hey-howh! i ain't dead. someone once told me that the more you want to die, the less likely you will. that's a theory i strongly believe in. look where i am today.
i can't begin to tell you how horrible last week was. all the drama may be behind us now but it only means that it's time for scars to surface and haunt us forever.
i'm glad i missed annie's party and went to miri. i subconsciously needed grandma's embrace so much that i completely broke down the second i was in her arms. it's a simple thing, me and my gramps. i know i can always count on her to be there for me and give me advice whenever i need them. truth be told, she gives the best advises(even though she sometimes go overboard with her story telling).
i don't know if it's really the case but in my bones, i feel like it was grandma who made me conservative person i am today. i will always have a little bit of her in me - traditional, emotional, marginally suicidal and full of compassion. i feel like i'm a more wonderful and good person because she's a part of me. and i will always always love her because of these traits she has bestowed upon me.
i don't understand how some people can prey on somebody else's compassion. it's degrading but alas, there are people as such in this world. in my family, even.
from now on, i have to always remember grandma's words. it's fate. it's life. it's meant to be. what is set in stone cannot be erased. it's god's will. i'm just glad that i didn't turn out like the rest of them. and i know i'll never because of grandma.
i just need to be more open minded. i need to learn to let go. i need to start living for me and justin and if other people, including the people i love, don't turn out the way i thought they would, i need to be ok with it.
i need to be a better person, constantly challenge myself - conquer and overcome. for me. for my family who actually give a fuck about me. and for grandma.
just let cancer spread through me and kill me already.
i keep trying to be optimistic and i keep trying to act as if nothing is wrong but i just can't anymore. everything is wrong. nothing is right.
i see no end to this hellhole and i'd very much like to be perished before i actually get there and get my just only mended heart torn into a million pieces again.
i feel like i'm going insane half the time. i think i belong in an asylum where nothing can touch me.
i can't handle this emotionally anymore. it's killing me every second but yet, not fast enough. it's as if god is playing a cruel joke on me. a joke that has no ending of me writhing in pain.
please, end my life now. coward as i am, i can't seem to do it alone. please someone, anyone, end my life now.
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