in her arms, i found home.
earth to bloggers: ni hao
whenever i look back into my childhood, focusing on the ugly side of my parents' divorce wasn't a good way to grow up. not only that, i also forgot about another important part of my childhood life or rather, another important person.
i remember her walking me to tuition when i was probably 4 or 5? or maybe even younger. then her legs began to fail and i too stopped tuition. i was a rebel. i was told i could sit in tuition for 2 hours and do nothing.
my house in Miri was near MegaHotel. just around the corner to it. she would hold my hand and we'd walk to the Servay building and again so i've been told, she would let me sit the bumper car for hours and spend about RM10 a day. do not forget! i was 4 or 5 or probably even younger.
there was this one time, my mother and father brought me to the old Servay building to shop and i got lost. this, i was about 4 (or less) years old. it was dark and so i ran home. i remember i was scared as i was running but in my head, i just wanted to see her. as she opened the door; in her arms, i found home. my mother spanked me for running away. i don't blame her, she was probably worried sick and that too was the first time i saw my mother cried.
again as so i was told, when i was a baby, small enough to be my in her arms, we were carjacked. i was in the backseat with her, my mom driving and my great grandmother in front. she was the person who held me tight and didn't let me go. so without her, i probably wouldn't be here, writing this here and now.
this wonderwoman, superwoman and inspiration is my grandmother. the mother to my mother. she is too, the reason why i'm a pampered child. she had always been there for me. always strong. always asking if i'm hungry or tired and is the person that celebrates my ever win, big or small.
all my life, i can honestly only remember her laughing, smiling, crying or mad. never in my life have i ever imagined a world without her; her sick, her weak or her dead. just last week, i got a big wake up call from god. not everyone lives forever and if you don't treasure them while they're around, you'll live with that regret for the rest of your life.
there was a point in time last week, i was so certain i was going to lose her. thinking about it, only made me cry like a sore loser. so then i decided, i was going to suck it in and go to the hospital and see her. on the way there, my mom was trying to keep every conversation light and allowed the space to cry once in a while. getting down the car was the hardest part. walking to her room was even harder. i promised myself to cry it all out in the car so that she wouldn't see me like this and lose the motivation to get better. just as i saw her lying on the hospital bed pass the curtains, all the hard work was all wasted. i held her hands and cried like a baby.
i wished, so bad that we were alone. there were so many things i wanted to say to her. things like, how life would be so meaningless without her. how she must get better for me. how she must be strong and watch me get married and have beautiful babies. i'm not asking for a lot. just a few more years. just hold on for a little longer. just for me.
as we speak, she's recovering well. i can't wait to see her again. :)
here's something random :P
if i had a boy, i'd name him Jayden Keanu _.
if i had a girl, i'd name her Keira Rosalie _.
:3
i'm not baby obssessed, just love the names :)
i love my wai po.
she's my biggest fan.
she's my life support.
she's my grandmother.
she's my home.
earth to bloggers: au revoir.
if i could turn back time, i would have never done what i did. if i could, i would apologize, Hans, for whatever i did and if it means anything, i would like to be your friend again.
there are a million things i can think of doing now but yet, i'm here.
earth to bloggers; hello.
after all the pain endured; after all the tears shed; after all the hardship to overcome experienced and after all the time wasted thinking about it, i've finally realized or discovered the source of my pain. expressing it, makes this rock of pain feel like a pebble :)
i remember someone wise once told me: to overcome a problem, find the root of it. maybe the words he used were deeper. i dunno. but yeah, something similar.
being dumped has never been easy. especially when you're the one at the losing end. dumped, as in, by friends you really care about and really have put efforts into them. friends once vowed that we'd be friends forever and look what time has evolved us into.
if i could say this to you, i would say:
why did you think that way? that i'd leave everyone behind and go my own way. you know that only mattered to me. where else would i go if not with you? has it ever occured to you that i would die for you? that to me, you mattered THAT much. you were THAT MUCH a friend to me. and yet, you could abandon me with a click of your finger. have you forgotten that we made a pact? to go through it all together. i haven't forgotten. has lust gotten the best of you? you're not the girl i once knew and cherish or the girl whom i called my best friend. i don't know you anymore, stranger. i know one thing though, i really do miss you.
it's strange how time can change a person. how a person can change another person. how those two persons can put all the assumptions together and assume you the thief. assume you the bad guy.
it has grown to an extent where there's no turning back. and it looks like, you don't miss me at all. even if i had the chance now, i wouldn't know what to do. but, it's stupid. why i'm clinging on to this so desperately. why i'm putting myself through hell when you don't give a fuck shit. and thus, from today onwards, you will mean NOTHING to me as i mean nothing to you. you will be a mere piece of shit to me as that is what you assume me to be, i suppose. call me traitor, but you left me first. you changed first. you never once gave me the opportunity to voice out to this assumptions. how do you propose that makes me feel? to be caught red handed for something you didn't do. worst of worst, you said all those bullshit about me to my boyfriend. how do you think he would have felt? was your intention to make him leave me? smartass, aren't you?
call me a bitch, i really don't fucking care.
after thinking about it for so long, i realized i did the exact same thing to a friend too. why did i do it? i was too fucking blinded. it mattered to me that i had to please you. you know who you are. and if you happen to read this; fuck you.
if i could turn back time, i would have never done what i did. if i could, i would apologize, Hans, for whatever i did and if it means anything, i would like to be your friend again. we had our moment together. i loved your jokes and the way you make me laugh. though, you were a pervert, you were a true friend. to whatever that blinded me from seeing that, i'm a shithead for forgetting what meant the most; our friendship.
to learn is to realize your mistakes. to change is to start anew by amending those mistakes. or in my case, wipe those fucking tears away and rip off the scabs.
i want to change. for the better and for a new life without you and you. a life where you're a speck of dust or a piece of rubbish i'll step around or throw it into the rubbish bin.
earth to bloggers; goodbye.
f3
