je vous vois.

i have something bothering me. something as in something in ma head. i can't tell you what it is though. i mean, it would be awesome if i could figure out myself what it was in the first place.

i think blogging like this is going to let me get something off my shoulders. i can't seem to concentrate. this sucks.

-10 mins later-

okay, i've got nothing. am not going to waste my time on something that's making me paranoid like this.

if someone figures out what in the hell world is wrong with me, please dial +673-86-whitney-is-mental. :)

like i said i would, i revamped my layout. i don't know about you, but i kind of like it :) i didn't really like the fact that it had to be all black though - it's a bit too dull, but then again, i like the blog picture :) i know i don't look very pretty, okay! don't have to tell me! i know i know, but i can't change who i am so might as well embrace it :)

these past couple of days, i will not deny - i have been quite numb. i found a new anesthetic in mr.pillowtalk. it's like whenever i feel the pain catching up with me, all i have to do is search my msn favourites list and as long as he is on - i am rescued. as of now he is not on, so might as well take this opportunity to prison break here.

as much as possible, i keep myself entertained nowadays. not giving any chance for me to think too much. even when i sleep, i think about the singapore slingers (HAHA!) and somehow, i manage to fall asleep. oh and, for the record, i wasn't delusional. he really did wave at me :) he knew who i was and where i sat :) i was sooooooooooooooooooooo high when he told me :)

i just happened to be slacking this morning. maths tomorrow - gah, not really worried. and whenever i watch tv, the first few channels i flip to are mtv, channel v and e-news. so there i was switching the channel to 714 and this song began to play. oh my gooossssshhhhhh, i can't even begin to tell you how the pain nearly drowned me. it just put everything i had been trying so hard to avoid in front of my f-ing face. honestly, i tried really hard to put up a show. and this song just really burnt the whole show down.

i'm going to literally copy the lyrics here but i suggest you read the lyrics only when you've heard the song. it's my current favourite song. the more i hear it, the more i feel i'm actually sane. i missed this pain, being numb was fun but it wasn't real. so, enjoy :)

THERE IS NO WORDS TO DESCRIBE HOW EXCITED I AM RIGHT NOW! also, i am very very tired!

OKAY! THE MOMENT I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR! WOOHOO! I MET SINGAPORE SLINGERS! WOOHOO!!!! i'm like so high man ;) and i think my idol waved at me, which was TOTALLY FRIGGIN' AWESOME! though we didn't get to take a picture together (SOB!), though i didn't get a shirt from them, (DOUBLE SOB!) I STILL BLOODY MET THE SINGAPORE SLINGERS! am like completely high now i have no idea why.

poor marcus ng and poor alvergara and poor hongweijian. poor marcus ng especially, he got rammed into really badly by gamaso if i'm not mistaken. the position he got hit - i could see completely clearly from my angle. gamaso(i think)'s knee completely punched his face when they were both on the ground. poor marcus.

stupidly, i actually had so much confidence in the slingers that i made a pact with a few peeps that i was going to run naked in town if they were to lose. maybe the few peeps had forgotten about it but i most definately haven't because it's my friggin' naked body we're talking about here! -.- it would definately be a sight for sore eye HEHEHE! but yeah, the first 2 quarters, the slingers didn't do very well which was REALLY SCARY! all that fussing to go early to get good seats, all that arguments and anger just to sit closest to the slingers - i thought, were all gonna be wasted. LUCKILY NOT!

