je vous vois.

i can't believe i am here again but i am. lol. i am at work! work seems to be awesome today somehow. maybe it was the 3 in 1 coffee i took this morning. THANK YOU COFFEE!

anyways, i'm in the hotel restaurant on the public computer and am just killing time at hand. usually during lunch, i take advantage of the free awesome wifi and download songs. it's has become a routine, i suppose. anyways! i'm just bored out of my mind and killing time!

it seems amazing that whenever i do this, i feel so inspired - especially now when i am clueless to everything that is happening in my surrounding due to the fact that i have music blasting in my ears. i feel super relaxed to the mesmerizing voice of chris brown -hearts-

i know he hit rihanna. i also know that is unforgivable. but, it doesn't stop me from feeling bad for him. when you grow up being in an abusive family, it wouldn't be surprised if you turned out to be an abuser yourself. like me, i grew up with hate and in fear that maybe one day when i get married, i might get divorced and my children will end up like me. i guess, that's the only thing that is stopping me from finding a new love. despite that, my heart is also empty. i guess, i don't have to keep elaborating why that is so.

it just struck me; exactly 4 months ago, i had already sealed my heart away for good.

anyways, i have chris brown's new song, i suppose, blasting in my ear. i haven't managed to read the lyrics with the song but it seems pretty good.

today is a sad day for me. time seems to pass so fast but still, my heart hasn't healed one inch. it still hurts to think about it. it still hard for me to go to bed alone at night. the pain hasn't grown to become any nicer to me, but i do feel like maybe, just maybe, i have grown somewhat strong enough to bear it.

with that said, i weakly let myself be the loser i am and cry for a good 8 minutes to the song Note to God - Charice.

i can't believe i am doing this but i am actually blogging from work. haha. yes, can you believe it in the first place? whitney the then yi han is actually at work! ah, like i've said it once and i'm happy to say it again, I WORK HARD FOR MY MONEY! lol.

singapore was awesome! so sorry i wasn't able to upload anything on it. i was offered a job the day i got back and so, i've been super busy ever since. i think working is way better than having to be at home all day. though, i can't chiong maple much and that's gotta be the only crappy part.

i have no idea why i am doing this at the moment. it's not like i have something special to say or what. i'm just here to inform you that i am not dead. hehe.


have you ever felt whole? the feeling where you know you feel complete. i've felt that once in my life - months ago. once you have felt that way, it is no good be by yourself.

anyways, i'm really not up for emo-ing at the moment. i'd just like to get my mind off everything and focus on work. after that, hell knows what's going to happen.

a biggggg shoutout to mr. pillowtalk! i miss you and your pedo-ness. my voice still very blur so The Reader is currently out of business. and the only reason why i haven't been on msn is because i am in the gay game you call MAPLE! so if you love me, please download it and come pei me huh. i've been so tired these days, imma need your+0.5


whitney signing out. note: i am not dead. lol.

sorry about the death scare. i thought i had breast cancer. turns out to be nothing.
thank god.
the end.

i'm back home. which is great and not great at the same time. i love being home. especially being in my room. i hate being home too. especially when my room is so small and cramped with so much crap. dang. i need a bigger room. pronto.

i tried to be a bit active on facebook today. usually nowadays, all i do on facebook is play Country Story, Sorority Life, Crazy Taxi and Crazy Planets... LOL. okay, i feel so no life right now. whatever, i plan to be less no life soon so hopefully, it'll all work out :)

a few days ago. i had an aquaintance break up with a friend of mine. i'm not sure which way was which way but yeah, they didn't make it. pity, because they looked so good together. i can't help but feel sorry for them. i want so bad to reach out to him but then again, i'm sure the last thing he needs is a reminder of what has happened and on top of it all, we're not even that close.

if i could, i'd like to tell him that he's not alone. there are plenty brokenheartians like us out there who are waiting for the right person to come along again. when something like this happen, we have to have hope that everything would one day be okay. or at least, those of us who are still hanging here are hoping for that everyday.

if she can find happiness, then i can too. if he can find happiness, then i'm sure i can too. or at least, that's what i think some people think.

there too, are other of us who prefer to carry on with life alone. nothing really moving forward, yet not really not moving at all. it's all about compromising with that broken side of you and of course, distractions.

where do i fit in? i'm not really sure yet. i guess we'll just have to wait and see. i strongly believe in the 5 stages of grief:

1. Denial
2. Anger/Resentment
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

i'm somewhere between 4 and 5. there's no more hate in me - which is awesome. i don't believe we'll be able to go back so i'm pass bargaining. i believe the stages are a cycle actually. once you've gotten 5, you come back to 1 and you start the cycle all over again. so yeah, i keep roaming around stages 4, 5 and 1. not cool. DO NOT WANT. haha.

anyhow, i'm doing my best. we all are, at this point, i'm sure. forgetting a person is never easy and so, i hope my aquaintance is doing alright. i wish you all the best - my heart goes out to you.

i've always asked for death. seems suicidal and stupid but yes, i have constantly asked to be met face to face with death. yet, i never got it.

what i didn't know was, it was trying to catch me off guard. catch me when i feel like i wanted to live. i want to live. i don't want to die.

if i don't come home to you, if i don't make it - know that you still have my heart. keep it safe for me while i'm gone.
know that i love you and i never wanted to be parted from you. ever.
know that i was never mad at you and i forgave you for whatever you did in a heartbeat.
know that i'm sorry. for whatever i did wrong. for whatever that happened between us. for not being strong enough. for not being good enough. for not being enough as a whole for you.
know that it killed me when you left. and just as i thought i died from being apart from you, it may actually happen now. and i might not ever get the chance to see you and touch your face.

a part of me hopes you'll never come here again. i don't want you to see me like this. i'm not asking anything in return. i just... don't want to leave with regrets and leave words unspoken.

