je vous vois.

honestly i don't know why i'm here so bear with me.

okay well, i might as well get straight to the point.

i don't believe in love anymore.

for now.

if you know me, as in really know me, or if you're an avid follower of this blog - which i hope you're not because that would mean you have somewhat no life - you'll know that i'm a die hard fan of love. i love the idea of being in love. i love love. i want to get married, have a husband who loves me and cares for me and i want children, as many as i can have.

but yesterday, something happened. something that shook my entire perception on life as i led it. why the fuck do i give so much fuck? why should i care for assholes who don't remember my name by the end of the night? why do i become sad, cry and want to die because of bastards who do not deserve my love? W?H?Y?

it is safe to say that i am done with love. for now. i keep saying 'for now' because, i still do believe in love. i still believe that there is someone somewhere out there made especially for me. but i am not going to go looking for him anymore. he has to come find me. i am not going to go around comparing one guy to the other thinking that he might be THE ONE anymore. i am not going to go knocking on each door and asking: "hey, is the love of my life in here?" anymore. i am done holding on to invisible, unnecessary feelings that's going to get me nowhere but pain and heartache.

from this point on, whatever happens, happens. for the first time in my life, i am actually fine with my single status. and for the first time, i think it's best that it remains this way. i need to learn to love myself before i can allow anyone to love me.

today has been tiring and yet somewhat interesting. it would have made my day yesterday but today, it just couldn't touch me. i have proven to myself that i am really done with love for the time being. hopefully, i can keep this up.

there are better things to do in life than to worry if he loves you back or not when you clearly know he doesn't. i've hard to learn that the hard way and i'm glad it's all over and done with. on the other hand, it doesn't mean i'll stop listening to sad or sappy songs though. let it be made clear that my taste in music has now no relevance to my love life at all. BELIEVE ME.

okay, i'm seriously running out of things to say.

whatever it is, fuck love. i have already erased marriage and kids from my brain's hard disk and i don't intend to create a new folder on that until someone actually does come along and tell me that they'd very much like to spend the rest of their lives with me. all 9 of them.

so yeah, fuck love. leave if you really want to.

p/s. sorry for this stupid post. i'm really falling asleep and i'm actually really uninspired now that i'm not heartbroken (HAHA). forgive me! i just had to say what i could before i push the laptop aside and go to bed.

Dear John,

How have you been? Boy, I have missed you so. I can't believe it's been years since I last heard your voice or saw your face. I miss you. More than I'll ever let myself show.

Can you believe it? I met someone just like you. He was kind, funny, tall, handsome, genuine, sweet, caring and everything else that you were. His head is filled with random information, he is warm and calm, he is everything you were and more. Sorry, but it's true. He looked at me like I was the only girl in the world. He smiled at me as if I owned it. As if his smile belonged to me. He was everything you were and more. Take note of the past tense.

John, if you ever get tired of reading this, I suggest you stop. But even if you do, I am going to write to you anyways. At times like these, I just don't know who else to turn to anymore. And how I wish, I could turn to you for comfort. But I have no idea where you are or what you are doing. Nevertheless, I wish you well.

I fell so hard, so fast, John. I swear, I didn't mean to. What I accomplished with you in a month, I accomplished with him in a week. At the end of the week, the feeling was so overwhelming, it took my breath away. In the past, I always compared the boys who I was interested in to you. If they were smarter than you or crazier than you. If they made me feel as warm as you did or if they made me feel the way you still sometimes do. He made me felt that way and more.

I hope you're happy that I've moved on from you. However, it ended before it even began. He can't be with me, John. And now, he doesn't want to be. It's my fault. Again. I want to punch myself and claw my heart out for making the same mistake. It's as if I never learnt. I'm so stupid.

Something happened today. Something that made me completely disconnect myself from the world. Trust me, I have tried being optimistic about it. About being left behind because he is now into another friend. About being maybe, we might still stand a chance with whatever little time we have. But no, John. Not after today.

I want to cry the way I did when we broke up. But I can't. The pain has gone beyond tears and I am at a point where I feel like the only thing left to do is to claw my heart out and dump it in a trashcan somewhere. At times as these, I wish you were here to hold my hand and tell me that it's all going to be okay. At times as these, I wish you were my best friend again.

I can't stop thinking about him. As hard as I try. He is in my every train of thought, haunting me, killing me alive. I want to be strong. And I wish I was stronger. But I also understand that this will take time and isolation.

I wish I could show you how much he means to me and the lengths I would go to for him. But now that it is all over, there really isn't a need to anymore. I love him, John. I just wish he knew how much.

It has occurred to me that this is just a vacation to him and I am just some local desperate girl, desperate for love and affection. But I won't change the way I am. I have always been passionate, loud, proud, strong and stubborn. You know that better than I do. Though I think, it's time that I do change. Because I have a feeling if I continue like this, I might seriously end up forever alone. I don't know what you want for me but that is most definitely what I do not want for myself.