i've always asked for death. seems suicidal and stupid but yes, i have constantly asked to be met face to face with death. yet, i never got it.
what i didn't know was, it was trying to catch me off guard. catch me when i feel like i wanted to live. i want to live. i don't want to die.
if i don't come home to you, if i don't make it - know that you still have my heart. keep it safe for me while i'm gone.
know that i love you and i never wanted to be parted from you. ever.
know that i was never mad at you and i forgave you for whatever you did in a heartbeat.
know that i'm sorry. for whatever i did wrong. for whatever that happened between us. for not being strong enough. for not being good enough. for not being enough as a whole for you.
know that it killed me when you left. and just as i thought i died from being apart from you, it may actually happen now. and i might not ever get the chance to see you and touch your face.
a part of me hopes you'll never come here again. i don't want you to see me like this. i'm not asking anything in return. i just... don't want to leave with regrets and leave words unspoken.
if i don't make it home to you, forget me - the way you're handling so well now.
if i don't come back, know that no matter where i'll be, i'll be watching over you; protecting you - the way i always wanted to.
i love you.
goodbye, kk.
this post goes out to my dearly beloved Ah Jay PoPo :D
thank you for being there when i needed a shoulder to lean on. you were fab. sometimes, in life, i'm thankful i have friends like you to constantly remind me that i can't do things alone. and that sometimes, i do need friends to pull me up when i fall down and hurt myself.
thank you. and hahaha! you requested for this so please say thank you to me too ;) and, hehehe! even though you're not a woman, i'm glad you let me call you PoPo ;D
i'm just going to keep this post super simple because
- firstly, i am VERY TIRED.
- secondly, i am VERY VERY TIRED.
- thirdly, i am VERY VERY VERY TIRED.
- fourthly, my nails are super nice and super long (will upload photos when i actually have time)
- fifthly, i still have a lot of shit to do (e.g: inventory, final report, etc etc)
- sixthly, i haven't sat down in a few good hours (until an hour ago where i bubble bathed and finished Harry Potter 7 (2nd time reading it))
i'm quite proud of myself these few days. i'm not exactly one who is good as a leader as sometimes, i abuse the power - there, i admit it. i'm not good at handling shits because, sometimes i just really don't give a fuck - there, i admit it. i'm not exactly good at taking charge because sometimes, i'm just so afraid that people might get mad at me and hate me, there - i said it.
but these few days, i've been doing what i thought it was I-M-Possible (credits to mr.pillowtalk for teaching me this word) for me to do. i performed as a leader and insist on my opinions. i handled shit and overcame them smoothly. i conquered my fears and just did things the way i saw fit - taking responsible when i have to - and say NO when i have to because i had every right to say so.
so yeah, short and simple. this post is to commemorate me becoming a little bit more mature. not shying away from responsibilities but embracing, overcoming and conquering them.
nevertheless, i have to thank quite a number of people who have stuck with me, through and through.
- Ashvin, Sue, Fe - for really sticking there with me, through all the rough patches and smooth sailings, i love you guys. ash, thank you for everything. god, i don't even know where to begin. you are amazing - really. i wouldn't have been able to get anything started without you. your ideas and contributions is all over my department. without you, really, i would have been nothing. thank you, you have thought me so much and from you, i have learnt SO MUCH. your patience and understanding with me - i am truly touched and honoured to be able to work with you for these couple of days, they have been amazing. fe and sue, my girls! thank you, for being my constant morale support and constant cheer-uppers. without the both of you, i wouldn't be the person i am today. righteous and FINALLY, responsible. my love for you both are beyond words, you know that. i pray and hope you do! i love you girls. truly, completely - i do.
- Huiting, Wayne - for your wonderful ideas and contributions to the food department, i appreciate them to the core :) bearing with me when i insist on certain things and helping me figure out the budget, thank you dudes. you guys are awesome!
- Sophia, Jody, Khenghuan, Crystal - for your patience and cooperation with me. i wouldn't have been able to do my job right as a leader without such great people like you guys. OLEH CHENDOL! :D
- the boys who helped me carry stuffs (like junze, kok kin, nuraini's bro, yekjun to name a few) - thank you. i sincerely thank all you boys for helping me in carrying the things here and there and everywhere. bearing with my clumsiness of getting some stuff wrong and still carrying the things when all i did was run around supervising. thank you boys! all the things in the hall wouldn't have been where they were if it werent for YOU!
Nuraini for your help with MWord2007 - thank you, girl. i needed the program list done so urgently and you came to my rescue.
