je vous vois.

i can't believe i am here again but i am. lol. i am at work! work seems to be awesome today somehow. maybe it was the 3 in 1 coffee i took this morning. THANK YOU COFFEE!

anyways, i'm in the hotel restaurant on the public computer and am just killing time at hand. usually during lunch, i take advantage of the free awesome wifi and download songs. it's has become a routine, i suppose. anyways! i'm just bored out of my mind and killing time!

it seems amazing that whenever i do this, i feel so inspired - especially now when i am clueless to everything that is happening in my surrounding due to the fact that i have music blasting in my ears. i feel super relaxed to the mesmerizing voice of chris brown -hearts-

i know he hit rihanna. i also know that is unforgivable. but, it doesn't stop me from feeling bad for him. when you grow up being in an abusive family, it wouldn't be surprised if you turned out to be an abuser yourself. like me, i grew up with hate and in fear that maybe one day when i get married, i might get divorced and my children will end up like me. i guess, that's the only thing that is stopping me from finding a new love. despite that, my heart is also empty. i guess, i don't have to keep elaborating why that is so.

it just struck me; exactly 4 months ago, i had already sealed my heart away for good.

anyways, i have chris brown's new song, i suppose, blasting in my ear. i haven't managed to read the lyrics with the song but it seems pretty good.

today is a sad day for me. time seems to pass so fast but still, my heart hasn't healed one inch. it still hurts to think about it. it still hard for me to go to bed alone at night. the pain hasn't grown to become any nicer to me, but i do feel like maybe, just maybe, i have grown somewhat strong enough to bear it.

with that said, i weakly let myself be the loser i am and cry for a good 8 minutes to the song Note to God - Charice.

i can't believe i am doing this but i am actually blogging from work. haha. yes, can you believe it in the first place? whitney the then yi han is actually at work! ah, like i've said it once and i'm happy to say it again, I WORK HARD FOR MY MONEY! lol.

singapore was awesome! so sorry i wasn't able to upload anything on it. i was offered a job the day i got back and so, i've been super busy ever since. i think working is way better than having to be at home all day. though, i can't chiong maple much and that's gotta be the only crappy part.

i have no idea why i am doing this at the moment. it's not like i have something special to say or what. i'm just here to inform you that i am not dead. hehe.


have you ever felt whole? the feeling where you know you feel complete. i've felt that once in my life - months ago. once you have felt that way, it is no good be by yourself.

anyways, i'm really not up for emo-ing at the moment. i'd just like to get my mind off everything and focus on work. after that, hell knows what's going to happen.

a biggggg shoutout to mr. pillowtalk! i miss you and your pedo-ness. my voice still very blur so The Reader is currently out of business. and the only reason why i haven't been on msn is because i am in the gay game you call MAPLE! so if you love me, please download it and come pei me huh. i've been so tired these days, imma need your+0.5


whitney signing out. note: i am not dead. lol.

sorry about the death scare. i thought i had breast cancer. turns out to be nothing.
thank god.
the end.

i'm back home. which is great and not great at the same time. i love being home. especially being in my room. i hate being home too. especially when my room is so small and cramped with so much crap. dang. i need a bigger room. pronto.

i tried to be a bit active on facebook today. usually nowadays, all i do on facebook is play Country Story, Sorority Life, Crazy Taxi and Crazy Planets... LOL. okay, i feel so no life right now. whatever, i plan to be less no life soon so hopefully, it'll all work out :)

a few days ago. i had an aquaintance break up with a friend of mine. i'm not sure which way was which way but yeah, they didn't make it. pity, because they looked so good together. i can't help but feel sorry for them. i want so bad to reach out to him but then again, i'm sure the last thing he needs is a reminder of what has happened and on top of it all, we're not even that close.

if i could, i'd like to tell him that he's not alone. there are plenty brokenheartians like us out there who are waiting for the right person to come along again. when something like this happen, we have to have hope that everything would one day be okay. or at least, those of us who are still hanging here are hoping for that everyday.

if she can find happiness, then i can too. if he can find happiness, then i'm sure i can too. or at least, that's what i think some people think.

there too, are other of us who prefer to carry on with life alone. nothing really moving forward, yet not really not moving at all. it's all about compromising with that broken side of you and of course, distractions.

