good evening, earthlings.
honestly i don't know why i'm here so bear with me.
okay well, i might as well get straight to the point.
i don't believe in love anymore.
for now.
if you know me, as in really know me, or if you're an avid follower of this blog - which i hope you're not because that would mean you have somewhat no life - you'll know that i'm a die hard fan of love. i love the idea of being in love. i love love. i want to get married, have a husband who loves me and cares for me and i want children, as many as i can have.
but yesterday, something happened. something that shook my entire perception on life as i led it. why the fuck do i give so much fuck? why should i care for assholes who don't remember my name by the end of the night? why do i become sad, cry and want to die because of bastards who do not deserve my love? W?H?Y?
it is safe to say that i am done with love. for now. i keep saying 'for now' because, i still do believe in love. i still believe that there is someone somewhere out there made especially for me. but i am not going to go looking for him anymore. he has to come find me. i am not going to go around comparing one guy to the other thinking that he might be THE ONE anymore. i am not going to go knocking on each door and asking: "hey, is the love of my life in here?" anymore. i am done holding on to invisible, unnecessary feelings that's going to get me nowhere but pain and heartache.
from this point on, whatever happens, happens. for the first time in my life, i am actually fine with my single status. and for the first time, i think it's best that it remains this way. i need to learn to love myself before i can allow anyone to love me.
today has been tiring and yet somewhat interesting. it would have made my day yesterday but today, it just couldn't touch me. i have proven to myself that i am really done with love for the time being. hopefully, i can keep this up.
there are better things to do in life than to worry if he loves you back or not when you clearly know he doesn't. i've hard to learn that the hard way and i'm glad it's all over and done with. on the other hand, it doesn't mean i'll stop listening to sad or sappy songs though. let it be made clear that my taste in music has now no relevance to my love life at all. BELIEVE ME.
okay, i'm seriously running out of things to say.
whatever it is, fuck love. i have already erased marriage and kids from my brain's hard disk and i don't intend to create a new folder on that until someone actually does come along and tell me that they'd very much like to spend the rest of their lives with me. all 9 of them.
so yeah, fuck love. leave if you really want to.
p/s. sorry for this stupid post. i'm really falling asleep and i'm actually really uninspired now that i'm not heartbroken (HAHA). forgive me! i just had to say what i could before i push the laptop aside and go to bed.
It's 10.32pm. Well, it's 10.33pm now. I am sitting here in my mother's office, listening to random sad songs and trying very hard to make myself cry. Because I just don't know how else to cope.
Dear John,
How have you been? Boy, I have missed you so. I can't believe it's been years since I last heard your voice or saw your face. I miss you. More than I'll ever let myself show.
Can you believe it? I met someone just like you. He was kind, funny, tall, handsome, genuine, sweet, caring and everything else that you were. His head is filled with random information, he is warm and calm, he is everything you were and more. Sorry, but it's true. He looked at me like I was the only girl in the world. He smiled at me as if I owned it. As if his smile belonged to me. He was everything you were and more. Take note of the past tense.
John, if you ever get tired of reading this, I suggest you stop. But even if you do, I am going to write to you anyways. At times like these, I just don't know who else to turn to anymore. And how I wish, I could turn to you for comfort. But I have no idea where you are or what you are doing. Nevertheless, I wish you well.
I fell so hard, so fast, John. I swear, I didn't mean to. What I accomplished with you in a month, I accomplished with him in a week. At the end of the week, the feeling was so overwhelming, it took my breath away. In the past, I always compared the boys who I was interested in to you. If they were smarter than you or crazier than you. If they made me feel as warm as you did or if they made me feel the way you still sometimes do. He made me felt that way and more.
I hope you're happy that I've moved on from you. However, it ended before it even began. He can't be with me, John. And now, he doesn't want to be. It's my fault. Again. I want to punch myself and claw my heart out for making the same mistake. It's as if I never learnt. I'm so stupid.
Something happened today. Something that made me completely disconnect myself from the world. Trust me, I have tried being optimistic about it. About being left behind because he is now into another friend. About being maybe, we might still stand a chance with whatever little time we have. But no, John. Not after today.
I want to cry the way I did when we broke up. But I can't. The pain has gone beyond tears and I am at a point where I feel like the only thing left to do is to claw my heart out and dump it in a trashcan somewhere. At times as these, I wish you were here to hold my hand and tell me that it's all going to be okay. At times as these, I wish you were my best friend again.