Mr.Cyril for short but great morale support - hahaha, i have a feeling imma need more and more of your help in the day to come so yeah, say thank you first :P
last but not least, Mr. Pillowtalk - thanks for your +0.5 :) i really needed it because without it, it would have been a really bad day for me with loads of arguments and obstacles. you made it so much better by being the CUTE and PEDO-like sun for 30mins (or less, i think?) i needed it. THANK YOU!
COME ON, CHMS-ians! ALL our hard work will be put to the test tomorrow! LET US SHINE LIKE NEVER BEFORE! LET US CONQUER AND OVERCOME!
morning
got up at around 7 and quickly prepared for school. oh, the reason why i needed to go to school was, i needed to receive a prize :) a few months ago, we had this commerce poster-making project thing. despite the fact that i was supposed to do it with fe and sue, i ended up doing it alone for some reason. i specifically remembered that i wanted to join some other group but they were too in deep the project that it would have been wrong for me to cut in. so, i ended up spending loads of colour ink and not too much time in finishing the project myself. i wasn't expecting any prize, i didn't even think it was a competition. i just knew that i had to get it done because it was going to cost me marks. well who would have guess i got first place?! quite happy about it. definately a pleasant surprise :)
went breakfast after that and managed to not think about the date at all. guh-reat!
afternoon
nothing much happened here because i slept throughout the afternoon :X managed to wake up only at 4-ish where i sluggishly decided to accompany my family in going to bandar to watch the Barracudas play against the Thailand Tigers. i wasn't really hyped about it. oh yeah, the only reason why my family is actually so sporting about this ABL thing is because, my step-brother is one of the players in the Barracudas. i, of course, am a loyal fan of the Slingers through and through but because they weren't playing, it was only right to root for the Barracudas. i AM living in Brunei, aren't i?
throughout the trip to Bandar, i drowned myself in music. i didn't even go close to thinking about the date today because i was nervous the whole time. the Singapore Slingers were playing against Satria Muda BritAma when i was on my way up to Bandar and i had to keep using my stupid DSTInternet to go facebook and check the score. freaked me out man seriously.
end of 1st quarter : Satria Muda BritAma 19 - 14 Singapore Slingers
end of 2nd quarter : Satria Muda BritAma 30 - 25 Singapore Slingers
*i only saw the score of the second quarter. totally was like twitching in my seat. i wanted to get up and shout and scream for the slingers but i of course couldn't do that with dad in the car. i was so nervous and scared for the slingers. haha, i know i sound very silly but -shrugs- i'm just a loyal fan -smirk- hahaha.
end of 3rd quarter : Satria Muda BritAma 45 - 43 Singapore Slingers
*i began to ease a bit. the slingers scored more than satria despite still deficit by 2 points. it gave me a little hope that the slingers would pull through. was still tense and scared irregardless.
end of 4th quarter : Satria Muda BritAma 59 - 61 Singapore Slingers
*OMGOSH! if i could, i would have jumped up and down and scream like i just don't care. apparently the star of the show was Marcus Ng and Hong WeiJian. good job, boys! up next is KL Dragons, i think. shouldn't be too hard so GORENG them ahhh! :D
had dinner and sluggishly continue into the Barracudas game without much enthusiasm because as long as the Slingers won, i was cool :P
night
ok ok, i know i said i wouldn't get excited about the Barracudas game but i just couldn't help myself. towards the end, i was totally blending with the crowd and shouting until my lungs gave out. honestly, it was an awesome feeling because the previous time i was in the stadium, i couldn't cheer for the Slingers in fear the i might get beaten up for not supporting the home crowd :X luckily also, the win for the Barracudas was spectacular. although loads of mistakes were made, as so far from what i saw, the Barracudas performed beautifully especially in the last quarter - like the Slingers :) if i lose my voice tomorrow, it would be totally worth it (Y)
end of 1st quarter : Brunei Barracudas 25 - 24 Thailand Tigers
end of 2nd quarter : Brunei Barracudas 43 - 55 Thailand Tigers
end of 3rd quarter : Brunei Barracudas 65 - 73 Thailand Tigers
end of 4th quarter : Brunei Barracudas 91 - 86 Thailand Tigers
scream and shouted, clapped and cheered, cursed and sweared and it was alllll worth it in the end! :D
although today was supposed to be a dark day for me, i'm glad God made it better by allowing all these silver linings to lighten up my day. i am ever so greatful. today was an eventful day indeed. hopefully, happy shit will continue to fly around and prevent me from thinking too much. hiding is the only way to go now and if distractions is what i need, then it's going to keep me going as long as possible.
once again,
today was a good day, indeed. and now i can go to bed in peace :)
i laid in bed - twisting and turning. despite the pain, i couldn't bring myself to sleep. i felt the tire drag me under and a part of me actually wished my lids would snap shut and take me away to my sanctuary where i felt safe and sane - my dreams . still, here i am after my unsuccessful attempt at trying to throw up the contents of my dinner and then i realized, it's the 14th of November.
