personal affection is a luxury you can have only after your enemies are eliminated. until then, everyone you love is a hostage, sapping your courage and corrupting your judements.
it's sad to say. my heart hasn't recovered. a bit maybe, mostly due to time but mostly not. it's 5.15a.m now and it's been 12 hours since i woke up. 5 mins after jac and loong went to sleep. i hate being alone. it's... honestly too much for me to endure.
as my dearly beloved dan said; quote and unquote: If it hurts, just fall down, cry the shyt out. After that, clean yourself up, pick yourself up and live again.
i can't even breathe, i'm at the verge of drowning myself with this pain. how the hell am i suppose to live again?
maybe i'm still in the "just fall down, cry the shyt out" phase. but, i honestly don't know when will i ever move to "clean yourself up, pick yourself up". what more to say to the "and live again."?
dear dan,
i want to. but i just... i just... can't.
i ask myself why allow myself to go through with this crap. so unnecessary. so much a waste of time and energy. i was happy once but, it was, so so long ago. i feel every cell in my body resisting myself from being happy or at least staying that way. i have come to the terms that i am miserable, no matter how much i pretend not to be.
my laughters, my jokes; they will forever and can only be the shield to cover up the true story on the inside. i have obviously never allowed anyone to enter so deep into my live.
and looked what happened when i did? i get this; an unnecessary puncture in my heart.
i know, my dear friend. i am in no rights to have expected you to tell me your secret. but now that i do know of it, not from you but by myself, you have no idea the sleepless nights and the frightful dreams. you no idea the silent tears and the broken soul. i am broken.
i wanted to name this post "phobia", because now, i declare myself afraid of you. afraid of and afraid for you. though again, you'd probably think it's unnecessary. how rasional you are and i'm not because i'm just a "kid".
hear me out on this:
personal affection is a luxury you can have only after your enemies are eliminated. until then, everyone you love is a hostage, sapping your courage and corrupting your judements.
you have taken my love for you as a friend for granted.
it was as if the world was crashing down right in front of me. nothing mattered, nothing could distract me. i was falling apart and i knew it. i knew it and i could do nothing about it.
today wasn't any better than yesterday. i'm so... "unmotivated". my battery adapter died almost instantly just now which thus ends my mapling life. what a better way to kill me faster by taking away the only distraction.
i'm usually a pig. sleeping through the night without dreams or pain in heart. today, i forced myself to sleep at 9, hoping that i'd wake up at 6 and look fresh and bright for my big day tomorrow. i woke up at 12am with a dream i had to cover my mouth to prevent myself from screaming.
the night before was even worse. the dawn of the shock upon receiving the secret. the secret, bound to be only for me to know for the rest of my life. the secret, no one will ever know. thank god, i had jason with me that night. how could i have poured this out to anyone i know here. this secret... boy, it will destroy all our lives. am i honestly going to let that happen? no. chatting with jason made me realize. oh gosh, it took me that long to realize. THIS PAIN. THIS MUTHAFCKING PAIN; is betrayal. i found myself hugging my legs and drowning myself with tears. i found myself shaking, clutching onto myself to prevent myself from losing it. it was as if the world was crashing down right in front of me. nothing mattered, nothing could distract me. i was falling apart and i knew it. i knew it and i could do nothing about it.
the pain hasn't ceased one bit. i still can't breathe. i think i might drown soon. feel free to leave chrysanthemums at my grave. i'll haunt down those who don't.
don't ask me what the secret is. i would rather die a thousand deaths that ruin the peaceful lives that we now live. i will not destroy this peace. i will carry the weight on my shoulders alone.
i walk a lonely road the only one that i have ever know. don't know where it goes but it's only me and i walk alone.
that song has become a comfort. my best friend.
i don't need you understand me. i don't need you to care about me. what you did, will make me hate you for the rest of my life. i so weak, i can't even scream. i'm whispering. i miss you tho. i miss knowing you for the pure and lovable person you used to be.
now when i look at you. and what do i see? hate, betrayal and LIES.
don't try to pity me. nothing will heal me. NOTHING.
i always thought you could trust me. i thought I KNEW YOU! i thought YOU KNEW ME BETTER THAN THAT I WOULD HAVE LEAKED OUT YOUR SECRET! i thought, you understood THAT I WAS YOUR FRIEND.
dear bloggers. it hasn't been a good day. nothing is going right. i can't even maple. which made everything even worse. i believe i will be emo-ing a lot these few days. if you can't take it, feel free to never visit this blog again. hell fuck if i care.
the day started off with a very rough start. i had overslept again, forgetting that i promised my beloved friend, jac, that i would take care of the map. i felt like slapping myself in the face. then, it was time to go to church. singing practise sucked again. it wasn't them tho, it was me. i really suck. really i do.
later on in the evening, i discovered a secret. so dark, so disgusting that if i said it out, it would ruin all our lives. what am i to do now?
all this while, i always thought you could trust me. i thought I KNEW YOU! i thought YOU KNEW ME BETTER THAN THAT I WOULD HAVE LEAKED OUT YOUR SECRET! i thought, you understood THAT I WAS YOUR FRIEND.
i guess i thought wrong. you don't trust me like i thought you did. i guess i really don't know you. i guess YOU DON'T KNOW ME EITHER TO THINK THAT I WOULD HAVE JUDGE YOU BECAUSE OF THE SECRET. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT I DO CARE FOR YOU.