if i don't make it home to you, forget me - the way you're handling so well now.
if i don't come back, know that no matter where i'll be, i'll be watching over you; protecting you - the way i always wanted to.


i love you.
goodbye, kk.

this post goes out to my dearly beloved Ah Jay PoPo :D
thank you for being there when i needed a shoulder to lean on. you were fab. sometimes, in life, i'm thankful i have friends like you to constantly remind me that i can't do things alone. and that sometimes, i do need friends to pull me up when i fall down and hurt myself.

thank you. and hahaha! you requested for this so please say thank you to me too ;) and, hehehe! even though you're not a woman, i'm glad you let me call you PoPo ;D

i'm just going to keep this post super simple because
- firstly, i am VERY TIRED.
- secondly, i am VERY VERY TIRED.
- thirdly, i am VERY VERY VERY TIRED.
- fourthly, my nails are super nice and super long (will upload photos when i actually have time)
- fifthly, i still have a lot of shit to do (e.g: inventory, final report, etc etc)
- sixthly, i haven't sat down in a few good hours (until an hour ago where i bubble bathed and finished Harry Potter 7 (2nd time reading it))

i'm quite proud of myself these few days. i'm not exactly one who is good as a leader as sometimes, i abuse the power - there, i admit it. i'm not good at handling shits because, sometimes i just really don't give a fuck - there, i admit it. i'm not exactly good at taking charge because sometimes, i'm just so afraid that people might get mad at me and hate me, there - i said it.

but these few days, i've been doing what i thought it was I-M-Possible (credits to mr.pillowtalk for teaching me this word) for me to do. i performed as a leader and insist on my opinions. i handled shit and overcame them smoothly. i conquered my fears and just did things the way i saw fit - taking responsible when i have to - and say NO when i have to because i had every right to say so.

so yeah, short and simple. this post is to commemorate me becoming a little bit more mature. not shying away from responsibilities but embracing, overcoming and conquering them.

nevertheless, i have to thank quite a number of people who have stuck with me, through and through.
- Ashvin, Sue, Fe - for really sticking there with me, through all the rough patches and smooth sailings, i love you guys. ash, thank you for everything. god, i don't even know where to begin. you are amazing - really. i wouldn't have been able to get anything started without you. your ideas and contributions is all over my department. without you, really, i would have been nothing. thank you, you have thought me so much and from you, i have learnt SO MUCH. your patience and understanding with me - i am truly touched and honoured to be able to work with you for these couple of days, they have been amazing. fe and sue, my girls! thank you, for being my constant morale support and constant cheer-uppers. without the both of you, i wouldn't be the person i am today. righteous and FINALLY, responsible. my love for you both are beyond words, you know that. i pray and hope you do! i love you girls. truly, completely - i do.
- Huiting, Wayne - for your wonderful ideas and contributions to the food department, i appreciate them to the core :) bearing with me when i insist on certain things and helping me figure out the budget, thank you dudes. you guys are awesome!
- Sophia, Jody, Khenghuan, Crystal - for your patience and cooperation with me. i wouldn't have been able to do my job right as a leader without such great people like you guys. OLEH CHENDOL! :D
- the boys who helped me carry stuffs (like junze, kok kin, nuraini's bro, yekjun to name a few) - thank you. i sincerely thank all you boys for helping me in carrying the things here and there and everywhere. bearing with my clumsiness of getting some stuff wrong and still carrying the things when all i did was run around supervising. thank you boys! all the things in the hall wouldn't have been where they were if it werent for YOU!
Nuraini for your help with MWord2007 - thank you, girl. i needed the program list done so urgently and you came to my rescue.
Mr.Cyril for short but great morale support - hahaha, i have a feeling imma need more and more of your help in the day to come so yeah, say thank you first :P
last but not least, Mr. Pillowtalk - thanks for your +0.5 :) i really needed it because without it, it would have been a really bad day for me with loads of arguments and obstacles. you made it so much better by being the CUTE and PEDO-like sun for 30mins (or less, i think?) i needed it. THANK YOU!

COME ON, CHMS-ians! ALL our hard work will be put to the test tomorrow! LET US SHINE LIKE NEVER BEFORE! LET US CONQUER AND OVERCOME!

i laid in bed - twisting and turning. despite the pain, i couldn't bring myself to sleep. i felt the tire drag me under and a part of me actually wished my lids would snap shut and take me away to my sanctuary where i felt safe and sane - my dreams . still, here i am after my unsuccessful attempt at trying to throw up the contents of my dinner and then i realized, it's the 14th of November.

PMS is a crappy thing. it's why i wish i was a man. i've never really had this problem before, well, mostly because i was very sports active. now that i've sort of semi given up on sports, the pain is extremely overwhelming. sorry boys, i know this topic is going to make you winch and squirm but hahaha, you're going to have to face it when you have wives and daughters so might as well start man-ing up now!

like i said, i went to bed without the intention of sleeping. i had a good read of breaking dawn for an hour an a bit i suppose. throughout that hour, i twisted and turned to ease the pain. other than that, i piled pillows on my tummy. i guess it didn't help that the AC in my room were 16deg and blasting but the pain managed to subside under my warm palm - i was relieved that the pain was gone. like always, i spoke too soon and the pain came twisting back.

after a while, it felt good that sleep was creeping on me. i happily put breaking dawn aside and cuddled up in double blankets with a big pillow and bolster across my tummy. i subconciously wished MattyPoo goodnight and tagged along the drowsiness. just when i thought i would sleep, i began to feel the nausea out of nowhere. i tried so hard to ignore it - not willing to surrender to weakness, i guess - and twisted and turned again in my blanket. i drifted, in and out of sleep. towards the end, when i was absolutely certain that lying there wasn't going to bring me under, i pulled the white flag out and forced myself to vomit out. unsucessful at the first few attempts but luckily towards the end, i managed to rid a tenth of my dinner earlier on and it made me feel a tad better. the worst part about the relief effect of throwing up is the aftermath. the bile taste in your mouth is just absolutely wreck. i washed my mouth for a good five times before stepping out the bathroom. note: being outspoken about throwing up doesn't mean i'm bulimic! i just ate something wrong or something. idk.

