je vous vois.

"i try and i try and i try... nobody likes me =("

lolness. my baby bro, justin, said that random sentence from this ducky thingie in tom and jerry which made me giggle to my deathbed. tomorrow is the exams for combined science, it may seem easy for the science class geeks maybe but it's so so for me. i had two days to study and i din use those 2 days. tomorrow is the exam, it is exactly 10.50pm now and i havent started studying. so, if i do fail, i'm proud enough to say i deserve it.

gosh, doesn't my title sound so bloody emo? it's actually lyrics to a song which goes like this:

i cry silently
i cry inside of me
i cry hopelessly
cause' i know i'll never breathe your love again.

ok fine, the lyrics as a whole is emo but u cant blame me, its exactly how i feel =) CORRECTION! it's exactly how i FELT.

bringing myself back to the moment where i was crying. it just struck me so hard that i may never be able to find love. i know i might be a little young to say this but yes, i dont think i'll ever find it.

i sort of regretted, doing what i did, but i did. if i didn't, there would have been a slight possible chance that something good might have happened for us. but at the point, i guess i wasnt thinking rasionally. thinking back, i can still rerun the feelings i had when i made that decision. how much i wanted him to know, how much i wished something would happen.

tho, nothing did, tho, i do regret, what is done is done. i wont go back and flip the previous page and try and erase it with an eraser and rewrite the previous page. i know i cant do that and i wont becoz thinking back, i dont really regret doing what i did. at least he now knows how i feel, tho nothing will ever ever EVER happen anymore.

this sort of also gives me a great chance to write a new chapter. i always do whenever i decide to kick someone outta my life. im not kicking him out but i did invite him outta it. ignoring him as much as i can (tho it hurts), not being around where he is all the time (tho i wanna be) and just literally keeping distance and try to smile without him (tho its so god damn difficult). yesterday, i was able to pull through (tho it hurted like hell). those who were there, guess found it quite unobvious. i'm usually good at hiding my sorrows, especially in front of the lead character and gang so... i'm not worried =) tho, i guess most of you have NO IDEA what im talking about now.

a part of me still finds it comforting that i still have him as a friend i can SORT OF depend on. the other part of me knows its all over and that i should just keep my distance and move on. i'm sticking to the other part and really, really really... start writing a new chapter of my life. a chapter without him and his gang. without the people i love hanging around with... without them... WITHOUT them...

how am i going to do it? simple. there is no reason why we will meet up soon so i guess thats going to be a good chance for me to really cool down... i think? i dont know. lolness.

ACTUALLY... i have no idea what im talking about now... T_T and thats just sad...

to be honest... i wasnt really given much time to recover... it still hurts whenever i think about it and i've noticed that i've not been able to focus at all... i can see myself back to the scene where i was crying alone in desperation for help and yet no help came my way. the tears that ran down my cheeks were heavy and almost blood, shortly, i had only given myself 2 mins to recover from my 20mins of pouring rain and went back inside. that really really sucked, especially when i lived through that horrifying moment alone but what the heck? i know time will heal me soon enough... when that happens, i hope i'll be outta brunei and be at the land down under =)

will i really be able to pick myself up from this downfall? i dont know but as of now, this is my confession, no, i havent recovered. not at all. not a single bit. i may sound or look like i have but i havent and its hurting more and more day by day now that i know theres no reason for me to see him and more the reasons for him to be completely outta my life... wonderful! just wonderful...

i miss his smile, the way he would smile back at me when i throw lame jokes at him.
-DELETE FROM WHII.DATA-
i miss the way he carries himself in a crowd, always the one whom everyone can depend on
-DELETE FROM WHII.DATA-
i miss the first time we met, those little moments we shared
-DELETE FROM WHII.DATA-
lastly, i miss him... everything about him
-DELETE FROM WHII.DATA-

those files are still in the recycling bin. the day i get over him would be the day the rubbish bin will be emptied. so far, its still there. waiting to be deleted...

last week, during coms class. we were suppose to imagine our moment with jesus at your favourite place to be. as some know, a crisis struck me last week and thus i wrote this short paragraph of emo-ness words.

"I felt most at home in the room of a friend of mine. We recently parted ways and there is still an unhealed wound in me. i felt myself floating back to that room, alone. i saw jesus appear by the bed i was laying on, his bed, and jesus' appearance was a blur. i saw myself, with my back facing him, weeping with pain that cease to fade. i saw him putting his hand on my head and he comforted me. he told me that time will heal my wound and he'll be with me every step of the way. it was more than enough. i felt him sitting there for a little longer while i continued to weep. as i felt him leaving, i stood up from the bed and went on my knees, begging him to stay. he looked me in the eyes, took my hands and squeezed them. he smiled and said, "I love you." then, i found myself floating back to this room"

this room = the room i was having my com class in.

just a little something i wanna share with everyone. nothing much. =)

anyways, relli gotta go study now =( will blog soon when something dramastic happens. hahaha :P




whitney. signing out