where do i fit in? i'm not really sure yet. i guess we'll just have to wait and see. i strongly believe in the 5 stages of grief:

1. Denial
2. Anger/Resentment
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

i'm somewhere between 4 and 5. there's no more hate in me - which is awesome. i don't believe we'll be able to go back so i'm pass bargaining. i believe the stages are a cycle actually. once you've gotten 5, you come back to 1 and you start the cycle all over again. so yeah, i keep roaming around stages 4, 5 and 1. not cool. DO NOT WANT. haha.

anyhow, i'm doing my best. we all are, at this point, i'm sure. forgetting a person is never easy and so, i hope my aquaintance is doing alright. i wish you all the best - my heart goes out to you.

i've always asked for death. seems suicidal and stupid but yes, i have constantly asked to be met face to face with death. yet, i never got it.

what i didn't know was, it was trying to catch me off guard. catch me when i feel like i wanted to live. i want to live. i don't want to die.

if i don't come home to you, if i don't make it - know that you still have my heart. keep it safe for me while i'm gone.
know that i love you and i never wanted to be parted from you. ever.
know that i was never mad at you and i forgave you for whatever you did in a heartbeat.
know that i'm sorry. for whatever i did wrong. for whatever that happened between us. for not being strong enough. for not being good enough. for not being enough as a whole for you.
know that it killed me when you left. and just as i thought i died from being apart from you, it may actually happen now. and i might not ever get the chance to see you and touch your face.

a part of me hopes you'll never come here again. i don't want you to see me like this. i'm not asking anything in return. i just... don't want to leave with regrets and leave words unspoken.

if i don't make it home to you, forget me - the way you're handling so well now.
if i don't come back, know that no matter where i'll be, i'll be watching over you; protecting you - the way i always wanted to.


i love you.
goodbye, kk.

this post goes out to my dearly beloved Ah Jay PoPo :D
thank you for being there when i needed a shoulder to lean on. you were fab. sometimes, in life, i'm thankful i have friends like you to constantly remind me that i can't do things alone. and that sometimes, i do need friends to pull me up when i fall down and hurt myself.

thank you. and hahaha! you requested for this so please say thank you to me too ;) and, hehehe! even though you're not a woman, i'm glad you let me call you PoPo ;D

i'm just going to keep this post super simple because
- firstly, i am VERY TIRED.
- secondly, i am VERY VERY TIRED.
- thirdly, i am VERY VERY VERY TIRED.
- fourthly, my nails are super nice and super long (will upload photos when i actually have time)
- fifthly, i still have a lot of shit to do (e.g: inventory, final report, etc etc)
- sixthly, i haven't sat down in a few good hours (until an hour ago where i bubble bathed and finished Harry Potter 7 (2nd time reading it))

i'm quite proud of myself these few days. i'm not exactly one who is good as a leader as sometimes, i abuse the power - there, i admit it. i'm not good at handling shits because, sometimes i just really don't give a fuck - there, i admit it. i'm not exactly good at taking charge because sometimes, i'm just so afraid that people might get mad at me and hate me, there - i said it.

but these few days, i've been doing what i thought it was I-M-Possible (credits to mr.pillowtalk for teaching me this word) for me to do. i performed as a leader and insist on my opinions. i handled shit and overcame them smoothly. i conquered my fears and just did things the way i saw fit - taking responsible when i have to - and say NO when i have to because i had every right to say so.

so yeah, short and simple. this post is to commemorate me becoming a little bit more mature. not shying away from responsibilities but embracing, overcoming and conquering them.