as i began descending down the stairs. i knew something was wrong. i was waiting for something bad to hit me. i was insanely searching for a reason to be here. i needed to be here. i went fiddling along facebook and country story. then, subconsciously, my cursor scrolled to the time on the right bottom corner of your screen and then it hit me like a big yellow bus - it was that time of month again.

like PMS, today give me a grinding feeling but that only takes effect in my heart. it makes me feel like i'm always short of breath and i'd have to take shallow breaths to control my heart rate. it feels worse now that it's only 2 hours into today and i have another 22 hours to go. damnit.

a few days ago, i began dreaming the impossible by wondering what would i do if you came crawling back. in a heartbeat, i concluded that i would not think twice and take you back. ha ha, i know it's a joke and i'm lying to myself by being delusional but, i guess i'm stupid enough to say that i'm not as strong as mr.pillowtalk. i can't shove that drawer shut and pretend like it doesn't hurt. it's a feeling that creeps around me every second of the day and it surprises me when i least expect it. what else was i suppose to do with this feeling? shout it out the everyone and tell them to go look for him? ridiculous. i know it's stupid to still be writhing here when he's probably moved on. i'm happy for him, i truly am. still, a part of me - the part of me that always believed we were perfect for each other - keeps convincing me the keep hoping and believing the impossible. like everything else that revolves around this part of me, i follow blindly - letting it lead me to nowhere. love is very blind, or so they say. i won't deny that now. for someone who thought she was actually smart, i realized that i am irrevocably stupid.

'i don't mind it, i don't mind at all. it's like you're the swing set and i'm the kid that falls. the way we fight, the times i cried. we come to blows, but everynight, the passion's there so it's gotta be right. right?
no, i don't believe you. when you say you don't come around here no more. i won't remind you, you said we wouldn't be apart.
no i don't believe you. when you say you don't need me anymore. so don't pretend to, not love me at all.
i don't mind it, i still don't mind at all. it's like one of those bad dreams when you can't wake up. it's looks like you've given up, you've had enough. but i want more, no i won't stop. because i just know, you'll come around. right?
no, i don't believe you. when you say you don't come around here no more. i won't remind you, you said we wouldn't be apart.
no i don't believe you. when you say you don't need me anymore. so don't pretend to, not love me at all.
just don't stand there and watch me fall. because i, because i still don't mind at all.
it's like the way we fight, the times i cried. we come to blows, but everynight, the passion's there so it's gotta be right. right?
no, i don't believe you. when you say you don't come around here no more. i won't remind you, you said we wouldn't be apart.
no i don't believe you. when you say you don't need me anymore. so don't pretend to, not love me at all.
i don't believe you.'

i forgot who i promised... i think it was mr.pillowtalk that i would show him my medals.
(whispers to mr.pillowtalk ; you right? O_O )

anyhoo! i'd like to show them off irregardless :) of all the medals the most 'gikdao' ones are the basketball and javelin one. explain later :P

p.s: sorry for the excessive use of emoticons. i'm just quite proud of my medals :) sure i know they're not international medals or anything but hey, nobody in my family is actually atlethic so :D

14 in total :) not bad lah in the span of 3 years :)
they are all my babies - my sweat and blood.

shortputt :) something i picked up only last year. did pretty well in the IAAF i think. others just so-so.

i joined this 3 years ago. got exposure from the first year itself :) got silver for 2nd year which was quite disappointing because everybody was rooting for 2 golds from me (including shortputt) but ah wells, at least i got a medal at all :)

got this only this year :) i attempted javelin last year actually. i did SOOO bad that i was in tears towards the end. don't worry, i did not like break down and sob in front of everyone. i just went to the corner and slowly cried myself. crying helped because it gave me the motivation and the determination to gold my shortputt, in which i did last year :)

this medal is a very funny one. i didn't even play :x HAHAHAHA! i wasn't even there. i think i was but only as a bloody cheerleader. trust me, if i played, there wouldn't even be a medal. i am THAT bad in basketball. no worries, i made do with badminton :)

and here is my prized collection :) the golds are singles play and silver and bronze are doubles. i won my first medal in form 1 (bronze). all others were from two years ago, last year and this year. i actually also have two interschool trophies in which belong to the school so sorry, couldn't take pictures of 'em. oh, for other competitions, they just gave me like two or three roles of shuttlecock so nothing to take there :P i've always loved badminton and will continue to play it in the future if and when i go overseas. although i have sort of diverted into watching a lot of basketball recently (mostly due to the slingers. hahaha), i still love badminton. it brought me a lot of problems and from these problems, i've learn to mature and overcome. hopefully no more of shit next time when i dive back into it. i just want to love badminton for what it is and all the things and people that go with it can suck it. lol. (p.s: the suck it part is only for some people. not all not all :P i've met some really cool people too. eg: my ex-coach :D )

as i am being pushed over the edge again, i can't stop these tears. i feel the ground crumbling and i'm slipping into nothingness. i thought you would have been there to save me so i fought it and i fought hard. then i realized, i was in this alone and as i grabbed nothing but thin air, i was finally faced with your absense after 3 months.

i lost you 3 months ago and now, i stand here - on the verge of losing everything i have and everything i love. i just want to rip my heart out right now and tell myself to numb it. i can't take this pain. i just can't.

i slammed the door behind me this evening and sat on my bed sobbing. i sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and i couldn't stop. i craved for a shoulder to cry on. your shoulder. then i realized, i no longer had any claim over you and i began to sob even harder.