okay, i know i said i died but aren't you glad i'm not? :p
maybe some of you want me to die but i'm not dead so HEH! try better next time :p


before i say anything, let me just freak out for a bit, kay?
COUNTDOWN: 5 HOURSSSSS!~!~!~!~!~! :D:D:D:D
seriously flipping right now! :)


okay, back to business. so yesterday night (HAHA!) was quite a fun night for me. he said he had never laughed like that in a long time, actually, neither have i - with anyone besides my family.
since the you-know-what incident, i keep to myself most of the time - shielding my mind from anything that could harm me. my only shelter was my family and having being made to choose between pain or nothing - i chose nothing. it was really nice to let go and let everything out and just breathe again. i haven't felt this easy in a few good months. i'll say, it's good to be back :)

but, doing things like that came with consequences. i knew the consequences was coming but still, a part of me decided to take the risk and do it. the consequence was - another sleepless night. i remember the nightmares and how i'd leave the florescent light on to convince myself to sleep. how i'd roll myself up like a sushi with two layers of blanket and putting the split unit at 16deg and convince myself: 'sleeping today is going to be easier than yesterday.'
yesterday night was very similar. though, it was good to know that even though it took me 3 hours to fall asleep and stop myself from crying, i still slept with the lights off :)

i just felt good to do it again. in case you were wondering what "it" is, it's not SEX OR ANY CRAP! eish, please don't get the wrong idea. it was just merely having a conversation - in a way that became a habit for a long time a few months ago. reliving it was fun, though it was with the wrong person - it was still really awesome that that person was you. you know who you are, mr.pillowtalk. HAHA! :x

even though towards the end, it was hard - it was good while it lasted. it was good for that few hours and how time flew. we talked for like 4 hours didcha know? woah! and i was listening to some crap Celine Dion lyrics and i found a song that was quite perfect for you, friend.

dear mr. pillowtalk, (HAHAHAHAHA!)
thank you for being there for me last night at my most lamest possible angry moment. it was really nice to be finally talking like this again. i can't begin to explain how long i had tried to bottle everything out and yesterday night, you really saved me from bursting. thank you and it's really great to have you as a friend - even though your voice is kinda weird :/ hehehe :p
p.s: i know i'm the first person to say that you're cool so i hope i'll be the first or ONE OF the first people to say that - you're a really good friend and an absolutely spot on listener :)
love loads,
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.


hmm. if you knew how mr.pillowtalk looked like - imagine him naked with an adult pampers and angel wings and a halo :O hahahahaha! ;) this song is for you! :)
classics i know i know, i'm quite old-fashioned in the music area so SUE ME~


No Mountains too high, for you to climb
All you have to do is have some climbing faith, oh yeah
No rivers too wide, for you to make it across
All you have to do is believe it when you pray

And then you will see, the morning will come
And everyday will be bright as the sun
All of your fears cast them on me
I just want you to see...

I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I am your angel
And when all hope is gone, I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm near
It makes no difference who you are
I am your angel
I'm your angel

I saw the teardrops, and I heard you cry
All you need is time, seek me and you shall find
You have everything and you're still lonely
It doesn't have to be this way, let me show you a better day

And then you will see, the morning will come
And all of your days will be bright as the sun
So all of your fears, just cast them on me
How can I make you see...

I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I am your angel
And when all hope is gone, I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm near
It makes no difference who you are
I am your angel
I'm your angel

And when it's time to face the storm
I'll be right by your side
Grace will keep up safe and warm
And I know we will survive

And when it seems as if your end is drawing near
Don't you dare give up the fight
Just put your trust beyond the sky...

I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I am your angel
And when all hope is gone, I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm near
It makes no difference who you are
I am your angel
I'm your angel

I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I am your angel
And when all hope is gone, I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm near
It makes no difference who you are
I am your angel
I'm your angel

Whitney Then Yi Han died today.

i will be changing my blog's main picture soon! woohoo!
this is much thanks to celine and her superior (er longkang type one :p) photography skills :)

it will be uploaded soon :D alongside the change in the layout of the blog :)

i feel like every time i change the layout of my blog, i am sort of like closing a chapter in my life. i remember the darker days where my picture was like all EMO-ish and stuff and things are turning out to be brighter and brighter for me - which is great! -thumbs up-

as difficult as it is, i'm still struggling to get by each day but nonetheless, i am getting by. somehow, a part of me believes that everything that is fated to be together will be together in the end. as for others, not so lucky i suppose. i'm not holding on to anything at the moment. like the 'miracle' picture now - i'm embracing everything that comes my way - good or bad.

