je vous vois.

dear dad,

it's been about a year since i saw you. there are 365 days in a year. of all these days, there wasn't 1 empty day where had gone by where i don't miss you. not a day pass by i don't wish that my family which belonged beside you was perfect... like every other home... like every other happy children...

in these 356 days, 17 days ago was the day that was the only day that was worth remembering. it was the only day that i had to remember or needed to force myself to remember. yet, i couldn't believe 17 days later, today, 20th october, i remembered. i had forgotten to call you, all the way from here, brunei to kuching to wish you my love. i had forgotten to wish you happy birthday...

i forgot what i was doing on the 4th of october. i think i was busy with teacher's day, if i'm not mistaken. you have no idea how ashamed i am to be your daughter now. how ashamed i am to be here writing this. how ashamed i am to know that you'd still love me so much, despite my never ending flaws.

i've never stopped missing you, daddy. how i wish you could kiss my forehead to sleep everynight like you used to. how i wish i could hold you and know that everything was going to be alright. how your laughter would make me feel so lame yet, make me laugh on the inside. how the way you push your hair back with your right hand and make me wanna follow. how you guide me and never ceased to give up on me despite all the hurt that i have caused upon you. how i wish, i could hold you now. right now. right here.

know that it killed me when i remembered that i had forgotten your birthday. how i wished i could have killed myself there and then and be done with it. how hard i am crying now, thinking that you must have been up all night waiting for my call even though in your tone, you said you'd forgotten. how i wish you would have been hard on me and blame me for not calling than say you've forgotten about it yourself. how painful it is now for me. the tears, i can't stop them. the pain, no one can heal them.

know this, dad. i have always been, is now, and always will be your little girl, no matter how old i grow, how tall i am and however big size i become.

also, how i wished you'd been able to read english or know that i have this blog. words, i don't know how to express(i guess i inherited that from mum).



i love you, daddy. always and forever.
happy belated birthday.






whitney. signing out.

i've been awaiting this day for a few days now. i've always thought the layout of my blog was very boring and thus, it took me days to find the perfect header picture and confirm the whole idea in my head and TAA-DAA! new layout~ love it to the core.

the picture was edit-ed by a good friend of mine. what i wanted was totally different but what he/she gave me was extremely over my expectations! i love it! i LOVE it! thanks, buddy :P

i've been a big fan of maroon recently so i decided to make my blog brown/maroon. that's why it was difficult to find the perfect picture to match with the theme i had in mind. but i found it nevertheless! hurray me!

hope this change of the layout may allow dear bloggers who are currently reading my posts to have a clearer or closer feel to me =) i've also enlargen-ed the text for the blind~ hahaha! :P


nothing much tho. have been quite happy recently so nothing much to be emotional about. life is a drama~ but quite boring for me recently =,=






whitney.
life is a hackin' drama.
signing out.

i've been looking through my blog. from the first post to the very last. i love reading it over and over and over again sometimes. it reminds me of how every little things, both ups and downs, have changed me to be the person i am today. every little thing matter. there's no 2nd chance in life. despite the downfalls, i don't regret ever going through them because they only make me more prepared for the future and more ready to embrace failure. <-- sometimes when my emotions take over my consious; yes, those few sentences before are bullcrap.

as of now, i'm fine, actually i'm more than fine. i feel good, light and most importantly, free. i feel free because i have god by my side. someone once told me that god is actually "kiasu". in the terms that he would not let anything bad happen to me and that he will always be there to protect me and win satan. i believe it. every word of it.
lets just say the confirmation kk trip changed me. more that i thought it ever would. i now have learnt to stay close to god. to think about him more than i used to daily. to know that he's the one i'm going to turn to when i need help. when i feel lost and when i can't find anyone to depend on, not even my closest friends, i know i'll have him there and i know he'd always be there waiting. i've learnt to love him more than i thought i ever would. that, my dear friends, is an immaculate feeling. i will never forget the things ive seen, heard and learnt from the kk trip. it will follow me to my grave and be by my side in every aspect of my life as of now.


