je vous vois.

i feel like a complete idiot... was it because i don't act desperate like she does? i don't know. it's obvious i don't have a little of your attention anymore and she has it ALL even now that you're not where we are. whatever... i have nothing to say. you know who you are. you know who she is. if you're smart, you'd know why i feel like a complete idiot. being fooled, thinking that maybe you liked me a little more than her. obviously you don't. so, go. go to her. go on. need a hint, friend? friendster. yes, everything starts with it. EVERYTHING ALWAYS DOES. yes, i sense jealousy in me, thats why i need to emo it out. no, i'm not obssessed with you or as in love with you as she is but now i'm wondering if you lied to me in front of my face for the whole time that i've known you. here's to goodbye for the time being. i don't think i'll be able to face you, the face who once i thought was my friend, a close friend, rather, is now the face of a liar.




i don't know what else to say. i wish i could emo a little more but thats all i could come up with. i really don't wanna curse. it's not good.






whitney. unhappily signing out.

i was in the taxi on the way to kowloon from hong kong disneyland. the taxi driver starts playing My Heart Will Go On - Celine Dion and i go "OH NO!". after that song, M2M started playing and i deliberately felt like ripping all my hair out. not that i didn't like those songs but i really wasn't in the mood for any of that at the moment. so... i began flipping through songs in my ipod. i came to letter T and flipped to the song The Man Who Can't Be Moved - The Script. i forgot when i downloaded this song but i must have thought it was worth listening to even bothering listening.


so i shut my eye...

pressed the middle button on my ipod and leant back to the uncomfortable seat...

i felt this rush of adrenalin and paid attention to each and every word of the song...

i repeated the song over and over again and began to fall in love with it...

if you care, read the lyrics and understand what it means, better yet, give it a listen and understand how i feel...

Going back to the corner where I first saw you,
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag I'm not gonna move,
Got some words on cardboard got your picture in my hand,
Saying if you see this girl can you tell her where I am,
Some try to hand me money they don't understand, I
'm not...broke I'm just a broken hearted man,
I know it makes no sense, but what else can I do,
How can I move on when I'm still in love with you...

Cos if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me,
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be,
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet,
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.

So I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

Policeman says son you can't stay here, I
said there's someone I'm waiting for if it's a day, a month, a year,
Gotta stand my ground even if it rains or snows,
If she changes her mind this is the first place she will go.

Cos if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me,
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be,
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet,
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.

So I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.
I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

People talk about the guy
Who's waiting on a girl...
Oohoohwoo
There are no holes in his shoes
But a big hole in his world...
Hmmmmand

maybe I'll get famous as man who can't be moved,
And maybe you won't mean to but you'll see me on the news,
And you'll come running to the corner...
Cos you'll know it's just for you

I'm the man who can't be moved
I'm the man who can't be moved...

Cos if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me,
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be,
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet,
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.

[Repeat in background]So I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

Going back to the corner where I first saw you,
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag not I'm not gonna move.




whitney.signing out.

when patrick the starfish dumped spongebob squarepants for a java chip whipped cream chocolate syrup frappucino grande =3

whitney. signing out.

it's about 12.53am now and i don't intend to sleep tonight. firstly, i gotta find mooncake pictures for fe, secondly, i gotta find a new friendster background for my friendster profile. third, i need a place to emo out my unhappy feelings.

hmm. i'm still missing fishie. maybe it's just me, but its really rare for me to find TRUE friends that actually stick around. i thought i found one after Ape left but that one had to go somehow too... and now, fishie is leaving too... well technically he's already left... ='(

wow. its 2.46am now. in between that, i was looking for pictures and chatting with fishie. apparently, i was upset becoz of NOTHING. i feel so pathetic and ashamed of feeling the way i did for the whole evening and night. how could i have thought of fishie that way? hmm... i guess it's because it has happened to me too many times and thus, insecurities is inevitable. anyways, fishie and i are back on track! yay! i missed him as a friend so much today. and i know jas did too. we all miss u, fishie. and by the time you read this, plz dun be too bangga! and dun gila cucuk! hahahaha.

like i said above, true friends are hard to find. when you find them, grasp them tight and hold on as long as you can. don't let go because of stupid little things. don't let go because of insecurities.
with that, i feel like a hiporcrit about my previous close friend but sadly, there's no turning back to that one. not to back to where we stopped, at least. there are plenty more fishes in the sea, "they" say. i believe so too. with this, i believe i will find more true friends in the future. friends who are not afraid to depend on you when they're weak and are not afraid to be depended on when you're weak. that's the kind of friend i'm looking for. everything works both ways, i believe. friendships does too. it's what keep a friendship stronger, healthier, better.

