je vous vois.

i've been predicting the coming of this day for a while now. never would i have imagined that it would have brought me so much joy and motivation.

i knew i was lost. in my deepest despair, there appeared superman and wondergirl; my besties now and forever.


Dear Bloggers;

i'm in a more jolly mood today, i am ONE day away from meeting my all-time favourite badminton player aka Koo Kien Keat and thinking about it just makes me WANNA JUMP TO MY FEET and SCREAMM! wheeee~ =3
i promise, when i get shoots of him, they will be spilled all over here. lets the suspense KILL YOU! -evil grin-



really, i feel much much better today. maybe it was because i have figured out what was bothering me so much. i don't know if i'll be able to finish everything here tho. been kinda lazy and err... distracted? LAWLS. i'm not sure if i'll be able to maple for the next couple of days in KK so i'm pretty sure i'm going to miss my buds; xif, jac and dailou loong =p


i'm pretty sure i'll be out of rehabilitation soon =) do not worry! =D this is probably the first positive post in a long time. i am in a positive state of mind and body now. i am no longer in pain and no long suffering from my addiction. i knew i was lost and i let it kill me. in my deepest despair, there appeared superman and wondergirl; my besties now and forever; xif and jac.

i know they'll always be there for me. with or without maple. they've stuck out there for me, these couple of weeks through thick and thin. i treasure this friendship more than anything and they do too. i love you guys uh! forever and ever! f3

anyways, i guess i'll be flying soon. just here to let all my beloved readers (especially Dan, i'm pretty sure you'd be reading this) that i'm really fine. well, maybe not there yet but i'm really really trying my best to get there. i'm going to be happy this time and i'm not going to let this happiness end.

i know i'll never be abandoned and that i'll always be loved. with or without the people that i really wished understood. its s'okay =) i'm happy and content =)





whitney. FINALLY happily signing out. =D

i never said it was going to be easy to be without you. you used to be a drug to me, something i couldn't live without on a daily basis. still, all drug addicts know that they'll end up in rehab one day. that or death. i'm there now and i'm in high hopes of recovering from you.

i allowed my body and mind the shiver and cry myself entirely yesterday. i guess, that's just how it's like to be a drug addict and go off drugs. the pain, was pretty hard to endure. i knew i was going to make it anyway but i honestly didn't know how. i give credit to myself for making it this far. good job, whitney. -pat myself on the head-

hmm... life without you. gosh, i was never really able to accept it. but, i brought it onto myself so it's the only thing there is to do now.


survival; i'm in rehab. healing myself from you. with your hopes in me, i know i will be able to overcome it.






p.s: this is a dumb post to pass time. maple is repatching. =='

but i did what i had to do and i did it. it was painful but i did it. i knew it was wrong and i still did it. i did it and i knew it'd hurt you but i still did it. i did it and i'm so sorry.


believe me, i'll miss you. i miss the times we shared and the things we've done. i'd miss the dumb jokes we used to make and the your dazzling smile. i'll miss all of it.

i believed it had to be done. to protect you and shield you from me. i bet you knew i was dangerous and still tried to be my friend. i'm sorry i allowed it and caused you pain. i was dumb to have let it get that far. for me to need you so badly and for me to be so selfish of you. i'm sorry.

even though i said it, i would never allow you to make you choose an answer for the ultimatum i set you up for. it would be wrong... and you wouldn't choose me anyways. way to go on boosting the pain.

there was one part where you said something. and i was never able to reach back to that part without crying. so here:
i do know you care for me. but i don't want it to continue because it will only hurt you more. i can't bare that. it's best if i bare it alone than have to pull you down. you have more than enough on your plate and i don't wanna add on. get me?
if you stopped everything last night, i would have really liked it. reason back to top.
thank you for bringing your family to my confirmation. it meant so much to see you there.
i acknowledged every little thing you've done for me. please don't make it sound like i never took notice at all. i have.

i'm not your mess to clean. but i had to do it. i knew it wasn't going to be easy for me to stop depending on you. but i did what i had to do and i did it. it was painful but i did it. i knew it was wrong and i still did it. i did it and i knew it'd hurt you but i still did it. i did it and i'm so sorry.

think from my point of view. how much you actually mean to me and why i'm making you leave me. how painful it will be for me but as long as you're happy, you know, everything will be worth it.



here's to goodbye. be happy. i love you, friend.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this pain... i can't swallow it. neither can i scream it out without waking my parents up. i'm in bitter pain. save me; kill me. end it; NOW.
what am i to do now? how am i suppose to face you now?
TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
what... what have you done to me?





knock knock knock. can you hear me crying?

i bet it'll be obvious now that my previous posts were all about you. so... if this ruins our friendship, i'm at a point where i can say... whatever.


if you could just open your eyes and understand that i really didn't plan on things to happen the way they did. it's a simple matter, not complicated at all. it's not like we're ready to move in together or that i'm going to lose my virginity or some fucked up shit like that. it's not. but i've already explained that but of course, you took none of it in.

i understand it's not going to be easy and that it's going to take a lot of effort but what i have is determination. if it doesn't work out in the end, i'm just gonna move on. it's not like i've never done it before. i really don't know what you're so worked up about.

like i said, i know your secret and i could have guaranteed that our friendship would not make it through this obstacle if i had blown at you just now. i'm not even sure if our friendship would make it through now...

it's been so long since i've known it and a part of me that loved you as my best bud still can't believe and denies to believe that it's true. yet, there's the other part where it's stupid to not think it's true. it could be just one HUGE misunderstanding but... whatever it is, the damage is already done.

how can you look at me and say those things to me when you're in a relationship with her yourself?









will we make it through this? i don't know. but like you said; whatever.

do whatever makes you happy, friend. whatever makes you happy, makes me happy too. even if it means i can't call you "friend" anymore.

personal affection is a luxury you can have only after your enemies are eliminated. until then, everyone you love is a hostage, sapping your courage and corrupting your judements.


it's sad to say. my heart hasn't recovered. a bit maybe, mostly due to time but mostly not. it's 5.15a.m now and it's been 12 hours since i woke up. 5 mins after jac and loong went to sleep. i hate being alone. it's... honestly too much for me to endure.

as my dearly beloved dan said; quote and unquote: If it hurts, just fall down, cry the shyt out. After that, clean yourself up, pick yourself up and live again.
i can't even breathe, i'm at the verge of drowning myself with this pain. how the hell am i suppose to live again?

maybe i'm still in the "just fall down, cry the shyt out" phase. but, i honestly don't know when will i ever move to "clean yourself up, pick yourself up". what more to say to the "and live again."?
dear dan,
i want to. but i just... i just... can't.

i ask myself why allow myself to go through with this crap. so unnecessary. so much a waste of time and energy. i was happy once but, it was, so so long ago. i feel every cell in my body resisting myself from being happy or at least staying that way. i have come to the terms that i am miserable, no matter how much i pretend not to be.

my laughters, my jokes; they will forever and can only be the shield to cover up the true story on the inside. i have obviously never allowed anyone to enter so deep into my live.
and looked what happened when i did? i get this; an unnecessary puncture in my heart.