i'm sorry i'm just not the social butterfly you guys want me to be. i'm sorry i'm such a pessimist and i'm always so negative. i'm sorry i always act like i don't care when i do deep down inside. i'm sorry i'm not the perfect first daughter and i'm not the perfect sister nor the perfect friend and most definately not the perfect partner. i'm sorry for all the things left unsaid and they will remain to be unsaid as of right now and in the future. i'm sorry i always look like a golddigger because i only talk to you when i need to. i'm sorry for the reason i even exist at all in the first place and cause so much pain to everyone around me. i'm sorry and what i wouldn't give to ease everyone's pain and leave it in god's hand. please stop punishing the people i love, god. have mercy on them and rid me. i am the problem. i am the cancer. i am the disease that brings chaos to the people i love. and i know god is playing a joke on everyone i love right now, but hopefully he will stop soon. i'll make him promise, cross my heart.

till then, please bear with him and don't be mad at him for keeping me here and making everyone suffer. i'm sorry. i'll make him take me away and release you soon enough. i promise.

i watched the way he looked at her. strike that, look is such an understatement. the way he STARED at her - full of regret. i'll bet all the money i have that he was thinking of all the things that would have been if he had never done what he did a year ago.

i wonder how he felt - watching her shine the way she did. it wasn't hard to tell, too, that she was more animated than she needed to be in front of him. did he see pass that? did he see pass all that pretense and see that she was actually shouting for him to be standing by her side?

i believe everybody makes mistakes. what's important is, we have to learn from our mistakes and as much as possible, never offend them again. but once you have made a mistake, the species of the human may forgive but for sure, they will never forget. would it be right for us to give him the green light if he asked for one? should we trust ourselves to forgive him, give him another shot at happiness with her and guarantee that it will work this time? we can't guarantee, so does that mean we should rule out ever giving him another chance if he had come begging for one? for the sake of her lonely heart? for the sake of their child?

no denial here that in every separation, the children are the victim. i know that because i was and still am a victim. the child will grow up and not have either one parent around when the other is. the parent that isn't able to be around most of the time will try his/her best to shower the child with gifts and such to make up for not being around. sure, it'll make the child happy but did you know, sometimes, just sometimes, all a child ever wants is a happy family.

so back to what i was talking about on top. should we? should we allow him back into her life and possibly watch him leave again and watch her cry because of the decision we have made. no doubt, i could taste it in the air that he felt ashamed to be around us just now. if the female's father wasn't such a calm man, i could actually see him spitting at him for the things that he had done to her. all the pain he had caused her. all the tears she had cried for him. all those time wasted when she could have been actually happy.

but he is only human. we are all only humans. we can never predict the future, we can only plan and avoid. does that mean we should condemn him to a life eternally forbidden to love her? by condemning him, we are also condemning the child from the chance of having a family that is whole.

we'll never learn to treasure what we have until we lose it.
i wonder if he had learnt that lesson and learnt it hard when he saw her today.
i wonder if my father had learnt it as well when he saw my mother.
but no matter what i wonder, it will never change anything.
who was i to even DREAM about an actually happy ending.
might as well tell myself to fuck off because a happy ending is like watching the sun rise from the west.
so,
fuck off, whitney.
continue to dream as you like but you know better than anyone, a happy ending will never happen for you.
period.

HAHAHA! in my mind, i truly believe that megan fox is boobless like ME :D

i've been feeling this way for days.
it's not a good feeling - at all.
i wonder why i feel this way sometimes but i can't really seem to grasp the words.

i know this sounds crazy but - have you ever tried putting a laptop on your chest while you're lying down? after a while, the heat makes you feel like you can't breathe and it hurts. after a while, it's only instinct to remove the laptop or put it on top of a pillow - hoping the heat would lessen due to the pillow being in between. i guess that's the best way to describe what i'm feeling right now. it's a weird way to describe it, yeah, but - it's really the only way i can think of, as of now.

i remember subconsciously scribbling his name in my school books. after a while, friends got used to it and ignored me when i did. i scribbled his name in different fonts, sizes and styles. like i said, it was like an instinct - subconsciously, he was always on my mind. maybe the biggest problem was, i didn't let him know enough. it wasn't always difficult for me to conjure happy endings with him. and, maybe it was because so, it only makes it that much harder to let go. when i don't think about it, it's becomes less of an annoyance nowadays. i can go on half a day without thinking about it. then again, i go about spoiling the progress i made by thinking something stupid like 'i really loved him'.

it's like a big rock sitting on top of my heart. when i remain still, i don't feel it bothering me. but when i try to move, it hurts like hell. i'm struggling. even with adrenalin, i can't seem to move this big rock. trust me, it's not that i don't want to, it's just that i can't. the most ridiculous part about this is, i compare every guy i meet with him.
he doesn't have tiger teeth.
he doesn't have that accent.
he's not into engineering.
he's not from the same country.
he's too hardcore.
we don't crack the same jokes.
we don't laugh at the same jokes.
we're not always on the same page.
yada. yada. yada.

i always manage to come up with excuses for me to not fall for another guy.
and having said that out loud, it really is a big load off my shoulders.

i've been trying so god damn hard to forget. to erase everything. but as i looked at his scribbled name all over my books, i realize, i haven't been trying at all - i've only been avoiding. it really amazing that i'm still here - haven't moving one inch. i guess the best word to describe this situation is, i've only found distractions.

i vow to change. i realize that this isn't healthy - not moving on. he has. he doesn't want me anymore - truly, i believe that. the most agonizing part is (i guess is also the reason why i'm still holding on) he has completely thrown everything out the garbage bin. and how he managed to do that, is and always will be a mystery to me. then again, i am but a human. i will try my best irregardless, otherwise, i can see myself being consumed by this and end up killing myself. sometimes i feel maybe that's probably the best solution too - take the load off everyone i burden.

till then, i'll be cringing onto my eraser - preparing myself for the day i move on and erase all his names on my books.

i have something bothering me. something as in something in ma head. i can't tell you what it is though. i mean, it would be awesome if i could figure out myself what it was in the first place.

i think blogging like this is going to let me get something off my shoulders. i can't seem to concentrate. this sucks.