that's what me and fe and sue have gone through and are proud of having gone through so many things. ups and downs. all are needed in a friendship but when you fall, you gotta know to get up. you gotta know how to clear up the mess. i think fe and sue have done a really great job keeping this friendship well. we made it through no matter what was being thrown at us. looking back, despite the tears, i'm so proud of what the 3 of us have become today. it's amazing, guys. indescribably amazing.

this is something i got from sue's friendster profile:
hmmm... love laughing over funny n stupid things.... love lazing around... get attached to people very fast... n tend to miss people easily as well....loove doing naughty stuff with my cousins(my 'criminal' partners, haaha)....dun worry i m also sumone whom anyone can talk to seriously....

haha... in more ways than other, we're alike. but it seems, i get attached to people quicker than she does and i miss the people i get attached to ever more easily. don't worry. i am someone you can talk to seriously too... so serious, that i hope my advice to the friends i advice to, make sense.

with her, she gets really attached to anyone really quickly. as for me, it takes time and when i do, there's no stopping me from holding back the things i wanna contribute to this person. thats something i love and hate about myself but oh well... thats just me...

here's something i got from a friend's nic and pm:
how do i say goodbye to someone i never really had? why do my tears fall so endlessly for someone who was never really mine?
why is it i miss someone i was never really with?and why do i love someone whose love was never really mine?

emo isn't it? to me, it's deep and meaningful. i love everything about it. i mean those 4 sentences... as of now, i'm single and happy. but i guess when i do havta go through the rollercoaster ride of falling in love, i'd look back at these 4 sentences and start crying again.
btw, i cry in the showers most of the time. something i think i have to confess.


hais. haven't found myself a pet name though. that sucks. oh well, i didn't really feel this post but since i began, i had to end it properly. nights all. i don't think i'll be sleeping anyways. -3.03am-






whitney. signing out.

seems as if today is SoOoOoOo boring

suddenly i feel this heavy weight sitting on my heart like a big sumo's ass.
could it be because of excess gaming today? hmm. maybe not.
could it be because of boredom? hmm. so so.
could it be because of someone and someone? haha. could be but doubt it. i'm not the type who would be jealous.

anyways. i'm just bored and tired. missing ape(his new name) and fishie.

i've decided to give myself a pet name. to differenciate the real me and the emo me here. i guess it's for the best. i don't wanna confuse this two identities because i dont wanna bring the emo me to the real me who is cheerful and straightforwardly bitchy most of the time :P so... any suggestions? please post some names at shoutout! =D





whitney.signing out.

muahahaha!
well, i didn't have a lot of pics of L, due to the fact that he would always delete it whenever i have any at all and that he'd knew where i hide my things or how i rename them on my lappie. he threatens me to never post them in public places "or else..." his "or else" creeps me out becoz the last time, erm... i'd rather not talk about it. hehe. as for mr.haqim! muakaka! i i've got a few pics of him and thus, i'm posting them! muahahaha! with his permission larh :P he's mr.niceguy2 so i doubt he'll mind. plus, i'm pretty sure he'll be perasan-ing that i treasure him so much! hahaha! so important that got 2 post dedicated to him kaliarh! hais. bo bien, i love that loser (as a friend, nothing more arh jas, dun misunderstand! i still wanna live :P). sadly, he'll be leaving ALL OF US(grrr) on 11th september 2008 7.10pm(as said in his msn pm) for UK to study Sports Science(yeahhhsehhhmannn :P) so here goes: my friend, haqim loser the fish.

that's the first pic i ever took of haqim. we were all sitting at the living room of the game village administration building. suddenly! haqim takes out this devil horns thingie which shined! i couldn't resist so decided to take a picture of him. it was hilarious. i had the time of my life just laughing at him =)

this was the bus ride on our way back to mumong from bandar. i was sitting behind loser and then one of the girls took out this chinese paper in which they had to memorize for a competition. fishie grabbed the paper and started making up his own words. another memory worth remembering and another picture worth taking.

the little furry thing at haqim's shoulders is cynthia's teddy. and ru's hand with her ex-phone. haqim wanted to be a fish even from the beginning. we can't really hide the fact that he LOVES acting cute :P SPARK'D =D

it was during the hari pelanggan thingie. we were all taking down the things from the walls and there was this styrofoam thingie which said "history maker". i forgot who started it but we started sticking it on each other. thus, i got this pic of haqim. i'd love to call this masterpiece: "gaya maker". hahaha it just sounds right. =)

this is basically the last pic i've taken of him. we were at riviera cafe and they just started pulling out their phone cams and taking pics of each other. i joined in the fun and got this shot =) as you can see, haqim was acting cute AGAIN. lol-ness.

