je vous vois.

i've been predicting the coming of this day for a while now. never would i have imagined that it would have brought me so much joy and motivation.

i knew i was lost. in my deepest despair, there appeared superman and wondergirl; my besties now and forever.


Dear Bloggers;

i'm in a more jolly mood today, i am ONE day away from meeting my all-time favourite badminton player aka Koo Kien Keat and thinking about it just makes me WANNA JUMP TO MY FEET and SCREAMM! wheeee~ =3
i promise, when i get shoots of him, they will be spilled all over here. lets the suspense KILL YOU! -evil grin-



really, i feel much much better today. maybe it was because i have figured out what was bothering me so much. i don't know if i'll be able to finish everything here tho. been kinda lazy and err... distracted? LAWLS. i'm not sure if i'll be able to maple for the next couple of days in KK so i'm pretty sure i'm going to miss my buds; xif, jac and dailou loong =p


i'm pretty sure i'll be out of rehabilitation soon =) do not worry! =D this is probably the first positive post in a long time. i am in a positive state of mind and body now. i am no longer in pain and no long suffering from my addiction. i knew i was lost and i let it kill me. in my deepest despair, there appeared superman and wondergirl; my besties now and forever; xif and jac.

i know they'll always be there for me. with or without maple. they've stuck out there for me, these couple of weeks through thick and thin. i treasure this friendship more than anything and they do too. i love you guys uh! forever and ever! f3

anyways, i guess i'll be flying soon. just here to let all my beloved readers (especially Dan, i'm pretty sure you'd be reading this) that i'm really fine. well, maybe not there yet but i'm really really trying my best to get there. i'm going to be happy this time and i'm not going to let this happiness end.

i know i'll never be abandoned and that i'll always be loved. with or without the people that i really wished understood. its s'okay =) i'm happy and content =)





whitney. FINALLY happily signing out. =D

i never said it was going to be easy to be without you. you used to be a drug to me, something i couldn't live without on a daily basis. still, all drug addicts know that they'll end up in rehab one day. that or death. i'm there now and i'm in high hopes of recovering from you.

i allowed my body and mind the shiver and cry myself entirely yesterday. i guess, that's just how it's like to be a drug addict and go off drugs. the pain, was pretty hard to endure. i knew i was going to make it anyway but i honestly didn't know how. i give credit to myself for making it this far. good job, whitney. -pat myself on the head-

hmm... life without you. gosh, i was never really able to accept it. but, i brought it onto myself so it's the only thing there is to do now.


survival; i'm in rehab. healing myself from you. with your hopes in me, i know i will be able to overcome it.






p.s: this is a dumb post to pass time. maple is repatching. =='

but i did what i had to do and i did it. it was painful but i did it. i knew it was wrong and i still did it. i did it and i knew it'd hurt you but i still did it. i did it and i'm so sorry.


believe me, i'll miss you. i miss the times we shared and the things we've done. i'd miss the dumb jokes we used to make and the your dazzling smile. i'll miss all of it.

i believed it had to be done. to protect you and shield you from me. i bet you knew i was dangerous and still tried to be my friend. i'm sorry i allowed it and caused you pain. i was dumb to have let it get that far. for me to need you so badly and for me to be so selfish of you. i'm sorry.

even though i said it, i would never allow you to make you choose an answer for the ultimatum i set you up for. it would be wrong... and you wouldn't choose me anyways. way to go on boosting the pain.

there was one part where you said something. and i was never able to reach back to that part without crying. so here:
i do know you care for me. but i don't want it to continue because it will only hurt you more. i can't bare that. it's best if i bare it alone than have to pull you down. you have more than enough on your plate and i don't wanna add on. get me?
if you stopped everything last night, i would have really liked it. reason back to top.
thank you for bringing your family to my confirmation. it meant so much to see you there.
i acknowledged every little thing you've done for me. please don't make it sound like i never took notice at all. i have.

i'm not your mess to clean. but i had to do it. i knew it wasn't going to be easy for me to stop depending on you. but i did what i had to do and i did it. it was painful but i did it. i knew it was wrong and i still did it. i did it and i knew it'd hurt you but i still did it. i did it and i'm so sorry.

