"i try and i try and i try... nobody likes me =("
lolness. my baby bro, justin, said that random sentence from this ducky thingie in tom and jerry which made me giggle to my deathbed. tomorrow is the exams for combined science, it may seem easy for the science class geeks maybe but it's so so for me. i had two days to study and i din use those 2 days. tomorrow is the exam, it is exactly 10.50pm now and i havent started studying. so, if i do fail, i'm proud enough to say i deserve it.
gosh, doesn't my title sound so bloody emo? it's actually lyrics to a song which goes like this:
i cry silently
i cry inside of me
i cry hopelessly
cause' i know i'll never breathe your love again.
ok fine, the lyrics as a whole is emo but u cant blame me, its exactly how i feel =) CORRECTION! it's exactly how i FELT.
bringing myself back to the moment where i was crying. it just struck me so hard that i may never be able to find love. i know i might be a little young to say this but yes, i dont think i'll ever find it.
i sort of regretted, doing what i did, but i did. if i didn't, there would have been a slight possible chance that something good might have happened for us. but at the point, i guess i wasnt thinking rasionally. thinking back, i can still rerun the feelings i had when i made that decision. how much i wanted him to know, how much i wished something would happen.
tho, nothing did, tho, i do regret, what is done is done. i wont go back and flip the previous page and try and erase it with an eraser and rewrite the previous page. i know i cant do that and i wont becoz thinking back, i dont really regret doing what i did. at least he now knows how i feel, tho nothing will ever ever EVER happen anymore.
this sort of also gives me a great chance to write a new chapter. i always do whenever i decide to kick someone outta my life. im not kicking him out but i did invite him outta it. ignoring him as much as i can (tho it hurts), not being around where he is all the time (tho i wanna be) and just literally keeping distance and try to smile without him (tho its so god damn difficult). yesterday, i was able to pull through (tho it hurted like hell). those who were there, guess found it quite unobvious. i'm usually good at hiding my sorrows, especially in front of the lead character and gang so... i'm not worried =) tho, i guess most of you have NO IDEA what im talking about now.
a part of me still finds it comforting that i still have him as a friend i can SORT OF depend on. the other part of me knows its all over and that i should just keep my distance and move on. i'm sticking to the other part and really, really really... start writing a new chapter of my life. a chapter without him and his gang. without the people i love hanging around with... without them... WITHOUT them...
how am i going to do it? simple. there is no reason why we will meet up soon so i guess thats going to be a good chance for me to really cool down... i think? i dont know. lolness.
ACTUALLY... i have no idea what im talking about now... T_T and thats just sad...
to be honest... i wasnt really given much time to recover... it still hurts whenever i think about it and i've noticed that i've not been able to focus at all... i can see myself back to the scene where i was crying alone in desperation for help and yet no help came my way. the tears that ran down my cheeks were heavy and almost blood, shortly, i had only given myself 2 mins to recover from my 20mins of pouring rain and went back inside. that really really sucked, especially when i lived through that horrifying moment alone but what the heck? i know time will heal me soon enough... when that happens, i hope i'll be outta brunei and be at the land down under =)
will i really be able to pick myself up from this downfall? i dont know but as of now, this is my confession, no, i havent recovered. not at all. not a single bit. i may sound or look like i have but i havent and its hurting more and more day by day now that i know theres no reason for me to see him and more the reasons for him to be completely outta my life... wonderful! just wonderful...
i miss his smile, the way he would smile back at me when i throw lame jokes at him.
-DELETE FROM WHII.DATA-
i miss the way he carries himself in a crowd, always the one whom everyone can depend on
-DELETE FROM WHII.DATA-
i miss the first time we met, those little moments we shared
-DELETE FROM WHII.DATA-
lastly, i miss him... everything about him
-DELETE FROM WHII.DATA-
those files are still in the recycling bin. the day i get over him would be the day the rubbish bin will be emptied. so far, its still there. waiting to be deleted...
last week, during coms class. we were suppose to imagine our moment with jesus at your favourite place to be. as some know, a crisis struck me last week and thus i wrote this short paragraph of emo-ness words.
"I felt most at home in the room of a friend of mine. We recently parted ways and there is still an unhealed wound in me. i felt myself floating back to that room, alone. i saw jesus appear by the bed i was laying on, his bed, and jesus' appearance was a blur. i saw myself, with my back facing him, weeping with pain that cease to fade. i saw him putting his hand on my head and he comforted me. he told me that time will heal my wound and he'll be with me every step of the way. it was more than enough. i felt him sitting there for a little longer while i continued to weep. as i felt him leaving, i stood up from the bed and went on my knees, begging him to stay. he looked me in the eyes, took my hands and squeezed them. he smiled and said, "I love you." then, i found myself floating back to this room"
this room = the room i was having my com class in.
just a little something i wanna share with everyone. nothing much. =)
anyways, relli gotta go study now =( will blog soon when something dramastic happens. hahaha :P
whitney. signing out
how do i stop myself from loving you so? i don't know. it just seems as if whenever i feel so great being around you, something is there to bring me down. man, why do you have to be so handsome? why do you have to be so nice? why do you have to be so nice to me?
please don't think i'm in love with your friend because you're the one i love. a month ago, i seriously thought this feelings were just temporary. one month later, i found out that they're still there, hanging on by a thin thread. as thin as this thread may seem, it's strong. strong enough to give me to courage to tell you. just when i expected this thread to be strong, it broke and thus, you still have no idea that i love you so.
how do i get over you? i'm fighting with a bunch of beauty babes that i will never be able to compare with. as sad as i may sound, it's a fact. there's no where i can get to you, you're just to far away, too far up in the air.
