je vous vois.

just let cancer spread through me and kill me already.

damon, my love. baby, you're my disease.

should i put up the chat box thing again? i seem to have quite a decent number of following :) i'm really considering if i should :/ it's nice to get some feedback once in a while from you guys. leave comments on if you think i should or if you would drop a couple of words if i put the chat box thing up again. can't wait to hear your responses :D

i will never be able to explain the pain you've caused me.

TESTING 1,2,3.

i guess a little part of me is sad...

it's been a while since i've been here. i don't know what has changed or what hasn't. mostly, i've been pretty ignorant about my surroundings. i've also done loads of travelling in between so i've definitely gain weight. lol.

it's been forever since i've been here.

firstly,

i have no idea why you call yourself 'little'. honestly, you are almost twice my age so no, if you ever pick up english and read this, stop calling yourself 'little'. you ain't nothing close to little, boy.

secondly,

WHY IN FUDGE DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO HOT?!

-drools-

dang it. save me!

what is the meaning of love? i have yet to find the perfect definition.

in the society that we live in, does love really exist? can you really love someone with all your heart and soul?

if you ask me if i believe in love, i would not be able to answer you.

someone once told me that i've never known what love is, to that i think so too.

no matter what hasten beating of the heart i felt, no matter what daydreams i've had, i've never experienced what it means to love.

love may never come for me, i can sort of finally come to terms with that.

i just want you to know that,

it was amazing. hearing your voice. having it spring so suddenly out of no where made it even more special for me. so i thank you.

you know, i couldn't stop smiling. it was one of the higher lights of my day. so thank you for that too.

love may never come for me, i know that now.

but even so, i can't help but wish that hopefully,

it will one day find me.

ok, i know i should be asleep right now because i have to wake up early for my driver's lessons (yay!) and my extra accouting class (roar!) but I'M JUST SO EXCITED!

i can't say what yet and it really sucks that i can't because i want to blurt it out so badly BUT i won't. i'll be a good girl and wait till tomorrow when it's official then blurt it all over here.

-went away for 5 mins-

I'M STILL SO EXCITED! oh gosh. am going crazy here. when you have bad news, you just don't really want anyone to know about it and no matter how people try and force it out of you, there's no way you will go about talking about it. but when it's EPIC GOOD NEWS, how the hell do you control yourself and NOT SAY ANYTHING? this is going to be an awesome but also difficult challenge for me. JUST ONE DAY! ONE DAY! the first person i am going to tell? MUM! she's going to be so happy! YAY YOU!

urgh. shut up, i am not lesbian, not getting married, not pregnant and definately not pregnant, thank you very much.

i don't know why i'm so excited really. and i didn't really understand why i was so excited until a good buddy of mine, nick, told me this - when you're at the 4th floor and you look up to 7th floor, it's going to look like meh, nothing. but when you walk down the stairs to the ground floor, and you try lift your head up again and look at the 7th floor, you'll be going WOAH! that high up? 4th floor being your normal emotions on a daily basis. 7th floor being a good news. ground floor being your sad fillings (oops!) feelings at the time.

i've been stuck on the ground floor for a couple of months now and i really have no idea how a small good news can seem so good to me now but it does. i really can't wait for october, it's even worse now that i am so looking forward to christmas! if it ever happens. OH GOD, PLEASE LET IT HAPPEN!

i really can't wait to break the news when it's finally official tomorrow, buddy. and if you ever come by and visit this place, my blog i mean, i really wanna just tell you out and about now that i'm so glad you shared this with me first. and how this little good news has just lit up my life. it gives me something to actually look forward to and hopefully, make the time go by faster!

i'll be praying that you'll have a safe trip. i'll be praying to seeing you very soon.