think from my point of view. how much you actually mean to me and why i'm making you leave me. how painful it will be for me but as long as you're happy, you know, everything will be worth it.



here's to goodbye. be happy. i love you, friend.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this pain... i can't swallow it. neither can i scream it out without waking my parents up. i'm in bitter pain. save me; kill me. end it; NOW.
what am i to do now? how am i suppose to face you now?
TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
what... what have you done to me?





knock knock knock. can you hear me crying?

i bet it'll be obvious now that my previous posts were all about you. so... if this ruins our friendship, i'm at a point where i can say... whatever.


if you could just open your eyes and understand that i really didn't plan on things to happen the way they did. it's a simple matter, not complicated at all. it's not like we're ready to move in together or that i'm going to lose my virginity or some fucked up shit like that. it's not. but i've already explained that but of course, you took none of it in.

i understand it's not going to be easy and that it's going to take a lot of effort but what i have is determination. if it doesn't work out in the end, i'm just gonna move on. it's not like i've never done it before. i really don't know what you're so worked up about.

like i said, i know your secret and i could have guaranteed that our friendship would not make it through this obstacle if i had blown at you just now. i'm not even sure if our friendship would make it through now...

it's been so long since i've known it and a part of me that loved you as my best bud still can't believe and denies to believe that it's true. yet, there's the other part where it's stupid to not think it's true. it could be just one HUGE misunderstanding but... whatever it is, the damage is already done.

how can you look at me and say those things to me when you're in a relationship with her yourself?









will we make it through this? i don't know. but like you said; whatever.

do whatever makes you happy, friend. whatever makes you happy, makes me happy too. even if it means i can't call you "friend" anymore.

personal affection is a luxury you can have only after your enemies are eliminated. until then, everyone you love is a hostage, sapping your courage and corrupting your judements.


it's sad to say. my heart hasn't recovered. a bit maybe, mostly due to time but mostly not. it's 5.15a.m now and it's been 12 hours since i woke up. 5 mins after jac and loong went to sleep. i hate being alone. it's... honestly too much for me to endure.

as my dearly beloved dan said; quote and unquote: If it hurts, just fall down, cry the shyt out. After that, clean yourself up, pick yourself up and live again.
i can't even breathe, i'm at the verge of drowning myself with this pain. how the hell am i suppose to live again?

maybe i'm still in the "just fall down, cry the shyt out" phase. but, i honestly don't know when will i ever move to "clean yourself up, pick yourself up". what more to say to the "and live again."?
dear dan,
i want to. but i just... i just... can't.

i ask myself why allow myself to go through with this crap. so unnecessary. so much a waste of time and energy. i was happy once but, it was, so so long ago. i feel every cell in my body resisting myself from being happy or at least staying that way. i have come to the terms that i am miserable, no matter how much i pretend not to be.

my laughters, my jokes; they will forever and can only be the shield to cover up the true story on the inside. i have obviously never allowed anyone to enter so deep into my live.
and looked what happened when i did? i get this; an unnecessary puncture in my heart.

i know, my dear friend. i am in no rights to have expected you to tell me your secret. but now that i do know of it, not from you but by myself, you have no idea the sleepless nights and the frightful dreams. you no idea the silent tears and the broken soul. i am broken.

i wanted to name this post "phobia", because now, i declare myself afraid of you. afraid of and afraid for you. though again, you'd probably think it's unnecessary. how rasional you are and i'm not because i'm just a "kid".

hear me out on this:
personal affection is a luxury you can have only after your enemies are eliminated. until then, everyone you love is a hostage, sapping your courage and corrupting your judements.

you have taken my love for you as a friend for granted.

it was as if the world was crashing down right in front of me. nothing mattered, nothing could distract me. i was falling apart and i knew it. i knew it and i could do nothing about it.



today wasn't any better than yesterday. i'm so... "unmotivated". my battery adapter died almost instantly just now which thus ends my mapling life. what a better way to kill me faster by taking away the only distraction.