-10 mins later-

okay, i've got nothing. am not going to waste my time on something that's making me paranoid like this.

if someone figures out what in the hell world is wrong with me, please dial +673-86-whitney-is-mental. :)

like i said i would, i revamped my layout. i don't know about you, but i kind of like it :) i didn't really like the fact that it had to be all black though - it's a bit too dull, but then again, i like the blog picture :) i know i don't look very pretty, okay! don't have to tell me! i know i know, but i can't change who i am so might as well embrace it :)

these past couple of days, i will not deny - i have been quite numb. i found a new anesthetic in mr.pillowtalk. it's like whenever i feel the pain catching up with me, all i have to do is search my msn favourites list and as long as he is on - i am rescued. as of now he is not on, so might as well take this opportunity to prison break here.

as much as possible, i keep myself entertained nowadays. not giving any chance for me to think too much. even when i sleep, i think about the singapore slingers (HAHA!) and somehow, i manage to fall asleep. oh and, for the record, i wasn't delusional. he really did wave at me :) he knew who i was and where i sat :) i was sooooooooooooooooooooo high when he told me :)

i just happened to be slacking this morning. maths tomorrow - gah, not really worried. and whenever i watch tv, the first few channels i flip to are mtv, channel v and e-news. so there i was switching the channel to 714 and this song began to play. oh my gooossssshhhhhh, i can't even begin to tell you how the pain nearly drowned me. it just put everything i had been trying so hard to avoid in front of my f-ing face. honestly, i tried really hard to put up a show. and this song just really burnt the whole show down.

i'm going to literally copy the lyrics here but i suggest you read the lyrics only when you've heard the song. it's my current favourite song. the more i hear it, the more i feel i'm actually sane. i missed this pain, being numb was fun but it wasn't real. so, enjoy :)

THERE IS NO WORDS TO DESCRIBE HOW EXCITED I AM RIGHT NOW! also, i am very very tired!

OKAY! THE MOMENT I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR! WOOHOO! I MET SINGAPORE SLINGERS! WOOHOO!!!! i'm like so high man ;) and i think my idol waved at me, which was TOTALLY FRIGGIN' AWESOME! though we didn't get to take a picture together (SOB!), though i didn't get a shirt from them, (DOUBLE SOB!) I STILL BLOODY MET THE SINGAPORE SLINGERS! am like completely high now i have no idea why.

poor marcus ng and poor alvergara and poor hongweijian. poor marcus ng especially, he got rammed into really badly by gamaso if i'm not mistaken. the position he got hit - i could see completely clearly from my angle. gamaso(i think)'s knee completely punched his face when they were both on the ground. poor marcus.

stupidly, i actually had so much confidence in the slingers that i made a pact with a few peeps that i was going to run naked in town if they were to lose. maybe the few peeps had forgotten about it but i most definately haven't because it's my friggin' naked body we're talking about here! -.- it would definately be a sight for sore eye HEHEHE! but yeah, the first 2 quarters, the slingers didn't do very well which was REALLY SCARY! all that fussing to go early to get good seats, all that arguments and anger just to sit closest to the slingers - i thought, were all gonna be wasted. LUCKILY NOT!

okay, i know i said i died but aren't you glad i'm not? :p
maybe some of you want me to die but i'm not dead so HEH! try better next time :p


before i say anything, let me just freak out for a bit, kay?
COUNTDOWN: 5 HOURSSSSS!~!~!~!~!~! :D:D:D:D
seriously flipping right now! :)


okay, back to business. so yesterday night (HAHA!) was quite a fun night for me. he said he had never laughed like that in a long time, actually, neither have i - with anyone besides my family.
since the you-know-what incident, i keep to myself most of the time - shielding my mind from anything that could harm me. my only shelter was my family and having being made to choose between pain or nothing - i chose nothing. it was really nice to let go and let everything out and just breathe again. i haven't felt this easy in a few good months. i'll say, it's good to be back :)

but, doing things like that came with consequences. i knew the consequences was coming but still, a part of me decided to take the risk and do it. the consequence was - another sleepless night. i remember the nightmares and how i'd leave the florescent light on to convince myself to sleep. how i'd roll myself up like a sushi with two layers of blanket and putting the split unit at 16deg and convince myself: 'sleeping today is going to be easier than yesterday.'
yesterday night was very similar. though, it was good to know that even though it took me 3 hours to fall asleep and stop myself from crying, i still slept with the lights off :)

i just felt good to do it again. in case you were wondering what "it" is, it's not SEX OR ANY CRAP! eish, please don't get the wrong idea. it was just merely having a conversation - in a way that became a habit for a long time a few months ago. reliving it was fun, though it was with the wrong person - it was still really awesome that that person was you. you know who you are, mr.pillowtalk. HAHA! :x

even though towards the end, it was hard - it was good while it lasted. it was good for that few hours and how time flew. we talked for like 4 hours didcha know? woah! and i was listening to some crap Celine Dion lyrics and i found a song that was quite perfect for you, friend.

dear mr. pillowtalk, (HAHAHAHAHA!)
thank you for being there for me last night at my most lamest possible angry moment. it was really nice to be finally talking like this again. i can't begin to explain how long i had tried to bottle everything out and yesterday night, you really saved me from bursting. thank you and it's really great to have you as a friend - even though your voice is kinda weird :/ hehehe :p
p.s: i know i'm the first person to say that you're cool so i hope i'll be the first or ONE OF the first people to say that - you're a really good friend and an absolutely spot on listener :)
love loads,
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.


hmm. if you knew how mr.pillowtalk looked like - imagine him naked with an adult pampers and angel wings and a halo :O hahahahaha! ;) this song is for you! :)
classics i know i know, i'm quite old-fashioned in the music area so SUE ME~


No Mountains too high, for you to climb
All you have to do is have some climbing faith, oh yeah
No rivers too wide, for you to make it across
All you have to do is believe it when you pray

And then you will see, the morning will come
And everyday will be bright as the sun
All of your fears cast them on me
I just want you to see...