I can't stop thinking about him. As hard as I try. He is in my every train of thought, haunting me, killing me alive. I want to be strong. And I wish I was stronger. But I also understand that this will take time and isolation.
I wish I could show you how much he means to me and the lengths I would go to for him. But now that it is all over, there really isn't a need to anymore. I love him, John. I just wish he knew how much.
It has occurred to me that this is just a vacation to him and I am just some local desperate girl, desperate for love and affection. But I won't change the way I am. I have always been passionate, loud, proud, strong and stubborn. You know that better than I do. Though I think, it's time that I do change. Because I have a feeling if I continue like this, I might seriously end up forever alone. I don't know what you want for me but that is most definitely what I do not want for myself.
I want a husband who I can overcome trials and turbulence with. I want a husband who is stable and who wants lots of kids. I want a husband I can grow old with. I want a husband who will love me for me. Is that too much to ask?
I have dated jerks. Boys who only want me for my body. I thought that when I found him, it was all going to end. That I might just actually get my happy ending after all. But I was wrong. Boy, was I so wrong.
I am hurt. I am angry and hurt. I am angry and tired and hurt. I am also done. I am done caring. I am done giving a crap. I am done being there for people. I am done with love. I am done.
I really don't know how to end this letter. Is it even a letter? What I can promise you now is, I give up on love. No more being sad and sorry for myself. No more staring at boys, hoping they'd stare back. No more wasting time on people who care not for me the way I do them. Which also means, no more wasting time on you.
Goodbye, John. I miss you. I hope you are well. But I just can't hold on to anyone anymore. In this world, I have nobody but myself. And the sooner I see that, the sooner I will climb out of this shit hole.
I will stop expecting. I will stop assuming. I will stop pretending. I will stop caring. I will stop loving. I will stop trying.
Goodbye, John. Goodbye.
i am weak. or so you say. without even knowing the entire story, you think i'm weak. what a big joke.
everybody is weak. you. me. he. she. we. them.
Everybody.
just because i appear to be strong around you, doesn't mean that i don't have my bad days. don't you have your bad days too? who are you to call me weak? who the fuck do you think you are?
we have all made mistakes in life. some we will regret forever. some we will learn lessons from. my biggest mistake was thinking that you could give him happiness when all you did was just be stupid.
i handed him over to you on a diamond encrusted platter and instead of treasuring him, you ruined him. you need to go see a psychiatrist.
just because i show my weaker side here, doesn't mean i'm weak. have you never noticed the gap between my posts, you imbecile? what the fuck do you think happens between that time span? that i freaking cut my wrist all day and take pills to show how fucking emo i am? you couldn't be anymore fucking wrong.
i am happy. i am strong. i am me. you have no fucking right to judge otherwise.
so fuck you, bitch. there, that's my 2 cents. and if you'll excuse me, it's time for me to go be happy and go clubbing. unlike you, who is probably being a stupid stalker right now.
growing up, i've always had a silly daydream like all the other children who live in the tropical region of our planet Earth. i've always wished Brunei would snow. like Canada. i've been to Canada only once in my life and it was when i was very young. i think i was probably 6 or 7 years old but once you've seen snow, you'll never ever forget it.
if brunei had 4 seasons, that would mean that we'd be having autumn now. not taking into consideration of the countries in the southern hemisphere but yes, it would be autumn now. and it would have been troublesome, i suppose, from cleaning all the leaves but then, it would be exciting too. because autumn could only mean we would all see snow again.
i've never experienced autumn but i suppose it would be eerie. things around you die. everything turns into shades of brown. after spring and summer, i suppose it exposes the circle of life. everything must die to be born again.
i can assure you that i wasn't ready to feel this way. every single cell in my body was prepping me for a battle that i knew i had lost when you came swooping in like the handsome prince that you are. tall. dark. handsome. and those beautiful brown eyes.
i don't know how to tell you but i haven't felt like this in a very long time. a very, very long time ago, i was ready to give everything up for the one i loved. he had nothing on me and yet i was so prepared to let go of everything. with you, for a second there, i was sure i was willing to do the exact same. however, it only lasted a second because i don't love you. because i never had the chance to.
it's been 120 hours and you're still the only thing on my mind. i can't seem to drive your voice out of my head. and i'm so helpless. trust me, i want to stop thinking about you. had i known that i would be here right now, i would have never let myself be so vulnerable. but, the entire night, vulnerable was my best bet at accepting the fact that i needed to get over someone else. i was so proud that i had successfully done that and yet now, you do this to me. why?
