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Somebody's Rose
a day begins with your face
your photo on my phone
the morning's filled with what you've said
but i'm here alone
oh, and by the way i'm not so sure
that i still believe
this is how it has to be
to make a place for me
the time is never right now
the picture's never bright enough to see clearly
i don't know who you are
the question is
is it true you really want me
i'm lost inside my head
spinning round and back and forth until you tell me
and it's not fair to keep me waiting
hey ugly,
if it's not me you're missing
then let me know, i can take it all
'cause this pain is hurting
i can't hold on
if it's not enough to say how you're feeling
if it's her you love
don't lead me on
'cause i do know one thing
i'm gonna be somebody's rose
in the afternoon i fill my time
with too much to do
just anything to keep me from
thinking of you
oh, and how come you're with someone else
somewhere i can't be
you ask me to believe in you
but do you believe in me
the time is never right now
the picture's never bright enough to see clearly
i don't know who you are
the question is
is it true you really want me
i'm lost inside my head
spinning round and back and forth until you tell me
and it's not fair to keep me waiting
hey ugly
if it's not me you're missing
then let me know, i can take it all
'cause this pain is hurting
i can't hold on
if it's not enough to say how you're feeling
if it's her you love
don't lead me on
'cause i do know one thing
i'm gonna be somebody's rose
i'll be somebody's rose
just say how you're feeling
oh, don't lead me on
if it's her you love
don't lead me on
hey ugly
if it's not me you're missing
then let me know, i can take it all
'cause this pain is hurting
i can't hold on
if it's not enough to say how you're feeling
if it's her you love
don't lead me on
'cause i do know one thing
i'm gonna be somebody's rose.
i'll be somebody's rose
just say how you're feeling
if it's not me you're missing
somebody's rose.
perfected @ 22:59
whii.
in her arms, i found home.
earth to bloggers: ni hao
whenever i look back into my childhood, focusing on the ugly side of my parents' divorce wasn't a good way to grow up. not only that, i also forgot about another important part of my childhood life or rather, another important person.
i remember her walking me to tuition when i was probably 4 or 5? or maybe even younger. then her legs began to fail and i too stopped tuition. i was a rebel. i was told i could sit in tuition for 2 hours and do nothing.
my house in Miri was near MegaHotel. just around the corner to it. she would hold my hand and we'd walk to the Servay building and again so i've been told, she would let me sit the bumper car for hours and spend about RM10 a day. do not forget! i was 4 or 5 or probably even younger.
there was this one time, my mother and father brought me to the old Servay building to shop and i got lost. this, i was about 4 (or less) years old. it was dark and so i ran home. i remember i was scared as i was running but in my head, i just wanted to see her. as she opened the door; in her arms, i found home. my mother spanked me for running away. i don't blame her, she was probably worried sick and that too was the first time i saw my mother cried.
again as so i was told, when i was a baby, small enough to be my in her arms, we were carjacked. i was in the backseat with her, my mom driving and my great grandmother in front. she was the person who held me tight and didn't let me go. so without her, i probably wouldn't be here, writing this here and now.
this wonderwoman, superwoman and inspiration is my grandmother. the mother to my mother. she is too, the reason why i'm a pampered child. she had always been there for me. always strong. always asking if i'm hungry or tired and is the person that celebrates my ever win, big or small.
all my life, i can honestly only remember her laughing, smiling, crying or mad. never in my life have i ever imagined a world without her; her sick, her weak or her dead. just last week, i got a big wake up call from god. not everyone lives forever and if you don't treasure them while they're around, you'll live with that regret for the rest of your life.
there was a point in time last week, i was so certain i was going to lose her. thinking about it, only made me cry like a sore loser. so then i decided, i was going to suck it in and go to the hospital and see her. on the way there, my mom was trying to keep every conversation light and allowed the space to cry once in a while. getting down the car was the hardest part. walking to her room was even harder. i promised myself to cry it all out in the car so that she wouldn't see me like this and lose the motivation to get better. just as i saw her lying on the hospital bed pass the curtains, all the hard work was all wasted. i held her hands and cried like a baby.
i wished, so bad that we were alone. there were so many things i wanted to say to her. things like, how life would be so meaningless without her. how she must get better for me. how she must be strong and watch me get married and have beautiful babies. i'm not asking for a lot. just a few more years. just hold on for a little longer. just for me.
as we speak, she's recovering well. i can't wait to see her again. :)
here's something random :P
if i had a boy, i'd name him Jayden Keanu _.
if i had a girl, i'd name her Keira Rosalie _.
