i asked myself if i was ever important to you. if i ever meant anything to you or was i ever ANYTHING at all to you. the answers that ran through my head all came back negative. it is sickening that i think about this everyday. more and more everyday. more and more pain everyday. i couldnt believe i broke down and cried over this. i could have just treated as if i didnt care about you and just moved on. i couldnt and i didnt. "just continue contributing, whi. dont expect anything in return," says my baby. famous last word: easier said than done.
its really tiring. it takes up a big part of my brain and power everyday. it controls my emotions and the way i act around people. i feel like avoiding the world. i feel like just leaving this school in hopes of finding a new place and a new life. tho, that would most likely not happen.
i have to honestly admit that i am nothing but lost now. what am i suppose to do next? where do i go next? where do i stand next? where do i stand in your heart? am i just a piece of shit that you can throw around? a piece of shit that you dont appreciate? a piece of shit that is nothing but a burden to you? great, i am officially a piece of shit. what a great way to continue my life.
i havent been having too much problems recently and maybe i was used to the pampering. now, there is honestly nothing left for me to do than break down in silence. break down in a sense that you would not get hurt while i am expressing myself. the last thing i'd ever want is to hurt you again. though you will most likely never know the pain you have caused me over the time. and in the future, i guess you will never understand either. tho, i dont think i will ever blame you. i blame myself for not being brave enough. i blame myself for being so stupid and blind. i blame myself for loving you too much as a friend. i blame myself for caring too much about you as a friend. i blame myself for even allowing myself for being friends with you in the first place.
"its what happens when you get attached to someone really quickly. the other person would usually not understand, whi." says my other baby. i guess im just fucked up.
i smile to hide the tears away, i smile to prevent myself from thinking too much. music brainwashes me from crying and is my only cure so far.
am i jealous? nah. im actually in a state where i am fully ready to let go. at least thats what you'll see. but will you really really see? that, i dont know.
pain... something i have always been afraid of, yet, its the thing i live with everyday. tears, something i have always hated, yet, they were shed because you not-knowingly hurt me. avoid, something i expect myself to never ever do, yet, not a single gut in me dares to speak out.
i guess imma havta leave it this way for the time being. tho, it feels a little better now that i have said all the things i have wanted to say. i would die with no regrets. i would leave this school with no regrets. i would leave you with no regrets.
maybe i might leave chms. kl has always been my no.1 choice. hurm, will that plan be put into action?i guess we'll all just have to wait and see.
i believe its time i move on. just when i thought my life was back on track, it all falls apart again. GREAT. still, i really think its time i move on. when will i ever move on? i really dont know. i know i will but i just dont know when. i hope its soon, because i cant live in this pain anymore. it wears me out more and more everyday. takes up a little bit of me more and more everyday. eats me up more and more everyday. its tiring. very tiring. i am tired.
its tiring.
very tiring.
very very tiring.
i am tired.
i have a feeling this is going to be a long blog so stop now if you are not prepared for a long one. anyways, just got back from dinner with friends. sushi was great =) had a really rough night. had fun and had un-fun times. still, i enjoyed myself and it has been a while since i have felt so relaxed. certain things have been going on in my life, some, im not exactly ready to share at the moment nor am i ready to start pin pointing names. so, maybe i'll say it all out in 5 years to come. feel free to wait. it's like me waiting for shahid kapoor's milenge milenge. 4 years in the making man. WALAO. nothing much interesting happened today. even if it did, i doubt i'd be comfortable enough to write it all here. feel free to add me in whitneyutsuko.sk@hotmail.com and ask me there =D
anyway, the LORHS and the LARHS and the indian accent have come to haunt me! kaka.
i have been saying "sorry loh. thank you loh. no cure loh. whatever loh. die loh. not funny loh" too much recently! kinda got it from ong. but she's kinda high pitch while i'm low =)
the indian accent is fun, especially because it annoys people =)
the larhs? erm... i dont say "lah" that much anymore. its kinda of: funny meh?