it goes without a word that i miss you. i miss your warm smile. your hands. your voice. your laugh. your face. most of all, your beautiful brown eyes. it may not be hurting you but it's hurting me. for the first time, i'm hurting and there's nothing i can do about it. there's no distraction to distract me from it. there's no avoiding it, no running away from it.
thus, i've decided to face it head on. i will let your voice sing me to sleep in tears just because i really don't know what else to do. i sound fickle, don't i? i am indeed, a fickle fool for you.
with this post, i promise to get over you and this feeling. call it what you may - puppy crush, infatuation, love. i will drown myself in tears and be the melodramatic person that i am and eventually, get over you. it's better for us both.
however, a part of me will always regret not holding you when i could have. not kissing you when i could have. not staying longer when i should have. nothing i do will be able to turn back time, nothing i do will be able to make things right.
may you always hold a special place in my heart for being the handsome prince that you are. for having me so smitten that i feel like a 13-year-old in love with justin bieber. i will always thank you for diverting my attention that night and letting me feel things i haven't felt in so long. the warmth of someone who genuinely cared for me, however fake it might have been for you. and also, for holding my heart for me that night when i didn't have the strength to do it myself. so, thank you.
may your voice, like autumn, die in my heart as winter swoops in like an eagle with wings made of snow. may your voice, be the soundtrack of my autumn.
i am bitter. though bitter, i'm surprised i'm not sad.
if this happened to me 2 years ago, i probably would have killed myself already. i could have probably related myself to every sad song and cry for the whole day again like i did the last time. surprisingly, i haven't shed a tear. NOT ONE. trust me, it hurts. i've tried so hard to cry, i watched Meteor Garden, i listened to the saddest songs and i just kept forcing my mind to think about it and what do you know? Nada. Zip. Nothing. I ARE SURPRISED.
i won't lie. and i can't believe i'm actually admitting this now but when it became official(for like 2 days?), i was seriously scared. the little voice in my heart actually told me to give up. i kept thinking. is this what my whole life is going to be about? is this it? am i going to go overseas and not be able to even ogle over hot guys and remain faithful forever? okay okay. i know that makes me sound REALLY shallow but hey, sue me. there are so many things i want to accomplish in life. i want to travel the world. i want to have a home i can call my own. i want to fall madly, deeply, passionately in love. i want to live freely without commitment. i want to go out into this world, fall, hurt myself and come crawling back and say: mommy, you were right.
when it became official, i saw all those dreams disappear and i bit my tongue while erasing them. still, i erased them. because the rational little dude in my head told me that it was the right thing to do. sure, he wasn't passionate about you. sure, he's not exactly the man of your dreams. sure, you probably have to give up having a big house in australia and have a ranch and have Alaskan huskies running around in your back yard. But. But But But. He can provide. he would have been someone mommy and daddy would agree upon. he would have been someone who could give you a home and a stable life. you could have beautiful children and lead a beautiful life and grow old together. no sparks, no fireworks, Nada.
i could never let myself say these things beforehand just because, i wanted security. i needed that sense of assurance. i would have given up anything to be able to provide for my children and cater to their every needs. i would have given up my ranch, my dogs, seeing the world, falling madly in love and have all my daydreams not come true for the sake of my future children.
is it weird for me to be talking about children? i am 19 after all. but hey, there are lots of teenage mothers out there who became mothers when i was in middle school. i wonder what they think about?
there's a reason why i'm so scared. i, personally, come from a broken family. growing up, i've probably heard about a hundred stories of broken marriages and messed up children. do i ever want that to happen to me? no. growing up, wasn't easy. life was tough in the sense that, nothing you ever do is ever good enough. you were never praised, encouraged and you ARE never put first. it is also the reason why i'm so bloody selfless. because all my life, it has been hammered in me that if everyone else is unhappy, you do not deserve to be happy. it is only when everybody else is happy, then you are entitled to be happy. please don't think i'm trying to praise myself. god, i wish i could be more selfish. but every time i try to be, i let someone down. i make someone sad. and the girl that i was brought up to be shows up again and i would probably give up my life just for anyone or anything, if need be. KILL MYSELF.
i don't mean to sound rude. i don't mean to make anyone feel not good enough but i've been hiding these words for so long, my head is going to seriously explode like an atomic bomb. though i feel it doesn't change anything. when the chance presents itself again and Mr.Could-Be-The-Right-One comes knocking on my door telling me that we could have a beautiful life with blue-eyed(i wish) children together, i don't think i'll hesitate.