:3
i'm not baby obssessed, just love the names :)
i love my wai po.
she's my biggest fan.
she's my life support.
she's my grandmother.
she's my home.
earth to bloggers: au revoir.
if i could turn back time, i would have never done what i did. if i could, i would apologize, Hans, for whatever i did and if it means anything, i would like to be your friend again.
there are a million things i can think of doing now but yet, i'm here.
earth to bloggers; hello.
after all the pain endured; after all the tears shed; after all the hardship to overcome experienced and after all the time wasted thinking about it, i've finally realized or discovered the source of my pain. expressing it, makes this rock of pain feel like a pebble :)
i remember someone wise once told me: to overcome a problem, find the root of it. maybe the words he used were deeper. i dunno. but yeah, something similar.
being dumped has never been easy. especially when you're the one at the losing end. dumped, as in, by friends you really care about and really have put efforts into them. friends once vowed that we'd be friends forever and look what time has evolved us into.
if i could say this to you, i would say:
why did you think that way? that i'd leave everyone behind and go my own way. you know that only mattered to me. where else would i go if not with you? has it ever occured to you that i would die for you? that to me, you mattered THAT much. you were THAT MUCH a friend to me. and yet, you could abandon me with a click of your finger. have you forgotten that we made a pact? to go through it all together. i haven't forgotten. has lust gotten the best of you? you're not the girl i once knew and cherish or the girl whom i called my best friend. i don't know you anymore, stranger. i know one thing though, i really do miss you.
it's strange how time can change a person. how a person can change another person. how those two persons can put all the assumptions together and assume you the thief. assume you the bad guy.
it has grown to an extent where there's no turning back. and it looks like, you don't miss me at all. even if i had the chance now, i wouldn't know what to do. but, it's stupid. why i'm clinging on to this so desperately. why i'm putting myself through hell when you don't give a fuck shit. and thus, from today onwards, you will mean NOTHING to me as i mean nothing to you. you will be a mere piece of shit to me as that is what you assume me to be, i suppose. call me traitor, but you left me first. you changed first. you never once gave me the opportunity to voice out to this assumptions. how do you propose that makes me feel? to be caught red handed for something you didn't do. worst of worst, you said all those bullshit about me to my boyfriend. how do you think he would have felt? was your intention to make him leave me? smartass, aren't you?
call me a bitch, i really don't fucking care.
after thinking about it for so long, i realized i did the exact same thing to a friend too. why did i do it? i was too fucking blinded. it mattered to me that i had to please you. you know who you are. and if you happen to read this; fuck you.
if i could turn back time, i would have never done what i did. if i could, i would apologize, Hans, for whatever i did and if it means anything, i would like to be your friend again. we had our moment together. i loved your jokes and the way you make me laugh. though, you were a pervert, you were a true friend. to whatever that blinded me from seeing that, i'm a shithead for forgetting what meant the most; our friendship.
to learn is to realize your mistakes. to change is to start anew by amending those mistakes. or in my case, wipe those fucking tears away and rip off the scabs.
i want to change. for the better and for a new life without you and you. a life where you're a speck of dust or a piece of rubbish i'll step around or throw it into the rubbish bin.
earth to bloggers; goodbye.
f3
when was the last time you cried because you felt like it? not because you sprained your ankle or you injured your wrist or simply just had a bruise but rather, just cried out of the mere fact that you felt like it.
it's been a while since i cried because i felt like it. it's been awhile since i was even strong enough to cry. cry not because i was betrayed, hurted, trampled over or misunderstood. cry because it was time to cry. cry because i wanted to. cry because i needed to shed that wall i've been trying ever so shakily to support. cry because i knew it would do me good.
i'm keeping this post short. hiatus was fun but spiritually draining at the same time. i guess blogging was a drug to release everyday stress and when you cut my source, it becomes so tiring and so reluctant to face every day. sometimes, i pray for a good day. sometimes, all i pray for is a day without pain. sometimes, all i want is to genuinely smile. sometimes, i don't get any of it at all.
i have a feeling, i'll be sleeping good tonight. welcome back, whitney.
love xoxo.
i've been predicting the coming of this day for a while now. never would i have imagined that it would have brought me so much joy and motivation.
i sincerely apologize my dear bloggers that i won't be able to load any pictures as of now because all of them are still in my camera.
i knew i was lost. in my deepest despair, there appeared superman and wondergirl; my besties now and forever.
Dear Bloggers;
i'm in a more jolly mood today, i am ONE day away from meeting my all-time favourite badminton player aka Koo Kien Keat and thinking about it just makes me WANNA JUMP TO MY FEET and SCREAMM! wheeee~ =3
i promise, when i get shoots of him, they will be spilled all over here. lets the suspense KILL YOU! -evil grin-
really, i feel much much better today. maybe it was because i have figured out what was bothering me so much. i don't know if i'll be able to finish everything here tho. been kinda lazy and err... distracted? LAWLS. i'm not sure if i'll be able to maple for the next couple of days in KK so i'm pretty sure i'm going to miss my buds; xif, jac and dailou loong =p
i'm pretty sure i'll be out of rehabilitation soon =) do not worry! =D this is probably the first positive post in a long time. i am in a positive state of mind and body now. i am no longer in pain and no long suffering from my addiction. i knew i was lost and i let it kill me. in my deepest despair, there appeared superman and wondergirl; my besties now and forever; xif and jac.
