it was as if the world was crashing down right in front of me. nothing mattered, nothing could distract me. i was falling apart and i knew it. i knew it and i could do nothing about it.
today wasn't any better than yesterday. i'm so... "unmotivated". my battery adapter died almost instantly just now which thus ends my mapling life. what a better way to kill me faster by taking away the only distraction.
i'm usually a pig. sleeping through the night without dreams or pain in heart. today, i forced myself to sleep at 9, hoping that i'd wake up at 6 and look fresh and bright for my big day tomorrow. i woke up at 12am with a dream i had to cover my mouth to prevent myself from screaming.
the night before was even worse. the dawn of the shock upon receiving the secret. the secret, bound to be only for me to know for the rest of my life. the secret, no one will ever know. thank god, i had jason with me that night. how could i have poured this out to anyone i know here. this secret... boy, it will destroy all our lives. am i honestly going to let that happen? no. chatting with jason made me realize. oh gosh, it took me that long to realize. THIS PAIN. THIS MUTHAFCKING PAIN; is betrayal. i found myself hugging my legs and drowning myself with tears. i found myself shaking, clutching onto myself to prevent myself from losing it. it was as if the world was crashing down right in front of me. nothing mattered, nothing could distract me. i was falling apart and i knew it. i knew it and i could do nothing about it.
the pain hasn't ceased one bit. i still can't breathe. i think i might drown soon. feel free to leave chrysanthemums at my grave. i'll haunt down those who don't.
don't ask me what the secret is. i would rather die a thousand deaths that ruin the peaceful lives that we now live. i will not destroy this peace. i will carry the weight on my shoulders alone.
i walk a lonely road the only one that i have ever know. don't know where it goes but it's only me and i walk alone.
that song has become a comfort. my best friend.
i don't need you understand me. i don't need you to care about me. what you did, will make me hate you for the rest of my life. i so weak, i can't even scream. i'm whispering. i miss you tho. i miss knowing you for the pure and lovable person you used to be.
now when i look at you. and what do i see? hate, betrayal and LIES.
don't try to pity me. nothing will heal me. NOTHING.
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