what about my dreams then, you may ask? i believe that at the end of the day, the smiles of my possible children will conquer everything else. at the end of the day, i know my children, may they be biologically mine, adopted, mine through surrogacy, WHATEVER; will be worth the fight.
oh and can i share just something really exciting? I KNOW WHAT I WANT TO NAME MY CHILDREN!
i remember 2 years ago, i posted some names up too. but they were something like Keanu and Keira. a very kind gentleman deleted that post so i can't recall but here goes the new names:
1. Callum Martin
2. Calleigh Rosalie
3. Jacob Shane
4. Mikaela Chantal
5. Jayden Keanu
6. Keira Gabrielle
IS IT WRONG FOR ME TO WANT TO HAVE 6 CHILDREN?! i do wish i could.
i'm surprised my mom took it better than i did. here's our whatsapp conversation:
story: my eyes were swollen for some reason that is still unknown.
mum: did you ask your friend?
me: we're really not like that anymore, mum.
sorry, i know you really wanted a guy like him for a son in law.
mum: Han for info I don't care who is this son in law is going to be but must be someone who loves you for you you are
I SWEAR. i felt so helpless. sometimes, she loves me more than i deserve. apparently, both my mum and sis knew it wasn't going to work. to have them tell me, probably made me feel like the biggest failure in the world. everybody is too caught with hurting my feelings. there has to be a way around this.
we were having a good laugh at the dining table during lunch you see. when you're in love with the person, you have to stop yourself from speaking of the flaws. but when you fall out of love, you can call him every ugly name there is in the books. if you think that's what i'm doing, YOU IS WRONG. i won't deny, i still wish i was it for him but i'm not. so why focus on those things that will make me sad and slack when i can just move on? i am strong. i will be strong.
i guess the reason why i haven't cried like i did 2 years ago is because of my sister. last year, all the things that i went through, nobody will ever be able to hurt me the way she did. 2 years ago before i actually knew what pain was, heartbreak was hell for me. but then again, always bear in mind that NO ONE and i mean NO ONE can hurt you as much as your family can. not even your soul mate of the love of your life forever or whatever. i guess i have to thank her in a way. she has made me so untouchable that no heartbreak can break me down. not that i'm encouraging her to go back to that hell of a path again but THANKS SIS!
i want so many things in life. even as we speak, i feel suffocated. i don't know what i want or where do i go from here. sometimes, there are just too many voices ringing in my ear.
however, this is where the title of this post comes in. I'm standing under a white flag. i surrender. i give it all up to the Lord. i know no matter what i say i want to do and what i want to achieve, at the end of the day, it's all in His hands. i can only pray that he will guide me to the right path for only He knows what i need and what i want.
-yawn- it's been a long day of hardcore thinking about all these chingchangwalawalabingbangs. it's time for me to go back and focus on serving the Lord by helping Fr. Paul with this review thingie thing thing.
as a friend of mine put it, FOUR MOAR DAZE YO! i am superdy duper excited!
oh, i've realized that it's been awhile so here:
i'm trying to grow out my fringe. my eyes are swollen for some reason that i seriously have no idea about. i am wearing my PJs. i have put on many many many weight.
I SAID GOOD DAY TO YOU!
it feels like ages ago since i blogged. it probably hasn't been that long but it sure feels like it. anyhow, it's good to be back! though when i do come back, it usually means i don't have nice things to say.
i suck at bottling things up. when i have good news, i can't wait to share my joy with the world. i suppose it's harder with ugly news because i really don't like the sympathy vote. yet, there's really no way around it. i suppose my family will have to know about this soon... i hope it doesn't crush them as hard as it crushed me.
i've got a little time before i have to go on and be busy with church things for the upcoming retreat! i'm seriously darn excited but i can't seem to get my mind off of this and it's really just and itch i can't scratch. hopefully by once again, pouring my heart out here like a noob teenager in love, my mindset will shift back to my priorities and that is: school, university, church, true love, marriage, babies. lol.
