it was a relationship only my nearest and dearest knew about. it was something i was so protective over. for a while, it was all i thought about, dreamt about, spoke about and breathed about. and then it ended - so abruptly - before i had the chance to redeem myself, before i had the chance to tell him i love him.
this is my final goodbye, to you, 2 years in the making. these past 2 years, i've grown and changed. i've become stronger, more independent, wiser, braver and have done and gone through things i never thought i would have, in my entire life. i'm sure you have too. i'm not asking for anything in return, and i am sorry i'm very outspoken about my hardships but hey, it was these hardships that molded me into the person i am today, even though you don't want this person anymore.
this is my final post about you, should you not care anymore. i'm not threatening you or anything, i've just become more realistic and more practical than i used to be. i should thank you for that, you abandonment taught me many things. as you have, i need to move on. but it doesn't mean i shouldn't dedicate one last post to you. for all the wonderful time and memories you gave me. for everything you've done for me that i never cherished. for showing you how sorry i am to have you leave me. and that i will always remember you, whether if it's okay with you or not.
you know what led you here and this video below is to ensure that you don't get the wrong idea of what i'm trying to say. if you don't ever see this, it's ok too. it has been 2 years after all. but i just want you to know, i meant everything i said. down to the very last word.
with that, i bid you farewell. i really meant it when i said i missed you.
p/s: sorry about the weird accent. i do that whenever i read stuff. sorry :/
it is currently 1.42a.m. same location, same position as yesterday but somehow different feeling. more tired most definitely. and the below paragraphs will tell you why.
there are two things in this world i find therapeutic:
1. driving long distance.
2. blogging.
sometimes when i feel like no one out there will actually truly give a crap about me, i turn to you my most beloved blog. but i guess other times, i just don't know how to tell people. i guess i've just always been better at writing. when it comes to writing, i know i don't leave anything out. i can read and reread and make sure everything i want to say is all there. i guess that's why i love blogging so much. the tap tap tap of the keyboard is soothing for me in some sense. spacebar tap tap. backspace bar tap tap. abcdefg tap tap tap tap tap. i can assure you that i am not attention seeking nor am i asking for your sympathy. it's just the way i feel.
i also enjoy long distance driving. trust me, when you live in brunei especially in kuala belait, the longest distance you'll go on a daily basis is probably a 20 minute drive to seria. i've recently started driving long distance and i cannot begin to explain to you how amazing it feels. sure, you have lots of people complaining how much a hassle it is or how tiring it is but for me, it's really like SHABUYA awesome. sure, right now my ass hurts like crap and i'm really really sleepy but i won't be able to describe the sensation of reflection that happened in that one hour over car ride. on top of it all, it was at night. even better, for me anyways.
as you can see, my title, it rhymes. it doesn't mean much actually but it serves it's purpose - day two without you. i won't say i'm depressed that you didn't reply me. i won't say i'm angry. if you're reading this now, it means you probably read the previous one too and that might have ticked you off. i will say that i am sad because all i ever wanted to do today was just hold your hand while watching Thor. my head couldn't function properly. it couldn't think about anything else but my hand in yours and you shielding me from the scarier parts of the movie. if you don't ever come back here and read this or you've never read this before and still didn't reply me, i guess it's for the better that i let you go.
what i forgot to mention in my previous post was you didn't do inappropriate things to me. despite saying you would, you didn't and god knows i think that's hot. you have to understand that i've been said those things to before and that i was on the verge of being touched and that scary feeling, i will never be able to forget. if you ask me, i'll deny it but the moment when i realized you were the proper gentleman you were, my heart lit up like fire in rain.
i want to love you passionately, if you'll have me. i want to love you with everything i have in me, if you'll have me. i want to be everything you want me to be and more, if you'll have me.
i guess sometimes for a girl to admit that, it's just impossible. i'm not desperate. i won't push myself towards you if the feeling is not mutual. but for me, honesty will always be the best policy and i won't lie about the way i feel.
call it puppy love, call it infatuation, call it whatever you want. i know my heart and my heart longs for you.