ENOUGH OF THE SERIOUS TALK!


i suddenly realized, i've never introduced my best companion since a few months ago here! man, i feel so bad... but better late than never, i suppose =)
i was shopping one day and i saw this wall of plushies. to be honest, my whole life, i've never exactly loved or treasured a plushie. a friend of mine suddenly moved me and thus, i found myself looking for a companion. craving for a little plushie to rock me to sleep. my eyes began searching the whole wall. then, i saw this little pink bum bum sticking out from the pile of unsorted plushies below. i pulled it out, call it love at first sight, but yes, i fell in love with him. this hot pink hippo. it didn't look like a girl to me though, or maybe it was because i was never interested in girls? hey! i'm a girl, female! WOMAN! wouldn't it be weird if i were looking for girls? -chills- but yesh, i thought it looked like a male so as i looked into "his" eyes. i instantly decided to name "him" Matthew. not a lot of people know his existance but here i am, introducing him to the world as my other best friend, my best friend at home.



this was taken the day i bought him. apparently matthew's birthday is also the birthday of my other friend =) i still cant believe the first time i've set eyes on this HOT PINK hippo. i hate hot pink, btw. only sue likes it -gaze-



this was matthew doing my commerce arithmatic. thru my hardest homework days, he stuck it all out for me. =P



and this is me "vaining" with my baby. the one and only that i'd hug to sleep. =D
p.s: i was also trying to show off my mini tiger tooth :P

more pictures to be uploaded soon, i guess. sorry it took so long to complete this blog :P paiseh :P






whitney. signing out.

i feel like a complete idiot... was it because i don't act desperate like she does? i don't know. it's obvious i don't have a little of your attention anymore and she has it ALL even now that you're not where we are. whatever... i have nothing to say. you know who you are. you know who she is. if you're smart, you'd know why i feel like a complete idiot. being fooled, thinking that maybe you liked me a little more than her. obviously you don't. so, go. go to her. go on. need a hint, friend? friendster. yes, everything starts with it. EVERYTHING ALWAYS DOES. yes, i sense jealousy in me, thats why i need to emo it out. no, i'm not obssessed with you or as in love with you as she is but now i'm wondering if you lied to me in front of my face for the whole time that i've known you. here's to goodbye for the time being. i don't think i'll be able to face you, the face who once i thought was my friend, a close friend, rather, is now the face of a liar.




i don't know what else to say. i wish i could emo a little more but thats all i could come up with. i really don't wanna curse. it's not good.






whitney. unhappily signing out.

i was in the taxi on the way to kowloon from hong kong disneyland. the taxi driver starts playing My Heart Will Go On - Celine Dion and i go "OH NO!". after that song, M2M started playing and i deliberately felt like ripping all my hair out. not that i didn't like those songs but i really wasn't in the mood for any of that at the moment. so... i began flipping through songs in my ipod. i came to letter T and flipped to the song The Man Who Can't Be Moved - The Script. i forgot when i downloaded this song but i must have thought it was worth listening to even bothering listening.


so i shut my eye...

pressed the middle button on my ipod and leant back to the uncomfortable seat...

i felt this rush of adrenalin and paid attention to each and every word of the song...

i repeated the song over and over again and began to fall in love with it...

if you care, read the lyrics and understand what it means, better yet, give it a listen and understand how i feel...

Going back to the corner where I first saw you,
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag I'm not gonna move,
Got some words on cardboard got your picture in my hand,
Saying if you see this girl can you tell her where I am,
Some try to hand me money they don't understand, I
'm not...broke I'm just a broken hearted man,
I know it makes no sense, but what else can I do,
How can I move on when I'm still in love with you...

Cos if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me,
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be,
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet,
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.

So I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

Policeman says son you can't stay here, I
said there's someone I'm waiting for if it's a day, a month, a year,
Gotta stand my ground even if it rains or snows,
If she changes her mind this is the first place she will go.

Cos if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me,
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be,
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet,
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.

So I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.
I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

People talk about the guy
Who's waiting on a girl...
Oohoohwoo
There are no holes in his shoes
But a big hole in his world...
Hmmmmand

maybe I'll get famous as man who can't be moved,
And maybe you won't mean to but you'll see me on the news,
And you'll come running to the corner...
Cos you'll know it's just for you

I'm the man who can't be moved
I'm the man who can't be moved...

Cos if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me,
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be,
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet,
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.