-went away for 20minutes to be busy with what i call life: brother with chicken pox (btw, YAY!)-
-recollecting thoughts-
i'm actually really sad. i don't think i can lie and pretend that i'm not anymore. when things don't work out the way you want them to, you can't help it but be sad. the worst part? i could see it. everything. i could see us sitting on our porch, grey-haired, watching our grandchildren running wild in the backyard. i could see myself walking down the aisle, with my entire tear-stained face focused on you at the end of it. i could see myself in an apron, with our children in school, making the best lunch ever, awaiting everyone's return. i could see us arguing and making up because that's what husbands and wives do. i could see it all. i could taste it, almost and i wanted it. i wanted it so bad that it hurt. you gave me that hope. and then you pulled the rug from under my feet.
i probably took everything more seriously than i should have. you know me, i've always been (and always will be, might i say) a melodramatic little twerp. i won't change the way i am. i like being passionate, filled with emotions and sincere all the time. it means that i get happiness in the form of ten folds and sadly, sadness in ten folds too.
i've never banked on anyone as much as i've banked on you. just because you promised me those things nobody has ever dared to promise me before. actually, nobody in this century would dare to promise anyone any of those things. though, we've made it very clear. we were both born in the wrong century.
all those time i spent waiting for you, i focused on our future. i focused on that one little reassurance and promise. i took it all in, i held everything back. it made doing everything else so hard because i was focusing so hard on you and then it hit me. you never really said you loved me. HOW STUPID I WAS TO THINK YOU DID! and how heartbroken i felt afterwards when i waited for you to tell me yesterday night which became more empty promises and false hopes.
i know you're not the slackest person in the world. i said i'd be okay with it. i would have compromised anything for you. be anything, anyway or anyhow you wanted me to be, for you. i loved you despite your flaws. and now i'm thinking, even though you said you weren't ready, was it my flaws that ultimately held you back? was i too fat or not as beautiful or is my ass too small or boobs too flat or what? WHAT?
"even though i'm happy with her, i'm happier knowing that you are willing to do anything to become a good wife and a mother."
i suppose when i read that, that was just basically the biggest slap on the face. we were so caught up with this idea of being good parents. i was so caught up with having babies and you being the wonderful father figure. you were so caught up with having a good wife and a good mother to your children that you began to see me as only that. not someone you're in love with or someone you'd give your life up for but just: Mother of My Children and My Wife. that was never what i wanted. yeah, well sure i wanted that. my goodness, having the idea in my head now just drives me crazy and my legs feel weak but i wanted you to love me. and i wondered if that was so much to ask of you.
you were happy with her. slash that. you Are happy with her. but you'd rather give that up because i make a better mother to your children. that's just not how it works, mate. you've never been able to admit this but you probably already love her. but because you have so many obligations and bonds that you tie yourself to, you can't see it. i was just another play toy you strung around. and the idea of that just killed me. basically.
i know i brought this upon myself. i was the one who initiated this. it was suppose to be as easy as breathing. it was never meant to be this complicated. i don't know where or when but we really went off course and i fell for you like a tonne of bricks, a feeling that i know all too familiar.
yesterday night was the last straw. i realized all this time that i was with you, it has been disappointment after disappointment after disappointment. from the very beginning. i keep letting it go because i loved you. i would put aside all your flaws and pick up where you slack because that's what girlfriends do. that's what good wives do. it's safe to say that my heart is officially broken. and i'll never used the phrase broken beyond repair again because i healed myself for you. i presented you with my heart on a silver platter, patched up nicely with mickey mouse plasters and you just deliberately threw it on the ground and watch it burst into a million pieces and walked away with a grin on your face and her in your arms.
if you ever see this, i wish you all the best for all the plans you have in the future. i don't think i'll ever stop loving you. after all, i saw my entire future with you and i would have given up anything for you. at the end of the day, all i really wanted was for you to reassure me constantly that you loved me. and you just couldn't do it and it wasn't your fault.
i thank you for having the consideration of not hurting me. though, you really shouldn't have given me false hopes and empty promises. i've always pictured us being apart now and together in the future. though, i don't think that'll ever happen. you will find the love of your life one day and she will be the greatest mother and the greatest wife. you will treat her right, okay? OR IMMA CRACK YOUR BALLS!
in spite of the fact that i'm actually really heartbroken, i'm glad this is over. i can now move on with knowing that i gave this my best shot. i gave us my very freaking best shot and it just didn't work.
i sincerely wish you all the best for everything that you will partake on in the future. may the Lord bless you in everything that you do and may you become everything you strive to be.
p/s if you'd like me to say something to your face, please come forward and ask me to and i promise i won't hold anything back.