I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I am your angel
And when all hope is gone, I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm near
It makes no difference who you are
I am your angel
I'm your angel

I saw the teardrops, and I heard you cry
All you need is time, seek me and you shall find
You have everything and you're still lonely
It doesn't have to be this way, let me show you a better day

And then you will see, the morning will come
And all of your days will be bright as the sun
So all of your fears, just cast them on me
How can I make you see...

I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I am your angel
And when all hope is gone, I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm near
It makes no difference who you are
I am your angel
I'm your angel

And when it's time to face the storm
I'll be right by your side
Grace will keep up safe and warm
And I know we will survive

And when it seems as if your end is drawing near
Don't you dare give up the fight
Just put your trust beyond the sky...

I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I am your angel
And when all hope is gone, I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm near
It makes no difference who you are
I am your angel
I'm your angel

I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I am your angel
And when all hope is gone, I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm near
It makes no difference who you are
I am your angel
I'm your angel

Whitney Then Yi Han died today.

i will be changing my blog's main picture soon! woohoo!
this is much thanks to celine and her superior (er longkang type one :p) photography skills :)

it will be uploaded soon :D alongside the change in the layout of the blog :)

i feel like every time i change the layout of my blog, i am sort of like closing a chapter in my life. i remember the darker days where my picture was like all EMO-ish and stuff and things are turning out to be brighter and brighter for me - which is great! -thumbs up-

as difficult as it is, i'm still struggling to get by each day but nonetheless, i am getting by. somehow, a part of me believes that everything that is fated to be together will be together in the end. as for others, not so lucky i suppose. i'm not holding on to anything at the moment. like the 'miracle' picture now - i'm embracing everything that comes my way - good or bad.

i liked my previous post. i didn't really feel like blogging today because i wanted that quote to stay on top. i just so happened to be surfing around and landed onto an acquaintance's blog. that quote there really expressed what i've been feeling for the past couple of days. he found the right words to say it and it fitted me perfectly. although he might never visit this blog, i'd still like to say - thanks, chuck :) you really lifted a weight off my shoulders.


and OH YEAH~! COUNTDOWN: 4 DAYS~!
i'm so excited~~~


lyrics of the day: 'why do i keep running from the truth? when all i ever think about is you.'

i hate it when a good book is made into a movie. i was so bored that i redownloaded twilight and rewatched it. kinda regretted doing so because everytime i think of Edward Cullen's (book version) flawlessness - i see Rob Pat -.- damn annoyed but ahh, what to do? what is done can't be undone, no?

like everything else in life, we make our own decisions which leads to other decisions and other decisions and sometimes it's so bad, you completely go off course from what you wanted in the first place. that was sort of what happened to me, i suppose. right now, i am absolutely positively sure that i'm too coward to make any decisions of my own. it seems like whatever i do, it definately has a whiplash and might i say, i'm no good at all with whiplashes. so instead, i shall let fate lead me where it wants to. fall in love again or stay single for life - get married and have kids or stay single for life - have a one night stand or be a virgin for life (HAHAHA! sorry, i just had to add this one in :p) - shouldn't really bother me. i believe in karma - though, i don't really know how that's related to fate -sweat- .

anyhoo, ever since a few weeks ago, i devoted myself to the lifestyle of a vegetarian. well, semi - vegan at least. i still eat fish and egg. i haven't touched meat and beef or lamb or whatever in WEEKS! it's kind of hard to believe for me as well, seeing that i would have never ever eaten veges just a few weeks ago. well, i sort of still don't eat veges - not the green leafy and dead looking ones i suppose. i devote myself to potato + mixed vege patties, brocolli, tomato, lettuces, carrots and cauliflower sorts. so far so good actually. i sort of forgot how meat tastes like too. strange, i know! but i'm really proud of myself for being so :)

i take the vegan lifestyle - day by day. it's sort of like resisting temptation. it's not that i CAN'T eat but it's because i don't want to. for the first few days, it was extremely difficult, truth be told. i have chicken and beef laid in front of me everyday due to the fact that i'm solo on being a vegan in the family. wanna know a little secret? i ill-mindedly ate a smalllll piece of chicken in school on the first few days. that kind of shocked me because i sort of swore i'd go off meat for a while and just when i did, i ate it -.- yeah, kind of lame. also, being a vegan comes with a few benefits - i feel that my temper has sort of lessen. i don't know why but it's gotten better since i've chosen this lifestyle. sure, it's still difficult once in a while - doesn't help too when your friend is an excellent photographer at taking good food like steak and fries - but yeah, i'm loving it :) hopefully, i'll be able to stick to this lifestyle throughout my life :D i am truly blessed that i have a family - especially my mum - who completely supports me on this by splurging cash on expensive vege patties and what not. love you mum :)

hopefully by sticking to this diet, i'll be able to lose weight too. i heard singapore is really against overweight people - which makes me all the more scared. i am determined! from december to march, i'm going to hardcore exercise EVERYDAY until i reach my ideal weight. i'm praying very hard too that i stick to my words this time :D so far, the feeling of determination hasn't decreased so i guess it's a good thing, again - i am taking this day by day - one step at a atime :) my ultimate goal is to go sg and study, i suppose so i'm going to do whatever i can to achieve it. YOU GO WHITNEY! :D

they say fat people never get married because of their appearance. that is harsh but that is also singapore. one of the world's leading countries or however you call it and it's my ultimate goal. hopefully, i'll get there - i want to, so so badly.


oh yeah,
COUNTDOWN: 5 days! i guess i'll be updating everyday until that day.