until tomorrow or whenever i drop by again,

i promise i'd be back! i know, i know. i'm in school and i'm supposed to be studying for my business studies test. for some reason, i'm not really worried about it. i thought i did okay for yesterday's test. taylor, maslow, mayo, hertzberg, vroom, mcclelland. you name it! :p

i feel like it's been forever since i've been here. it sounds cheesy and stupid but i feel like i've grown since then. we are constantly growing - backwards and forwards. it all depends on how we view things. you could be optimistic; you could be pessimistic; you could be wired to the moon; you could be realistic.

i don't have much time (roughly 5 minutes before sue is finished with her delayed economics test) so i'll make this quick. i'll probably elaborate later on when i get home but then again it will most probably depend if i feel like it or not.

today is a lousy day. i really am wondering when my silver lining will appear. i feel like i'm sort of having a mid-life crisis right now. everything i do or say is wrong or will hurt people. i don't want to be this way. i don't want to feel like this. i don't want to cause problems and i don't want to be the cause of the problem.

is there really any way to go around it? to become a friend and a person who is responsible? is it possible to be strict and follow the rules and yet still be able to have friends that you can fool around it?

i don't suppose i will say what the fuck is wrong with me here and who or what made me this way but i suppose from now on, i will be a much sadder and lonelier person than i ever was. not that i was much of a jolly person before but you get the flow.

i can't seem to get it right. it has happened before and it is happening again. i can't have what i want because what i want is wrong. i have to become what everybody else wants and expects me to be. not that i mind, but it can be a little tiring. facades are difficult to pull no matter how good you are at it.

then there are thoughts of backing out of all these responsibilities. i keep asking myself, "why do you put yourself through this shit day after day?" and to this day i have no idea of the answer.

i suppose talking about my problems here would somehow make me feel better but it hasn't at all. i probably feel worse now. as much as i hope that the moment i get home and start watching movies and hope that these thoughts and feelings of wanting to just stab myself and give up will just go away, i'm sure nothing of sorts will happen.

when life get's tough, i'd really like to give up, please.
take me away. it's as if i care.

having to hear her say that she was disappointed in me made me really wanted to stab myself and just bleed and die. there was nothing like it. to have someone you respect say that they are disappointed in you, and even though they add later on that you're actually doing great, doesn't exactly make you feel better.

(grrr... what is sue taking so long? -_-)

i can see that i am going around in circles. and by now, any of you out there actually staying tuned to this would probably be thinking - what the fuck?

i'm sorry to have wasted your time.
and as much as i'd like to actually pour my whole heart here, i won't. there things just better remain unspoken for it would cause more pain to people (even though i don't really give a fuck how they feel).

yes, i am referring to you. you know who you are. not that i blame you. not that i am in ANY position to blame you. but i want you to know that you don't know me. and you can't pass judgement just from something you heard somewhere.(people never seem to stop doing that, do they?)and that i will prove you wrong. and though i will probably hate you for the rest of my life now (on a personal level), i respect and understand why you did what you did. AND I WILL PROVE YOU WRONG. and it wouldn't matter to me that by then if you give a fuck about it or not because i would have already become the better person and you will still be you.

goodbye forever.

p.s. no i'm joking. goodbye for now.

p.p.s. i have written so much and sue still isn't here -_-

it's been a month since i've blogged and by god, it's been such a long month. but, i'm definitely glad to be alive.

what HAVE i been doing for this past month? i suppose mostly i've been hooked to torrent :X my friend, dan, finally knocked sense into me after all these years with the awesomeness of torrent and i've been downloading movies on a frenzy.

let's see, i've watched all Glee, all HIMYM, all Gossip Girl, all True Blood, all Ghost Whisperer, all the Mentalist, all TSLOTAT and loads of movies in between. sum up all the time i've used probably 2 weeks of time or more watching these shitz. well i suppose you call it my 'getaway'. trust me, there's A LOT of things in my life now that i really really wanna get away from.



today, i received some horrible news. i guess that's the main reason why i'm here.

