today marks the day i lost my hopes and dreams.
i ask myself if i will stand from this fall.
sadly, i'm still at an emotional state and will get back to you in maybe never.
have you ever felt like you were standing over the edge? the forces of nature has pushed you over and you're using every last energy you have left, pushing your fingers to the limits and still, trying to hold on when you know that that something no longer belongs to you. then at the very last moment, the moment where you feel you can finally do it and lift yourself up, you see the faces of devils and satans laughing at you; mocking you. at that point in time you feel like you've lost everything and instead of holding on, you let yourself plunge into the bottom of the ocean; never to resurface again.
it has never failed to surprise me that after living through pain after pain; that feeling never grows old. it still stabs you right when you least expected and stabs you until you feel like you can't breathe. tears overconsume every sane cell you have left in stored and you just wish that a car would run over you and hopefully end this misery. you forget about everything other than the pain. you forget about the people in this world who at all, still love you and you forget about everything that mattered at all to you and you forget the reason you take every breath; the reason you take every step forward and you forget the true meaning of your existance in this cruel, unfair, fucked-up world.
it has never failed to surprise me that the amount of tears hasn't been any less and after living through pain after pain after pain after pain after pain after pain after pain after pain after pain after pain after pain after pain, it still hurts like the first time it did. you start questioning if there were any qualities in your that is worth treasuring. you start wondering if the people who loved you were as much fakers and backstabbers as the people who hurt you. you start building a wall that seperates you from the outside world so that no one can ever enter your zone and hurt you ever again. you start avoiding the people who did this to you and cut ties with anything to do with the reason why you are hurt. you start thinking the world is falling down upon you and then you decide, this is the end of you.
i know in years to come when i look back at this post, i would have forgotten the reason why i wrote this, the incident that happened and the people who did this to me. i want to forget and yet i want to remember. conclusion: i want to avoid.
today marks the first time i am actually crying my eyeballs out as i am blogging.
i ask myself if this will ever happen again.
sadly, i'm still at an emotional state and will get back to you in maybe never.
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