i'm so excited~

bloggy ah, please bear with me for a bit. i know i'm not supposed to be emo. especially not now but i really need to get this off my shoulders before i dive back into my studies. i can't concentrate. i promise to keep it short, bloggy - i have no one else to turn to anymore.

i believe it's healthy to change blog name or link or whatever you call it once a while.

if and when i do, posts here will not be removed.
they are all memories - good and bad - that i will always treasure for the rest of my life.

my new blog link will be distributed to close friends and family only :)
please approach me if you'd still like to follow me :)

it will not contain tagboard and feedjit or whatever.
i guess i've just come to a point where i don't really care who visits it anymore.
it would be like a diary but online because typing is always easier than writing :P
doesn't help that my handwriting is very ugly either x_x

whitney,
thank you very much for your kindness in lending me your (that something). i know i can sense that you dislike me, maybe after (that incident). well, still you care to lend a helping hand when i need one, so i really appreciate it and i'm touched. you know... i must admit that it is not easy to be friends with you at times but i don't hate you. i still treat you as a friend because i care for my friends and i remember all the good things they've done to me. it is our last year anyway. so yea... i hope we're friends =)
her name.

that was written to me a while ago. sure it wasn't a big deal but yet again, it's not like everyday that i lose a friend.

if i were to reply to you that day, friend, i think i would have been really mean. i would have not given a fuck and wrote all sort of things that were going to hit you like the bomb that sank japan.
today, i am proud and happy to say that i am somewhat of a different person. it may not be a big difference but i believe a little difference goes a long way - whatever that means.

i post this note up to remind me of you. sure, you may not be a very important person to me and vice versa but at least i'd remember you and all the things we've been through.
if i were to reply this letter today, gosh, i don't think i'd know where to start but hmm, i'll try nonetheless. forgive me if any of my words offend you. they are all my personal opinion and lol, it wouldn't matter because you might never visit my blog and you might never see this post anyways. so here we go!



dear friend,
like any friend in need, i would have been the first person to jump in and help. that has always been in me - whether you know that or not doesn't matter, whether i go overboard sometimes or not doesn't matter either. i like helping my friends, and i helped you. that sort of shows that you are my friend - even though sometimes i may not show it. nowadays, i try very hard to at least smile at you. i can't tell you why we're still not talking because mostly, it's my fault. i just don't want to get hurt again. hope you understand when that sentence is clear as day. i just don't want to dive back into that dark hole when i'm in such a happy place right now. i'm surrounded by family and people i love - my friends. i'm sick of arguments, backstabbing and talking bad or what not. i just don't want to go back there. ever. i hope you know that too, being your friend isn't easy. you're so close sometimes and i could never reach you. maybe i was trying too hard, i don't know. i just didn't appreciate our last moments together and i'm happy they're behind us. sometimes, i know you're really smart at all, it doesn't mean that gives you the right to talk low about someone else - people whom you should respect, especially. no matter who is backing you up, you should know that deep down inside, you should respect your friends and respect the people around you. and forgive me, stop acting like a bitch just because you're having a bad day. you once asked me, how did i do it all - friends, school and what not. i give you one piece of advice, life is a show. you put up an act all the time. i do and i know you can too. sometimes, you can't always be first. sometimes, YOU have to be the LAST person YOU should worry about because the people you love - your friends and family - should come first. truth be told, i really did try to be your friend. i just didn't have the patience, that's all. i'm sure you're well and surrounded by people who adore you in ways i couldn't. and i'm sorry we never turned out to be good friends like i thought, initially, we could. i'd like things to be kept this way - not having something to talk about gives me a peace of mind. wish you all the best for whatever you'll be doing in the future. and know that maybe in years to come, if we have the chance to ever meet again, i'll make sure i'll remember you, smile at you and tell my kids that you were one of the smartest people i knew and you were too, once, my friend.
regards,
whitney.

with that, i threw the note you wrote me away.

living in the society filled with kaypoh aunties, gossipy teens and on top of it all, stupid close minded people, life can be tough.

you can be good at this one thing, win this one medal or attend this one meeting and the next thing you know, half the town knows you. you get talked about, you get mocked at once you make a mistake and above all else, people want to know about you and make fun of you to make themselves feel better. from that, i guess we all now know why we spread rumours.

when you're good at something, you will automatically get noticed because of it. getting noticed means getting attention. it doesn't help that you're good looking either because that would mean girls would go googoogaagaa over you and dream about being mrs.you. and so from the transformation of being a bachelor to being not-available, what do you think the girls who go all droolsy over you have to say? what do you think they would say about your girlfriend to make themselves feel better? think about it.

in a place like where we live, our stupid dumbass closed minded society, all you gotta to do is be SLIGHTLY better than all the rest and instantly you will be called to represent here and represent there and la dee daa dee daa. for being known for what you do, you are automatically demanded to be perfect. in your case, or so you say, your standard is above all your other teammates. not that i would know, you guys are all the same to me. why would stupid close minded people talk bad about you? think about it. they're jealous of you. like DUH!

did i mention that it doesn't help that you're good looking? and that girls who can get hooked to you would obviously want the world to know about it? what if she was those type? why don't you doubt her? why point all the fingers at me?

the stupid thing about rumours is, they get worse and worse from one person to the other. as for me, i was never much of a rumour starter - i was more of the one to describe the rumour when someone tells someone else about it.

example:
starting of rumour: hey did you know she's dating this guy?
person 1 to person 2: hey did you know she's dating this guy coz shes despo for a replacement?
person 2 to person 3: hey i heard she's dating this guy coz she's a **** and he likes those type.
person 3 to person 4: hey this girl ah, my god, so cheap date this guy but nvm la, he playboy, will dump her one.

see what i mean? the fucked up thing about rumours is that, they aren't pretty and they never will be. they won't tell you how sweet something is or how nice someone is. they only tell you the exagerrated part. exagerrated and completely fake! so heck care about what people say about you? why get so worked up when you know that is not the case.

