what is the meaning of love? i have yet to find the perfect definition.
in the society that we live in, does love really exist? can you really love someone with all your heart and soul?
if you ask me if i believe in love, i would not be able to answer you.
someone once told me that i've never known what love is, to that i think so too.
no matter what hasten beating of the heart i felt, no matter what daydreams i've had, i've never experienced what it means to love.
love may never come for me, i can sort of finally come to terms with that.
i just want you to know that,
it was amazing. hearing your voice. having it spring so suddenly out of no where made it even more special for me. so i thank you.
you know, i couldn't stop smiling. it was one of the higher lights of my day. so thank you for that too.
love may never come for me, i know that now.
but even so, i can't help but wish that hopefully,
it will one day find me.
ok, i know i should be asleep right now because i have to wake up early for my driver's lessons (yay!) and my extra accouting class (roar!) but I'M JUST SO EXCITED!
i can't say what yet and it really sucks that i can't because i want to blurt it out so badly BUT i won't. i'll be a good girl and wait till tomorrow when it's official then blurt it all over here.
-went away for 5 mins-
I'M STILL SO EXCITED! oh gosh. am going crazy here. when you have bad news, you just don't really want anyone to know about it and no matter how people try and force it out of you, there's no way you will go about talking about it. but when it's EPIC GOOD NEWS, how the hell do you control yourself and NOT SAY ANYTHING? this is going to be an awesome but also difficult challenge for me. JUST ONE DAY! ONE DAY! the first person i am going to tell? MUM! she's going to be so happy! YAY YOU!
urgh. shut up, i am not lesbian, not getting married, not pregnant and definately not pregnant, thank you very much.
i don't know why i'm so excited really. and i didn't really understand why i was so excited until a good buddy of mine, nick, told me this - when you're at the 4th floor and you look up to 7th floor, it's going to look like meh, nothing. but when you walk down the stairs to the ground floor, and you try lift your head up again and look at the 7th floor, you'll be going WOAH! that high up? 4th floor being your normal emotions on a daily basis. 7th floor being a good news. ground floor being your sad fillings (oops!) feelings at the time.
i've been stuck on the ground floor for a couple of months now and i really have no idea how a small good news can seem so good to me now but it does. i really can't wait for october, it's even worse now that i am so looking forward to christmas! if it ever happens. OH GOD, PLEASE LET IT HAPPEN!
i really can't wait to break the news when it's finally official tomorrow, buddy. and if you ever come by and visit this place, my blog i mean, i really wanna just tell you out and about now that i'm so glad you shared this with me first. and how this little good news has just lit up my life. it gives me something to actually look forward to and hopefully, make the time go by faster!
i'll be praying that you'll have a safe trip. i'll be praying to seeing you very soon.
until tomorrow or whenever i drop by again,
i promise i'd be back! i know, i know. i'm in school and i'm supposed to be studying for my business studies test. for some reason, i'm not really worried about it. i thought i did okay for yesterday's test. taylor, maslow, mayo, hertzberg, vroom, mcclelland. you name it! :p
i feel like it's been forever since i've been here. it sounds cheesy and stupid but i feel like i've grown since then. we are constantly growing - backwards and forwards. it all depends on how we view things. you could be optimistic; you could be pessimistic; you could be wired to the moon; you could be realistic.
i don't have much time (roughly 5 minutes before sue is finished with her delayed economics test) so i'll make this quick. i'll probably elaborate later on when i get home but then again it will most probably depend if i feel like it or not.
today is a lousy day. i really am wondering when my silver lining will appear. i feel like i'm sort of having a mid-life crisis right now. everything i do or say is wrong or will hurt people. i don't want to be this way. i don't want to feel like this. i don't want to cause problems and i don't want to be the cause of the problem.
is there really any way to go around it? to become a friend and a person who is responsible? is it possible to be strict and follow the rules and yet still be able to have friends that you can fool around it?
i don't suppose i will say what the fuck is wrong with me here and who or what made me this way but i suppose from now on, i will be a much sadder and lonelier person than i ever was. not that i was much of a jolly person before but you get the flow.
i can't seem to get it right. it has happened before and it is happening again. i can't have what i want because what i want is wrong. i have to become what everybody else wants and expects me to be. not that i mind, but it can be a little tiring. facades are difficult to pull no matter how good you are at it.
then there are thoughts of backing out of all these responsibilities. i keep asking myself, "why do you put yourself through this shit day after day?" and to this day i have no idea of the answer.
i suppose talking about my problems here would somehow make me feel better but it hasn't at all. i probably feel worse now. as much as i hope that the moment i get home and start watching movies and hope that these thoughts and feelings of wanting to just stab myself and give up will just go away, i'm sure nothing of sorts will happen.
when life get's tough, i'd really like to give up, please.
take me away. it's as if i care.
having to hear her say that she was disappointed in me made me really wanted to stab myself and just bleed and die. there was nothing like it. to have someone you respect say that they are disappointed in you, and even though they add later on that you're actually doing great, doesn't exactly make you feel better.
