i know i've broken the rule yet again for posting twice in a day. no matter, what matters is that i have something to say and unless it is spoken, closure lurks far away from me. well i wouldn't say i found this in a friend of mine's profile because she actually isn't a friend of mine. i may not know her well but i do know that she is an awesome person. she got her heartbroken-ed from a two and a half year relationship. sure, mine only lasted for 5 silly months but still, i can totally relate to her. i fell that hard. i hope she recovers soon and maybe, i could in secret hold her hand and we will slowly find our way to closure together. here's what she had to say.
YY, this is for you.
Our story has three parts; a beginning, a middle and an end. And although this is the way all stories unfold. I still can’t believe that ours didn’t go on forever…
I finally understood what true love meant… love meant that you care for another person’s happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face might be.
I’ll think about you every day. Part of me is scared that there will come a time when you don’t feel the same way, that you’ll somehow forget about what we shared.
It’s possible to go on, no matter how impossible it seems, and in time, the grief… lessens. It may not go away completely, but after a while it’s not so overwhelming.
Love should bring joy, it should grant a person peace, but here and not, it was only bringing pain.
We met at a carefree time, a moment full of promise, in its place now were the harsh lessons of the real world.
I love you, not just for now, but for always, and I dream of the day that you’ll take me in your arms again.
Part of me aches at the thought of him being so close yet untouchable, but his story and mine are different now. It wasn’t easy for me to accept this simple truth… Because there was a time when our stories were the same, but that was a year and a month ago.
You and I shared something wonderful, and I never want you to forget that… you are the first man I ever truly wanted. And no matter what the future brings, you will always be.
(this too, will hopefully be my last post on him...)
location: school library.
i know i shouldn't be doing this in school but might as well do it now while i'm still feeling so inspired. i don't know if i've said this before or not but i've always got something to say. sometimes, i do say it here and while others, i just run out of the inspiration to and then forget it. forgetting is not good so DO NOT WANT that. it's about 1.45pm now even though the library computer says its 10.43pm, and i'm here because i have a prefect meeting to attend later on (yeah, can you believe it? i might actually be a prefect :O). a smackdown is not the best way to start a day. and i've never actually smackdown-ed anyone before. i don't really know the real meaning of the word 'smackdown' but to me, i guess it means a major confrontation. i really didn't want it. trust me, but soemtimes, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do to defend herself. i didn't want to do it but i felt that this time, i finally did the right thing.
so yeah, as usual, i'm not going to name names. i have to admit i don't really like her from the beginning but i would never have been unprofessional about it. maybe it was because i was wrong before and i had taken rage the unprofessional way but not this time and hopefully never again in the future. so yeah, the teacher who was supposed to be teaching at that moment had to miss her class for our prefect meeting. so she asked me nicely to help her bring the transparencies up to the current Set in to which, i kindly accepted the responsibility. that teacher is an awesome teacher so, i would be wrong if i didn't carry out my task correctly. so yeah, i went into the class and there she was sitting amongst the crowd. and when she saw me, man, her eyes could have rolled to the back of her head. she gave me this hateful glare in which i professionally ignored because it was the right thing to do. as per the teacher, i had to make sure they copied the notes on the transparencies and that when they were done, the next set(which was my set) had to copy the notes too. i had to leave so i had to make sure that the next set's people get the idea and will copy the notes too. the teacher told me that i had to MAKE SURE the notes don't go missing is passed back to me at the end of the day. while i was making sure, BAM! she hit me.
well, she didn't really HIT me. she looked really impatient and had this disgusting look on her face. i'm sure anyone and everyone would be able to tell if they were disliked so yeah, i could tell. and she said:
"just leave the paper on the table." -roll eyes and still had the disgusting look-
being interrupted like that, i felt very offended. i wouldn't have taken it personally if i hadn't known that she had been backstabbing me all this while. she tells everybody especially my friends how much a bitch i am and etc. i'm pretty sure she knows that i know she hates me and to which i actually don't give a damn but at that moment, i snapped.
"if you have something against me personally then we can talk about it later. but now, i am here on behalf of teacher XXX and my job is to make sure i get the notes back later." i said calmly.
i know it may seem like i'm trying to make myself look like a hero but this is facts, PEOPLE. i'm really not lying, this was how it went down. you can ask all the other 20 over kids in the room and hopefully, they will tell you exactly the same thing.