i know, my dear friend. i am in no rights to have expected you to tell me your secret. but now that i do know of it, not from you but by myself, you have no idea the sleepless nights and the frightful dreams. you no idea the silent tears and the broken soul. i am broken.

i wanted to name this post "phobia", because now, i declare myself afraid of you. afraid of and afraid for you. though again, you'd probably think it's unnecessary. how rasional you are and i'm not because i'm just a "kid".

hear me out on this:
personal affection is a luxury you can have only after your enemies are eliminated. until then, everyone you love is a hostage, sapping your courage and corrupting your judements.

you have taken my love for you as a friend for granted.

it was as if the world was crashing down right in front of me. nothing mattered, nothing could distract me. i was falling apart and i knew it. i knew it and i could do nothing about it.



today wasn't any better than yesterday. i'm so... "unmotivated". my battery adapter died almost instantly just now which thus ends my mapling life. what a better way to kill me faster by taking away the only distraction.

i'm usually a pig. sleeping through the night without dreams or pain in heart. today, i forced myself to sleep at 9, hoping that i'd wake up at 6 and look fresh and bright for my big day tomorrow. i woke up at 12am with a dream i had to cover my mouth to prevent myself from screaming.

the night before was even worse. the dawn of the shock upon receiving the secret. the secret, bound to be only for me to know for the rest of my life. the secret, no one will ever know. thank god, i had jason with me that night. how could i have poured this out to anyone i know here. this secret... boy, it will destroy all our lives. am i honestly going to let that happen? no. chatting with jason made me realize. oh gosh, it took me that long to realize. THIS PAIN. THIS MUTHAFCKING PAIN; is betrayal. i found myself hugging my legs and drowning myself with tears. i found myself shaking, clutching onto myself to prevent myself from losing it. it was as if the world was crashing down right in front of me. nothing mattered, nothing could distract me. i was falling apart and i knew it. i knew it and i could do nothing about it.

the pain hasn't ceased one bit. i still can't breathe. i think i might drown soon. feel free to leave chrysanthemums at my grave. i'll haunt down those who don't.


don't ask me what the secret is. i would rather die a thousand deaths that ruin the peaceful lives that we now live. i will not destroy this peace. i will carry the weight on my shoulders alone.

i walk a lonely road the only one that i have ever know. don't know where it goes but it's only me and i walk alone.

that song has become a comfort. my best friend.



i don't need you understand me. i don't need you to care about me. what you did, will make me hate you for the rest of my life. i so weak, i can't even scream. i'm whispering. i miss you tho. i miss knowing you for the pure and lovable person you used to be.


now when i look at you. and what do i see? hate, betrayal and LIES.





don't try to pity me. nothing will heal me. NOTHING.

i always thought you could trust me. i thought I KNEW YOU! i thought YOU KNEW ME BETTER THAN THAT I WOULD HAVE LEAKED OUT YOUR SECRET! i thought, you understood THAT I WAS YOUR FRIEND.

dear bloggers. it hasn't been a good day. nothing is going right. i can't even maple. which made everything even worse. i believe i will be emo-ing a lot these few days. if you can't take it, feel free to never visit this blog again. hell fuck if i care.


the day started off with a very rough start. i had overslept again, forgetting that i promised my beloved friend, jac, that i would take care of the map. i felt like slapping myself in the face. then, it was time to go to church. singing practise sucked again. it wasn't them tho, it was me. i really suck. really i do.

later on in the evening, i discovered a secret. so dark, so disgusting that if i said it out, it would ruin all our lives. what am i to do now?

all this while, i always thought you could trust me. i thought I KNEW YOU! i thought YOU KNEW ME BETTER THAN THAT I WOULD HAVE LEAKED OUT YOUR SECRET! i thought, you understood THAT I WAS YOUR FRIEND.

i guess i thought wrong. you don't trust me like i thought you did. i guess i really don't know you. i guess YOU DON'T KNOW ME EITHER TO THINK THAT I WOULD HAVE JUDGE YOU BECAUSE OF THE SECRET. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT I DO CARE FOR YOU.

YOU are my best friend. if not the, it's one of them. HOW COULD YOU HAVE HURT ME THIS WAY?! or, did i mau-mau want myself to be hurt. i guess if i confronted you about it, dat's what you'd tell me. i mau-mau.

i guess i'll be what you think i am. i will stop telling you things about myself. i'll stop seeking for you. i'll stop caring for you and your needs. i'll stop trusting you.

i'll avoid you, if that's what you want.

you have pierced my heart, so deep, it's punctured. how? how will i ever recover? i thought i meant something to you, if not a lot, a little did it. your secret has proven that i mean NOTHING to you. i AM nothing.

i'm here to let you know. i know your secret. you know who you are. thanks for being careless, and i'd like to really slap myself now for being busybody. kill myself, rather.

this pain, this bloody pain. i can't breathe. i just can't...



i'm sorry by the time you read this, it might hurt you. TRUST ME, thats one hundredth to what i am feeling now.


i'm hiding a secret. what am i to do now?

i've been pondering this subject for a week and i have finally decided to let the cat out of the bag. yes, i think i'm in love.


ola bloggers =)


it's been probably around my correct interval to blog. you know me. i only blog when i have something about myself that i'd like to express. recently, so many began blogging. it's chaotic. keeping up in track to see who and who got new blogs or who and who changed their link is tiring but thankfully, i'm not a complainer.

i'm glad. blogging is a thing i enjoy doing alone in my room. away from the busy world and away from noise that may disrupt my mind from concentrating on this hobby. it has become my sanctuary. usually, an hour or two away from the world, we all have known to be cruel. i'm glad that other people, so to say good friends of mine, have also found that sanctuary. may you be blessed with everlasting peace.

for the first time in a long time, i am at peace. life, has become meaningless recently. senseless even. but, i shall not complain for today is a day for an announcement.

i've been pondering this subject for a week and i have finally decided to let the cat out of the bag. yes, i think i'm in love.


what does it mean to be in love?
something, i have never truely understood.

commitments?
something, i've always had been too afraid to make.

marriage?
something, i hope, would only happen in my worst nightmares.


but, all that doesn't involve with if a person or me is being in love or not.
when you're in love, you can look at another man and feel nothing.
no daydreams, no wondering what would have been or what could have been.
no imagining if this happened or that.
no thinking twice on the decision you've made to give yourself to this man.
no looking back and say things like, "urgh! i should have never loved you."

when you love someone, you give your heart, your soul, your mind & your everything. you may not admit when you're reading this but i'm pretty sure you know that your conscience is beating the tibetan drums in your ear. i'm guessing if you, my dear reader is around the age of 12-14, you would have no idea what i am talking about. trust me, you may have heard this a lot, but, i've been there :)

the young me, crave to be in a relationship. to a point of desperation, a guilt i had to admit. the " me" now, just loves to be in love. heck, if no commitments are involved. heck, no plans getting married. being in love feels so good just the way it is.

the way he calls your name, just the way you want to hear it.
the way he touches your hair, just the way you like it.
the way hugs you, so you could feel his warmth.
the way he looks at you, like nothing else in this world ever mattered.