THAT REALLY ANNOYS PEOPLE. and its FUN. =)
anyways, (notice i say too much "anyways") i was looking through my mid term test papers and found my english 1 paper. COMPOSITION. my fav *hearts*
The Most Unforgettable Person I Have Ever Met
“Han, my princess. Good morning! Time to get up now.”
How I wish I could hear his voice again. How I wish I could see that face again. Those wrinkled little eyes and that sunshine smile…
He was my best friend, dated back to when I was a little girl. He woke me up in the morning, made me breakfast in bed, made sure I brushed my teeth and made my bed for me instead. Made sure that there was Physical Education in my time table that day and that I was in the right uniform and walked me to school in slow paces as his knees were never strong. Always greeted me with a smile when I ran home from school and gave me his big bear hugs that the warmth, I seized myself to forget too. Made sure lunch was as for a queen and tuck me in for good afternoon naps with a kiss on my forehead and nothing less than that.
Not a day went by without him in my childhood life. As I grew older, he too, was there to guide me through it all. I learnt all my life lessons from him. He taught me how to be a person with confidence and perseverance. He taught me right from wrong, good from bad and true from false. He was the father figure I never had and it was stuck that way for quite a while.
He was the man who protected me from the evil planet my parents live in. He would cover my ears and he would sing. He knew he couldn’t sing but for the sake of making me happy, he did and it was the medicine to scare my tears away. He was the man who understood everything that was going on but still chose to think positive about it and led me in that direction too. He was my life support. As a child, I couldn’t imagine a day without him. He was the man who made sure that everything was going to be ok. He made sure that I was going to be safe.
As I again grew a little older, boys started entering my life, tearing my heart into pieces and left me there to cry. He was the man who mended those pieces back together and wiped my tears away. He was the man who let me cry by his shoulders when my father wasn’t there. He was my everything and I’m pretty sure I was his. Nothing could separate this man and I except for something that we had long foreseen.
He was getting old. He could no long give me piggyback rides and he could no longer dance and jump around in front of the TV/ there were even days that I had to hold him so that he could walk and move around. He was a weak man, getting weaker and weaker by the day and yet, he still kept his head held high and smiled like a chocolate fool, nevertheless.
It was my turn to be the parent. I dedicated my full attention to him, in gratitude of the person that he has brought me up to be. To look back on it now, there was never a day where he complained about death. He knew “it” was coming. In the last days of his life, I remembered him telling me everything I needed to know to sustain a wonderful relationship with my husband in the future and he told me that I shouldn’t be mad at my parents as it wasn’t their fault that their marriage had fail. In the last days of his life, I remembered myself crying by his bedside praying that God won’t take this guardian angel away from me. I remember his touch upon my cheek that day and it was as if he assured me that he would be there for me forever. And yes, I was assured.
He died peacefully in his sleep on one fateful Saturday morning. His hands were touching mine as I slept by his bedside…
Today, I am a mother to two beautiful daughters and a wife to the world’s most loving husband and through this all, I felt like he was the force that kept me going this far. He was the force that brought me to where I am today in life. I will continue his life’s work. I will teach my children all that he had taught me and more. My children will know that their mummy is who she is today because of their great-grandfather. They will never forget it and I will always make sure that they don’t.
We still visit his grave once in a while. Pulling out weeds and sweeping its surrounding. It is also the time where my family bonds in his presence and with a little breeze upon my cheek; I know he is watching over me.
“I love you grandpa. Not a day has passed that I don’t miss your silly jokes and your big bear hugs. P.S. I love you.”
The most unforgettable character I have ever met… my grandfather.
(859 words)
it's one of my favs and it was written not long after me fe sue watched PS I LOVE YOU together. =) so in that exam, me and fe had "PS I LOVEYOU" in it! waka =D
insomnia strike is gone. i'm tired~ haha. more compositions coming up i hope, if i can find them.
NOTE: i did not change a single word in my composition. dont believe? come to me and ask me for proof. =)
love you guys loads. missing unagi now. GR. shut up, tummy~ hahaha!
whitney. signing out
