bloggy ah, please bear with me for a bit. i know i'm not supposed to be emo. especially not now but i really need to get this off my shoulders before i dive back into my studies. i can't concentrate. i promise to keep it short, bloggy - i have no one else to turn to anymore.
i could smell his breathe in the air
i won't deny he smells good
i won't deny he smells good
yet, nothing he did could move me
nothing he did appealed to me
he was a good looking lad
tall, handsome
sweet most of the time
as he approaches me
i couldn't help but stare back into his eyes
something was off
at least that was what my heart said
something didn't seem to fit
something wasn't right
he wasn't you
i felt he come ever closer
i could have enjoyed the attention while it lasted
i could have been the one
he could have been the one
but something inside of me
ticked off
with all my might i pushed him away
and i ran
i ran from the pain
with tears streaking down my face
in horror, i stared at my hands
it was then it struck me
it was then i realized
i had lost the initiative to love.
nothing he did appealed to me
he was a good looking lad
tall, handsome
sweet most of the time
as he approaches me
i couldn't help but stare back into his eyes
something was off
at least that was what my heart said
something didn't seem to fit
something wasn't right
he wasn't you
i felt he come ever closer
i could have enjoyed the attention while it lasted
i could have been the one
he could have been the one
but something inside of me
ticked off
with all my might i pushed him away
and i ran
i ran from the pain
with tears streaking down my face
in horror, i stared at my hands
it was then it struck me
it was then i realized
i had lost the initiative to love.
i'm no poet and i know if i studied english literature, i'd definately get a F- ( so thank god i didn't study english literature!)
a part of me just sort of died. it's a feeling i can't really explain very well. it just ached till you had to cry and then came nothing but numbness. scary shit honestly. i thought i was losing my mind. i was so exhausted from crying that i forced myself to sleep. i put on a bravado and faced the monsters under my bed in the dark. waking up only in the afternoon, i was surprised to see that i had matured, that little bit. i am proud of myself, you see, but still, nothing drives that ache in my heart away.
10 years from now when i reread this post, i'm sure i would have no idea what i'm taking about. have you read most of my previous posts? most of them are gone. so what would trigger me to remember the meaning of this one? nothing.
i know i promised i won't delete anything, bloggy, but i'm sorry. i guess it just had to be done and i'm so sorry. if i could give up my life to retrieve those posts, i would. but then, it wouldn't change anything.
i'm sorry i'm crying. i know i shouldn't be. i know i promised that i'd be strong. i'm so sorry. i don't know what else to do or say but cry. i'm sorry.
i believe i was a mistake right from the start. that he didn't want me like i thought he did. and maybe regretted from the moment he wanted to go along with it. everything that came after that was just pity for me. and what i wouldn't give to turn back the time and stop myself from it all if i had known that it would be this painful.
i promise this is the first and last post i will write about my situation now. i don't even wanna explain what it is because 10 years from now, i don't wanna remember. i don't wanna remember the pain, bloggy. i'm just so so so tired of crying.
i want to stand tall to get by
now matter how febble my wall may seem to be
if only i could erase my memories
if only i could delete them
i'd like to delete my whole life
and start with a new document
a document
that would have not recognized you
even if i was staring you in the eye.
a part of me just sort of died. it's a feeling i can't really explain very well. it just ached till you had to cry and then came nothing but numbness. scary shit honestly. i thought i was losing my mind. i was so exhausted from crying that i forced myself to sleep. i put on a bravado and faced the monsters under my bed in the dark. waking up only in the afternoon, i was surprised to see that i had matured, that little bit. i am proud of myself, you see, but still, nothing drives that ache in my heart away.
10 years from now when i reread this post, i'm sure i would have no idea what i'm taking about. have you read most of my previous posts? most of them are gone. so what would trigger me to remember the meaning of this one? nothing.
i know i promised i won't delete anything, bloggy, but i'm sorry. i guess it just had to be done and i'm so sorry. if i could give up my life to retrieve those posts, i would. but then, it wouldn't change anything.
i'm sorry i'm crying. i know i shouldn't be. i know i promised that i'd be strong. i'm so sorry. i don't know what else to do or say but cry. i'm sorry.
i believe i was a mistake right from the start. that he didn't want me like i thought he did. and maybe regretted from the moment he wanted to go along with it. everything that came after that was just pity for me. and what i wouldn't give to turn back the time and stop myself from it all if i had known that it would be this painful.
i promise this is the first and last post i will write about my situation now. i don't even wanna explain what it is because 10 years from now, i don't wanna remember. i don't wanna remember the pain, bloggy. i'm just so so so tired of crying.
i want to stand tall to get by
now matter how febble my wall may seem to be
if only i could erase my memories
if only i could delete them
i'd like to delete my whole life
and start with a new document
a document
that would have not recognized you
even if i was staring you in the eye.
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