PMS is a crappy thing. it's why i wish i was a man. i've never really had this problem before, well, mostly because i was very sports active. now that i've sort of semi given up on sports, the pain is extremely overwhelming. sorry boys, i know this topic is going to make you winch and squirm but hahaha, you're going to have to face it when you have wives and daughters so might as well start man-ing up now!
like i said, i went to bed without the intention of sleeping. i had a good read of breaking dawn for an hour an a bit i suppose. throughout that hour, i twisted and turned to ease the pain. other than that, i piled pillows on my tummy. i guess it didn't help that the AC in my room were 16deg and blasting but the pain managed to subside under my warm palm - i was relieved that the pain was gone. like always, i spoke too soon and the pain came twisting back.
after a while, it felt good that sleep was creeping on me. i happily put breaking dawn aside and cuddled up in double blankets with a big pillow and bolster across my tummy. i subconciously wished MattyPoo goodnight and tagged along the drowsiness. just when i thought i would sleep, i began to feel the nausea out of nowhere. i tried so hard to ignore it - not willing to surrender to weakness, i guess - and twisted and turned again in my blanket. i drifted, in and out of sleep. towards the end, when i was absolutely certain that lying there wasn't going to bring me under, i pulled the white flag out and forced myself to vomit out. unsucessful at the first few attempts but luckily towards the end, i managed to rid a tenth of my dinner earlier on and it made me feel a tad better. the worst part about the relief effect of throwing up is the aftermath. the bile taste in your mouth is just absolutely wreck. i washed my mouth for a good five times before stepping out the bathroom. note: being outspoken about throwing up doesn't mean i'm bulimic! i just ate something wrong or something. idk.
as i began descending down the stairs. i knew something was wrong. i was waiting for something bad to hit me. i was insanely searching for a reason to be here. i needed to be here. i went fiddling along facebook and country story. then, subconsciously, my cursor scrolled to the time on the right bottom corner of your screen and then it hit me like a big yellow bus - it was that time of month again.
like PMS, today give me a grinding feeling but that only takes effect in my heart. it makes me feel like i'm always short of breath and i'd have to take shallow breaths to control my heart rate. it feels worse now that it's only 2 hours into today and i have another 22 hours to go. damnit.
a few days ago, i began dreaming the impossible by wondering what would i do if you came crawling back. in a heartbeat, i concluded that i would not think twice and take you back. ha ha, i know it's a joke and i'm lying to myself by being delusional but, i guess i'm stupid enough to say that i'm not as strong as mr.pillowtalk. i can't shove that drawer shut and pretend like it doesn't hurt. it's a feeling that creeps around me every second of the day and it surprises me when i least expect it. what else was i suppose to do with this feeling? shout it out the everyone and tell them to go look for him? ridiculous. i know it's stupid to still be writhing here when he's probably moved on. i'm happy for him, i truly am. still, a part of me - the part of me that always believed we were perfect for each other - keeps convincing me the keep hoping and believing the impossible. like everything else that revolves around this part of me, i follow blindly - letting it lead me to nowhere. love is very blind, or so they say. i won't deny that now. for someone who thought she was actually smart, i realized that i am irrevocably stupid.
'i don't mind it, i don't mind at all. it's like you're the swing set and i'm the kid that falls. the way we fight, the times i cried. we come to blows, but everynight, the passion's there so it's gotta be right. right?
no, i don't believe you. when you say you don't come around here no more. i won't remind you, you said we wouldn't be apart.
no i don't believe you. when you say you don't need me anymore. so don't pretend to, not love me at all.
i don't mind it, i still don't mind at all. it's like one of those bad dreams when you can't wake up. it's looks like you've given up, you've had enough. but i want more, no i won't stop. because i just know, you'll come around. right?
no, i don't believe you. when you say you don't come around here no more. i won't remind you, you said we wouldn't be apart.
no i don't believe you. when you say you don't need me anymore. so don't pretend to, not love me at all.
just don't stand there and watch me fall. because i, because i still don't mind at all.
it's like the way we fight, the times i cried. we come to blows, but everynight, the passion's there so it's gotta be right. right?
no, i don't believe you. when you say you don't come around here no more. i won't remind you, you said we wouldn't be apart.
no i don't believe you. when you say you don't need me anymore. so don't pretend to, not love me at all.
i don't believe you.'
i forgot who i promised... i think it was mr.pillowtalk that i would show him my medals.
