hey-howh! i ain't dead. someone once told me that the more you want to die, the less likely you will. that's a theory i strongly believe in. look where i am today.
i can't begin to tell you how horrible last week was. all the drama may be behind us now but it only means that it's time for scars to surface and haunt us forever.
i'm glad i missed annie's party and went to miri. i subconsciously needed grandma's embrace so much that i completely broke down the second i was in her arms. it's a simple thing, me and my gramps. i know i can always count on her to be there for me and give me advice whenever i need them. truth be told, she gives the best advises(even though she sometimes go overboard with her story telling).
i don't know if it's really the case but in my bones, i feel like it was grandma who made me conservative person i am today. i will always have a little bit of her in me - traditional, emotional, marginally suicidal and full of compassion. i feel like i'm a more wonderful and good person because she's a part of me. and i will always always love her because of these traits she has bestowed upon me.
i don't understand how some people can prey on somebody else's compassion. it's degrading but alas, there are people as such in this world. in my family, even.
from now on, i have to always remember grandma's words. it's fate. it's life. it's meant to be. what is set in stone cannot be erased. it's god's will. i'm just glad that i didn't turn out like the rest of them. and i know i'll never because of grandma.
i just need to be more open minded. i need to learn to let go. i need to start living for me and justin and if other people, including the people i love, don't turn out the way i thought they would, i need to be ok with it.
i need to be a better person, constantly challenge myself - conquer and overcome. for me. for my family who actually give a fuck about me. and for grandma.
just let cancer spread through me and kill me already.
i keep trying to be optimistic and i keep trying to act as if nothing is wrong but i just can't anymore. everything is wrong. nothing is right.
i see no end to this hellhole and i'd very much like to be perished before i actually get there and get my just only mended heart torn into a million pieces again.
i feel like i'm going insane half the time. i think i belong in an asylum where nothing can touch me.
i can't handle this emotionally anymore. it's killing me every second but yet, not fast enough. it's as if god is playing a cruel joke on me. a joke that has no ending of me writhing in pain.
please, end my life now. coward as i am, i can't seem to do it alone. please someone, anyone, end my life now.
should i put up the chat box thing again? i seem to have quite a decent number of following :) i'm really considering if i should :/ it's nice to get some feedback once in a while from you guys. leave comments on if you think i should or if you would drop a couple of words if i put the chat box thing up again. can't wait to hear your responses :D
comment, kay kay kay?
how you heartlessly ripped my heart out and threw all my love for you into the deep blue sea.
sometimes i feel so hollow and empty.
like all that's left inside is a big black hole that sucks in everything else.
a big black pit of darkness where nothing exists and nothing is real.
i promised myself that i would never let myself go there again.
yet again and again, i fall back into your trap.
trusting you again and again with my heart when i never should have in the first place.
i've been broken beyond repair and that's a fact i wish i could change but i can't.
it's ironic how i thought going through a break up was bad.
how that break up was only like licking salt compared to what i'm going through now.
nothing will ever make me forget this pain and the complications that come with it.
the inability to trust, love and sympathize again.
half the time, well most of the time, i think i'm crazy.
stalking around because i know no other ways to protect you.
i wish i could explain to you the level of pain i'm going through.
and how i wish i could make myself trust you again like you think i could.
i keep telling myself i have a goal in life, i have a goal in life, i have a goal in life.
but i honestly don't see it.
i don't see my purpose in life. i don't know why i'm here.
i can't see myself 10 years from now. i can't see myself 1 year from now. i can't see myself tomorrow.
my heart has been asleep for so long. i didn't know reawakening it would hurt so bad.
why did i have to keep stabbing my heart? why do i keep putting myself through this misery?
i hope i don't ever get the answer.
i don't plan to live long enough to ever find it.
泪湿的枕头晒干就好
眼泪在你的心里只是无理取闹
以为在你身后是我一辈子的骄傲
眼泪在你的心里只是无理取闹
以为在你身后是我一辈子的骄傲
just great. i have officially tortured myself to the point of exhaustion. just great, whitney. at the rate you're going, you won't have the chance to sit for your oh-so-important final term examinations.
i am sick. fever, barf, phlegm, headache - you name it. kill me now, thanks.
p/s the song above makes me heart sting. enough to numb me of whatever.
p/p/s i thank God for me still letting me live everyday.
you hurt me bad but i won't shed a tear.
i'm leaving you for the last time, baby.
you think you're loving but you don't love me.
i don't exactly have a reason to be here. more procrastinating, i suppose. i'm just more content with my blog layout than i've ever been after so many years of blogging -smile-
as always, i thank the Lord for this beautiful day and that He may pray for me and give me guidance through the Holy Spirit when i sit for my test later. thank you, God!
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