je vous vois.

i am bitter. though bitter, i'm surprised i'm not sad.

if this happened to me 2 years ago, i probably would have killed myself already. i could have probably related myself to every sad song and cry for the whole day again like i did the last time. surprisingly, i haven't shed a tear. NOT ONE. trust me, it hurts. i've tried so hard to cry, i watched Meteor Garden, i listened to the saddest songs and i just kept forcing my mind to think about it and what do you know? Nada. Zip. Nothing. I ARE SURPRISED.

i won't lie. and i can't believe i'm actually admitting this now but when it became official(for like 2 days?), i was seriously scared. the little voice in my heart actually told me to give up. i kept thinking. is this what my whole life is going to be about? is this it? am i going to go overseas and not be able to even ogle over hot guys and remain faithful forever? okay okay. i know that makes me sound REALLY shallow but hey, sue me. there are so many things i want to accomplish in life. i want to travel the world. i want to have a home i can call my own. i want to fall madly, deeply, passionately in love. i want to live freely without commitment. i want to go out into this world, fall, hurt myself and come crawling back and say: mommy, you were right.

when it became official, i saw all those dreams disappear and i bit my tongue while erasing them. still, i erased them. because the rational little dude in my head told me that it was the right thing to do. sure, he wasn't passionate about you. sure, he's not exactly the man of your dreams. sure, you probably have to give up having a big house in australia and have a ranch and have Alaskan huskies running around in your back yard. But. But But But. He can provide. he would have been someone mommy and daddy would agree upon. he would have been someone who could give you a home and a stable life. you could have beautiful children and lead a beautiful life and grow old together. no sparks, no fireworks, Nada.

i could never let myself say these things beforehand just because, i wanted security. i needed that sense of assurance. i would have given up anything to be able to provide for my children and cater to their every needs. i would have given up my ranch, my dogs, seeing the world, falling madly in love and have all my daydreams not come true for the sake of my future children.

is it weird for me to be talking about children? i am 19 after all. but hey, there are lots of teenage mothers out there who became mothers when i was in middle school. i wonder what they think about?

there's a reason why i'm so scared. i, personally, come from a broken family. growing up, i've probably heard about a hundred stories of broken marriages and messed up children. do i ever want that to happen to me? no. growing up, wasn't easy. life was tough in the sense that, nothing you ever do is ever good enough. you were never praised, encouraged and you ARE never put first. it is also the reason why i'm so bloody selfless. because all my life, it has been hammered in me that if everyone else is unhappy, you do not deserve to be happy. it is only when everybody else is happy, then you are entitled to be happy. please don't think i'm trying to praise myself. god, i wish i could be more selfish. but every time i try to be, i let someone down. i make someone sad. and the girl that i was brought up to be shows up again and i would probably give up my life just for anyone or anything, if need be. KILL MYSELF.

i don't mean to sound rude. i don't mean to make anyone feel not good enough but i've been hiding these words for so long, my head is going to seriously explode like an atomic bomb. though i feel it doesn't change anything. when the chance presents itself again and Mr.Could-Be-The-Right-One comes knocking on my door telling me that we could have a beautiful life with blue-eyed(i wish) children together, i don't think i'll hesitate.

what about my dreams then, you may ask? i believe that at the end of the day, the smiles of my possible children will conquer everything else. at the end of the day, i know my children, may they be biologically mine, adopted, mine through surrogacy, WHATEVER; will be worth the fight.

oh and can i share just something really exciting? I KNOW WHAT I WANT TO NAME MY CHILDREN!

i remember 2 years ago, i posted some names up too. but they were something like Keanu and Keira. a very kind gentleman deleted that post so i can't recall but here goes the new names:

1. Callum Martin

2. Calleigh Rosalie

3. Jacob Shane

4. Mikaela Chantal

5. Jayden Keanu

6. Keira Gabrielle

IS IT WRONG FOR ME TO WANT TO HAVE 6 CHILDREN?! i do wish i could.

i'm surprised my mom took it better than i did. here's our whatsapp conversation:

story: my eyes were swollen for some reason that is still unknown.

mum: did you ask your friend?

me: we're really not like that anymore, mum.

sorry, i know you really wanted a guy like him for a son in law.

mum: Han for info I don't care who is this son in law is going to be but must be someone who loves you for you you are

I SWEAR. i felt so helpless. sometimes, she loves me more than i deserve. apparently, both my mum and sis knew it wasn't going to work. to have them tell me, probably made me feel like the biggest failure in the world. everybody is too caught with hurting my feelings. there has to be a way around this.

we were having a good laugh at the dining table during lunch you see. when you're in love with the person, you have to stop yourself from speaking of the flaws. but when you fall out of love, you can call him every ugly name there is in the books. if you think that's what i'm doing, YOU IS WRONG. i won't deny, i still wish i was it for him but i'm not. so why focus on those things that will make me sad and slack when i can just move on? i am strong. i will be strong.

i guess the reason why i haven't cried like i did 2 years ago is because of my sister. last year, all the things that i went through, nobody will ever be able to hurt me the way she did. 2 years ago before i actually knew what pain was, heartbreak was hell for me. but then again, always bear in mind that NO ONE and i mean NO ONE can hurt you as much as your family can. not even your soul mate of the love of your life forever or whatever. i guess i have to thank her in a way. she has made me so untouchable that no heartbreak can break me down. not that i'm encouraging her to go back to that hell of a path again but THANKS SIS!

i want so many things in life. even as we speak, i feel suffocated. i don't know what i want or where do i go from here. sometimes, there are just too many voices ringing in my ear.

however, this is where the title of this post comes in. I'm standing under a white flag. i surrender. i give it all up to the Lord. i know no matter what i say i want to do and what i want to achieve, at the end of the day, it's all in His hands. i can only pray that he will guide me to the right path for only He knows what i need and what i want.