(whispers to mr.pillowtalk ; you right? O_O )
anyhoo! i'd like to show them off irregardless :) of all the medals the most 'gikdao' ones are the basketball and javelin one. explain later :P
p.s: sorry for the excessive use of emoticons. i'm just quite proud of my medals :) sure i know they're not international medals or anything but hey, nobody in my family is actually atlethic so :D
14 in total :) not bad lah in the span of 3 years :)they are all my babies - my sweat and blood.
shortputt :) something i picked up only last year. did pretty well in the IAAF i think. others just so-so.
i joined this 3 years ago. got exposure from the first year itself :) got silver for 2nd year which was quite disappointing because everybody was rooting for 2 golds from me (including shortputt) but ah wells, at least i got a medal at all :)
got this only this year :) i attempted javelin last year actually. i did SOOO bad that i was in tears towards the end. don't worry, i did not like break down and sob in front of everyone. i just went to the corner and slowly cried myself. crying helped because it gave me the motivation and the determination to gold my shortputt, in which i did last year :)
this medal is a very funny one. i didn't even play :x HAHAHAHA! i wasn't even there. i think i was but only as a bloody cheerleader. trust me, if i played, there wouldn't even be a medal. i am THAT bad in basketball. no worries, i made do with badminton :)
and here is my prized collection :) the golds are singles play and silver and bronze are doubles. i won my first medal in form 1 (bronze). all others were from two years ago, last year and this year. i actually also have two interschool trophies in which belong to the school so sorry, couldn't take pictures of 'em. oh, for other competitions, they just gave me like two or three roles of shuttlecock so nothing to take there :P i've always loved badminton and will continue to play it in the future if and when i go overseas. although i have sort of diverted into watching a lot of basketball recently (mostly due to the slingers. hahaha), i still love badminton. it brought me a lot of problems and from these problems, i've learn to mature and overcome. hopefully no more of shit next time when i dive back into it. i just want to love badminton for what it is and all the things and people that go with it can suck it. lol. (p.s: the suck it part is only for some people. not all not all :P i've met some really cool people too. eg: my ex-coach :D )that's all for today folks! i know i was supposed to be studying but somehow i can't bring myself to :(
as i am being pushed over the edge again, i can't stop these tears. i feel the ground crumbling and i'm slipping into nothingness. i thought you would have been there to save me so i fought it and i fought hard. then i realized, i was in this alone and as i grabbed nothing but thin air, i was finally faced with your absense after 3 months.
i lost you 3 months ago and now, i stand here - on the verge of losing everything i have and everything i love. i just want to rip my heart out right now and tell myself to numb it. i can't take this pain. i just can't.
i slammed the door behind me this evening and sat on my bed sobbing. i sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and i couldn't stop. i craved for a shoulder to cry on. your shoulder. then i realized, i no longer had any claim over you and i began to sob even harder.
i'm sorry i'm just not the social butterfly you guys want me to be. i'm sorry i'm such a pessimist and i'm always so negative. i'm sorry i always act like i don't care when i do deep down inside. i'm sorry i'm not the perfect first daughter and i'm not the perfect sister nor the perfect friend and most definately not the perfect partner. i'm sorry for all the things left unsaid and they will remain to be unsaid as of right now and in the future. i'm sorry i always look like a golddigger because i only talk to you when i need to. i'm sorry for the reason i even exist at all in the first place and cause so much pain to everyone around me. i'm sorry and what i wouldn't give to ease everyone's pain and leave it in god's hand. please stop punishing the people i love, god. have mercy on them and rid me. i am the problem. i am the cancer. i am the disease that brings chaos to the people i love. and i know god is playing a joke on everyone i love right now, but hopefully he will stop soon. i'll make him promise, cross my heart.
till then, please bear with him and don't be mad at him for keeping me here and making everyone suffer. i'm sorry. i'll make him take me away and release you soon enough. i promise.
i watched the way he looked at her. strike that, look is such an understatement. the way he STARED at her - full of regret. i'll bet all the money i have that he was thinking of all the things that would have been if he had never done what he did a year ago.
i wonder how he felt - watching her shine the way she did. it wasn't hard to tell, too, that she was more animated than she needed to be in front of him. did he see pass that? did he see pass all that pretense and see that she was actually shouting for him to be standing by her side?
