je vous vois.

dear dad,

it's been about a year since i saw you. there are 365 days in a year. of all these days, there wasn't 1 empty day where had gone by where i don't miss you. not a day pass by i don't wish that my family which belonged beside you was perfect... like every other home... like every other happy children...

in these 356 days, 17 days ago was the day that was the only day that was worth remembering. it was the only day that i had to remember or needed to force myself to remember. yet, i couldn't believe 17 days later, today, 20th october, i remembered. i had forgotten to call you, all the way from here, brunei to kuching to wish you my love. i had forgotten to wish you happy birthday...

i forgot what i was doing on the 4th of october. i think i was busy with teacher's day, if i'm not mistaken. you have no idea how ashamed i am to be your daughter now. how ashamed i am to be here writing this. how ashamed i am to know that you'd still love me so much, despite my never ending flaws.

i've never stopped missing you, daddy. how i wish you could kiss my forehead to sleep everynight like you used to. how i wish i could hold you and know that everything was going to be alright. how your laughter would make me feel so lame yet, make me laugh on the inside. how the way you push your hair back with your right hand and make me wanna follow. how you guide me and never ceased to give up on me despite all the hurt that i have caused upon you. how i wish, i could hold you now. right now. right here.

know that it killed me when i remembered that i had forgotten your birthday. how i wished i could have killed myself there and then and be done with it. how hard i am crying now, thinking that you must have been up all night waiting for my call even though in your tone, you said you'd forgotten. how i wish you would have been hard on me and blame me for not calling than say you've forgotten about it yourself. how painful it is now for me. the tears, i can't stop them. the pain, no one can heal them.

know this, dad. i have always been, is now, and always will be your little girl, no matter how old i grow, how tall i am and however big size i become.

also, how i wished you'd been able to read english or know that i have this blog. words, i don't know how to express(i guess i inherited that from mum).



i love you, daddy. always and forever.
happy belated birthday.






whitney. signing out.