i'm pretty sure, 2 years from now, i will revisit this post and laugh at myself. for loving to be in love so much. by then, i expect myself to think completely different. but, we'll never know. that's just life; unpredictable.

by now, i guess you'd be waiting for me to expose who this "man" is. haha, that's a secret i'll never tell. you know you love me. xoxo. hmm... now where did i heard that bitchy catch phrase from? haha.






whitney. signing out.

ryan gosling
&
rachel mcadams

i wouldn't usually have the patience to wait for ALL the pics to load so you can see how special and close this movie is to my heart.

watch it. you will not regret =D

whitney. signing out.

can you believe it? i found time to blog! i rarely have that kinda time thats why the interval between my posts are so big =S sorry all =D thanks for always staying loyal and checking up this blog whenever you can =D you know who you are even if you never bothered to leave a message at the shoutout ==' doesn't matter! i know that you do check and that you do care, that's all that really matters, right? =]

i remembered myself randomly chatting with daniel one day a few good months ago. and he said hey whi, listen to this new song from chris brown. its totally awesome. i didn't buy it as i was never a big fan of chris brown. no air was alright to me. it's just a very addictive song... at that point in time, fe was the chris brown freak =p

so then during psk with soohung, chinting, xuru, vivian, xinxin, ong, haqim and all others, i decided to give chris brown a go and i was SWEPT OF MY FEET by chris brown with the song entitled:

SUPERHUMAN

HAHAs! it was that bad. i'd bring the song everywhere i go in my phone. even to the showers! soon towards the end of our trip of psk, everybody knew the name of that song.

and then when june hols were over i told fe about it and she DENIED that the song was good. the addiction towards the song died down too sooner or later as i moved on the songs that were in my previous posts.

TO MY SURPRISE! felis navidad started loving the song... MUAHAHA! i own-ed her =P like she owned me for loving her "THUNDER BABYY THUNDER!! EEEEE...." =p

today, 05/11/08, i've once again fallen in love with the song. i mean literally like the first time i gave it a second chance =D especially after seeing the official music video~ oh GAWSH i love Superhuman! =D

give it a go! who knows? you might be the next person to come up to me and tell me you love it too =p





whitney. signing out.

it's been a while since i blogged and i've noticed, september was probably the month i emo-ed the most. whatever, i got over it =) that's a good thing i guess.

i've recently made a new friend! =) his name is kenito aka leechongwei. and yeah, i'm wong mew choo! HAHAs. ok, that was so dry =='. but yes, whitney then who RARELY socializes has made a new friend and she promises to cherish this friendship <-- sounds kinda fake to me =/ HAHAs but yeah, i'm glad i made a new friend and that we share so much in common =) our top priority = BADMINTON! :]

like i said, i haven't been emo-ish recently so there really is nothing to blog about. if you wanted to know how my life is like daily, i guess my blog would be the first blog to be off your list of followups =p

i've recently got a new fav song! yes, the lyrics are very "jiwang"?
i hate this part - pussycat dolls

OMG! PUSSY! HAHAs. don't be yellow. i ain't dirty-minded =x

i love that song~ it reminds me of a lot of things in the past. different things i shared with different people and the things that have helped me become what i am today. i won't bother to lyrics it out for you guys. gr! i know you never read them anyways x]

i had a hard time choosing the title for this post because this post isn't emo or anything. just needed to update it before somebody thought i was dead or something. HAHAs. and thus, i chose linger. a sentence in my new fav song;

" i can't take it any longer, thought that we were stronger
all we do is linger, slipping through my fingers."

my friend, john and i are at better speaking terms =) i like it this way. i've been a while since we last catched up and i think as much as i'd like to be his right hand person, i can't. you always need some time apart from the people you love(as friends =x) and the distance did us good. we can now joke about almost anything. well... ANYTHING would be more like it =p

i've got a joke to share! hope you guys like this one. i got it from Sophia Chin of my class and boy, i laughed my arse out. HAHAHAs.

there were these 3 people: A, B & C
they were captured by red indians
the red indians told them to into the forest to pick up some fruits.
A came back with 3 apples.
the red indians told him to stick it up his "anus" and if he made any expressions, he would be shot down and be in heaven.
so as A stuffed the 2nd apple into his "anus", he couldn't take it and began crying.
BANG! he was shot and he went to heaven.
next, it was B's turn.
he came back with 8 grapes.
as he was stuffing the last grape into his "anus", he began laughing.
BANG! he too was shot and went to heaven.
in heaven, A asked B.
"why did you laugh, B? weren't you almost finish with your last grape?"
B replied, "when i was stuffing the last grape, i looked up and saw C carrying 2 watermelons."

did you get the joke? how are you suppose to stuff watermelons into your ANUS?!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. that really gave me a good laugh.



alright, i guess imma stop now. sorry this post is so random. like i said, i just needed to update it =]







whitney. signing out.

dear dad,

it's been about a year since i saw you. there are 365 days in a year. of all these days, there wasn't 1 empty day where had gone by where i don't miss you. not a day pass by i don't wish that my family which belonged beside you was perfect... like every other home... like every other happy children...

in these 356 days, 17 days ago was the day that was the only day that was worth remembering. it was the only day that i had to remember or needed to force myself to remember. yet, i couldn't believe 17 days later, today, 20th october, i remembered. i had forgotten to call you, all the way from here, brunei to kuching to wish you my love. i had forgotten to wish you happy birthday...

i forgot what i was doing on the 4th of october. i think i was busy with teacher's day, if i'm not mistaken. you have no idea how ashamed i am to be your daughter now. how ashamed i am to be here writing this. how ashamed i am to know that you'd still love me so much, despite my never ending flaws.

i've never stopped missing you, daddy. how i wish you could kiss my forehead to sleep everynight like you used to. how i wish i could hold you and know that everything was going to be alright. how your laughter would make me feel so lame yet, make me laugh on the inside. how the way you push your hair back with your right hand and make me wanna follow. how you guide me and never ceased to give up on me despite all the hurt that i have caused upon you. how i wish, i could hold you now. right now. right here.

know that it killed me when i remembered that i had forgotten your birthday. how i wished i could have killed myself there and then and be done with it. how hard i am crying now, thinking that you must have been up all night waiting for my call even though in your tone, you said you'd forgotten. how i wish you would have been hard on me and blame me for not calling than say you've forgotten about it yourself. how painful it is now for me. the tears, i can't stop them. the pain, no one can heal them.

know this, dad. i have always been, is now, and always will be your little girl, no matter how old i grow, how tall i am and however big size i become.

also, how i wished you'd been able to read english or know that i have this blog. words, i don't know how to express(i guess i inherited that from mum).



i love you, daddy. always and forever.
happy belated birthday.






whitney. signing out.

i've been awaiting this day for a few days now. i've always thought the layout of my blog was very boring and thus, it took me days to find the perfect header picture and confirm the whole idea in my head and TAA-DAA! new layout~ love it to the core.