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO CARE ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE SAY ABOUT YOU? GOD! if your family loves you, they will trust and believe you. WHY LET STUPID CLOSEMINDED AUNTIE GOSSIP GET IN THE WAY OF EVERYTHING? DON'T EVERYBODY KNOW AUNTIES ARE ALL LIKE THAT KAYPOH AND SPREAD RUMOURS ONE! GOD! >=O

i was silenced today for being suspected for spreading a completely false rumour. honestly, this is the first time this has happened to me and so far, i don't know how to react to it. worse yet, it involves people i care about, people i love. i still strongly stand my ground and say that i did not spread it. i would never call you a YOUKNOWWHAT and i would never call her a YOUKNOWWHAT so yeah. i have nothing but respect for you and i like her. truly, i like her. she was nice the first time we met and coming as a first impression, i sincerely liked her. so why would i want to spoil it for you? what reasons would i have to take happiness from you? you may not know this but i knew if rumours were to go around, they wouldn't have been pretty and today, i was right, they weren't close to pretty at all. i made mental preparations to keep this within my walls. if it was not going to be in the light, i was fully ready to guard this with my life. yet, you did not believe me when i say it wasn't me nor was it the people i love who spreaded it OR started it.

i'm tired and it's been a long day. as of right now, i am beginning to doubt everything that i have thought was right and maybe, they were all wrong. and i wonder, maybe i should jus sew my mouth so that nothing ever comes out of it ever again. it's like nothing i say is ever right. nothing i do is ever right or good enough for you. would it be better if i just disappeared. is that what you want? for us to disappear from your sight? not only me but me and my loved ones as well? is that what you really want? is this fucked up thing going to drive us down that road? i have a bad feeling it is going to happen. i may have never said this before but i loved you like family. i do - or maybe did was the better word to use. i have no feelings but fear for you now.

it's been a long day and i'm tired. though, like you, i'm sure i won't be able to sleep. i was silenced and accused for something i did not do. where do i go now?

welcome back all :)
due to many requests, my blog is back open for all. hope you've all missed me :)

i'm good. or at least i think i am.
it's been a month and 2 days and i'm still coping - not able to let anyone in; not able to let anything go.

after a long and tiring session of trying very hard to sing malay song due to my bad malay pronounciation, i have finally given up -_- i really don't see the point of going for it anymore. a part of me is ready for it, but another part is so freaking scared that i am going to embarass myself on stage. anyways, it's going to take a lot of consideration so till then, let's blog!

i was having a conversation with a friend of mine the other day, i guess we were reflecting on my previous blog posts. apparently i don't like putting up names, at least until mr.tan came along :) i think i like the way it is. it doesn't expose too much of my life and no one will come back to me and haunt me saying that i backstabbed them or what toot. so i'm glad it's the way it is

i guess i have to apologize again for my previous blog post. but like i said, i am not going to remove it because i guess its physical prove that when i lose it, i really lose it. something i have to control if i ever want to get married, i guess. LOL. not funny :/

sometimes when i set resolutions for myself, i don't usually accomplish them in the end. this is one thing about myself that i'm not at all proud of. what i have decided to do is to print the resolution out and paste it on my pink wall, being physical prove that i can't do as i please all the time. that is very irresponsible.

i guess it's a suspense to know what my resolutions are. hehe -evil grin- sure, i don't mind listing them down here, i don't want to be haunted by msn spam nudges horh -_-



Resolutions to a "newer" whitney:
1) curse and swear less.
- i don't know why i've never realized that it's bad but the most important thing is, now i do. my other living inspector for this resolution is fe :P my personal smacker -twitch-
2) to be more facebook-active
- hmm, i don't know why i want this to be done either but yeah, i'm going to do it.
3) to smile more
- i guess when i walk on the streets, i'll come across as a b****, hahaha. i don't blame anyone for thinking that way. i won't deny that i don't smile as much as an average person do. i don't know why i'm so sensitive about smiling either but if i told you i was shy, would you believe it? ;)
4) to be more ok with vanity
- as a girl, i've always avoided as much as possible to be as LEAST vain as i could be. then again, i don't really know why i'm like that. i guess i'm afraid of being judged for wanting to act cute and all that. after thinking of it like that. what the hell is wrong with vaining? do i really care what other people think of me? yeah, not really.
5) secret
- haha, this one is to embarassing to reveal so ask me personally if you want to know ;)


speaking of vaining, yeah, i SHOULD be more ok with it. no, should is not the right word, i WANT to be more ok with it. i don't see anything wrong with it. so i'm going to be somehow more vain. HAHA. and most importantly, still try very hard to remain humble and the way i am right now :D

i know lah i know lah, i'm not your average pretty girl. but who cares about what you think? ;)

perfected @ 1243.
whii.

i have an effing computer gce proj due tomorrow. it's currently 1.20am and i'm not even half way done. you know what, i don't bloody care.

i'm not okay with it. what's this EFFING it?! fuck it. i'm just not okay with it.
yeah sure, i'm a lady and i shouldn't be cursing and swearing. but my god i'm so angry that i just feel like smashing my head through the window before me right now. fuck it. i'm not okay with it.

yeah sure, i'm supposed to be ok with it. but god, i'm not. it's so fucking wrong and fine, maybe i'm overreacting but whatever, fuck it. i'm just not ok with it at all.

i thought i was being there enough. i thought i cared enough. i feel like smashing my fist into my bathroom mirror wall and let the glass slash my whole arm till i bleed so bad, i might have to cut it off. maybe even that would hurt less than the fucking pissed off feeling i'm feeling now.

you know what? WHAT THE HELL EVER.

ARGH. there are no words to express how i'm feeling right now. so why am i even trying so hard? HUH? fuck.

whatever.