i was told that my cousin in australia ran away from home. he's 15 this year. he's 15 and he ran away from home. his mother is bipolar and his stepfather is abusive. how does he live? how does he survive? my life is minimal shitz compared to the things he go through. and i can't help but blame myself because there were so many chances where i could have emailed him. and maybe if he had someone to talk to, it would at least still keep him a little sane. he needs his family now more than anything and yet there is no one to turn to at all. i heard that he's previously been to several foster homes. well, several would be an understatement. you go from one place to another and those places, you will never be loved and you will never be able to call home.

bipolar is a very serious mental illness. and from the bottom of my heart, i can only imagine what he goes through everyday and i can't help but feel his pain. thinking about him makes me cry. he's a good kid and has his head in the right place. but the last time i met him, it was a year ago. alot of things can happen in a year, heck, a lot of things can happen in a day.

- doug, i know you'll probably never read this but i miss you like crazy. and i love you and i want you to come home. screw your mom, come with me and i will provide you a home. we are family after all. i don't think i'll ever be able to comprehend why you ran away. and i probably will never know the whole circumstance but if you think you're happier away then run free. i hope you are safe wherever you are. you're always in my prayers.

i suppose this post is going to sound very sucky now with loads of english error because in front of me i have mum, sis and bro fooling around to waka waka.

no matter how horrible problems are at home for me, i don't think it will be as bad as having an abusive stepfather and a mother who can't love you because she's too crazy half the time.

it makes me feel relieved and painful at the same time. relieved that no matter how horrible i thought my family problems were, we're still a family and we're still together. and i feel painful because instead of it happening it to me, it's happening to another person i hold dearly by heart.



- doug, i love you. be safe.

when someone punches you in the face
a normal human being would normally retaliate
i, however, would go into the corner or my room and read twilight repeatedly.

I've been hurt beyond repair. It's the type of hurt where you never saw it coming and well basically, there aren't any words for it. So far, only the closest of my closest friends know about this. I feel much better after having a shoulder to lean on. Though, the pain sort of backfired when I had a friend laugh at me today.

I am stupid. I am naive. I am gullible.

I was, am and will always seem to be.

I remember crying due to the end of a relationship. It seems so little compared to what I am going through right now. There are really no words. And to the end, I just really don't care anymore. I need myself to stop caring to protect my heart. If not, death may be the only way to go.


When you've lost your purpose in life.
When you can no longer behold the rationale of your existence.
When everything is crumbling before you.
When you feel like there's no tomorrow.
When you feel like you can't go on.

What's Next?

don't read the plot. don't read behind the dvd. just watch it. you're in for a surprise.

robert pattinson, i have to admit, did a pretty convincing job. alongside, emilie de ravin and pierce brosnan.

gave me a horrible heartache. so painful that i forgot to cry. it feels awesome to be in pain again. however fake or short term it may be.

overall story i would rate a 7.5
ending definately a 9. though i am not convinced that the lil girl's hair can be THAT long again within a year (trust me, i've been there.)
actors a spot on 9

nobody is perfect. so does anybody actually deserve a 10?

i know it's been forever since i blogged so before i go away for a couple of days, i think it's only right for me to finally clear the air.

i am not weak. i will not back down if you attack me. i will not ignore the problem if you try and fight me. i will fuck you up if you insult my family. i will spit at you for being the fag that you are. and how from you, god be damn, i learnt to be a better person - a person that's anyone but you.

that's my true colour. that's me if you mess with me. i can be nice, the nicest, most crowd-pleasing person on earth. i can also be mean, a damn straight bitch from hell.

sorry for the vulgarities but it's really really really about time that i clear the air.

to all the people recently whom of which, i have seen your true colours. i will learn to stay away. i do not want to be like you. i want to be above you. i don't know how i brought myself to finally open my eyes and see but i have. gosh, i finally have. all those emo posts from years ago. all those times WASTED crying and being upset over NOTHING.

no more.