the picture was edit-ed by a good friend of mine. what i wanted was totally different but what he/she gave me was extremely over my expectations! i love it! i LOVE it! thanks, buddy :P

i've been a big fan of maroon recently so i decided to make my blog brown/maroon. that's why it was difficult to find the perfect picture to match with the theme i had in mind. but i found it nevertheless! hurray me!

hope this change of the layout may allow dear bloggers who are currently reading my posts to have a clearer or closer feel to me =) i've also enlargen-ed the text for the blind~ hahaha! :P


nothing much tho. have been quite happy recently so nothing much to be emotional about. life is a drama~ but quite boring for me recently =,=






whitney.
life is a hackin' drama.
signing out.

i've been looking through my blog. from the first post to the very last. i love reading it over and over and over again sometimes. it reminds me of how every little things, both ups and downs, have changed me to be the person i am today. every little thing matter. there's no 2nd chance in life. despite the downfalls, i don't regret ever going through them because they only make me more prepared for the future and more ready to embrace failure. <-- sometimes when my emotions take over my consious; yes, those few sentences before are bullcrap.

as of now, i'm fine, actually i'm more than fine. i feel good, light and most importantly, free. i feel free because i have god by my side. someone once told me that god is actually "kiasu". in the terms that he would not let anything bad happen to me and that he will always be there to protect me and win satan. i believe it. every word of it.
lets just say the confirmation kk trip changed me. more that i thought it ever would. i now have learnt to stay close to god. to think about him more than i used to daily. to know that he's the one i'm going to turn to when i need help. when i feel lost and when i can't find anyone to depend on, not even my closest friends, i know i'll have him there and i know he'd always be there waiting. i've learnt to love him more than i thought i ever would. that, my dear friends, is an immaculate feeling. i will never forget the things ive seen, heard and learnt from the kk trip. it will follow me to my grave and be by my side in every aspect of my life as of now.


ENOUGH OF THE SERIOUS TALK!


i suddenly realized, i've never introduced my best companion since a few months ago here! man, i feel so bad... but better late than never, i suppose =)
i was shopping one day and i saw this wall of plushies. to be honest, my whole life, i've never exactly loved or treasured a plushie. a friend of mine suddenly moved me and thus, i found myself looking for a companion. craving for a little plushie to rock me to sleep. my eyes began searching the whole wall. then, i saw this little pink bum bum sticking out from the pile of unsorted plushies below. i pulled it out, call it love at first sight, but yes, i fell in love with him. this hot pink hippo. it didn't look like a girl to me though, or maybe it was because i was never interested in girls? hey! i'm a girl, female! WOMAN! wouldn't it be weird if i were looking for girls? -chills- but yesh, i thought it looked like a male so as i looked into "his" eyes. i instantly decided to name "him" Matthew. not a lot of people know his existance but here i am, introducing him to the world as my other best friend, my best friend at home.



this was taken the day i bought him. apparently matthew's birthday is also the birthday of my other friend =) i still cant believe the first time i've set eyes on this HOT PINK hippo. i hate hot pink, btw. only sue likes it -gaze-



this was matthew doing my commerce arithmatic. thru my hardest homework days, he stuck it all out for me. =P



and this is me "vaining" with my baby. the one and only that i'd hug to sleep. =D
p.s: i was also trying to show off my mini tiger tooth :P

more pictures to be uploaded soon, i guess. sorry it took so long to complete this blog :P paiseh :P






whitney. signing out.

i feel like a complete idiot... was it because i don't act desperate like she does? i don't know. it's obvious i don't have a little of your attention anymore and she has it ALL even now that you're not where we are. whatever... i have nothing to say. you know who you are. you know who she is. if you're smart, you'd know why i feel like a complete idiot. being fooled, thinking that maybe you liked me a little more than her. obviously you don't. so, go. go to her. go on. need a hint, friend? friendster. yes, everything starts with it. EVERYTHING ALWAYS DOES. yes, i sense jealousy in me, thats why i need to emo it out. no, i'm not obssessed with you or as in love with you as she is but now i'm wondering if you lied to me in front of my face for the whole time that i've known you. here's to goodbye for the time being. i don't think i'll be able to face you, the face who once i thought was my friend, a close friend, rather, is now the face of a liar.




i don't know what else to say. i wish i could emo a little more but thats all i could come up with. i really don't wanna curse. it's not good.






whitney. unhappily signing out.

i was in the taxi on the way to kowloon from hong kong disneyland. the taxi driver starts playing My Heart Will Go On - Celine Dion and i go "OH NO!". after that song, M2M started playing and i deliberately felt like ripping all my hair out. not that i didn't like those songs but i really wasn't in the mood for any of that at the moment. so... i began flipping through songs in my ipod. i came to letter T and flipped to the song The Man Who Can't Be Moved - The Script. i forgot when i downloaded this song but i must have thought it was worth listening to even bothering listening.


so i shut my eye...

pressed the middle button on my ipod and leant back to the uncomfortable seat...

i felt this rush of adrenalin and paid attention to each and every word of the song...

i repeated the song over and over again and began to fall in love with it...

if you care, read the lyrics and understand what it means, better yet, give it a listen and understand how i feel...

Going back to the corner where I first saw you,
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag I'm not gonna move,
Got some words on cardboard got your picture in my hand,
Saying if you see this girl can you tell her where I am,
Some try to hand me money they don't understand, I
'm not...broke I'm just a broken hearted man,
I know it makes no sense, but what else can I do,
How can I move on when I'm still in love with you...

Cos if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me,
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be,
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet,
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.

So I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

Policeman says son you can't stay here, I
said there's someone I'm waiting for if it's a day, a month, a year,
Gotta stand my ground even if it rains or snows,
If she changes her mind this is the first place she will go.

Cos if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me,
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be,
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet,
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.

So I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.
I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

People talk about the guy
Who's waiting on a girl...
Oohoohwoo
There are no holes in his shoes
But a big hole in his world...
Hmmmmand

maybe I'll get famous as man who can't be moved,
And maybe you won't mean to but you'll see me on the news,
And you'll come running to the corner...
Cos you'll know it's just for you

I'm the man who can't be moved
I'm the man who can't be moved...

Cos if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me,
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be,
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet,
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.

