unbelievable. it's been the best two ordinary days of my life. despite getting unsatisfied marks in my results(i deserved it becoz i din study and i din fail anyways :])
sunday: usually church in the morning. praised the lord for no comm class. got home in the afternoon and continued on maple. went out to steamboat with friends later on that night and had a blast.
DAY 1 OF NORMALITY. it was great. i felt a heavy weight of my shoulders.
firstly, because i got over that special someone :) i've always been trying too hard to forget him but surprisingly, facing him just 1 week later really made me look into his eyes and think, "wow. he really wasn't worth my tears." haha. yup, i'll be woman enough to admit that now, he wasn't worth my tears because he was such a great guy. great guy and also a great friend. and will be nothing more than a friend. someone shy but fun at the same time. someone naive but i believe will be there for me if i needed him at anytime anywhere. so that first and far most 2nd biggest problem in my life... SETTLED. jus like that! amazing :) so sunday, rounded off to a wonderful day.
monday: school in the morning. got back exam papers. were happy with some but also unhappy with others(test papers i mean). finally got a big slap in the face thinking that i have wasted my whole 3rd term on fussing about something that was beyond my control. wrote down all the things i was going to do before leaving for hongkong and is determined to finish as much as i can, day by day.
DAY 2 OF NORMALITY: i met my friend, despite the big comfrontation we had, i felt another weight off my shoulders. in my mind, i always thought i was the spare tyre and i will never be appreciated for all that i have sacrificed for this friend. today, monday, i opened my eyes wide and see, i was making myself the spare tyre. i was so desperate that i didn't ask for anything in return from this friend and i guess this friend just got used to not giving back. when i finally saw that he wasn't really giving back, i flipped and went crazy. today, monday, i opened my eyes wide for the first time and saw that i didn't need this shit. i spent the whole 3rd term thinking about this and today, monday, i was finally able to face this friend and not feel like tearing myself apart in front of this friend. it was one of the most amazing feelings. i don't know where this friend and i will go. which path we will partake in the future but one thing i know, i've gotta stop depending on this friend. stop revolving my life around this friend. stop being so desperate. stop expecting so much because that was the root of all my tears and sorrows. stop wondering if i mattered at all to this friend because i don't need and don't want to know the answer. just stop everything and tell myself everyday that i will make it through without this friend being my life support. i guess i was the way i was because i missed this other friend. thankyou for leaving me this-other-friend. without ur departure, i wouldn't have learnt all this today. i wouldn't be typing this now. i wouldn't have grown and be independent. i need no one. no one is indespensible. everybody will leave you sooner or later. why cry over someone who isn't worth your tears? why cry over someone who wouldn't cry for you? why cry for someone who doesn't understand you the way you want them to? why cry over someone who cries for someone else? it's not worth it. nothing is.
i have made up my mind. to never cry for people not worth my tears. to never be a dumb bitch and live the horrible, suffering, painful life i lived for the past few months. to never ever EVER go back. never ever ever endure that stupidity again. never will i do that ever again.
enough. i had enough of being the dumb bitch. i had enough of being played. i had enough of taking orders from people that have no right to control my life. enough. enough is enough. i am taking control of my own life now. i am in control. i am beautiful the way i am. i am superior. i am me. ME. you see this? I AM ME.
whitney. signing out.
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