(grrr... what is sue taking so long? -_-)
i can see that i am going around in circles. and by now, any of you out there actually staying tuned to this would probably be thinking - what the fuck?
i'm sorry to have wasted your time.
and as much as i'd like to actually pour my whole heart here, i won't. there things just better remain unspoken for it would cause more pain to people (even though i don't really give a fuck how they feel).
yes, i am referring to you. you know who you are. not that i blame you. not that i am in ANY position to blame you. but i want you to know that you don't know me. and you can't pass judgement just from something you heard somewhere.(people never seem to stop doing that, do they?)and that i will prove you wrong. and though i will probably hate you for the rest of my life now (on a personal level), i respect and understand why you did what you did. AND I WILL PROVE YOU WRONG. and it wouldn't matter to me that by then if you give a fuck about it or not because i would have already become the better person and you will still be you.
goodbye forever.
p.s. no i'm joking. goodbye for now.
p.p.s. i have written so much and sue still isn't here -_-
it's been a month since i've blogged and by god, it's been such a long month. but, i'm definitely glad to be alive.
what HAVE i been doing for this past month? i suppose mostly i've been hooked to torrent :X my friend, dan, finally knocked sense into me after all these years with the awesomeness of torrent and i've been downloading movies on a frenzy.
let's see, i've watched all Glee, all HIMYM, all Gossip Girl, all True Blood, all Ghost Whisperer, all the Mentalist, all TSLOTAT and loads of movies in between. sum up all the time i've used probably 2 weeks of time or more watching these shitz. well i suppose you call it my 'getaway'. trust me, there's A LOT of things in my life now that i really really wanna get away from.
today, i received some horrible news. i guess that's the main reason why i'm here.
i was told that my cousin in australia ran away from home. he's 15 this year. he's 15 and he ran away from home. his mother is bipolar and his stepfather is abusive. how does he live? how does he survive? my life is minimal shitz compared to the things he go through. and i can't help but blame myself because there were so many chances where i could have emailed him. and maybe if he had someone to talk to, it would at least still keep him a little sane. he needs his family now more than anything and yet there is no one to turn to at all. i heard that he's previously been to several foster homes. well, several would be an understatement. you go from one place to another and those places, you will never be loved and you will never be able to call home.
bipolar is a very serious mental illness. and from the bottom of my heart, i can only imagine what he goes through everyday and i can't help but feel his pain. thinking about him makes me cry. he's a good kid and has his head in the right place. but the last time i met him, it was a year ago. alot of things can happen in a year, heck, a lot of things can happen in a day.
- doug, i know you'll probably never read this but i miss you like crazy. and i love you and i want you to come home. screw your mom, come with me and i will provide you a home. we are family after all. i don't think i'll ever be able to comprehend why you ran away. and i probably will never know the whole circumstance but if you think you're happier away then run free. i hope you are safe wherever you are. you're always in my prayers.
i suppose this post is going to sound very sucky now with loads of english error because in front of me i have mum, sis and bro fooling around to waka waka.
no matter how horrible problems are at home for me, i don't think it will be as bad as having an abusive stepfather and a mother who can't love you because she's too crazy half the time.
it makes me feel relieved and painful at the same time. relieved that no matter how horrible i thought my family problems were, we're still a family and we're still together. and i feel painful because instead of it happening it to me, it's happening to another person i hold dearly by heart.
- doug, i love you. be safe.
when someone punches you in the face
a normal human being would normally retaliate
i, however, would go into the corner or my room and read twilight repeatedly.
I've been hurt beyond repair. It's the type of hurt where you never saw it coming and well basically, there aren't any words for it. So far, only the closest of my closest friends know about this. I feel much better after having a shoulder to lean on. Though, the pain sort of backfired when I had a friend laugh at me today.
I am stupid. I am naive. I am gullible.
I was, am and will always seem to be.
I remember crying due to the end of a relationship. It seems so little compared to what I am going through right now. There are really no words. And to the end, I just really don't care anymore. I need myself to stop caring to protect my heart. If not, death may be the only way to go.
When you've lost your purpose in life.
When you can no longer behold the rationale of your existence.
When everything is crumbling before you.
When you feel like there's no tomorrow.
When you feel like you can't go on.
What's Next?
don't read the plot. don't read behind the dvd. just watch it. you're in for a surprise.
robert pattinson, i have to admit, did a pretty convincing job. alongside, emilie de ravin and pierce brosnan.
gave me a horrible heartache. so painful that i forgot to cry. it feels awesome to be in pain again. however fake or short term it may be.
overall story i would rate a 7.5
ending definately a 9. though i am not convinced that the lil girl's hair can be THAT long again within a year (trust me, i've been there.)
actors a spot on 9
nobody is perfect. so does anybody actually deserve a 10?
i know it's been forever since i blogged so before i go away for a couple of days, i think it's only right for me to finally clear the air.
i am not weak. i will not back down if you attack me. i will not ignore the problem if you try and fight me. i will fuck you up if you insult my family. i will spit at you for being the fag that you are. and how from you, god be damn, i learnt to be a better person - a person that's anyone but you.
that's my true colour. that's me if you mess with me. i can be nice, the nicest, most crowd-pleasing person on earth. i can also be mean, a damn straight bitch from hell.
sorry for the vulgarities but it's really really really about time that i clear the air.
to all the people recently whom of which, i have seen your true colours. i will learn to stay away. i do not want to be like you. i want to be above you. i don't know how i brought myself to finally open my eyes and see but i have. gosh, i finally have. all those emo posts from years ago. all those times WASTED crying and being upset over NOTHING.
no more.
i am happy. and i will forever be happy. hopefully when i emo in the future, this post will make me change my mind. which would mean, less hate posts = hiphiphooray.
thank you for your attention. now if you would kindly move your cursor to the top right hand corner and click! goodnight.