friends are friends because they share something wonderful in common

friends are friends because they love each other for who they are and not what they are

friends are friends because there is an invisible bond that binds them together

friends are friends because you know they'll be there for you whenever you need them and vise versa.

friends are friends because no matter what, nothing can tear you apart, not even distance or time.

friends are friends because the friendship only becomes stronger after it has gone through the thickest of the thickest and the thinnest of the thinnest

friends, i've found mine. have you?

whitney.signing out.

hehe. i still won't make a post with his name but yeah, my friend, haqim, will be leaving for UK tomorrow.

save tonight and fight the break of dawn. come tomorrow, tomorrow i'll be gone.

yeah, he'll be gone tomorrow =( though we've been friends for only a few months... say in march or april till now? we've shared some cool memories together like constantly going to training and making fun of each other. psk! gawd i miss those times. interschool when he brought me to the mall and got called a loser for it. the hari pelanggan thingie where we had loads of fun. his bbq where we had even more fun. being there for me at one of my darkest days. farewell dinner steamboat and drinks after that... all seems little but mean so much to me in every single way.

friend. a word i'd rarely use on people. call me racist but i used to hate malays. most people around me should know it was due to a bad experience with an ex-classmate who was HUGE and who was a malay. but after spending time with people like haqim, joe, mizi, red and naz; i've really open up and learnt to embrace their culture and respect it. i am happy to call them my FRIENDS, better yet, GOOD friends.

good friends are hard to find and when you find them, cherish them, hold them tight with your two hands and hang in there as long as you can. sadly, when it is time for them to go, you've gotta loosen your grasp and let them go. everyone wants the best for themselves and as friends, we should always be there to support them. i'm 100% supportive tho it'll be hard to live by.

this is the 2nd time this year that i had to go through this. the first time, i never got the chance to write it down and fill this blog with my sorrows. this time, thank god, i can and i did.

nothing much else to say. just thought it was right to dedicate a post to my pal, haqim. :) i have a feeling he's gonna be really perasan when he sees this :P let's hope he dun too bangga in front of jas! hahahaha :P





whitney. signing out.

i'm sorry for the excessive use of foul language in my previous post. i'm feeling 20% better now.
why?
i) because thank god for created haqim to cheer me up, tho he'll be leaving in 2 days. =[
ii) listening to daniel gayingfield... opps! daniel bedingfield always makes everything better. =]

i guess i pushed myself too hard. i was too determined to forget something i know will take time and loads of distraction to get over. thus, i have decided to allow this feeling to haunt me for a little longer. at least for the final days of 3rd term. now i know, i'll always have daniel bedingfield to go to when i feel like a wreck. thank you, daniel bedingfield.

a friend of mine just reminded me how much i love this song just as i was going to change in a new direction and go with Ali Lohan. then i realize, nothing will ever replace If You're Not The One. it has too much memories. too much determination i put in to make sure i change anew. thus, i will love this song all my life.

dear friends, still, please don't tell me you read this. i don't wanna know. at least not now. i'll let you know when you can discuss this topic with me. as of now, the painful feeling is still haunting me... so... wish me luck in turning over a new leaf :)

i dedicated the name of this post to daniel bedingfield. for making me feel so much better when i was at the lowest point of my 16 year old life today. thank you.
p.s: i wouldn't call it haqim because i'm ignoring him on msn at the mo just to finish this post. hehe :P





whitney. signing out.

i vowed to myself never to write 2 posts in a day. today is an exception.

i promised this post won't be long.
i just needed a place to release this pain.

i opened msn. to my surprise, i saw something i never wanted to see. the last thing i wanted to see today... not today... was right in front of my face. i can't get that image out of my head. a brain has no corners so it's basically standing in the middle. i'm in pain and my superman is gone.

i regretted. i regretted looking for someone to chat with on msn. i regretted ever even signing in. now, the big cut is there, right in the middle of my heart. the pain, so unbearable.

fuck my previous post. i'm crying now. what to do? i expected too much from myself. too too much in a day. what was i thinking? did i think i was really able to forget this person that i have put my effort for for the past 8 months? pff. i must be joking.

yeah, i'm an emotional wreck. thank god someone invented blogger.
dear friends, if you read this, don't tell me. i don't wanna know you did. this post is strictly private and if you comment, i swear i'll fuck you.

enough. i had enough of being the dumb bitch. i had enough of being played. i had enough of taking orders from people that have no right to control my life. enough. enough is enough. i am taking control of my own life now. i am not in control. i am ugly for acting this way. i am a piece of shit. i am not me. NOT ME. you see this? I AM NOTHING. I AM NOBODY. I AM A LOSER.





nothing/nobody/loser. signing out.

unbelievable. it's been the best two ordinary days of my life. despite getting unsatisfied marks in my results(i deserved it becoz i din study and i din fail anyways :])

sunday: usually church in the morning. praised the lord for no comm class. got home in the afternoon and continued on maple. went out to steamboat with friends later on that night and had a blast.