-yawn- it's been a long day of hardcore thinking about all these chingchangwalawalabingbangs. it's time for me to go back and focus on serving the Lord by helping Fr. Paul with this review thingie thing thing.

as a friend of mine put it, FOUR MOAR DAZE YO! i am superdy duper excited!

oh, i've realized that it's been awhile so here:

i suck at bottling things up. when i have good news, i can't wait to share my joy with the world. i suppose it's harder with ugly news because i really don't like the sympathy vote. yet, there's really no way around it. i suppose my family will have to know about this soon... i hope it doesn't crush them as hard as it crushed me.

i've got a little time before i have to go on and be busy with church things for the upcoming retreat! i'm seriously darn excited but i can't seem to get my mind off of this and it's really just and itch i can't scratch. hopefully by once again, pouring my heart out here like a noob teenager in love, my mindset will shift back to my priorities and that is: school, university, church, true love, marriage, babies. lol.

-went away for 20minutes to be busy with what i call life: brother with chicken pox (btw, YAY!)-

-recollecting thoughts-

i'm actually really sad. i don't think i can lie and pretend that i'm not anymore. when things don't work out the way you want them to, you can't help it but be sad. the worst part? i could see it. everything. i could see us sitting on our porch, grey-haired, watching our grandchildren running wild in the backyard. i could see myself walking down the aisle, with my entire tear-stained face focused on you at the end of it. i could see myself in an apron, with our children in school, making the best lunch ever, awaiting everyone's return. i could see us arguing and making up because that's what husbands and wives do. i could see it all. i could taste it, almost and i wanted it. i wanted it so bad that it hurt. you gave me that hope. and then you pulled the rug from under my feet.

i probably took everything more seriously than i should have. you know me, i've always been (and always will be, might i say) a melodramatic little twerp. i won't change the way i am. i like being passionate, filled with emotions and sincere all the time. it means that i get happiness in the form of ten folds and sadly, sadness in ten folds too.

i've never banked on anyone as much as i've banked on you. just because you promised me those things nobody has ever dared to promise me before. actually, nobody in this century would dare to promise anyone any of those things. though, we've made it very clear. we were both born in the wrong century.

all those time i spent waiting for you, i focused on our future. i focused on that one little reassurance and promise. i took it all in, i held everything back. it made doing everything else so hard because i was focusing so hard on you and then it hit me. you never really said you loved me. HOW STUPID I WAS TO THINK YOU DID! and how heartbroken i felt afterwards when i waited for you to tell me yesterday night which became more empty promises and false hopes.

i know you're not the slackest person in the world. i said i'd be okay with it. i would have compromised anything for you. be anything, anyway or anyhow you wanted me to be, for you. i loved you despite your flaws. and now i'm thinking, even though you said you weren't ready, was it my flaws that ultimately held you back? was i too fat or not as beautiful or is my ass too small or boobs too flat or what? WHAT?

"even though i'm happy with her, i'm happier knowing that you are willing to do anything to become a good wife and a mother."

i suppose when i read that, that was just basically the biggest slap on the face. we were so caught up with this idea of being good parents. i was so caught up with having babies and you being the wonderful father figure. you were so caught up with having a good wife and a good mother to your children that you began to see me as only that. not someone you're in love with or someone you'd give your life up for but just: Mother of My Children and My Wife. that was never what i wanted. yeah, well sure i wanted that. my goodness, having the idea in my head now just drives me crazy and my legs feel weak but i wanted you to love me. and i wondered if that was so much to ask of you.

you were happy with her. slash that. you Are happy with her. but you'd rather give that up because i make a better mother to your children. that's just not how it works, mate. you've never been able to admit this but you probably already love her. but because you have so many obligations and bonds that you tie yourself to, you can't see it. i was just another play toy you strung around. and the idea of that just killed me. basically.

i know i brought this upon myself. i was the one who initiated this. it was suppose to be as easy as breathing. it was never meant to be this complicated. i don't know where or when but we really went off course and i fell for you like a tonne of bricks, a feeling that i know all too familiar.

yesterday night was the last straw. i realized all this time that i was with you, it has been disappointment after disappointment after disappointment. from the very beginning. i keep letting it go because i loved you. i would put aside all your flaws and pick up where you slack because that's what girlfriends do. that's what good wives do. it's safe to say that my heart is officially broken. and i'll never used the phrase broken beyond repair again because i healed myself for you. i presented you with my heart on a silver platter, patched up nicely with mickey mouse plasters and you just deliberately threw it on the ground and watch it burst into a million pieces and walked away with a grin on your face and her in your arms.

if you ever see this, i wish you all the best for all the plans you have in the future. i don't think i'll ever stop loving you. after all, i saw my entire future with you and i would have given up anything for you. at the end of the day, all i really wanted was for you to reassure me constantly that you loved me. and you just couldn't do it and it wasn't your fault.

i thank you for having the consideration of not hurting me. though, you really shouldn't have given me false hopes and empty promises. i've always pictured us being apart now and together in the future. though, i don't think that'll ever happen. you will find the love of your life one day and she will be the greatest mother and the greatest wife. you will treat her right, okay? OR IMMA CRACK YOUR BALLS!

in spite of the fact that i'm actually really heartbroken, i'm glad this is over. i can now move on with knowing that i gave this my best shot. i gave us my very freaking best shot and it just didn't work.

i sincerely wish you all the best for everything that you will partake on in the future. may the Lord bless you in everything that you do and may you become everything you strive to be.

p/s if you'd like me to say something to your face, please come forward and ask me to and i promise i won't hold anything back.