"who has a problem with you?" -roll eyes- "who wants to copy these notes anyways?" -roll eyes and waved hand and stomped off-
and i was left standing there looking like a dumb ass. i felt the rage boiling in me and for a moment there i really wanted to slap after her and just yell at her for doing that to me. but i didn't. i made sure the notes would be properly together and given to the next set properly and left.
oh believe me, there were so many moments in which i really wanted to tell the teacher to screw her and not appoint her as a prefect. but i have decided now, against it. i've handled this kind of people before. and i've gone through years of being in the same class with a person i don't like and still come out alive at the end of the journey. with that in mnid, i'm sure i can do it again.
but it's just that, i've never smackdown-ed anyone before. it's just this rush of adrenaline that did it.
and before you know it, almost everyone in the humanities stream knew about this little smackdown.
i will stand firm and say thank you to God for giving me the patience and letting me see what i was going to lose had i really gone after her or told anyone official about this. if i went after her, i would have surrendered to rage. if i told anyone official, i would be cast as the weakling and the lame crap who can't handle anything herself - and HOPEFULLY, we all know i'm not like that. well, i KNOW i'm not like that.
i dedicate this post to her. thank you, for giving me my first smackdown and making me realize that my temper is something i can control. i've always felt very shaky about myself and now i am sure. hopefully, i will be able to look back to this awesome experience and always remember that i'm that little bit more mature now and that i'm that little bit more professional now.
i want to be a good person. i want to be a leader. i want to be a person everybody can trust and depend on. with the guidance of God, my family and friends - i know i will and can be.
from my cousin's blog, (ta kor if you ever read this, say hi to me in facebook!) i found out that the last time i blogged was 2 weeks ago. as a matter of fact, i feel, the last time i REALLY really blogged was probably a month and a bit ago. that's probably 5 weeks. and what happened to me in these 5 weeks? well, life did.
during the holidays, i went to 2 AWESOME retreats that brought me back to God. i pray all the time now, thanking Him for bringing me back under His wings. i do hope that the decisions i make in the days ahead will serve Him right - no matter what. no matter where i'll be, He knows that i will always have Him at heart.
i know i said before that i only come here when i'm either super sad/emo or super happy/i've-got-something-super-awesome-to-talk-about. well, i guess this post will kind of break that rule because i'm neither one of em' now.
i remember the post - closure. i remember promising myself that i would move on. well, if you have been staying tuned, i DID try to move on. but everytime, i turn my head to look back and see how far i've gotten, i realize - i'm still at square one.
stupid stupid STUPID whitney.
i thought you promised yourself that you were going to move on? that no matter what happened, nothing was going to affect you. nothing was ever going to bring you down anymore! nothing was ever going to ruin the new friendship you found. nothing was going to shake you, whitney. NOTHING.
i can't stop my mind from thinking that maybe, he was with me because i could give him the things he wanted. i could give him the equipments he needed so badly and when he had them with my money, he could be done with me. all those nights we spent on the computer talking was just a ploy to get me to spit out everything that was in me for him. every moment i thought that would last was just a plot to crush me at the end of the day and leave me permanently damaged. it's been 7 months and i'm still here. so why am i so damn stupid?
i can't stay at Avalon and continue to pretend like i'm okay. because i'm not. yesterday was awesome, but the aftermath of it was just... horrifying. i found myself not being able to sleep again and crying like a baby because i didn't know how else to distract the pain. i can't stay at Avalon especially when i'm having these stupid thoughts and being around was only going to fuel it. I DON'T WANT TO HAVE THESE THOUGHTS. but i can't seem to give myself another reason why it didn't work out in the end. oh, it wasn't meant to be. oh, i'm just not good enough.
everybody, they love a winner - so nobody loved me.
every moment we spend together will just push me from threading water to become drowning in it. everything that we do together will only continue to blur the lines that i drew so distinctly between me and you. i have fallen out of closure and back into the hell hole that i'd happily stay in because i could see you as much as i wanted if i was there. i keep forgetting that i can't WANT you anymore. and that i can't HOLD your attention. i can't MAKE you talk to me. i, obviously, don't make you very happy. so why continue sticking around when we all know it was mission impossible? you may think i don't know you but a little voice inside my head does. and when you decide on something, you stick to it. you've stuck to maybe all your decisions in life well, except for me and our happy ending. i need to get over you... again. and to do that, i must leave.
i'm heartbrokened. and the only way for me to crawl my way back into closure again is to leave the people i love - all of you, in Avalon. i love ALL OF YOU in Avalon. and please don't ever doubt that i do so. i'm going to really miss you guys. and as much as it kills me, it's really unfair for me to keep burdening you guys with this - especially you, mama bangs. i have to learn to deal it myself - like what i'm doing with everything else in my life right now.
i believe and have confidence that one day, i will really move on. i really believe it. but till that day comes, i promise to keep my distance and remain withdrawn to protect my already shattered heart from becoming dust particles.