i know they'll always be there for me. with or without maple. they've stuck out there for me, these couple of weeks through thick and thin. i treasure this friendship more than anything and they do too. i love you guys uh! forever and ever! f3
anyways, i guess i'll be flying soon. just here to let all my beloved readers (especially Dan, i'm pretty sure you'd be reading this) that i'm really fine. well, maybe not there yet but i'm really really trying my best to get there. i'm going to be happy this time and i'm not going to let this happiness end.
i know i'll never be abandoned and that i'll always be loved. with or without the people that i really wished understood. its s'okay =) i'm happy and content =)
whitney. FINALLY happily signing out. =D
i never said it was going to be easy to be without you. you used to be a drug to me, something i couldn't live without on a daily basis. still, all drug addicts know that they'll end up in rehab one day. that or death. i'm there now and i'm in high hopes of recovering from you.
i allowed my body and mind the shiver and cry myself entirely yesterday. i guess, that's just how it's like to be a drug addict and go off drugs. the pain, was pretty hard to endure. i knew i was going to make it anyway but i honestly didn't know how. i give credit to myself for making it this far. good job, whitney. -pat myself on the head-
hmm... life without you. gosh, i was never really able to accept it. but, i brought it onto myself so it's the only thing there is to do now.
survival; i'm in rehab. healing myself from you. with your hopes in me, i know i will be able to overcome it.
p.s: this is a dumb post to pass time. maple is repatching. =='
but i did what i had to do and i did it. it was painful but i did it. i knew it was wrong and i still did it. i did it and i knew it'd hurt you but i still did it. i did it and i'm so sorry.
believe me, i'll miss you. i miss the times we shared and the things we've done. i'd miss the dumb jokes we used to make and the your dazzling smile. i'll miss all of it.
i believed it had to be done. to protect you and shield you from me. i bet you knew i was dangerous and still tried to be my friend. i'm sorry i allowed it and caused you pain. i was dumb to have let it get that far. for me to need you so badly and for me to be so selfish of you. i'm sorry.
even though i said it, i would never allow you to make you choose an answer for the ultimatum i set you up for. it would be wrong... and you wouldn't choose me anyways. way to go on boosting the pain.
there was one part where you said something. and i was never able to reach back to that part without crying. so here:
i do know you care for me. but i don't want it to continue because it will only hurt you more. i can't bare that. it's best if i bare it alone than have to pull you down. you have more than enough on your plate and i don't wanna add on. get me?
if you stopped everything last night, i would have really liked it. reason back to top.
thank you for bringing your family to my confirmation. it meant so much to see you there.
i acknowledged every little thing you've done for me. please don't make it sound like i never took notice at all. i have.
i'm not your mess to clean. but i had to do it. i knew it wasn't going to be easy for me to stop depending on you. but i did what i had to do and i did it. it was painful but i did it. i knew it was wrong and i still did it. i did it and i knew it'd hurt you but i still did it. i did it and i'm so sorry.
think from my point of view. how much you actually mean to me and why i'm making you leave me. how painful it will be for me but as long as you're happy, you know, everything will be worth it.
here's to goodbye. be happy. i love you, friend.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
this pain... i can't swallow it. neither can i scream it out without waking my parents up. i'm in bitter pain. save me; kill me. end it; NOW.
what am i to do now? how am i suppose to face you now?
TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
what... what have you done to me?
knock knock knock. can you hear me crying?
i bet it'll be obvious now that my previous posts were all about you. so... if this ruins our friendship, i'm at a point where i can say... whatever.
if you could just open your eyes and understand that i really didn't plan on things to happen the way they did. it's a simple matter, not complicated at all. it's not like we're ready to move in together or that i'm going to lose my virginity or some fucked up shit like that. it's not. but i've already explained that but of course, you took none of it in.
i understand it's not going to be easy and that it's going to take a lot of effort but what i have is determination. if it doesn't work out in the end, i'm just gonna move on. it's not like i've never done it before. i really don't know what you're so worked up about.
like i said, i know your secret and i could have guaranteed that our friendship would not make it through this obstacle if i had blown at you just now. i'm not even sure if our friendship would make it through now...
it's been so long since i've known it and a part of me that loved you as my best bud still can't believe and denies to believe that it's true. yet, there's the other part where it's stupid to not think it's true. it could be just one HUGE misunderstanding but... whatever it is, the damage is already done.
how can you look at me and say those things to me when you're in a relationship with her yourself?
will we make it through this? i don't know. but like you said; whatever.
do whatever makes you happy, friend. whatever makes you happy, makes me happy too. even if it means i can't call you "friend" anymore.