i am happy. and i will forever be happy. hopefully when i emo in the future, this post will make me change my mind. which would mean, less hate posts = hiphiphooray.

thank you for your attention. now if you would kindly move your cursor to the top right hand corner and click! goodnight.

i know i've broken the rule yet again for posting twice in a day. no matter, what matters is that i have something to say and unless it is spoken, closure lurks far away from me. well i wouldn't say i found this in a friend of mine's profile because she actually isn't a friend of mine. i may not know her well but i do know that she is an awesome person. she got her heartbroken-ed from a two and a half year relationship. sure, mine only lasted for 5 silly months but still, i can totally relate to her. i fell that hard. i hope she recovers soon and maybe, i could in secret hold her hand and we will slowly find our way to closure together. here's what she had to say.

YY, this is for you.

Our story has three parts; a beginning, a middle and an end. And although this is the way all stories unfold. I still can’t believe that ours didn’t go on forever…

I finally understood what true love meant… love meant that you care for another person’s happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face might be.

I’ll think about you every day. Part of me is scared that there will come a time when you don’t feel the same way, that you’ll somehow forget about what we shared.

It’s possible to go on, no matter how impossible it seems, and in time, the grief… lessens. It may not go away completely, but after a while it’s not so overwhelming.

Love should bring joy, it should grant a person peace, but here and not, it was only bringing pain.

We met at a carefree time, a moment full of promise, in its place now were the harsh lessons of the real world.

I love you, not just for now, but for always, and I dream of the day that you’ll take me in your arms again.

Part of me aches at the thought of him being so close yet untouchable, but his story and mine are different now. It wasn’t easy for me to accept this simple truth… Because there was a time when our stories were the same, but that was a year and a month ago.

You and I shared something wonderful, and I never want you to forget that… you are the first man I ever truly wanted. And no matter what the future brings, you will always be.

(this too, will hopefully be my last post on him...)

location: school library.

i know i shouldn't be doing this in school but might as well do it now while i'm still feeling so inspired. i don't know if i've said this before or not but i've always got something to say. sometimes, i do say it here and while others, i just run out of the inspiration to and then forget it. forgetting is not good so DO NOT WANT that. it's about 1.45pm now even though the library computer says its 10.43pm, and i'm here because i have a prefect meeting to attend later on (yeah, can you believe it? i might actually be a prefect :O). a smackdown is not the best way to start a day. and i've never actually smackdown-ed anyone before. i don't really know the real meaning of the word 'smackdown' but to me, i guess it means a major confrontation. i really didn't want it. trust me, but soemtimes, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do to defend herself. i didn't want to do it but i felt that this time, i finally did the right thing.

so yeah, as usual, i'm not going to name names. i have to admit i don't really like her from the beginning but i would never have been unprofessional about it. maybe it was because i was wrong before and i had taken rage the unprofessional way but not this time and hopefully never again in the future. so yeah, the teacher who was supposed to be teaching at that moment had to miss her class for our prefect meeting. so she asked me nicely to help her bring the transparencies up to the current Set in to which, i kindly accepted the responsibility. that teacher is an awesome teacher so, i would be wrong if i didn't carry out my task correctly. so yeah, i went into the class and there she was sitting amongst the crowd. and when she saw me, man, her eyes could have rolled to the back of her head. she gave me this hateful glare in which i professionally ignored because it was the right thing to do. as per the teacher, i had to make sure they copied the notes on the transparencies and that when they were done, the next set(which was my set) had to copy the notes too. i had to leave so i had to make sure that the next set's people get the idea and will copy the notes too. the teacher told me that i had to MAKE SURE the notes don't go missing is passed back to me at the end of the day. while i was making sure, BAM! she hit me.

well, she didn't really HIT me. she looked really impatient and had this disgusting look on her face. i'm sure anyone and everyone would be able to tell if they were disliked so yeah, i could tell. and she said:

"just leave the paper on the table." -roll eyes and still had the disgusting look-

being interrupted like that, i felt very offended. i wouldn't have taken it personally if i hadn't known that she had been backstabbing me all this while. she tells everybody especially my friends how much a bitch i am and etc. i'm pretty sure she knows that i know she hates me and to which i actually don't give a damn but at that moment, i snapped.