i believe everybody makes mistakes. what's important is, we have to learn from our mistakes and as much as possible, never offend them again. but once you have made a mistake, the species of the human may forgive but for sure, they will never forget. would it be right for us to give him the green light if he asked for one? should we trust ourselves to forgive him, give him another shot at happiness with her and guarantee that it will work this time? we can't guarantee, so does that mean we should rule out ever giving him another chance if he had come begging for one? for the sake of her lonely heart? for the sake of their child?
no denial here that in every separation, the children are the victim. i know that because i was and still am a victim. the child will grow up and not have either one parent around when the other is. the parent that isn't able to be around most of the time will try his/her best to shower the child with gifts and such to make up for not being around. sure, it'll make the child happy but did you know, sometimes, just sometimes, all a child ever wants is a happy family.
so back to what i was talking about on top. should we? should we allow him back into her life and possibly watch him leave again and watch her cry because of the decision we have made. no doubt, i could taste it in the air that he felt ashamed to be around us just now. if the female's father wasn't such a calm man, i could actually see him spitting at him for the things that he had done to her. all the pain he had caused her. all the tears she had cried for him. all those time wasted when she could have been actually happy.
but he is only human. we are all only humans. we can never predict the future, we can only plan and avoid. does that mean we should condemn him to a life eternally forbidden to love her? by condemning him, we are also condemning the child from the chance of having a family that is whole.
we'll never learn to treasure what we have until we lose it.
i wonder if he had learnt that lesson and learnt it hard when he saw her today.
i wonder if my father had learnt it as well when he saw my mother.
but no matter what i wonder, it will never change anything.
who was i to even DREAM about an actually happy ending.
might as well tell myself to fuck off because a happy ending is like watching the sun rise from the west.
so,
fuck off, whitney.
continue to dream as you like but you know better than anyone, a happy ending will never happen for you.
period.
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would have work out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die
I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you now I can't stop
I want you to know
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
But someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone
Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you wanna cry
It started with the perfect kiss then
We could feel the poison set in
"Perfect" couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go
I want you to know
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
But someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone
Ahhh already gone, already gone, already gone
Ahhh already gone, already gone, already gone
Remember all the tings we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
I want you to know
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
But someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone
i've been feeling this way for days.
it's not a good feeling - at all.
i wonder why i feel this way sometimes but i can't really seem to grasp the words.
i know this sounds crazy but - have you ever tried putting a laptop on your chest while you're lying down? after a while, the heat makes you feel like you can't breathe and it hurts. after a while, it's only instinct to remove the laptop or put it on top of a pillow - hoping the heat would lessen due to the pillow being in between. i guess that's the best way to describe what i'm feeling right now. it's a weird way to describe it, yeah, but - it's really the only way i can think of, as of now.
i remember subconsciously scribbling his name in my school books. after a while, friends got used to it and ignored me when i did. i scribbled his name in different fonts, sizes and styles. like i said, it was like an instinct - subconsciously, he was always on my mind. maybe the biggest problem was, i didn't let him know enough. it wasn't always difficult for me to conjure happy endings with him. and, maybe it was because so, it only makes it that much harder to let go. when i don't think about it, it's becomes less of an annoyance nowadays. i can go on half a day without thinking about it. then again, i go about spoiling the progress i made by thinking something stupid like 'i really loved him'.
it's like a big rock sitting on top of my heart. when i remain still, i don't feel it bothering me. but when i try to move, it hurts like hell. i'm struggling. even with adrenalin, i can't seem to move this big rock. trust me, it's not that i don't want to, it's just that i can't. the most ridiculous part about this is, i compare every guy i meet with him.
he doesn't have tiger teeth.
he doesn't have that accent.
he's not into engineering.
he's not from the same country.
he's too hardcore.
we don't crack the same jokes.
we don't laugh at the same jokes.
we're not always on the same page.
yada. yada. yada.
i always manage to come up with excuses for me to not fall for another guy.
and having said that out loud, it really is a big load off my shoulders.
i've been trying so god damn hard to forget. to erase everything. but as i looked at his scribbled name all over my books, i realize, i haven't been trying at all - i've only been avoiding. it really amazing that i'm still here - haven't moving one inch. i guess the best word to describe this situation is, i've only found distractions.
i vow to change. i realize that this isn't healthy - not moving on. he has. he doesn't want me anymore - truly, i believe that. the most agonizing part is (i guess is also the reason why i'm still holding on) he has completely thrown everything out the garbage bin. and how he managed to do that, is and always will be a mystery to me. then again, i am but a human. i will try my best irregardless, otherwise, i can see myself being consumed by this and end up killing myself. sometimes i feel maybe that's probably the best solution too - take the load off everyone i burden.
till then, i'll be cringing onto my eraser - preparing myself for the day i move on and erase all his names on my books.