but at the end of the day, it wouldn't mean anything if you let my physical appearance come in our way. i'm fat, ugly and there are all these other girls around me who are so much more beautiful and possibly, 'worthy' of you. if you let that get in our way, i will not be able to explain how broken-hearted i'll be but hey, i wish you well.
with this post, if you'll have me, i promise to love you despite our differences. i promise to cherish you through it all. i promise to be by your side when no one else is. come what may, i promise i'll be there holding your hands.
i am sitting alone in my bed. it is 3.49am as i am typing this sentence. the A.C. is making lots of noise due to the fact that i've left it on 16 degrees for the past few hours in this small room. i am somewhat half lying half sitting on my bed. i'm shaking my legs like a boss. my tattoo is a little itchy and i am somewhat, tempted to scratch it. this is my blog. i suppose i can say whatever the hell i want.
i don't know why i'm here. i've been partying and going out so much that i don't even know who i am or what i strive for anymore. actually it's not that bad, i like partying and i like going out. sure, i do it to escape what i don't want to know at home but still, i enjoy it. let me clarify that i don't drink, i don't smoke, i gamble for the fun of a few dollars, i love the feeling of dancing till my legs cramp the next day and that's about it. i still believe that i am still the girl i was brought up to be and no matter how hard i party in the future, that's how i'll continue to be.
that's not the main point here. gah, i guess i'm delaying this because i don't know how to say it. ok, i'll start anyways. so yeap, i've been feeling much like the rebound girl these days. the girl that everybody has to experience before truly moving on to finding their true love. it's a very degrading thing, that i can assure you and that is why, here and now, i will put a stop to it.
for the past few days, there has been this guy in my life. sure, a week before that there was another guy but that fell apart before i could even put anything together so no, we will be talking about this guy in my life right now. i guess it is safe to say that i've known him for a good half of my life. i won't deny that i once had somewhat on a puppy crush on him but it ended there. it ended there because i wasn't pretty back then. not saying that i'm pretty now but still. i had ZIP self-esteem when i was younger when it came to picking up boys. not saying that i'm any braver now because trust me, i AIN'T. i think if i actually told the world who he was, everybody's expression would the hell be this and this alone: =O
but yes, after those years of little puppy love, he is once again back in my life and in a way i never thought he would be. it has only been a couple of days and i don't know why, but i think i just might have actually genuine feelings for him. though, obviously according to the title of this blog, he does not feel the same for me.
i will be his rebound girl. a girl he can mess around with because i am now known for my cleavage and big ass. pfft. i can't believe that i actually wanted to put myself out there and be his rebound girl. thinking about it now, it makes me feel sick. sick to my stomach. that is not what love should be. love is not groping boobs for the fun of it or doing something somewhat naughty or whatever it is (WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. TRUST ME.) but the idea of me, ms. whitney, being okay with that is just wrong.
it stands against everything i was brought up to be. appropriate, pure, trust in true love and loyal to yourself. how could i have been so stupid? to think that it would have actually worked as long as i let him touch me? it is not okay.
i have heard and seen the way he chases after the girls he liked. sure they are through a LCD laptop screen but still, the sincere teases and exchange of words will never lie. and from what i saw and heard, i am indeed the rebound girl. the girl he will use to get over someone he loved in the past just so that he can move on to someone else in the future.
this post is not only to tell myself but to all the girls as well out there that NO, it is not okay to let boys touch you just because you want him to love you back. NO, it is not okay to put yourself in a situation you are not comfortable with just because you want him to love you back. NO, it is not okay to go against everything you stand for and everything you believe in just because you want him to love you back. YOU DESERVE MORE THAN THAT. YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THAT. if he actually asked those things from you, it can only mean these things: you are the rebound girl, he loves you only for your body, he does not love you at all for he does not appreciate you.
i deserve more than that. i am worth more than that. i have a personality through my curves and layers of fats. i have a charisma that i'd love to share with the rest of the world. i have a sincere heart that beats for everyone, even those who hate me. i have a loving heart that will love anyone - fiercely, intensely, with everything i have in me - who can actually see me for ME.
with this post, i will delete every one of his message. i will not await his message on thursday. i will move on with my journey in search of my mr. right - the man who will one day be in love with me for all that i am.
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