"if you have something against me personally then we can talk about it later. but now, i am here on behalf of teacher XXX and my job is to make sure i get the notes back later." i said calmly.

i know it may seem like i'm trying to make myself look like a hero but this is facts, PEOPLE. i'm really not lying, this was how it went down. you can ask all the other 20 over kids in the room and hopefully, they will tell you exactly the same thing.

"who has a problem with you?" -roll eyes- "who wants to copy these notes anyways?" -roll eyes and waved hand and stomped off-

and i was left standing there looking like a dumb ass. i felt the rage boiling in me and for a moment there i really wanted to slap after her and just yell at her for doing that to me. but i didn't. i made sure the notes would be properly together and given to the next set properly and left.

oh believe me, there were so many moments in which i really wanted to tell the teacher to screw her and not appoint her as a prefect. but i have decided now, against it. i've handled this kind of people before. and i've gone through years of being in the same class with a person i don't like and still come out alive at the end of the journey. with that in mnid, i'm sure i can do it again.

but it's just that, i've never smackdown-ed anyone before. it's just this rush of adrenaline that did it.

and before you know it, almost everyone in the humanities stream knew about this little smackdown.

i will stand firm and say thank you to God for giving me the patience and letting me see what i was going to lose had i really gone after her or told anyone official about this. if i went after her, i would have surrendered to rage. if i told anyone official, i would be cast as the weakling and the lame crap who can't handle anything herself - and HOPEFULLY, we all know i'm not like that. well, i KNOW i'm not like that.

i dedicate this post to her. thank you, for giving me my first smackdown and making me realize that my temper is something i can control. i've always felt very shaky about myself and now i am sure. hopefully, i will be able to look back to this awesome experience and always remember that i'm that little bit more mature now and that i'm that little bit more professional now.

i want to be a good person. i want to be a leader. i want to be a person everybody can trust and depend on. with the guidance of God, my family and friends - i know i will and can be.

from my cousin's blog, (ta kor if you ever read this, say hi to me in facebook!) i found out that the last time i blogged was 2 weeks ago. as a matter of fact, i feel, the last time i REALLY really blogged was probably a month and a bit ago. that's probably 5 weeks. and what happened to me in these 5 weeks? well, life did.

during the holidays, i went to 2 AWESOME retreats that brought me back to God. i pray all the time now, thanking Him for bringing me back under His wings. i do hope that the decisions i make in the days ahead will serve Him right - no matter what. no matter where i'll be, He knows that i will always have Him at heart.

i know i said before that i only come here when i'm either super sad/emo or super happy/i've-got-something-super-awesome-to-talk-about. well, i guess this post will kind of break that rule because i'm neither one of em' now.

i remember the post - closure. i remember promising myself that i would move on. well, if you have been staying tuned, i DID try to move on. but everytime, i turn my head to look back and see how far i've gotten, i realize - i'm still at square one.

stupid stupid STUPID whitney.

i thought you promised yourself that you were going to move on? that no matter what happened, nothing was going to affect you. nothing was ever going to bring you down anymore! nothing was ever going to ruin the new friendship you found. nothing was going to shake you, whitney. NOTHING.

i can't stop my mind from thinking that maybe, he was with me because i could give him the things he wanted. i could give him the equipments he needed so badly and when he had them with my money, he could be done with me. all those nights we spent on the computer talking was just a ploy to get me to spit out everything that was in me for him. every moment i thought that would last was just a plot to crush me at the end of the day and leave me permanently damaged. it's been 7 months and i'm still here. so why am i so damn stupid?