[Repeat in background]So I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

Going back to the corner where I first saw you,
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag not I'm not gonna move.




whitney.signing out.

when patrick the starfish dumped spongebob squarepants for a java chip whipped cream chocolate syrup frappucino grande =3

whitney. signing out.

it's about 12.53am now and i don't intend to sleep tonight. firstly, i gotta find mooncake pictures for fe, secondly, i gotta find a new friendster background for my friendster profile. third, i need a place to emo out my unhappy feelings.

hmm. i'm still missing fishie. maybe it's just me, but its really rare for me to find TRUE friends that actually stick around. i thought i found one after Ape left but that one had to go somehow too... and now, fishie is leaving too... well technically he's already left... ='(

wow. its 2.46am now. in between that, i was looking for pictures and chatting with fishie. apparently, i was upset becoz of NOTHING. i feel so pathetic and ashamed of feeling the way i did for the whole evening and night. how could i have thought of fishie that way? hmm... i guess it's because it has happened to me too many times and thus, insecurities is inevitable. anyways, fishie and i are back on track! yay! i missed him as a friend so much today. and i know jas did too. we all miss u, fishie. and by the time you read this, plz dun be too bangga! and dun gila cucuk! hahahaha.

like i said above, true friends are hard to find. when you find them, grasp them tight and hold on as long as you can. don't let go because of stupid little things. don't let go because of insecurities.
with that, i feel like a hiporcrit about my previous close friend but sadly, there's no turning back to that one. not to back to where we stopped, at least. there are plenty more fishes in the sea, "they" say. i believe so too. with this, i believe i will find more true friends in the future. friends who are not afraid to depend on you when they're weak and are not afraid to be depended on when you're weak. that's the kind of friend i'm looking for. everything works both ways, i believe. friendships does too. it's what keep a friendship stronger, healthier, better.

that's what me and fe and sue have gone through and are proud of having gone through so many things. ups and downs. all are needed in a friendship but when you fall, you gotta know to get up. you gotta know how to clear up the mess. i think fe and sue have done a really great job keeping this friendship well. we made it through no matter what was being thrown at us. looking back, despite the tears, i'm so proud of what the 3 of us have become today. it's amazing, guys. indescribably amazing.

this is something i got from sue's friendster profile:
hmmm... love laughing over funny n stupid things.... love lazing around... get attached to people very fast... n tend to miss people easily as well....loove doing naughty stuff with my cousins(my 'criminal' partners, haaha)....dun worry i m also sumone whom anyone can talk to seriously....

haha... in more ways than other, we're alike. but it seems, i get attached to people quicker than she does and i miss the people i get attached to ever more easily. don't worry. i am someone you can talk to seriously too... so serious, that i hope my advice to the friends i advice to, make sense.

with her, she gets really attached to anyone really quickly. as for me, it takes time and when i do, there's no stopping me from holding back the things i wanna contribute to this person. thats something i love and hate about myself but oh well... thats just me...

here's something i got from a friend's nic and pm:
how do i say goodbye to someone i never really had? why do my tears fall so endlessly for someone who was never really mine?
why is it i miss someone i was never really with?and why do i love someone whose love was never really mine?

emo isn't it? to me, it's deep and meaningful. i love everything about it. i mean those 4 sentences... as of now, i'm single and happy. but i guess when i do havta go through the rollercoaster ride of falling in love, i'd look back at these 4 sentences and start crying again.
btw, i cry in the showers most of the time. something i think i have to confess.


hais. haven't found myself a pet name though. that sucks. oh well, i didn't really feel this post but since i began, i had to end it properly. nights all. i don't think i'll be sleeping anyways. -3.03am-






whitney. signing out.

seems as if today is SoOoOoOo boring

suddenly i feel this heavy weight sitting on my heart like a big sumo's ass.
could it be because of excess gaming today? hmm. maybe not.
could it be because of boredom? hmm. so so.
could it be because of someone and someone? haha. could be but doubt it. i'm not the type who would be jealous.

anyways. i'm just bored and tired. missing ape(his new name) and fishie.

i've decided to give myself a pet name. to differenciate the real me and the emo me here. i guess it's for the best. i don't wanna confuse this two identities because i dont wanna bring the emo me to the real me who is cheerful and straightforwardly bitchy most of the time :P so... any suggestions? please post some names at shoutout! =D





whitney.signing out.

muahahaha!
well, i didn't have a lot of pics of L, due to the fact that he would always delete it whenever i have any at all and that he'd knew where i hide my things or how i rename them on my lappie. he threatens me to never post them in public places "or else..." his "or else" creeps me out becoz the last time, erm... i'd rather not talk about it. hehe. as for mr.haqim! muakaka! i i've got a few pics of him and thus, i'm posting them! muahahaha! with his permission larh :P he's mr.niceguy2 so i doubt he'll mind. plus, i'm pretty sure he'll be perasan-ing that i treasure him so much! hahaha! so important that got 2 post dedicated to him kaliarh! hais. bo bien, i love that loser (as a friend, nothing more arh jas, dun misunderstand! i still wanna live :P). sadly, he'll be leaving ALL OF US(grrr) on 11th september 2008 7.10pm(as said in his msn pm) for UK to study Sports Science(yeahhhsehhhmannn :P) so here goes: my friend, haqim loser the fish.

that's the first pic i ever took of haqim. we were all sitting at the living room of the game village administration building. suddenly! haqim takes out this devil horns thingie which shined! i couldn't resist so decided to take a picture of him. it was hilarious. i had the time of my life just laughing at him =)

this was the bus ride on our way back to mumong from bandar. i was sitting behind loser and then one of the girls took out this chinese paper in which they had to memorize for a competition. fishie grabbed the paper and started making up his own words. another memory worth remembering and another picture worth taking.

the little furry thing at haqim's shoulders is cynthia's teddy. and ru's hand with her ex-phone. haqim wanted to be a fish even from the beginning. we can't really hide the fact that he LOVES acting cute :P SPARK'D =D

it was during the hari pelanggan thingie. we were all taking down the things from the walls and there was this styrofoam thingie which said "history maker". i forgot who started it but we started sticking it on each other. thus, i got this pic of haqim. i'd love to call this masterpiece: "gaya maker". hahaha it just sounds right. =)

this is basically the last pic i've taken of him. we were at riviera cafe and they just started pulling out their phone cams and taking pics of each other. i joined in the fun and got this shot =) as you can see, haqim was acting cute AGAIN. lol-ness.

friends are friends because they share something wonderful in common

friends are friends because they love each other for who they are and not what they are

friends are friends because there is an invisible bond that binds them together

friends are friends because you know they'll be there for you whenever you need them and vise versa.

friends are friends because no matter what, nothing can tear you apart, not even distance or time.

friends are friends because the friendship only becomes stronger after it has gone through the thickest of the thickest and the thinnest of the thinnest

friends, i've found mine. have you?

whitney.signing out.

hehe. i still won't make a post with his name but yeah, my friend, haqim, will be leaving for UK tomorrow.

save tonight and fight the break of dawn. come tomorrow, tomorrow i'll be gone.

yeah, he'll be gone tomorrow =( though we've been friends for only a few months... say in march or april till now? we've shared some cool memories together like constantly going to training and making fun of each other. psk! gawd i miss those times. interschool when he brought me to the mall and got called a loser for it. the hari pelanggan thingie where we had loads of fun. his bbq where we had even more fun. being there for me at one of my darkest days. farewell dinner steamboat and drinks after that... all seems little but mean so much to me in every single way.

friend. a word i'd rarely use on people. call me racist but i used to hate malays. most people around me should know it was due to a bad experience with an ex-classmate who was HUGE and who was a malay. but after spending time with people like haqim, joe, mizi, red and naz; i've really open up and learnt to embrace their culture and respect it. i am happy to call them my FRIENDS, better yet, GOOD friends.

good friends are hard to find and when you find them, cherish them, hold them tight with your two hands and hang in there as long as you can. sadly, when it is time for them to go, you've gotta loosen your grasp and let them go. everyone wants the best for themselves and as friends, we should always be there to support them. i'm 100% supportive tho it'll be hard to live by.