what prevents me from seeing you? the distance that we have. the fact that if it wasn't for a certain activity, we wouldn't have even met, i wouldn't even have redug up this feelings for you and thus, i would have been a calmer person. now, you have once again crashed into my life like a boomerang and i'm just too heavy hearted to throw you away. you're just too beautiful, inside and out.
god, i never thought i would love you so much but i do. i would never call it love if i don't feel it but i do and it's getting the best of me. i need you... with me... now...
how will i ever get over you? only time will tell. only time can reduce this love i have for you... this raging feeling of wanting to talk to you whenver i see you. this raging feeling of wanting to make you laugh so that you'd show off your beautiful smile. this raging feeling of wanting to be near you, feeling your presence and asking myself why in the first place i even set eyes on you.
it was love at first sight. and i curse and swear on why it had to last so long and it had to last so deep. you're such an amazing guy. who wouldn't love you.
i know i have competition, which i would never be able to fight. i know there's no way of winning you, but i still cling to false hopes. i don't know what has gotten into me. i need to get over you.
"i hope we could just be friends." something i really wish i could look you in the eye and tell you. when in my heart, all i wanna say is, "please let us be more than friends."
what is going to happen from tomorrow onwards? back to not seeing you or hearing from you again? i know that feeling is going to torture me... not being able to see you smile, hear you laugh and feel your presence. god, please kill me now...
how am i suppose to get over you? now that i have fallen so so so deep... i don't know... oh god, i really don't know...
whitney. signing out.
it's been a good 2 minutes since my previous post. i'm feeling better :)
yeah, a part of me is like that. i'm just happy to share. it's to show that my life is not a fairytale nor issit something fun. i'm feeling much better. thankyou blogger.
i still dont know what i want. despite what people tell me. as of now, i guess i have to count each step i take. hopefully, i wont make any wrong moves.
"i'm happy... i'm happy... i'm happy..."
it's all i can do now. what else can i tell myself?
about this GUY. i think giving up would be the best solution. i don't know. but yeah, i'm gonna give up. i choose staying single over being desperate. i was never good at being desperate. thank god, for it.
feeling much better... at least i think i do... what do you think? comment me. don't leave your identity. i don't wanna know who you are. :)
still trying to find herself. signing out.
haha. i guess by now, you'd be bored of the fact that i always change the name of my blogspot but it is i-dunno-what-i-want now because i am really in a point of my life where i dont know what i want at all, and when i say that... i literally mean every aspect of my life.
there's nothing much to say today. tho, i had loads of fun today. it's been a while since i had fun. A WHILE.
i have been feeling quite emo today. thoughts of suicide, death and hell has been flooding my mind. it's not easy fighting these thoughts and i have learnt the art of being able to accept this flow so hiding it is ever easier :) i actually imagined myself not being apart of this world. what a serenity it would be. still, i exist and i'm making hell in everyone's lives. i'm sorry.
this is an emo post. please bare with me. in the state of emo-ness, i wish i could cut myself but i'm afraid of both pain and blood. instead, i drown myself with thoughts of dead. enough to kill me, praying that i won't wake up tomorrow.
i guess it's back to badminton. i'm pretty sure i'll miss discus. it has brought me wonderful friends and memories. more reasons to be emo about it. i've been using the word "emo" too much. FUCK.
the passion for badminton is slowing drying up. in the midst of it all, i'm starting to really fall apart. tho, a part of me has gotta be strong for recent reasons. reasons that are not to be shared with you. reasons you are not to know. you know who you are.
why am i even a part of this world? why do i have these suicidal thoughts? why am i so unhappy with life? i don't know.
what is your next move, whitney? what are you going to do next, whitney? how are you going to solve this, whitney? c'mon whitney, tell me watcha gonna do? FUCK, I DON'T KNOW. i just don't know, ok?
i still have to be strong. i believe my day will come. whereas, i would learn to be strong. i would learn to be positive. i would learn to cherish. i would learn to love. my day... when will it arrive?
what is wrong with me today? this is not me. or is it? who am i? i really don't know. i think i need a psychologist. maybe i am going crazy. what do you think? what would you think? i don't know.
i might delete this post when i feel better about myself. as of now, i feel like im a bitch.
a sad old bitch.
a ghost who doesn't know what she/he wants. signing out
there's NOTHING to do. now that all sports are over. glad that the stress is over but kinda sad that i wont have a reason to go to mumong and meet the friends i just made throught this whole experience. haqim for one, god i'm gonna miss that "loser" haha :P mizi and ermin's next :) they were D BOMB.
1) why is haqim called the loser?
31st aug - i finished my discus event(got 4th :[ ) and he was there so i told him to drive me out for fun. we went to the mall and on our way back to the stadium, he told me that everything in life is a competition, even when it comes to overtaking cars on a dual lane. so he tried to overtake this car and he FAILED GLORIOUSLY. and hence, haqim is a loser :)
typical haqim-ish line: HAHAHA! You been punk! hahaha!
(lol isn't it? i know.)
2) why are mizi and ermin D BOMB?
no specific date actually. the fact that mizi has got LOADS of nickname?
i) superman by ZURRU
ii) ultraman by WHITENEY(yours truly :D)
iii) retainer boy by MONKEYTING
and that he's just fun. and that i stole his baller id :P i din steal it, i took it with permission :) and im not planning to give it back~ -evil grin-
ermin? he's just "HANDSOME". handsome, what i call him, made him laugh like a nutso over the phone :D
god, now tat all this is over, i dont think i'll see them in the near future. byebye friends. byebye mumong. byebye. =)
i'm just bored and hence, i decided to write about them. some really cool people i met while in mumong. :) it's been a while since i met at all, "nice" people so i felt it was worth it to have a post about them. :)
here's a song i'd like all who are reading to listen to