i can't stay at Avalon and continue to pretend like i'm okay. because i'm not. yesterday was awesome, but the aftermath of it was just... horrifying. i found myself not being able to sleep again and crying like a baby because i didn't know how else to distract the pain. i can't stay at Avalon especially when i'm having these stupid thoughts and being around was only going to fuel it. I DON'T WANT TO HAVE THESE THOUGHTS. but i can't seem to give myself another reason why it didn't work out in the end. oh, it wasn't meant to be. oh, i'm just not good enough.

everybody, they love a winner - so nobody loved me.

every moment we spend together will just push me from threading water to become drowning in it. everything that we do together will only continue to blur the lines that i drew so distinctly between me and you. i have fallen out of closure and back into the hell hole that i'd happily stay in because i could see you as much as i wanted if i was there. i keep forgetting that i can't WANT you anymore. and that i can't HOLD your attention. i can't MAKE you talk to me. i, obviously, don't make you very happy. so why continue sticking around when we all know it was mission impossible? you may think i don't know you but a little voice inside my head does. and when you decide on something, you stick to it. you've stuck to maybe all your decisions in life well, except for me and our happy ending. i need to get over you... again. and to do that, i must leave.

i'm heartbrokened. and the only way for me to crawl my way back into closure again is to leave the people i love - all of you, in Avalon. i love ALL OF YOU in Avalon. and please don't ever doubt that i do so. i'm going to really miss you guys. and as much as it kills me, it's really unfair for me to keep burdening you guys with this - especially you, mama bangs. i have to learn to deal it myself - like what i'm doing with everything else in my life right now.

i believe and have confidence that one day, i will really move on. i really believe it. but till that day comes, i promise to keep my distance and remain withdrawn to protect my already shattered heart from becoming dust particles.

the truth is i never left you.

i'm defying gravity.

i loved you so much.


so so much.

i may not know a lot about art but i would love to. i wish i wasn't always so preoccupied with everything else all the time and just LIVE art. but sadly, that isn't the case. so hey, one day, it just so happen to be chinese new year and like always, there are lion dance performances in the school hall. i was late for it (CRAP) and so i had to stand amongst the crowd. and just so happen there was this man standing in front of me. and his shirt had so many words on it, it made me dizzy at first. a lot of crappy things happened that day, which led to me feeling crappy now too but it doesn't stop me from reading and reading again one of the most awesome shit ever. i have no idea why i find it so awesome but i'm just so drawn to the idea of art put into words. and you feel it, ever sentence of it. and i'd like to share it with all of you and as part of the passage says, i hope to inspire you and our knowledge today will be our power tomorrow.

love, it's a special day
we should celebrate and appreciate
that you and me found something pretty neat
and i know some say this day is arbitrary

but it's a good excuse, put our love to use
baby, i know what to do
baby, i...
i will love you
i'll love you, i'll love you

love, i don't need those things
i don't need no ring
i don't need anything
but you with me
'cause in your company
i feel happy, oh so happy and complete

and it's a good excuse, put our love to use
baby, i know what to do
baby, i...
i will love you
i'll love you i'll love you

yeah, its a good excuse, put our love to use
baby, i know what to do
baby, i...
i will love you
i'll love you, i'll love you

so won't you be my honey bee?
giving me kisses all the time
be mine, be my valentine

so won't you be my honey bee?
giving sweet kisses all the time
be mine, be my valentine

oh laoban, be my valentine

;)

see? the suspense was worth it, wasn't it?

i am sitting in the reception area now. it is 12.32am - midnight. i'm supposed to be at home and sleeping but instead, i am sitting here waiting for my driver cum colleague to finish work at 7am and then follow him home. it doesn't bother me much because now i have music blasting in my ears and that's all i need to keep me motivated... i think? :S it doesn't matter because my other colleague, dear Azie, is quitting today and that makes me sad :( she was one of the people who were really nice to me when i started working here so yeah, imma miss her alot. shout out to you, ma sista!

