je vous vois.

i asked myself if i was ever important to you. if i ever meant anything to you or was i ever ANYTHING at all to you. the answers that ran through my head all came back negative. it is sickening that i think about this everyday. more and more everyday. more and more pain everyday. i couldnt believe i broke down and cried over this. i could have just treated as if i didnt care about you and just moved on. i couldnt and i didnt. "just continue contributing, whi. dont expect anything in return," says my baby. famous last word: easier said than done.

its really tiring. it takes up a big part of my brain and power everyday. it controls my emotions and the way i act around people. i feel like avoiding the world. i feel like just leaving this school in hopes of finding a new place and a new life. tho, that would most likely not happen.

i have to honestly admit that i am nothing but lost now. what am i suppose to do next? where do i go next? where do i stand next? where do i stand in your heart? am i just a piece of shit that you can throw around? a piece of shit that you dont appreciate? a piece of shit that is nothing but a burden to you? great, i am officially a piece of shit. what a great way to continue my life.

i havent been having too much problems recently and maybe i was used to the pampering. now, there is honestly nothing left for me to do than break down in silence. break down in a sense that you would not get hurt while i am expressing myself. the last thing i'd ever want is to hurt you again. though you will most likely never know the pain you have caused me over the time. and in the future, i guess you will never understand either. tho, i dont think i will ever blame you. i blame myself for not being brave enough. i blame myself for being so stupid and blind. i blame myself for loving you too much as a friend. i blame myself for caring too much about you as a friend. i blame myself for even allowing myself for being friends with you in the first place.

"its what happens when you get attached to someone really quickly. the other person would usually not understand, whi." says my other baby. i guess im just fucked up.

i smile to hide the tears away, i smile to prevent myself from thinking too much. music brainwashes me from crying and is my only cure so far.

am i jealous? nah. im actually in a state where i am fully ready to let go. at least thats what you'll see. but will you really really see? that, i dont know.

pain... something i have always been afraid of, yet, its the thing i live with everyday. tears, something i have always hated, yet, they were shed because you not-knowingly hurt me. avoid, something i expect myself to never ever do, yet, not a single gut in me dares to speak out.

i guess imma havta leave it this way for the time being. tho, it feels a little better now that i have said all the things i have wanted to say. i would die with no regrets. i would leave this school with no regrets. i would leave you with no regrets.

maybe i might leave chms. kl has always been my no.1 choice. hurm, will that plan be put into action?i guess we'll all just have to wait and see.

i believe its time i move on. just when i thought my life was back on track, it all falls apart again. GREAT. still, i really think its time i move on. when will i ever move on? i really dont know. i know i will but i just dont know when. i hope its soon, because i cant live in this pain anymore. it wears me out more and more everyday. takes up a little bit of me more and more everyday. eats me up more and more everyday. its tiring. very tiring. i am tired.






its tiring.



very tiring.



very very tiring.






i am tired.