nevertheless, i have to thank quite a number of people who have stuck with me, through and through.
- Ashvin, Sue, Fe - for really sticking there with me, through all the rough patches and smooth sailings, i love you guys. ash, thank you for everything. god, i don't even know where to begin. you are amazing - really. i wouldn't have been able to get anything started without you. your ideas and contributions is all over my department. without you, really, i would have been nothing. thank you, you have thought me so much and from you, i have learnt SO MUCH. your patience and understanding with me - i am truly touched and honoured to be able to work with you for these couple of days, they have been amazing. fe and sue, my girls! thank you, for being my constant morale support and constant cheer-uppers. without the both of you, i wouldn't be the person i am today. righteous and FINALLY, responsible. my love for you both are beyond words, you know that. i pray and hope you do! i love you girls. truly, completely - i do.
- Huiting, Wayne - for your wonderful ideas and contributions to the food department, i appreciate them to the core :) bearing with me when i insist on certain things and helping me figure out the budget, thank you dudes. you guys are awesome!
- Sophia, Jody, Khenghuan, Crystal - for your patience and cooperation with me. i wouldn't have been able to do my job right as a leader without such great people like you guys. OLEH CHENDOL! :D
- the boys who helped me carry stuffs (like junze, kok kin, nuraini's bro, yekjun to name a few) - thank you. i sincerely thank all you boys for helping me in carrying the things here and there and everywhere. bearing with my clumsiness of getting some stuff wrong and still carrying the things when all i did was run around supervising. thank you boys! all the things in the hall wouldn't have been where they were if it werent for YOU!
Nuraini for your help with MWord2007 - thank you, girl. i needed the program list done so urgently and you came to my rescue.
Mr.Cyril for short but great morale support - hahaha, i have a feeling imma need more and more of your help in the day to come so yeah, say thank you first :P
last but not least, Mr. Pillowtalk - thanks for your +0.5 :) i really needed it because without it, it would have been a really bad day for me with loads of arguments and obstacles. you made it so much better by being the CUTE and PEDO-like sun for 30mins (or less, i think?) i needed it. THANK YOU!

COME ON, CHMS-ians! ALL our hard work will be put to the test tomorrow! LET US SHINE LIKE NEVER BEFORE! LET US CONQUER AND OVERCOME!

i laid in bed - twisting and turning. despite the pain, i couldn't bring myself to sleep. i felt the tire drag me under and a part of me actually wished my lids would snap shut and take me away to my sanctuary where i felt safe and sane - my dreams . still, here i am after my unsuccessful attempt at trying to throw up the contents of my dinner and then i realized, it's the 14th of November.

PMS is a crappy thing. it's why i wish i was a man. i've never really had this problem before, well, mostly because i was very sports active. now that i've sort of semi given up on sports, the pain is extremely overwhelming. sorry boys, i know this topic is going to make you winch and squirm but hahaha, you're going to have to face it when you have wives and daughters so might as well start man-ing up now!

like i said, i went to bed without the intention of sleeping. i had a good read of breaking dawn for an hour an a bit i suppose. throughout that hour, i twisted and turned to ease the pain. other than that, i piled pillows on my tummy. i guess it didn't help that the AC in my room were 16deg and blasting but the pain managed to subside under my warm palm - i was relieved that the pain was gone. like always, i spoke too soon and the pain came twisting back.

after a while, it felt good that sleep was creeping on me. i happily put breaking dawn aside and cuddled up in double blankets with a big pillow and bolster across my tummy. i subconciously wished MattyPoo goodnight and tagged along the drowsiness. just when i thought i would sleep, i began to feel the nausea out of nowhere. i tried so hard to ignore it - not willing to surrender to weakness, i guess - and twisted and turned again in my blanket. i drifted, in and out of sleep. towards the end, when i was absolutely certain that lying there wasn't going to bring me under, i pulled the white flag out and forced myself to vomit out. unsucessful at the first few attempts but luckily towards the end, i managed to rid a tenth of my dinner earlier on and it made me feel a tad better. the worst part about the relief effect of throwing up is the aftermath. the bile taste in your mouth is just absolutely wreck. i washed my mouth for a good five times before stepping out the bathroom. note: being outspoken about throwing up doesn't mean i'm bulimic! i just ate something wrong or something. idk.

as i began descending down the stairs. i knew something was wrong. i was waiting for something bad to hit me. i was insanely searching for a reason to be here. i needed to be here. i went fiddling along facebook and country story. then, subconsciously, my cursor scrolled to the time on the right bottom corner of your screen and then it hit me like a big yellow bus - it was that time of month again.

like PMS, today give me a grinding feeling but that only takes effect in my heart. it makes me feel like i'm always short of breath and i'd have to take shallow breaths to control my heart rate. it feels worse now that it's only 2 hours into today and i have another 22 hours to go. damnit.