YOU are my best friend. if not the, it's one of them. HOW COULD YOU HAVE HURT ME THIS WAY?! or, did i mau-mau want myself to be hurt. i guess if i confronted you about it, dat's what you'd tell me. i mau-mau.
i guess i'll be what you think i am. i will stop telling you things about myself. i'll stop seeking for you. i'll stop caring for you and your needs. i'll stop trusting you.
i'll avoid you, if that's what you want.
you have pierced my heart, so deep, it's punctured. how? how will i ever recover? i thought i meant something to you, if not a lot, a little did it. your secret has proven that i mean NOTHING to you. i AM nothing.
i'm here to let you know. i know your secret. you know who you are. thanks for being careless, and i'd like to really slap myself now for being busybody. kill myself, rather.
this pain, this bloody pain. i can't breathe. i just can't...
i'm sorry by the time you read this, it might hurt you. TRUST ME, thats one hundredth to what i am feeling now.
i'm hiding a secret. what am i to do now?
i've been pondering this subject for a week and i have finally decided to let the cat out of the bag. yes, i think i'm in love.
ola bloggers =)
it's been probably around my correct interval to blog. you know me. i only blog when i have something about myself that i'd like to express. recently, so many began blogging. it's chaotic. keeping up in track to see who and who got new blogs or who and who changed their link is tiring but thankfully, i'm not a complainer.
i'm glad. blogging is a thing i enjoy doing alone in my room. away from the busy world and away from noise that may disrupt my mind from concentrating on this hobby. it has become my sanctuary. usually, an hour or two away from the world, we all have known to be cruel. i'm glad that other people, so to say good friends of mine, have also found that sanctuary. may you be blessed with everlasting peace.
for the first time in a long time, i am at peace. life, has become meaningless recently. senseless even. but, i shall not complain for today is a day for an announcement.
i've been pondering this subject for a week and i have finally decided to let the cat out of the bag. yes, i think i'm in love.
what does it mean to be in love?
something, i have never truely understood.
commitments?
something, i've always had been too afraid to make.
marriage?
something, i hope, would only happen in my worst nightmares.
but, all that doesn't involve with if a person or me is being in love or not.
when you're in love, you can look at another man and feel nothing.
no daydreams, no wondering what would have been or what could have been.
no imagining if this happened or that.
no thinking twice on the decision you've made to give yourself to this man.
no looking back and say things like, "urgh! i should have never loved you."
when you love someone, you give your heart, your soul, your mind & your everything. you may not admit when you're reading this but i'm pretty sure you know that your conscience is beating the tibetan drums in your ear. i'm guessing if you, my dear reader is around the age of 12-14, you would have no idea what i am talking about. trust me, you may have heard this a lot, but, i've been there :)
the young me, crave to be in a relationship. to a point of desperation, a guilt i had to admit. the " me" now, just loves to be in love. heck, if no commitments are involved. heck, no plans getting married. being in love feels so good just the way it is.
the way he calls your name, just the way you want to hear it.
the way he touches your hair, just the way you like it.
the way hugs you, so you could feel his warmth.
the way he looks at you, like nothing else in this world ever mattered.
i'm pretty sure, 2 years from now, i will revisit this post and laugh at myself. for loving to be in love so much. by then, i expect myself to think completely different. but, we'll never know. that's just life; unpredictable.
by now, i guess you'd be waiting for me to expose who this "man" is. haha, that's a secret i'll never tell. you know you love me. xoxo. hmm... now where did i heard that bitchy catch phrase from? haha.
whitney. signing out.
in this post, i'd like to introduce everyone to a movie i watched yesterday. how this movie came to me was just fate. here's the details.
ryan gosling
&
rachel mcadams
i wouldn't usually have the patience to wait for ALL the pics to load so you can see how special and close this movie is to my heart.
watch it. you will not regret =D
whitney. signing out.