DAY 1 OF NORMALITY. it was great. i felt a heavy weight of my shoulders.
firstly, because i got over that special someone :) i've always been trying too hard to forget him but surprisingly, facing him just 1 week later really made me look into his eyes and think, "wow. he really wasn't worth my tears." haha. yup, i'll be woman enough to admit that now, he wasn't worth my tears because he was such a great guy. great guy and also a great friend. and will be nothing more than a friend. someone shy but fun at the same time. someone naive but i believe will be there for me if i needed him at anytime anywhere. so that first and far most 2nd biggest problem in my life... SETTLED. jus like that! amazing :) so sunday, rounded off to a wonderful day.

monday: school in the morning. got back exam papers. were happy with some but also unhappy with others(test papers i mean). finally got a big slap in the face thinking that i have wasted my whole 3rd term on fussing about something that was beyond my control. wrote down all the things i was going to do before leaving for hongkong and is determined to finish as much as i can, day by day.

DAY 2 OF NORMALITY: i met my friend, despite the big comfrontation we had, i felt another weight off my shoulders. in my mind, i always thought i was the spare tyre and i will never be appreciated for all that i have sacrificed for this friend. today, monday, i opened my eyes wide and see, i was making myself the spare tyre. i was so desperate that i didn't ask for anything in return from this friend and i guess this friend just got used to not giving back. when i finally saw that he wasn't really giving back, i flipped and went crazy. today, monday, i opened my eyes wide for the first time and saw that i didn't need this shit. i spent the whole 3rd term thinking about this and today, monday, i was finally able to face this friend and not feel like tearing myself apart in front of this friend. it was one of the most amazing feelings. i don't know where this friend and i will go. which path we will partake in the future but one thing i know, i've gotta stop depending on this friend. stop revolving my life around this friend. stop being so desperate. stop expecting so much because that was the root of all my tears and sorrows. stop wondering if i mattered at all to this friend because i don't need and don't want to know the answer. just stop everything and tell myself everyday that i will make it through without this friend being my life support. i guess i was the way i was because i missed this other friend. thankyou for leaving me this-other-friend. without ur departure, i wouldn't have learnt all this today. i wouldn't be typing this now. i wouldn't have grown and be independent. i need no one. no one is indespensible. everybody will leave you sooner or later. why cry over someone who isn't worth your tears? why cry over someone who wouldn't cry for you? why cry for someone who doesn't understand you the way you want them to? why cry over someone who cries for someone else? it's not worth it. nothing is.

i have made up my mind. to never cry for people not worth my tears. to never be a dumb bitch and live the horrible, suffering, painful life i lived for the past few months. to never ever EVER go back. never ever ever endure that stupidity again. never will i do that ever again.

enough. i had enough of being the dumb bitch. i had enough of being played. i had enough of taking orders from people that have no right to control my life. enough. enough is enough. i am taking control of my own life now. i am in control. i am beautiful the way i am. i am superior. i am me. ME. you see this? I AM ME.




whitney. signing out.

i've pictured myself writing this blog for over ten times. in these ten times, only the faces of two people floated about in my brain. a special someone and a friend. against all odds... begins :)

i've been obssessed with this song recently. another friend of mine called him Daniel Gayingfield, (grr you!) but i call him, Daniel Bedingfield :) If You're Not The One was his only famous song i could recall. i used to think this song was gay too but as i gave it a second go a few days ago, i fell deeply in love with it like it swept me off my feet without knowing it. the sensation this song gave to me was magical, phantasmal beyond words.

well, dear readers, if you bothered at all looking at my msn nic and seeing this new blog, clicking in the title of my blogspot and reading my blog even though you know it is going to be bloody long, i guess you'd also have the patience to read every single line of the lyrics that i am about to key in. trust me, if you felt the way i feel, you would understand each sentence and you would have cried along with me. then i'd have a friend to cry with. which... would be odd... i think?