[Repeat in background]So I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

Going back to the corner where I first saw you,
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag not I'm not gonna move.




whitney.signing out.

when patrick the starfish dumped spongebob squarepants for a java chip whipped cream chocolate syrup frappucino grande =3

whitney. signing out.

it's about 12.53am now and i don't intend to sleep tonight. firstly, i gotta find mooncake pictures for fe, secondly, i gotta find a new friendster background for my friendster profile. third, i need a place to emo out my unhappy feelings.

hmm. i'm still missing fishie. maybe it's just me, but its really rare for me to find TRUE friends that actually stick around. i thought i found one after Ape left but that one had to go somehow too... and now, fishie is leaving too... well technically he's already left... ='(

wow. its 2.46am now. in between that, i was looking for pictures and chatting with fishie. apparently, i was upset becoz of NOTHING. i feel so pathetic and ashamed of feeling the way i did for the whole evening and night. how could i have thought of fishie that way? hmm... i guess it's because it has happened to me too many times and thus, insecurities is inevitable. anyways, fishie and i are back on track! yay! i missed him as a friend so much today. and i know jas did too. we all miss u, fishie. and by the time you read this, plz dun be too bangga! and dun gila cucuk! hahahaha.

like i said above, true friends are hard to find. when you find them, grasp them tight and hold on as long as you can. don't let go because of stupid little things. don't let go because of insecurities.
with that, i feel like a hiporcrit about my previous close friend but sadly, there's no turning back to that one. not to back to where we stopped, at least. there are plenty more fishes in the sea, "they" say. i believe so too. with this, i believe i will find more true friends in the future. friends who are not afraid to depend on you when they're weak and are not afraid to be depended on when you're weak. that's the kind of friend i'm looking for. everything works both ways, i believe. friendships does too. it's what keep a friendship stronger, healthier, better.

that's what me and fe and sue have gone through and are proud of having gone through so many things. ups and downs. all are needed in a friendship but when you fall, you gotta know to get up. you gotta know how to clear up the mess. i think fe and sue have done a really great job keeping this friendship well. we made it through no matter what was being thrown at us. looking back, despite the tears, i'm so proud of what the 3 of us have become today. it's amazing, guys. indescribably amazing.

this is something i got from sue's friendster profile:
hmmm... love laughing over funny n stupid things.... love lazing around... get attached to people very fast... n tend to miss people easily as well....loove doing naughty stuff with my cousins(my 'criminal' partners, haaha)....dun worry i m also sumone whom anyone can talk to seriously....

haha... in more ways than other, we're alike. but it seems, i get attached to people quicker than she does and i miss the people i get attached to ever more easily. don't worry. i am someone you can talk to seriously too... so serious, that i hope my advice to the friends i advice to, make sense.

with her, she gets really attached to anyone really quickly. as for me, it takes time and when i do, there's no stopping me from holding back the things i wanna contribute to this person. thats something i love and hate about myself but oh well... thats just me...

here's something i got from a friend's nic and pm:
how do i say goodbye to someone i never really had? why do my tears fall so endlessly for someone who was never really mine?
why is it i miss someone i was never really with?and why do i love someone whose love was never really mine?

emo isn't it? to me, it's deep and meaningful. i love everything about it. i mean those 4 sentences... as of now, i'm single and happy. but i guess when i do havta go through the rollercoaster ride of falling in love, i'd look back at these 4 sentences and start crying again.
btw, i cry in the showers most of the time. something i think i have to confess.


hais. haven't found myself a pet name though. that sucks. oh well, i didn't really feel this post but since i began, i had to end it properly. nights all. i don't think i'll be sleeping anyways. -3.03am-






whitney. signing out.

seems as if today is SoOoOoOo boring

suddenly i feel this heavy weight sitting on my heart like a big sumo's ass.
could it be because of excess gaming today? hmm. maybe not.
could it be because of boredom? hmm. so so.
could it be because of someone and someone? haha. could be but doubt it. i'm not the type who would be jealous.

anyways. i'm just bored and tired. missing ape(his new name) and fishie.

i've decided to give myself a pet name. to differenciate the real me and the emo me here. i guess it's for the best. i don't wanna confuse this two identities because i dont wanna bring the emo me to the real me who is cheerful and straightforwardly bitchy most of the time :P so... any suggestions? please post some names at shoutout! =D





whitney.signing out.

