je vous vois.

i remember a long time ago, i wrote something chinese-y on my blog. wait, i didn't post it on my blog, it was just some email. it was probably the last time i cleaned my email (making a mental note to clean it later) too. there was this email for me that had chinese and english in it. i wonder if i'll be able to trace it back after having to not look into for months and months but yes, there were some chinese in that email and i remember, laugh out loud, making you read it aloud for me. i wonder if i remembered it wrongly but i knew you were extremely embarressed. i also remember that was probably one of the first time i thought you were so adorable. and that how at the every start of the day, when i woke up to your voice or the notes you left, i fall in love with you all over again.

today was a down day for me. i'm all out of tears and i'm all but lost. i can't believe after so long, it still hurts to talk about you. and when i said i missed you, that would probably be a wrong statement because even if i don't realize it, subconciously, i still miss you - everyday.

i still hope you don't come around. you don't need to see me like this. and if you do come around, i hope the chinese creeps you out and you'll decide to close instead of reading on.

despite having loads of thoughts in mind and loads of things i wish i could say but can't, i come here now with nothing to say. and this sentence is typed after backspacing 6 sentences that i have come up with and that i'm not happy with.

anyways, today is just crappy. despite work being crappy, everything else that goes with today is crappy. crap T_T

i was sitting on a chair, no, a log. i was sitting on something. i couldn't remember what it was. all i could feel was my heart beating - faster and faster as if it was going to fall right out of my chest if it could. something about the people around me made me excitedly suspicious. it was as if something good was coming, something i'd always wanted. so okay, i'm sorry to say i forgot most of the beginning parts but there was one part i would never, hopefully ever, forget. a colleague said something out loud and barked out a mocking laughter. i shied away because i knew it was about me for some reason and then i saw him piercing his eyes through mine. i remained where i was. for a moment, i thought i was made of stone because i couldn't move. i felt short of breath as if i was anticipating something. calm-before-the-storm-like. and then, there were more laughters. it seemed clearer to me - my surroundings. if i'm not mistaken, we were sitting somewhere in a forest where their roots and branches were benches or we were sitting somewhere with pillars high enough for him to be sitting a distance away from me but higher up. like i said, i don't remember all the specifics but before you know it, he flashed his beautiful smile and walked towards me. i felt everyone around me go still and myself standing up as if something really good was finally going to happen. something good was finally going to happen to me. from out of the blue, he reached from his back, a ring, and got down to one knee - asking for what i think he thinks i think he is asking for. i felt myself saying oh my gosh, completely flushing and his name. it was then i realized, my dream had been in black and white until the moment he pulled out the ring and the blue diamond in the centre shone like there was no tomorrow.

AND THEN I FUCKING WOKE UP! -.-

it was such an awesome dream. a proposal, something in real life, i would have almost never accepted if it was coming from the wrong person. after waking up and going to the toilet to wash up, it struck me that i never got to say yes to the man of my dreams - as much as i wanted to. dang it! -cries-

i'm glad it was a dream. first and far most, i will never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever reveal the identity of this man of my dreams. haha, yeah, he was someone i knew, and recently grew quite fond of because he had one of those to die for grin-smug-smile :3 and second of all, i would have never said yes in real life. i have maritalphobia and i'm not afraid to admit it :D

so that was my morning coffee. God has been nice to me and i'm grateful. for 30mins or so, i allowed myself to drift into the world of make believe and day dream his beautiful grin. i'm such a bloody sucker for dudes with nice smiles -_-

and i did say that my dream was in black and white until i saw the ring. that much was true. i even reseached for the god damn ring and godddd it's so beautiful~

a beauty isn't it? it looked exactly like this but the blue diamond was even more rectanglar. i wonder how much it would cost to get one $_$

***********************

the rest of my day was basically filled with work that really stresses and drains me out at the end of the day.

and at the end of the day, i don't know if i should thank or blame my auntie for allowing me to talk to her but i got so fucked up emotional that i cried like shit for a good half hour. i really don't feel like elaborating this point because now that i have vividly explained to you my dream, i can't stop smiling like a jerk -.-

good day all, tomorrow - because of work, is going to be another god damn crappy day -.-

it took me awhile to be able to step away from the door and watch daddy drive her away. but alas, i had to hide the facade and close the door because i knew, i had to be strong, despite whatever outcome might come out of this. i needed to be strong for the people that i can protect within my capabilities.