this is the 2nd time this year that i had to go through this. the first time, i never got the chance to write it down and fill this blog with my sorrows. this time, thank god, i can and i did.

nothing much else to say. just thought it was right to dedicate a post to my pal, haqim. :) i have a feeling he's gonna be really perasan when he sees this :P let's hope he dun too bangga in front of jas! hahahaha :P





whitney. signing out.

i'm sorry for the excessive use of foul language in my previous post. i'm feeling 20% better now.
why?
i) because thank god for created haqim to cheer me up, tho he'll be leaving in 2 days. =[
ii) listening to daniel gayingfield... opps! daniel bedingfield always makes everything better. =]

i guess i pushed myself too hard. i was too determined to forget something i know will take time and loads of distraction to get over. thus, i have decided to allow this feeling to haunt me for a little longer. at least for the final days of 3rd term. now i know, i'll always have daniel bedingfield to go to when i feel like a wreck. thank you, daniel bedingfield.

a friend of mine just reminded me how much i love this song just as i was going to change in a new direction and go with Ali Lohan. then i realize, nothing will ever replace If You're Not The One. it has too much memories. too much determination i put in to make sure i change anew. thus, i will love this song all my life.

dear friends, still, please don't tell me you read this. i don't wanna know. at least not now. i'll let you know when you can discuss this topic with me. as of now, the painful feeling is still haunting me... so... wish me luck in turning over a new leaf :)

i dedicated the name of this post to daniel bedingfield. for making me feel so much better when i was at the lowest point of my 16 year old life today. thank you.
p.s: i wouldn't call it haqim because i'm ignoring him on msn at the mo just to finish this post. hehe :P





whitney. signing out.

i vowed to myself never to write 2 posts in a day. today is an exception.

i promised this post won't be long.
i just needed a place to release this pain.

i opened msn. to my surprise, i saw something i never wanted to see. the last thing i wanted to see today... not today... was right in front of my face. i can't get that image out of my head. a brain has no corners so it's basically standing in the middle. i'm in pain and my superman is gone.

i regretted. i regretted looking for someone to chat with on msn. i regretted ever even signing in. now, the big cut is there, right in the middle of my heart. the pain, so unbearable.

fuck my previous post. i'm crying now. what to do? i expected too much from myself. too too much in a day. what was i thinking? did i think i was really able to forget this person that i have put my effort for for the past 8 months? pff. i must be joking.

yeah, i'm an emotional wreck. thank god someone invented blogger.
dear friends, if you read this, don't tell me. i don't wanna know you did. this post is strictly private and if you comment, i swear i'll fuck you.

enough. i had enough of being the dumb bitch. i had enough of being played. i had enough of taking orders from people that have no right to control my life. enough. enough is enough. i am taking control of my own life now. i am not in control. i am ugly for acting this way. i am a piece of shit. i am not me. NOT ME. you see this? I AM NOTHING. I AM NOBODY. I AM A LOSER.





nothing/nobody/loser. signing out.

unbelievable. it's been the best two ordinary days of my life. despite getting unsatisfied marks in my results(i deserved it becoz i din study and i din fail anyways :])

sunday: usually church in the morning. praised the lord for no comm class. got home in the afternoon and continued on maple. went out to steamboat with friends later on that night and had a blast.

DAY 1 OF NORMALITY. it was great. i felt a heavy weight of my shoulders.
firstly, because i got over that special someone :) i've always been trying too hard to forget him but surprisingly, facing him just 1 week later really made me look into his eyes and think, "wow. he really wasn't worth my tears." haha. yup, i'll be woman enough to admit that now, he wasn't worth my tears because he was such a great guy. great guy and also a great friend. and will be nothing more than a friend. someone shy but fun at the same time. someone naive but i believe will be there for me if i needed him at anytime anywhere. so that first and far most 2nd biggest problem in my life... SETTLED. jus like that! amazing :) so sunday, rounded off to a wonderful day.

monday: school in the morning. got back exam papers. were happy with some but also unhappy with others(test papers i mean). finally got a big slap in the face thinking that i have wasted my whole 3rd term on fussing about something that was beyond my control. wrote down all the things i was going to do before leaving for hongkong and is determined to finish as much as i can, day by day.

DAY 2 OF NORMALITY: i met my friend, despite the big comfrontation we had, i felt another weight off my shoulders. in my mind, i always thought i was the spare tyre and i will never be appreciated for all that i have sacrificed for this friend. today, monday, i opened my eyes wide and see, i was making myself the spare tyre. i was so desperate that i didn't ask for anything in return from this friend and i guess this friend just got used to not giving back. when i finally saw that he wasn't really giving back, i flipped and went crazy. today, monday, i opened my eyes wide for the first time and saw that i didn't need this shit. i spent the whole 3rd term thinking about this and today, monday, i was finally able to face this friend and not feel like tearing myself apart in front of this friend. it was one of the most amazing feelings. i don't know where this friend and i will go. which path we will partake in the future but one thing i know, i've gotta stop depending on this friend. stop revolving my life around this friend. stop being so desperate. stop expecting so much because that was the root of all my tears and sorrows. stop wondering if i mattered at all to this friend because i don't need and don't want to know the answer. just stop everything and tell myself everyday that i will make it through without this friend being my life support. i guess i was the way i was because i missed this other friend. thankyou for leaving me this-other-friend. without ur departure, i wouldn't have learnt all this today. i wouldn't be typing this now. i wouldn't have grown and be independent. i need no one. no one is indespensible. everybody will leave you sooner or later. why cry over someone who isn't worth your tears? why cry over someone who wouldn't cry for you? why cry for someone who doesn't understand you the way you want them to? why cry over someone who cries for someone else? it's not worth it. nothing is.

i have made up my mind. to never cry for people not worth my tears. to never be a dumb bitch and live the horrible, suffering, painful life i lived for the past few months. to never ever EVER go back. never ever ever endure that stupidity again. never will i do that ever again.

enough. i had enough of being the dumb bitch. i had enough of being played. i had enough of taking orders from people that have no right to control my life. enough. enough is enough. i am taking control of my own life now. i am in control. i am beautiful the way i am. i am superior. i am me. ME. you see this? I AM ME.




whitney. signing out.

i've pictured myself writing this blog for over ten times. in these ten times, only the faces of two people floated about in my brain. a special someone and a friend. against all odds... begins :)

i've been obssessed with this song recently. another friend of mine called him Daniel Gayingfield, (grr you!) but i call him, Daniel Bedingfield :) If You're Not The One was his only famous song i could recall. i used to think this song was gay too but as i gave it a second go a few days ago, i fell deeply in love with it like it swept me off my feet without knowing it. the sensation this song gave to me was magical, phantasmal beyond words.

well, dear readers, if you bothered at all looking at my msn nic and seeing this new blog, clicking in the title of my blogspot and reading my blog even though you know it is going to be bloody long, i guess you'd also have the patience to read every single line of the lyrics that i am about to key in. trust me, if you felt the way i feel, you would understand each sentence and you would have cried along with me. then i'd have a friend to cry with. which... would be odd... i think?

