i am weak. or so you say. without even knowing the entire story, you think i'm weak. what a big joke.
everybody is weak. you. me. he. she. we. them.
Everybody.
just because i appear to be strong around you, doesn't mean that i don't have my bad days. don't you have your bad days too? who are you to call me weak? who the fuck do you think you are?
we have all made mistakes in life. some we will regret forever. some we will learn lessons from. my biggest mistake was thinking that you could give him happiness when all you did was just be stupid.
i handed him over to you on a diamond encrusted platter and instead of treasuring him, you ruined him. you need to go see a psychiatrist.
just because i show my weaker side here, doesn't mean i'm weak. have you never noticed the gap between my posts, you imbecile? what the fuck do you think happens between that time span? that i freaking cut my wrist all day and take pills to show how fucking emo i am? you couldn't be anymore fucking wrong.
i am happy. i am strong. i am me. you have no fucking right to judge otherwise.
so fuck you, bitch. there, that's my 2 cents. and if you'll excuse me, it's time for me to go be happy and go clubbing. unlike you, who is probably being a stupid stalker right now.
growing up, i've always had a silly daydream like all the other children who live in the tropical region of our planet Earth. i've always wished Brunei would snow. like Canada. i've been to Canada only once in my life and it was when i was very young. i think i was probably 6 or 7 years old but once you've seen snow, you'll never ever forget it.
it feels like ages ago since i blogged. it probably hasn't been that long but it sure feels like it. anyhow, it's good to be back! though when i do come back, it usually means i don't have nice things to say.
it was a relationship only my nearest and dearest knew about. it was something i was so protective over. for a while, it was all i thought about, dreamt about, spoke about and breathed about. and then it ended - so abruptly - before i had the chance to redeem myself, before i had the chance to tell him i love him.
it is currently 1.42a.m. same location, same position as yesterday but somehow different feeling. more tired most definitely. and the below paragraphs will tell you why.
i am sitting alone in my bed. it is 3.49am as i am typing this sentence. the A.C. is making lots of noise due to the fact that i've left it on 16 degrees for the past few hours in this small room. i am somewhat half lying half sitting on my bed. i'm shaking my legs like a boss. my tattoo is a little itchy and i am somewhat, tempted to scratch it. this is my blog. i suppose i can say whatever the hell i want.
remember i said i would do anything to cry and let the pain out? well i did it.
there are no words for the emotions i'm feeling now.
i'll try to make this post fast because in a few minutes, i need to get my butt to badminton.
my tummy is cramping very bad right now. jeez, NOT PMS. i guess when i woke up this morning, i stretched a little too far and thus, worst tummy cramp i've had in a long long time. anyways, hello everyone! it feels like forever since i've been here. if you're wondering what i did for new year, i went clubbing for the 2nd time in my life. it was fun but bizarrely tiring. i've had a couple more stints at partying after that but i'm just not one for too much hard liquor and dancing till you sweat as if you're under the hot sun. i may not be too old yet but i'd very much like to say: "i'm too old for this."
i'm currently in school and having nothing to do like how it usually is, i'm here blogging about my life. my bestgalpal isn't here today for some reason and that makes me lonely. i hope i can make it through the tummy cramps and write about what i intended to write about in the first place.
i was encountered with this a couple of days ago too. i don't know why i didn't feel about blogging that one. maybe it was because i know the possibility level of it was just nil. that one was just a little too private and a little too impossible. at least this time, i could see it. i could taste it and actually wished that it would happen. i guess that's the difference between puppy love and what i consider somewhat very close to the real deal.
Cast:
Me
Family from my father's side
Guy A - the one i eventually marry
Guy B - handsome looking bloke and a friend.
Guy C - a friend of mine and Guy B who i don't exactly have a thing for but we've been friends for so long so how can there not be a sense of comfortableness?
by now you can probably guess that it's a dream. if you couldn't then maybe you just don't know me well enough. i won't reveal too much as sort of an introduction so i'll just get straight to it.
i begin the dream not really knowing how i got there, just like all the dreams i've had before. we were all apparently at a resort, my family and i. Guy A seemed to be there too but for some reason, i was avoiding him and i could sense that i was scared. eventually i realize that he was a selfish man. he was selfish and possessive. he wanted me all for himself. i wasn't going to have any of that. i wasn't going to take his crap. i avoided him as much as i could, so far i could remember but a part of me knew that i truly loved him and even now in reality, i still somewhat do. Guy A is a tall and handsome man. others may not think he's handsome but to me, he could do. i've only met the guy once in my life so there's really not much else i remember. eventually it all began to rub off. he was gentle and protective - my magic man, if you would. my family was nothing but all smiles at the resort and somehow, we eventually got married. then there was a change of scenery and i was back home parking my car. i remember leaning my head on the steering wheel and just thinking to myself: breathe, whitney. there's nothing to be afraid of, you can do this. i then realize i was afraid of Guy A. had he turned into the scary man i once knew him to be? what was worse, i was married to this scary man and there was no way of getting out of it. then, there was a change of scenery again. i was in office attire, very very nice office attire if i might add, and i was walking down a hallway with doors on my left. i continued on walking in my high heels. click click click click click. something made me turn my head to look into the room of an opened door and there i saw Guy A look ridiculously handsome in a suit. i smiled and walked on. then right after that, i was having a meeting. someone came up to me and said: "look, he will always have your back." and showed me a project or some sort where he did have my back whenever i needed it. i felt myself being washed away by his love. it was an amazing thing - so surreal even in dream-mode. and then, came in Guy B. i just so happened to be sending an email and somehow, i clicked the wrong address too quickly and i sent it to him. this incident must have been a while after my wedding because Guy B and Guy C were just talking about the last time they saw me at the resort and how Guy B doesn't intend to ever see me again as i have chosen Guy A. he opens up my email and he sees me. there was a pain on his face that even as i see him in person now, i don't understand. and that was when i woke up.
of course i left a lot of details out. at the same time, i've made obvious a lot of feelings that i had in every scene of that dream. i wished this dream was real because i do want to be married to Guy A. it sounds silly, especially because i'm 19 and an idiot but i'm ready to take the plunge and say i do. i want to have lots of babies and grow old watching our grandchildren running around in our living room. we would have fights and we would despise each other but we would apologize. i would apologize for being childish and make up. we would understand each other to a point where the moment we get home from work, we would remain in each others embrace and we wouldn't even have to say anything to know what either one has in mind. i would be there for him all the way. he would be there for me all the way.
i woke up crying because i wanted this so badly. i wanted it so badly that it ached so bad. i cried because i know it will never happen for he does not see me the way i see him. i cried because i wished that dream was my true story and that reality is just a lousy dream i can't wait to wake up from.