can you believe it? i found time to blog! i rarely have that kinda time thats why the interval between my posts are so big =S sorry all =D thanks for always staying loyal and checking up this blog whenever you can =D you know who you are even if you never bothered to leave a message at the shoutout ==' doesn't matter! i know that you do check and that you do care, that's all that really matters, right? =]
i remembered myself randomly chatting with daniel one day a few good months ago. and he said hey whi, listen to this new song from chris brown. its totally awesome. i didn't buy it as i was never a big fan of chris brown. no air was alright to me. it's just a very addictive song... at that point in time, fe was the chris brown freak =p
so then during psk with soohung, chinting, xuru, vivian, xinxin, ong, haqim and all others, i decided to give chris brown a go and i was SWEPT OF MY FEET by chris brown with the song entitled:
SUPERHUMAN
HAHAs! it was that bad. i'd bring the song everywhere i go in my phone. even to the showers! soon towards the end of our trip of psk, everybody knew the name of that song.
and then when june hols were over i told fe about it and she DENIED that the song was good. the addiction towards the song died down too sooner or later as i moved on the songs that were in my previous posts.
TO MY SURPRISE! felis navidad started loving the song... MUAHAHA! i own-ed her =P like she owned me for loving her "THUNDER BABYY THUNDER!! EEEEE...." =p
today, 05/11/08, i've once again fallen in love with the song. i mean literally like the first time i gave it a second chance =D especially after seeing the official music video~ oh GAWSH i love Superhuman! =D
give it a go! who knows? you might be the next person to come up to me and tell me you love it too =p
whitney. signing out.
it's been a while since i blogged and i've noticed, september was probably the month i emo-ed the most. whatever, i got over it =) that's a good thing i guess.
i've recently made a new friend! =) his name is kenito aka leechongwei. and yeah, i'm wong mew choo! HAHAs. ok, that was so dry =='. but yes, whitney then who RARELY socializes has made a new friend and she promises to cherish this friendship <-- sounds kinda fake to me =/ HAHAs but yeah, i'm glad i made a new friend and that we share so much in common =) our top priority = BADMINTON! :]
like i said, i haven't been emo-ish recently so there really is nothing to blog about. if you wanted to know how my life is like daily, i guess my blog would be the first blog to be off your list of followups =p
i've recently got a new fav song! yes, the lyrics are very "jiwang"?
i hate this part - pussycat dolls
OMG! PUSSY! HAHAs. don't be yellow. i ain't dirty-minded =x
i love that song~ it reminds me of a lot of things in the past. different things i shared with different people and the things that have helped me become what i am today. i won't bother to lyrics it out for you guys. gr! i know you never read them anyways x]
i had a hard time choosing the title for this post because this post isn't emo or anything. just needed to update it before somebody thought i was dead or something. HAHAs. and thus, i chose linger. a sentence in my new fav song;
" i can't take it any longer, thought that we were stronger
all we do is linger, slipping through my fingers."
my friend, john and i are at better speaking terms =) i like it this way. i've been a while since we last catched up and i think as much as i'd like to be his right hand person, i can't. you always need some time apart from the people you love(as friends =x) and the distance did us good. we can now joke about almost anything. well... ANYTHING would be more like it =p
i've got a joke to share! hope you guys like this one. i got it from Sophia Chin of my class and boy, i laughed my arse out. HAHAHAs.
there were these 3 people: A, B & C
they were captured by red indians
the red indians told them to into the forest to pick up some fruits.
A came back with 3 apples.
the red indians told him to stick it up his "anus" and if he made any expressions, he would be shot down and be in heaven.
so as A stuffed the 2nd apple into his "anus", he couldn't take it and began crying.
BANG! he was shot and he went to heaven.
next, it was B's turn.
he came back with 8 grapes.
as he was stuffing the last grape into his "anus", he began laughing.
BANG! he too was shot and went to heaven.
in heaven, A asked B.
"why did you laugh, B? weren't you almost finish with your last grape?"
B replied, "when i was stuffing the last grape, i looked up and saw C carrying 2 watermelons."
did you get the joke? how are you suppose to stuff watermelons into your ANUS?!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. that really gave me a good laugh.
alright, i guess imma stop now. sorry this post is so random. like i said, i just needed to update it =]
whitney. signing out.
dear dad,
it's been about a year since i saw you. there are 365 days in a year. of all these days, there wasn't 1 empty day where had gone by where i don't miss you. not a day pass by i don't wish that my family which belonged beside you was perfect... like every other home... like every other happy children...
in these 356 days, 17 days ago was the day that was the only day that was worth remembering. it was the only day that i had to remember or needed to force myself to remember. yet, i couldn't believe 17 days later, today, 20th october, i remembered. i had forgotten to call you, all the way from here, brunei to kuching to wish you my love. i had forgotten to wish you happy birthday...
i forgot what i was doing on the 4th of october. i think i was busy with teacher's day, if i'm not mistaken. you have no idea how ashamed i am to be your daughter now. how ashamed i am to be here writing this. how ashamed i am to know that you'd still love me so much, despite my never ending flaws.