i'm usually a pig. sleeping through the night without dreams or pain in heart. today, i forced myself to sleep at 9, hoping that i'd wake up at 6 and look fresh and bright for my big day tomorrow. i woke up at 12am with a dream i had to cover my mouth to prevent myself from screaming.

the night before was even worse. the dawn of the shock upon receiving the secret. the secret, bound to be only for me to know for the rest of my life. the secret, no one will ever know. thank god, i had jason with me that night. how could i have poured this out to anyone i know here. this secret... boy, it will destroy all our lives. am i honestly going to let that happen? no. chatting with jason made me realize. oh gosh, it took me that long to realize. THIS PAIN. THIS MUTHAFCKING PAIN; is betrayal. i found myself hugging my legs and drowning myself with tears. i found myself shaking, clutching onto myself to prevent myself from losing it. it was as if the world was crashing down right in front of me. nothing mattered, nothing could distract me. i was falling apart and i knew it. i knew it and i could do nothing about it.

the pain hasn't ceased one bit. i still can't breathe. i think i might drown soon. feel free to leave chrysanthemums at my grave. i'll haunt down those who don't.


don't ask me what the secret is. i would rather die a thousand deaths that ruin the peaceful lives that we now live. i will not destroy this peace. i will carry the weight on my shoulders alone.

i walk a lonely road the only one that i have ever know. don't know where it goes but it's only me and i walk alone.

that song has become a comfort. my best friend.



i don't need you understand me. i don't need you to care about me. what you did, will make me hate you for the rest of my life. i so weak, i can't even scream. i'm whispering. i miss you tho. i miss knowing you for the pure and lovable person you used to be.


now when i look at you. and what do i see? hate, betrayal and LIES.





don't try to pity me. nothing will heal me. NOTHING.

i always thought you could trust me. i thought I KNEW YOU! i thought YOU KNEW ME BETTER THAN THAT I WOULD HAVE LEAKED OUT YOUR SECRET! i thought, you understood THAT I WAS YOUR FRIEND.

dear bloggers. it hasn't been a good day. nothing is going right. i can't even maple. which made everything even worse. i believe i will be emo-ing a lot these few days. if you can't take it, feel free to never visit this blog again. hell fuck if i care.


the day started off with a very rough start. i had overslept again, forgetting that i promised my beloved friend, jac, that i would take care of the map. i felt like slapping myself in the face. then, it was time to go to church. singing practise sucked again. it wasn't them tho, it was me. i really suck. really i do.

later on in the evening, i discovered a secret. so dark, so disgusting that if i said it out, it would ruin all our lives. what am i to do now?

all this while, i always thought you could trust me. i thought I KNEW YOU! i thought YOU KNEW ME BETTER THAN THAT I WOULD HAVE LEAKED OUT YOUR SECRET! i thought, you understood THAT I WAS YOUR FRIEND.

i guess i thought wrong. you don't trust me like i thought you did. i guess i really don't know you. i guess YOU DON'T KNOW ME EITHER TO THINK THAT I WOULD HAVE JUDGE YOU BECAUSE OF THE SECRET. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT I DO CARE FOR YOU.

YOU are my best friend. if not the, it's one of them. HOW COULD YOU HAVE HURT ME THIS WAY?! or, did i mau-mau want myself to be hurt. i guess if i confronted you about it, dat's what you'd tell me. i mau-mau.

i guess i'll be what you think i am. i will stop telling you things about myself. i'll stop seeking for you. i'll stop caring for you and your needs. i'll stop trusting you.

i'll avoid you, if that's what you want.

you have pierced my heart, so deep, it's punctured. how? how will i ever recover? i thought i meant something to you, if not a lot, a little did it. your secret has proven that i mean NOTHING to you. i AM nothing.

i'm here to let you know. i know your secret. you know who you are. thanks for being careless, and i'd like to really slap myself now for being busybody. kill myself, rather.

this pain, this bloody pain. i can't breathe. i just can't...



i'm sorry by the time you read this, it might hurt you. TRUST ME, thats one hundredth to what i am feeling now.


i'm hiding a secret. what am i to do now?