personal affection is a luxury you can have only after your enemies are eliminated. until then, everyone you love is a hostage, sapping your courage and corrupting your judements.
it's sad to say. my heart hasn't recovered. a bit maybe, mostly due to time but mostly not. it's 5.15a.m now and it's been 12 hours since i woke up. 5 mins after jac and loong went to sleep. i hate being alone. it's... honestly too much for me to endure.
as my dearly beloved dan said; quote and unquote: If it hurts, just fall down, cry the shyt out. After that, clean yourself up, pick yourself up and live again.
i can't even breathe, i'm at the verge of drowning myself with this pain. how the hell am i suppose to live again?
maybe i'm still in the "just fall down, cry the shyt out" phase. but, i honestly don't know when will i ever move to "clean yourself up, pick yourself up". what more to say to the "and live again."?
dear dan,
i want to. but i just... i just... can't.
i ask myself why allow myself to go through with this crap. so unnecessary. so much a waste of time and energy. i was happy once but, it was, so so long ago. i feel every cell in my body resisting myself from being happy or at least staying that way. i have come to the terms that i am miserable, no matter how much i pretend not to be.
my laughters, my jokes; they will forever and can only be the shield to cover up the true story on the inside. i have obviously never allowed anyone to enter so deep into my live.
and looked what happened when i did? i get this; an unnecessary puncture in my heart.
i know, my dear friend. i am in no rights to have expected you to tell me your secret. but now that i do know of it, not from you but by myself, you have no idea the sleepless nights and the frightful dreams. you no idea the silent tears and the broken soul. i am broken.
i wanted to name this post "phobia", because now, i declare myself afraid of you. afraid of and afraid for you. though again, you'd probably think it's unnecessary. how rasional you are and i'm not because i'm just a "kid".
hear me out on this:
personal affection is a luxury you can have only after your enemies are eliminated. until then, everyone you love is a hostage, sapping your courage and corrupting your judements.
you have taken my love for you as a friend for granted.
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