it was a relationship only my nearest and dearest knew about. it was something i was so protective over. for a while, it was all i thought about, dreamt about, spoke about and breathed about. and then it ended - so abruptly - before i had the chance to redeem myself, before i had the chance to tell him i love him.
this is my final goodbye, to you, 2 years in the making. these past 2 years, i've grown and changed. i've become stronger, more independent, wiser, braver and have done and gone through things i never thought i would have, in my entire life. i'm sure you have too. i'm not asking for anything in return, and i am sorry i'm very outspoken about my hardships but hey, it was these hardships that molded me into the person i am today, even though you don't want this person anymore.
this is my final post about you, should you not care anymore. i'm not threatening you or anything, i've just become more realistic and more practical than i used to be. i should thank you for that, you abandonment taught me many things. as you have, i need to move on. but it doesn't mean i shouldn't dedicate one last post to you. for all the wonderful time and memories you gave me. for everything you've done for me that i never cherished. for showing you how sorry i am to have you leave me. and that i will always remember you, whether if it's okay with you or not.
you know what led you here and this video below is to ensure that you don't get the wrong idea of what i'm trying to say. if you don't ever see this, it's ok too. it has been 2 years after all. but i just want you to know, i meant everything i said. down to the very last word.
with that, i bid you farewell. i really meant it when i said i missed you.
p/s: sorry about the weird accent. i do that whenever i read stuff. sorry :/
it is currently 1.42a.m. same location, same position as yesterday but somehow different feeling. more tired most definitely. and the below paragraphs will tell you why.
there are two things in this world i find therapeutic:
1. driving long distance.
2. blogging.
sometimes when i feel like no one out there will actually truly give a crap about me, i turn to you my most beloved blog. but i guess other times, i just don't know how to tell people. i guess i've just always been better at writing. when it comes to writing, i know i don't leave anything out. i can read and reread and make sure everything i want to say is all there. i guess that's why i love blogging so much. the tap tap tap of the keyboard is soothing for me in some sense. spacebar tap tap. backspace bar tap tap. abcdefg tap tap tap tap tap. i can assure you that i am not attention seeking nor am i asking for your sympathy. it's just the way i feel.
i also enjoy long distance driving. trust me, when you live in brunei especially in kuala belait, the longest distance you'll go on a daily basis is probably a 20 minute drive to seria. i've recently started driving long distance and i cannot begin to explain to you how amazing it feels. sure, you have lots of people complaining how much a hassle it is or how tiring it is but for me, it's really like SHABUYA awesome. sure, right now my ass hurts like crap and i'm really really sleepy but i won't be able to describe the sensation of reflection that happened in that one hour over car ride. on top of it all, it was at night. even better, for me anyways.
as you can see, my title, it rhymes. it doesn't mean much actually but it serves it's purpose - day two without you. i won't say i'm depressed that you didn't reply me. i won't say i'm angry. if you're reading this now, it means you probably read the previous one too and that might have ticked you off. i will say that i am sad because all i ever wanted to do today was just hold your hand while watching Thor. my head couldn't function properly. it couldn't think about anything else but my hand in yours and you shielding me from the scarier parts of the movie. if you don't ever come back here and read this or you've never read this before and still didn't reply me, i guess it's for the better that i let you go.
what i forgot to mention in my previous post was you didn't do inappropriate things to me. despite saying you would, you didn't and god knows i think that's hot. you have to understand that i've been said those things to before and that i was on the verge of being touched and that scary feeling, i will never be able to forget. if you ask me, i'll deny it but the moment when i realized you were the proper gentleman you were, my heart lit up like fire in rain.
i want to love you passionately, if you'll have me. i want to love you with everything i have in me, if you'll have me. i want to be everything you want me to be and more, if you'll have me.
i guess sometimes for a girl to admit that, it's just impossible. i'm not desperate. i won't push myself towards you if the feeling is not mutual. but for me, honesty will always be the best policy and i won't lie about the way i feel.
call it puppy love, call it infatuation, call it whatever you want. i know my heart and my heart longs for you.
but at the end of the day, it wouldn't mean anything if you let my physical appearance come in our way. i'm fat, ugly and there are all these other girls around me who are so much more beautiful and possibly, 'worthy' of you. if you let that get in our way, i will not be able to explain how broken-hearted i'll be but hey, i wish you well.
with this post, if you'll have me, i promise to love you despite our differences. i promise to cherish you through it all. i promise to be by your side when no one else is. come what may, i promise i'll be there holding your hands.
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