"i try and i try and i try... nobody likes me =("

lolness. my baby bro, justin, said that random sentence from this ducky thingie in tom and jerry which made me giggle to my deathbed. tomorrow is the exams for combined science, it may seem easy for the science class geeks maybe but it's so so for me. i had two days to study and i din use those 2 days. tomorrow is the exam, it is exactly 10.50pm now and i havent started studying. so, if i do fail, i'm proud enough to say i deserve it.

gosh, doesn't my title sound so bloody emo? it's actually lyrics to a song which goes like this:

i cry silently
i cry inside of me
i cry hopelessly
cause' i know i'll never breathe your love again.

ok fine, the lyrics as a whole is emo but u cant blame me, its exactly how i feel =) CORRECTION! it's exactly how i FELT.

bringing myself back to the moment where i was crying. it just struck me so hard that i may never be able to find love. i know i might be a little young to say this but yes, i dont think i'll ever find it.

i sort of regretted, doing what i did, but i did. if i didn't, there would have been a slight possible chance that something good might have happened for us. but at the point, i guess i wasnt thinking rasionally. thinking back, i can still rerun the feelings i had when i made that decision. how much i wanted him to know, how much i wished something would happen.

tho, nothing did, tho, i do regret, what is done is done. i wont go back and flip the previous page and try and erase it with an eraser and rewrite the previous page. i know i cant do that and i wont becoz thinking back, i dont really regret doing what i did. at least he now knows how i feel, tho nothing will ever ever EVER happen anymore.

this sort of also gives me a great chance to write a new chapter. i always do whenever i decide to kick someone outta my life. im not kicking him out but i did invite him outta it. ignoring him as much as i can (tho it hurts), not being around where he is all the time (tho i wanna be) and just literally keeping distance and try to smile without him (tho its so god damn difficult). yesterday, i was able to pull through (tho it hurted like hell). those who were there, guess found it quite unobvious. i'm usually good at hiding my sorrows, especially in front of the lead character and gang so... i'm not worried =) tho, i guess most of you have NO IDEA what im talking about now.

a part of me still finds it comforting that i still have him as a friend i can SORT OF depend on. the other part of me knows its all over and that i should just keep my distance and move on. i'm sticking to the other part and really, really really... start writing a new chapter of my life. a chapter without him and his gang. without the people i love hanging around with... without them... WITHOUT them...

how am i going to do it? simple. there is no reason why we will meet up soon so i guess thats going to be a good chance for me to really cool down... i think? i dont know. lolness.

ACTUALLY... i have no idea what im talking about now... T_T and thats just sad...

to be honest... i wasnt really given much time to recover... it still hurts whenever i think about it and i've noticed that i've not been able to focus at all... i can see myself back to the scene where i was crying alone in desperation for help and yet no help came my way. the tears that ran down my cheeks were heavy and almost blood, shortly, i had only given myself 2 mins to recover from my 20mins of pouring rain and went back inside. that really really sucked, especially when i lived through that horrifying moment alone but what the heck? i know time will heal me soon enough... when that happens, i hope i'll be outta brunei and be at the land down under =)

will i really be able to pick myself up from this downfall? i dont know but as of now, this is my confession, no, i havent recovered. not at all. not a single bit. i may sound or look like i have but i havent and its hurting more and more day by day now that i know theres no reason for me to see him and more the reasons for him to be completely outta my life... wonderful! just wonderful...

i miss his smile, the way he would smile back at me when i throw lame jokes at him.
-DELETE FROM WHII.DATA-
i miss the way he carries himself in a crowd, always the one whom everyone can depend on
-DELETE FROM WHII.DATA-
i miss the first time we met, those little moments we shared
-DELETE FROM WHII.DATA-
lastly, i miss him... everything about him
-DELETE FROM WHII.DATA-

those files are still in the recycling bin. the day i get over him would be the day the rubbish bin will be emptied. so far, its still there. waiting to be deleted...

last week, during coms class. we were suppose to imagine our moment with jesus at your favourite place to be. as some know, a crisis struck me last week and thus i wrote this short paragraph of emo-ness words.

"I felt most at home in the room of a friend of mine. We recently parted ways and there is still an unhealed wound in me. i felt myself floating back to that room, alone. i saw jesus appear by the bed i was laying on, his bed, and jesus' appearance was a blur. i saw myself, with my back facing him, weeping with pain that cease to fade. i saw him putting his hand on my head and he comforted me. he told me that time will heal my wound and he'll be with me every step of the way. it was more than enough. i felt him sitting there for a little longer while i continued to weep. as i felt him leaving, i stood up from the bed and went on my knees, begging him to stay. he looked me in the eyes, took my hands and squeezed them. he smiled and said, "I love you." then, i found myself floating back to this room"

this room = the room i was having my com class in.

just a little something i wanna share with everyone. nothing much. =)

anyways, relli gotta go study now =( will blog soon when something dramastic happens. hahaha :P




whitney. signing out

how do i stop myself from loving you so? i don't know. it just seems as if whenever i feel so great being around you, something is there to bring me down. man, why do you have to be so handsome? why do you have to be so nice? why do you have to be so nice to me?

please don't think i'm in love with your friend because you're the one i love. a month ago, i seriously thought this feelings were just temporary. one month later, i found out that they're still there, hanging on by a thin thread. as thin as this thread may seem, it's strong. strong enough to give me to courage to tell you. just when i expected this thread to be strong, it broke and thus, you still have no idea that i love you so.

how do i get over you? i'm fighting with a bunch of beauty babes that i will never be able to compare with. as sad as i may sound, it's a fact. there's no where i can get to you, you're just to far away, too far up in the air.

what prevents me from seeing you? the distance that we have. the fact that if it wasn't for a certain activity, we wouldn't have even met, i wouldn't even have redug up this feelings for you and thus, i would have been a calmer person. now, you have once again crashed into my life like a boomerang and i'm just too heavy hearted to throw you away. you're just too beautiful, inside and out.

god, i never thought i would love you so much but i do. i would never call it love if i don't feel it but i do and it's getting the best of me. i need you... with me... now...

how will i ever get over you? only time will tell. only time can reduce this love i have for you... this raging feeling of wanting to talk to you whenver i see you. this raging feeling of wanting to make you laugh so that you'd show off your beautiful smile. this raging feeling of wanting to be near you, feeling your presence and asking myself why in the first place i even set eyes on you.

it was love at first sight. and i curse and swear on why it had to last so long and it had to last so deep. you're such an amazing guy. who wouldn't love you.

i know i have competition, which i would never be able to fight. i know there's no way of winning you, but i still cling to false hopes. i don't know what has gotten into me. i need to get over you.

"i hope we could just be friends." something i really wish i could look you in the eye and tell you. when in my heart, all i wanna say is, "please let us be more than friends."

what is going to happen from tomorrow onwards? back to not seeing you or hearing from you again? i know that feeling is going to torture me... not being able to see you smile, hear you laugh and feel your presence. god, please kill me now...

how am i suppose to get over you? now that i have fallen so so so deep... i don't know... oh god, i really don't know...



whitney. signing out.

it's been a good 2 minutes since my previous post. i'm feeling better :)

yeah, a part of me is like that. i'm just happy to share. it's to show that my life is not a fairytale nor issit something fun. i'm feeling much better. thankyou blogger.

i still dont know what i want. despite what people tell me. as of now, i guess i have to count each step i take. hopefully, i wont make any wrong moves.