i wish i could apologize everything i start to raise my voice against my mom, but i can't. she is probably one of the few people in this world who can bring me to tears in seconds, though i admit, it's not too hard to get me to cry. i don't approve of what she is about to put herself through. i can't even think straight because what she is about to do is not within my control. and being the control freak i am, i hate not being in control.

i wish i could have have at least hugged her and let my guards down before she left. and i am cringing on to dear life hoping that my sister does not wake up the next minute and see me like this. i need to be strong. i need to be firm and in control - for my siblings, the people that i would have to give my life up for, should anything happen to my mom that would be beyond my control.

i know i have the tendency to think to much. so much that usually, i'm just scaring myself for no god be damned reason. yet, i can't stop myself from doing just so. preparation is key. always keep yourself mentally prepared and know what to expect - i guess that had always been silently my life's motto. what happens when you are faced with situations that are beyond your control? in my case, i suffer a nervous breakdown and just cry my god damned eyeballs out. but now, knowing that i have people to protect and people to care for, i can't be the weak on. i NEED to be in control.

i want my mom back. i want to be the kid i used to be and just hug her because i could. and i can't stop myself from crying because i don't know how to get pass that ego and tell her that i love her. and that i wish i could be there for her but i can't because she needs me to take care of my younger siblings. in order not to fail her, i have to sacrifice my chance of being with her...
i want to be with her now... holding her hands or at least just sit by her hospital bed and chat.

my brother needs not know this. he thinks mommy is at work. which makes it even harder for me to hide because everytime i think about what i can't predict and can't prepare myself for, i fall apart.

how am i going to get through tonight and tomorrow until i know she gets out of the operation room safe and in one piece? i do not know.

but God, if you see this. if you're there - watch over her for me, will you please? although i don't admit it or i don't show it, i need her - more than my life.

and in these desperate times, i can't stop myself from thinking of you and craving your comfort. till then, i'll be missing you.

i don't know if i really have a title for this post. if you do see a title later on, i must have probably thought about it after i wrote this sentence.


i hate quiet days at work. it just becomes... too quiet. especially because the management team aren't here today, it gives me even more space and excuse to daydream or go blank.

why couldn't i have fallen in love with someone with a less common name? maybe something like Barabas or Xenophilius or Wentworth? why did it have to be such a common name? why did it have to be so common that every time i start searching for information in the system, i see it. and everytime i do, again and again, it burns a whole in my already broken heart. and i have to go through the hurt and the pain and the tears over and over again. why?

oh, i almost forgot, Happy New Year everyone. i'm not a big fan of today. to me, it's like every other day, just with a more notable date. my resolution? i didn't really think of one either. as of this moment, i'm just trying to get by day by day. the last time i asked for the day was actually a week ago, so you can see how i'm sort of enjoying and not enjoying work at the same time. whatever, this really isn't a topic i feel comfortable talking about. in my head, they're more like little pictures instead of words so unless you can find a way to go into my head, good luck trying to figure me out.

sometimes, just sometimes, i wish i was dead. or maybe, have my memories wipe clean and start anew. suffering like this is not fun. and i seem to have nobody who understands why i am in this shithole for life. how i can't love another. how i can't move on. how i'm in this till the day i die. despite saying that i would be okay if he moved on, i know deep down inside, i wouldn't be. thinking about it, i feel myself plunging back into the depths of despair. and then i realize, i was never really out of it - no matter how i convince myself that i am.

i had so many good stuff happening in my life. for some reason, the motivation never really is strong enough for me to be here. maybe it's because happiness can be shared and when doubled, it makes the world a better place. but despair, who would want to share despair? who would be strong enough to take despair? not alot of people, i'd say.

so if you know what's good for you, don't visit here again. the only reason i come here is to prevent myself from sharing my despair with other people so that they won't have to feel the way i do.

hence, if you know what's good for you - stay away.

i'd really like a piece of his mind. and god, how much i missed it. how close i was to not being able to stop myself from hanging up the phone with his voice on the other line. how much it hurts to be away. and then, it hits me like a tonne of bricks. whitney, he doesn't want you anymore. so wake the fuck up. WAKE THE FUCK UP!
that's right. he's not mine anymore.
no, not anymore.