i liked my previous post. i didn't really feel like blogging today because i wanted that quote to stay on top. i just so happened to be surfing around and landed onto an acquaintance's blog. that quote there really expressed what i've been feeling for the past couple of days. he found the right words to say it and it fitted me perfectly. although he might never visit this blog, i'd still like to say - thanks, chuck :) you really lifted a weight off my shoulders.


and OH YEAH~! COUNTDOWN: 4 DAYS~!
i'm so excited~~~


lyrics of the day: 'why do i keep running from the truth? when all i ever think about is you.'

i hate it when a good book is made into a movie. i was so bored that i redownloaded twilight and rewatched it. kinda regretted doing so because everytime i think of Edward Cullen's (book version) flawlessness - i see Rob Pat -.- damn annoyed but ahh, what to do? what is done can't be undone, no?

like everything else in life, we make our own decisions which leads to other decisions and other decisions and sometimes it's so bad, you completely go off course from what you wanted in the first place. that was sort of what happened to me, i suppose. right now, i am absolutely positively sure that i'm too coward to make any decisions of my own. it seems like whatever i do, it definately has a whiplash and might i say, i'm no good at all with whiplashes. so instead, i shall let fate lead me where it wants to. fall in love again or stay single for life - get married and have kids or stay single for life - have a one night stand or be a virgin for life (HAHAHA! sorry, i just had to add this one in :p) - shouldn't really bother me. i believe in karma - though, i don't really know how that's related to fate -sweat- .

anyhoo, ever since a few weeks ago, i devoted myself to the lifestyle of a vegetarian. well, semi - vegan at least. i still eat fish and egg. i haven't touched meat and beef or lamb or whatever in WEEKS! it's kind of hard to believe for me as well, seeing that i would have never ever eaten veges just a few weeks ago. well, i sort of still don't eat veges - not the green leafy and dead looking ones i suppose. i devote myself to potato + mixed vege patties, brocolli, tomato, lettuces, carrots and cauliflower sorts. so far so good actually. i sort of forgot how meat tastes like too. strange, i know! but i'm really proud of myself for being so :)

i take the vegan lifestyle - day by day. it's sort of like resisting temptation. it's not that i CAN'T eat but it's because i don't want to. for the first few days, it was extremely difficult, truth be told. i have chicken and beef laid in front of me everyday due to the fact that i'm solo on being a vegan in the family. wanna know a little secret? i ill-mindedly ate a smalllll piece of chicken in school on the first few days. that kind of shocked me because i sort of swore i'd go off meat for a while and just when i did, i ate it -.- yeah, kind of lame. also, being a vegan comes with a few benefits - i feel that my temper has sort of lessen. i don't know why but it's gotten better since i've chosen this lifestyle. sure, it's still difficult once in a while - doesn't help too when your friend is an excellent photographer at taking good food like steak and fries - but yeah, i'm loving it :) hopefully, i'll be able to stick to this lifestyle throughout my life :D i am truly blessed that i have a family - especially my mum - who completely supports me on this by splurging cash on expensive vege patties and what not. love you mum :)

hopefully by sticking to this diet, i'll be able to lose weight too. i heard singapore is really against overweight people - which makes me all the more scared. i am determined! from december to march, i'm going to hardcore exercise EVERYDAY until i reach my ideal weight. i'm praying very hard too that i stick to my words this time :D so far, the feeling of determination hasn't decreased so i guess it's a good thing, again - i am taking this day by day - one step at a atime :) my ultimate goal is to go sg and study, i suppose so i'm going to do whatever i can to achieve it. YOU GO WHITNEY! :D

they say fat people never get married because of their appearance. that is harsh but that is also singapore. one of the world's leading countries or however you call it and it's my ultimate goal. hopefully, i'll get there - i want to, so so badly.


oh yeah,
COUNTDOWN: 5 days! i guess i'll be updating everyday until that day.