muahahaha!
well, i didn't have a lot of pics of L, due to the fact that he would always delete it whenever i have any at all and that he'd knew where i hide my things or how i rename them on my lappie. he threatens me to never post them in public places "or else..." his "or else" creeps me out becoz the last time, erm... i'd rather not talk about it. hehe. as for mr.haqim! muakaka! i i've got a few pics of him and thus, i'm posting them! muahahaha! with his permission larh :P he's mr.niceguy2 so i doubt he'll mind. plus, i'm pretty sure he'll be perasan-ing that i treasure him so much! hahaha! so important that got 2 post dedicated to him kaliarh! hais. bo bien, i love that loser (as a friend, nothing more arh jas, dun misunderstand! i still wanna live :P). sadly, he'll be leaving ALL OF US(grrr) on 11th september 2008 7.10pm(as said in his msn pm) for UK to study Sports Science(yeahhhsehhhmannn :P) so here goes: my friend, haqim loser the fish.

that's the first pic i ever took of haqim. we were all sitting at the living room of the game village administration building. suddenly! haqim takes out this devil horns thingie which shined! i couldn't resist so decided to take a picture of him. it was hilarious. i had the time of my life just laughing at him =)

this was the bus ride on our way back to mumong from bandar. i was sitting behind loser and then one of the girls took out this chinese paper in which they had to memorize for a competition. fishie grabbed the paper and started making up his own words. another memory worth remembering and another picture worth taking.

the little furry thing at haqim's shoulders is cynthia's teddy. and ru's hand with her ex-phone. haqim wanted to be a fish even from the beginning. we can't really hide the fact that he LOVES acting cute :P SPARK'D =D

it was during the hari pelanggan thingie. we were all taking down the things from the walls and there was this styrofoam thingie which said "history maker". i forgot who started it but we started sticking it on each other. thus, i got this pic of haqim. i'd love to call this masterpiece: "gaya maker". hahaha it just sounds right. =)

this is basically the last pic i've taken of him. we were at riviera cafe and they just started pulling out their phone cams and taking pics of each other. i joined in the fun and got this shot =) as you can see, haqim was acting cute AGAIN. lol-ness.

friends are friends because they share something wonderful in common

friends are friends because they love each other for who they are and not what they are

friends are friends because there is an invisible bond that binds them together

friends are friends because you know they'll be there for you whenever you need them and vise versa.

friends are friends because no matter what, nothing can tear you apart, not even distance or time.

friends are friends because the friendship only becomes stronger after it has gone through the thickest of the thickest and the thinnest of the thinnest

friends, i've found mine. have you?

whitney.signing out.

hehe. i still won't make a post with his name but yeah, my friend, haqim, will be leaving for UK tomorrow.

save tonight and fight the break of dawn. come tomorrow, tomorrow i'll be gone.

yeah, he'll be gone tomorrow =( though we've been friends for only a few months... say in march or april till now? we've shared some cool memories together like constantly going to training and making fun of each other. psk! gawd i miss those times. interschool when he brought me to the mall and got called a loser for it. the hari pelanggan thingie where we had loads of fun. his bbq where we had even more fun. being there for me at one of my darkest days. farewell dinner steamboat and drinks after that... all seems little but mean so much to me in every single way.

friend. a word i'd rarely use on people. call me racist but i used to hate malays. most people around me should know it was due to a bad experience with an ex-classmate who was HUGE and who was a malay. but after spending time with people like haqim, joe, mizi, red and naz; i've really open up and learnt to embrace their culture and respect it. i am happy to call them my FRIENDS, better yet, GOOD friends.

good friends are hard to find and when you find them, cherish them, hold them tight with your two hands and hang in there as long as you can. sadly, when it is time for them to go, you've gotta loosen your grasp and let them go. everyone wants the best for themselves and as friends, we should always be there to support them. i'm 100% supportive tho it'll be hard to live by.

this is the 2nd time this year that i had to go through this. the first time, i never got the chance to write it down and fill this blog with my sorrows. this time, thank god, i can and i did.

nothing much else to say. just thought it was right to dedicate a post to my pal, haqim. :) i have a feeling he's gonna be really perasan when he sees this :P let's hope he dun too bangga in front of jas! hahahaha :P





whitney. signing out.