i've never stopped missing you, daddy. how i wish you could kiss my forehead to sleep everynight like you used to. how i wish i could hold you and know that everything was going to be alright. how your laughter would make me feel so lame yet, make me laugh on the inside. how the way you push your hair back with your right hand and make me wanna follow. how you guide me and never ceased to give up on me despite all the hurt that i have caused upon you. how i wish, i could hold you now. right now. right here.
know that it killed me when i remembered that i had forgotten your birthday. how i wished i could have killed myself there and then and be done with it. how hard i am crying now, thinking that you must have been up all night waiting for my call even though in your tone, you said you'd forgotten. how i wish you would have been hard on me and blame me for not calling than say you've forgotten about it yourself. how painful it is now for me. the tears, i can't stop them. the pain, no one can heal them.
know this, dad. i have always been, is now, and always will be your little girl, no matter how old i grow, how tall i am and however big size i become.
also, how i wished you'd been able to read english or know that i have this blog. words, i don't know how to express(i guess i inherited that from mum).
i love you, daddy. always and forever.
happy belated birthday.
whitney. signing out.
i've been awaiting this day for a few days now. i've always thought the layout of my blog was very boring and thus, it took me days to find the perfect header picture and confirm the whole idea in my head and TAA-DAA! new layout~ love it to the core.
the picture was edit-ed by a good friend of mine. what i wanted was totally different but what he/she gave me was extremely over my expectations! i love it! i LOVE it! thanks, buddy :P
i've been a big fan of maroon recently so i decided to make my blog brown/maroon. that's why it was difficult to find the perfect picture to match with the theme i had in mind. but i found it nevertheless! hurray me!
hope this change of the layout may allow dear bloggers who are currently reading my posts to have a clearer or closer feel to me =) i've also enlargen-ed the text for the blind~ hahaha! :P
nothing much tho. have been quite happy recently so nothing much to be emotional about. life is a drama~ but quite boring for me recently =,=
whitney.
life is a hackin' drama.
signing out.
i've been looking through my blog. from the first post to the very last. i love reading it over and over and over again sometimes. it reminds me of how every little things, both ups and downs, have changed me to be the person i am today. every little thing matter. there's no 2nd chance in life. despite the downfalls, i don't regret ever going through them because they only make me more prepared for the future and more ready to embrace failure. <-- sometimes when my emotions take over my consious; yes, those few sentences before are bullcrap.
as of now, i'm fine, actually i'm more than fine. i feel good, light and most importantly, free. i feel free because i have god by my side. someone once told me that god is actually "kiasu". in the terms that he would not let anything bad happen to me and that he will always be there to protect me and win satan. i believe it. every word of it.
lets just say the confirmation kk trip changed me. more that i thought it ever would. i now have learnt to stay close to god. to think about him more than i used to daily. to know that he's the one i'm going to turn to when i need help. when i feel lost and when i can't find anyone to depend on, not even my closest friends, i know i'll have him there and i know he'd always be there waiting. i've learnt to love him more than i thought i ever would. that, my dear friends, is an immaculate feeling. i will never forget the things ive seen, heard and learnt from the kk trip. it will follow me to my grave and be by my side in every aspect of my life as of now.
ENOUGH OF THE SERIOUS TALK!
i suddenly realized, i've never introduced my best companion since a few months ago here! man, i feel so bad... but better late than never, i suppose =)
i was shopping one day and i saw this wall of plushies. to be honest, my whole life, i've never exactly loved or treasured a plushie. a friend of mine suddenly moved me and thus, i found myself looking for a companion. craving for a little plushie to rock me to sleep. my eyes began searching the whole wall. then, i saw this little pink bum bum sticking out from the pile of unsorted plushies below. i pulled it out, call it love at first sight, but yes, i fell in love with him. this hot pink hippo. it didn't look like a girl to me though, or maybe it was because i was never interested in girls? hey! i'm a girl, female! WOMAN! wouldn't it be weird if i were looking for girls? -chills- but yesh, i thought it looked like a male so as i looked into "his" eyes. i instantly decided to name "him" Matthew. not a lot of people know his existance but here i am, introducing him to the world as my other best friend, my best friend at home. 
this was taken the day i bought him. apparently matthew's birthday is also the birthday of my other friend =) i still cant believe the first time i've set eyes on this HOT PINK hippo. i hate hot pink, btw. only sue likes it -gaze-.jpg)
this was matthew doing my commerce arithmatic. thru my hardest homework days, he stuck it all out for me. =P.jpg)
and this is me "vaining" with my baby. the one and only that i'd hug to sleep. =D
p.s: i was also trying to show off my mini tiger tooth :P
more pictures to be uploaded soon, i guess. sorry it took so long to complete this blog :P paiseh :P
whitney. signing out.