i'm so excited~

bloggy ah, please bear with me for a bit. i know i'm not supposed to be emo. especially not now but i really need to get this off my shoulders before i dive back into my studies. i can't concentrate. i promise to keep it short, bloggy - i have no one else to turn to anymore.

i believe it's healthy to change blog name or link or whatever you call it once a while.

if and when i do, posts here will not be removed.
they are all memories - good and bad - that i will always treasure for the rest of my life.

my new blog link will be distributed to close friends and family only :)
please approach me if you'd still like to follow me :)

it will not contain tagboard and feedjit or whatever.
i guess i've just come to a point where i don't really care who visits it anymore.
it would be like a diary but online because typing is always easier than writing :P
doesn't help that my handwriting is very ugly either x_x

whitney,
thank you very much for your kindness in lending me your (that something). i know i can sense that you dislike me, maybe after (that incident). well, still you care to lend a helping hand when i need one, so i really appreciate it and i'm touched. you know... i must admit that it is not easy to be friends with you at times but i don't hate you. i still treat you as a friend because i care for my friends and i remember all the good things they've done to me. it is our last year anyway. so yea... i hope we're friends =)
her name.

that was written to me a while ago. sure it wasn't a big deal but yet again, it's not like everyday that i lose a friend.

if i were to reply to you that day, friend, i think i would have been really mean. i would have not given a fuck and wrote all sort of things that were going to hit you like the bomb that sank japan.
today, i am proud and happy to say that i am somewhat of a different person. it may not be a big difference but i believe a little difference goes a long way - whatever that means.

i post this note up to remind me of you. sure, you may not be a very important person to me and vice versa but at least i'd remember you and all the things we've been through.
if i were to reply this letter today, gosh, i don't think i'd know where to start but hmm, i'll try nonetheless. forgive me if any of my words offend you. they are all my personal opinion and lol, it wouldn't matter because you might never visit my blog and you might never see this post anyways. so here we go!



dear friend,
like any friend in need, i would have been the first person to jump in and help. that has always been in me - whether you know that or not doesn't matter, whether i go overboard sometimes or not doesn't matter either. i like helping my friends, and i helped you. that sort of shows that you are my friend - even though sometimes i may not show it. nowadays, i try very hard to at least smile at you. i can't tell you why we're still not talking because mostly, it's my fault. i just don't want to get hurt again. hope you understand when that sentence is clear as day. i just don't want to dive back into that dark hole when i'm in such a happy place right now. i'm surrounded by family and people i love - my friends. i'm sick of arguments, backstabbing and talking bad or what not. i just don't want to go back there. ever. i hope you know that too, being your friend isn't easy. you're so close sometimes and i could never reach you. maybe i was trying too hard, i don't know. i just didn't appreciate our last moments together and i'm happy they're behind us. sometimes, i know you're really smart at all, it doesn't mean that gives you the right to talk low about someone else - people whom you should respect, especially. no matter who is backing you up, you should know that deep down inside, you should respect your friends and respect the people around you. and forgive me, stop acting like a bitch just because you're having a bad day. you once asked me, how did i do it all - friends, school and what not. i give you one piece of advice, life is a show. you put up an act all the time. i do and i know you can too. sometimes, you can't always be first. sometimes, YOU have to be the LAST person YOU should worry about because the people you love - your friends and family - should come first. truth be told, i really did try to be your friend. i just didn't have the patience, that's all. i'm sure you're well and surrounded by people who adore you in ways i couldn't. and i'm sorry we never turned out to be good friends like i thought, initially, we could. i'd like things to be kept this way - not having something to talk about gives me a peace of mind. wish you all the best for whatever you'll be doing in the future. and know that maybe in years to come, if we have the chance to ever meet again, i'll make sure i'll remember you, smile at you and tell my kids that you were one of the smartest people i knew and you were too, once, my friend.
regards,
whitney.

with that, i threw the note you wrote me away.