes, i am referring to you. you know who you are. not that i blame you. not that i am in ANY position to blame you. but i want you to know that you don't know me. and you can't pass judgement just from something you heard somewhere.(people never seem to stop doing that, do they?)and that i will prove you wrong. and though i will probably hate you for the rest of my life now (on a personal level), i respect and understand why you did what you did. AND I WILL PROVE YOU WRONG. and it wouldn't matter to me that by then if you give a fuck about it or not because i would have already become the better person and you will still be you.
goodbye forever.
p.s. no i'm joking. goodbye for now.
p.p.s. i have written so much and sue still isn't here -_-
it's been a month since i've blogged and by god, it's been such a long month. but, i'm definitely glad to be alive.
what HAVE i been doing for this past month? i suppose mostly i've been hooked to torrent :X my friend, dan, finally knocked sense into me after all these years with the awesomeness of torrent and i've been downloading movies on a frenzy.
let's see, i've watched all Glee, all HIMYM, all Gossip Girl, all True Blood, all Ghost Whisperer, all the Mentalist, all TSLOTAT and loads of movies in between. sum up all the time i've used probably 2 weeks of time or more watching these shitz. well i suppose you call it my 'getaway'. trust me, there's A LOT of things in my life now that i really really wanna get away from.
today, i received some horrible news. i guess that's the main reason why i'm here.
i was told that my cousin in australia ran away from home. he's 15 this year. he's 15 and he ran away from home. his mother is bipolar and his stepfather is abusive. how does he live? how does he survive? my life is minimal shitz compared to the things he go through. and i can't help but blame myself because there were so many chances where i could have emailed him. and maybe if he had someone to talk to, it would at least still keep him a little sane. he needs his family now more than anything and yet there is no one to turn to at all. i heard that he's previously been to several foster homes. well, several would be an understatement. you go from one place to another and those places, you will never be loved and you will never be able to call home.
bipolar is a very serious mental illness. and from the bottom of my heart, i can only imagine what he goes through everyday and i can't help but feel his pain. thinking about him makes me cry. he's a good kid and has his head in the right place. but the last time i met him, it was a year ago. alot of things can happen in a year, heck, a lot of things can happen in a day.
- doug, i know you'll probably never read this but i miss you like crazy. and i love you and i want you to come home. screw your mom, come with me and i will provide you a home. we are family after all. i don't think i'll ever be able to comprehend why you ran away. and i probably will never know the whole circumstance but if you think you're happier away then run free. i hope you are safe wherever you are. you're always in my prayers.
i suppose this post is going to sound very sucky now with loads of english error because in front of me i have mum, sis and bro fooling around to waka waka.
no matter how horrible problems are at home for me, i don't think it will be as bad as having an abusive stepfather and a mother who can't love you because she's too crazy half the time.
it makes me feel relieved and painful at the same time. relieved that no matter how horrible i thought my family problems were, we're still a family and we're still together. and i feel painful because instead of it happening it to me, it's happening to another person i hold dearly by heart.
- doug, i love you. be safe.