"i'm happy... i'm happy... i'm happy..."
it's all i can do now. what else can i tell myself?

about this GUY. i think giving up would be the best solution. i don't know. but yeah, i'm gonna give up. i choose staying single over being desperate. i was never good at being desperate. thank god, for it.


feeling much better... at least i think i do... what do you think? comment me. don't leave your identity. i don't wanna know who you are. :)





still trying to find herself. signing out.

haha. i guess by now, you'd be bored of the fact that i always change the name of my blogspot but it is i-dunno-what-i-want now because i am really in a point of my life where i dont know what i want at all, and when i say that... i literally mean every aspect of my life.

there's nothing much to say today. tho, i had loads of fun today. it's been a while since i had fun. A WHILE.

i have been feeling quite emo today. thoughts of suicide, death and hell has been flooding my mind. it's not easy fighting these thoughts and i have learnt the art of being able to accept this flow so hiding it is ever easier :) i actually imagined myself not being apart of this world. what a serenity it would be. still, i exist and i'm making hell in everyone's lives. i'm sorry.

this is an emo post. please bare with me. in the state of emo-ness, i wish i could cut myself but i'm afraid of both pain and blood. instead, i drown myself with thoughts of dead. enough to kill me, praying that i won't wake up tomorrow.

i guess it's back to badminton. i'm pretty sure i'll miss discus. it has brought me wonderful friends and memories. more reasons to be emo about it. i've been using the word "emo" too much. FUCK.

the passion for badminton is slowing drying up. in the midst of it all, i'm starting to really fall apart. tho, a part of me has gotta be strong for recent reasons. reasons that are not to be shared with you. reasons you are not to know. you know who you are.

why am i even a part of this world? why do i have these suicidal thoughts? why am i so unhappy with life? i don't know.

what is your next move, whitney? what are you going to do next, whitney? how are you going to solve this, whitney? c'mon whitney, tell me watcha gonna do? FUCK, I DON'T KNOW. i just don't know, ok?

i still have to be strong. i believe my day will come. whereas, i would learn to be strong. i would learn to be positive. i would learn to cherish. i would learn to love. my day... when will it arrive?

what is wrong with me today? this is not me. or is it? who am i? i really don't know. i think i need a psychologist. maybe i am going crazy. what do you think? what would you think? i don't know.

i might delete this post when i feel better about myself. as of now, i feel like im a bitch.



a sad old bitch.






a ghost who doesn't know what she/he wants. signing out

there's NOTHING to do. now that all sports are over. glad that the stress is over but kinda sad that i wont have a reason to go to mumong and meet the friends i just made throught this whole experience. haqim for one, god i'm gonna miss that "loser" haha :P mizi and ermin's next :) they were D BOMB.

1) why is haqim called the loser?
31st aug - i finished my discus event(got 4th :[ ) and he was there so i told him to drive me out for fun. we went to the mall and on our way back to the stadium, he told me that everything in life is a competition, even when it comes to overtaking cars on a dual lane. so he tried to overtake this car and he FAILED GLORIOUSLY. and hence, haqim is a loser :)

typical haqim-ish line: HAHAHA! You been punk! hahaha!
(lol isn't it? i know.)

2) why are mizi and ermin D BOMB?
no specific date actually. the fact that mizi has got LOADS of nickname?
i) superman by ZURRU
ii) ultraman by WHITENEY(yours truly :D)
iii) retainer boy by MONKEYTING
and that he's just fun. and that i stole his baller id :P i din steal it, i took it with permission :) and im not planning to give it back~ -evil grin-
ermin? he's just "HANDSOME". handsome, what i call him, made him laugh like a nutso over the phone :D

god, now tat all this is over, i dont think i'll see them in the near future. byebye friends. byebye mumong. byebye. =)

i'm just bored and hence, i decided to write about them. some really cool people i met while in mumong. :) it's been a while since i met at all, "nice" people so i felt it was worth it to have a post about them. :)





here's a song i'd like all who are reading to listen to

i asked myself if i was ever important to you. if i ever meant anything to you or was i ever ANYTHING at all to you. the answers that ran through my head all came back negative. it is sickening that i think about this everyday. more and more everyday. more and more pain everyday. i couldnt believe i broke down and cried over this. i could have just treated as if i didnt care about you and just moved on. i couldnt and i didnt. "just continue contributing, whi. dont expect anything in return," says my baby. famous last word: easier said than done.

its really tiring. it takes up a big part of my brain and power everyday. it controls my emotions and the way i act around people. i feel like avoiding the world. i feel like just leaving this school in hopes of finding a new place and a new life. tho, that would most likely not happen.

i have to honestly admit that i am nothing but lost now. what am i suppose to do next? where do i go next? where do i stand next? where do i stand in your heart? am i just a piece of shit that you can throw around? a piece of shit that you dont appreciate? a piece of shit that is nothing but a burden to you? great, i am officially a piece of shit. what a great way to continue my life.

i havent been having too much problems recently and maybe i was used to the pampering. now, there is honestly nothing left for me to do than break down in silence. break down in a sense that you would not get hurt while i am expressing myself. the last thing i'd ever want is to hurt you again. though you will most likely never know the pain you have caused me over the time. and in the future, i guess you will never understand either. tho, i dont think i will ever blame you. i blame myself for not being brave enough. i blame myself for being so stupid and blind. i blame myself for loving you too much as a friend. i blame myself for caring too much about you as a friend. i blame myself for even allowing myself for being friends with you in the first place.

"its what happens when you get attached to someone really quickly. the other person would usually not understand, whi." says my other baby. i guess im just fucked up.

i smile to hide the tears away, i smile to prevent myself from thinking too much. music brainwashes me from crying and is my only cure so far.

am i jealous? nah. im actually in a state where i am fully ready to let go. at least thats what you'll see. but will you really really see? that, i dont know.

pain... something i have always been afraid of, yet, its the thing i live with everyday. tears, something i have always hated, yet, they were shed because you not-knowingly hurt me. avoid, something i expect myself to never ever do, yet, not a single gut in me dares to speak out.

i guess imma havta leave it this way for the time being. tho, it feels a little better now that i have said all the things i have wanted to say. i would die with no regrets. i would leave this school with no regrets. i would leave you with no regrets.

maybe i might leave chms. kl has always been my no.1 choice. hurm, will that plan be put into action?i guess we'll all just have to wait and see.

i believe its time i move on. just when i thought my life was back on track, it all falls apart again. GREAT. still, i really think its time i move on. when will i ever move on? i really dont know. i know i will but i just dont know when. i hope its soon, because i cant live in this pain anymore. it wears me out more and more everyday. takes up a little bit of me more and more everyday. eats me up more and more everyday. its tiring. very tiring. i am tired.






its tiring.



very tiring.



very very tiring.






i am tired.