a few days ago, i began dreaming the impossible by wondering what would i do if you came crawling back. in a heartbeat, i concluded that i would not think twice and take you back. ha ha, i know it's a joke and i'm lying to myself by being delusional but, i guess i'm stupid enough to say that i'm not as strong as mr.pillowtalk. i can't shove that drawer shut and pretend like it doesn't hurt. it's a feeling that creeps around me every second of the day and it surprises me when i least expect it. what else was i suppose to do with this feeling? shout it out the everyone and tell them to go look for him? ridiculous. i know it's stupid to still be writhing here when he's probably moved on. i'm happy for him, i truly am. still, a part of me - the part of me that always believed we were perfect for each other - keeps convincing me the keep hoping and believing the impossible. like everything else that revolves around this part of me, i follow blindly - letting it lead me to nowhere. love is very blind, or so they say. i won't deny that now. for someone who thought she was actually smart, i realized that i am irrevocably stupid.

'i don't mind it, i don't mind at all. it's like you're the swing set and i'm the kid that falls. the way we fight, the times i cried. we come to blows, but everynight, the passion's there so it's gotta be right. right?
no, i don't believe you. when you say you don't come around here no more. i won't remind you, you said we wouldn't be apart.
no i don't believe you. when you say you don't need me anymore. so don't pretend to, not love me at all.
i don't mind it, i still don't mind at all. it's like one of those bad dreams when you can't wake up. it's looks like you've given up, you've had enough. but i want more, no i won't stop. because i just know, you'll come around. right?
no, i don't believe you. when you say you don't come around here no more. i won't remind you, you said we wouldn't be apart.
no i don't believe you. when you say you don't need me anymore. so don't pretend to, not love me at all.
just don't stand there and watch me fall. because i, because i still don't mind at all.
it's like the way we fight, the times i cried. we come to blows, but everynight, the passion's there so it's gotta be right. right?
no, i don't believe you. when you say you don't come around here no more. i won't remind you, you said we wouldn't be apart.
no i don't believe you. when you say you don't need me anymore. so don't pretend to, not love me at all.
i don't believe you.'

i forgot who i promised... i think it was mr.pillowtalk that i would show him my medals.
(whispers to mr.pillowtalk ; you right? O_O )

anyhoo! i'd like to show them off irregardless :) of all the medals the most 'gikdao' ones are the basketball and javelin one. explain later :P

p.s: sorry for the excessive use of emoticons. i'm just quite proud of my medals :) sure i know they're not international medals or anything but hey, nobody in my family is actually atlethic so :D

14 in total :) not bad lah in the span of 3 years :)
they are all my babies - my sweat and blood.

shortputt :) something i picked up only last year. did pretty well in the IAAF i think. others just so-so.

i joined this 3 years ago. got exposure from the first year itself :) got silver for 2nd year which was quite disappointing because everybody was rooting for 2 golds from me (including shortputt) but ah wells, at least i got a medal at all :)

got this only this year :) i attempted javelin last year actually. i did SOOO bad that i was in tears towards the end. don't worry, i did not like break down and sob in front of everyone. i just went to the corner and slowly cried myself. crying helped because it gave me the motivation and the determination to gold my shortputt, in which i did last year :)

this medal is a very funny one. i didn't even play :x HAHAHAHA! i wasn't even there. i think i was but only as a bloody cheerleader. trust me, if i played, there wouldn't even be a medal. i am THAT bad in basketball. no worries, i made do with badminton :)

and here is my prized collection :) the golds are singles play and silver and bronze are doubles. i won my first medal in form 1 (bronze). all others were from two years ago, last year and this year. i actually also have two interschool trophies in which belong to the school so sorry, couldn't take pictures of 'em. oh, for other competitions, they just gave me like two or three roles of shuttlecock so nothing to take there :P i've always loved badminton and will continue to play it in the future if and when i go overseas. although i have sort of diverted into watching a lot of basketball recently (mostly due to the slingers. hahaha), i still love badminton. it brought me a lot of problems and from these problems, i've learn to mature and overcome. hopefully no more of shit next time when i dive back into it. i just want to love badminton for what it is and all the things and people that go with it can suck it. lol. (p.s: the suck it part is only for some people. not all not all :P i've met some really cool people too. eg: my ex-coach :D )