i named this post - closure - because i feel that that's sort of where i am in life at the moment. i'm happy to say that i've sort of gotten over you-know-who and trust me, it's taken me, if i'm not mistaken, 5 months and 28days to do it. oh and btw, it would have been our 1 year anniversary in 23 days time. lol. what is up with me and these calculations and statistics? i need to get a life, pronto!

i guess i won't fail to repeat how difficult it was for me. how i was so adapted to having someone i love to go home to everyday and one day when that person disappear, i sort of disappeared myself. i was wasting my life on somebody who, i suppose, don't even care if i exist or not anymore. who, maybe, in the first place didn't really care for me either. and now the even be talking about it again, is pulling back into the depth of darkness.

i refuse to let myself go there for anyone again. i won't ever ever go to that depth for anyone ever again. i need to be strong. i need to need nobody but me so that i would be able to survive on my own. i need to be independent like i used to be. i need to be able to cope with heartbreaks at the snap of a finger. i need me to be nobody but me.

despite so, i've sort of again, found somebody i can lean on. which, is sort of nice.

:)

shoutout to my dearly beloved laoban. i'll make sure i remind you to visit this page and see your name here :)

i'm sick and tired of being the first person to say i love you. so from now on, you can either tell me you love me or tell me to fuck off. to the first, in which i would reply i love you too if i really did or to the second, i would be more than happy to fuck off from your life as you want me to.

wanting and needing. i need to be able to differenciate what they mean. i don't NEED somebody to live. i don't NEED somebody to keep my heart beating and keep myself from breathing. i only wanted. and i wanted that someone to be a part of my life forever - in which he couldn't fulfill. it's sad actually. i saw our whole future together and i was really going to do whatever it took to be together. but i guess, you couldn't sacrifice that much of yourself for me and for that, i guess i will sort of somehow always remember you. i will always remember you as the man who i almost threw my whole life out for. but NO MORE! no more, will i EVER shed a tear for you. i need me to need nobody but me.

so there you have it, this is my closure. this is what i need to wake up in the morning tomorrow and tell myself that i will be able to breathe smooth and walk out the door with my head held high. this is what i need to be able to continue living my life to the fullest, to the way i want it to be lived. i needed this closure and with this behind me, i will make myself happier everyday.


and to my dearly beloved laoban - i miss you :( as of right now, i'm expecting you to be playing mahjong. lol. oh and in case i forget to tell you, i got disconnected from the phonecall with you because my telephone no money! i'm poor. shit :(

till 7.00am and bedtime at last,
goodnight all :)

i haven't blogged in a month! what have i been doing?! :O

i am officially an workaholic. all i do is work and sleep nowadays. I NEED A LIFE!

shoutout to ma dearest dan and mr. laoban! :)

i remember a long time ago, i wrote something chinese-y on my blog. wait, i didn't post it on my blog, it was just some email. it was probably the last time i cleaned my email (making a mental note to clean it later) too. there was this email for me that had chinese and english in it. i wonder if i'll be able to trace it back after having to not look into for months and months but yes, there were some chinese in that email and i remember, laugh out loud, making you read it aloud for me. i wonder if i remembered it wrongly but i knew you were extremely embarressed. i also remember that was probably one of the first time i thought you were so adorable. and that how at the every start of the day, when i woke up to your voice or the notes you left, i fall in love with you all over again.

today was a down day for me. i'm all out of tears and i'm all but lost. i can't believe after so long, it still hurts to talk about you. and when i said i missed you, that would probably be a wrong statement because even if i don't realize it, subconciously, i still miss you - everyday.

i still hope you don't come around. you don't need to see me like this. and if you do come around, i hope the chinese creeps you out and you'll decide to close instead of reading on.

despite having loads of thoughts in mind and loads of things i wish i could say but can't, i come here now with nothing to say. and this sentence is typed after backspacing 6 sentences that i have come up with and that i'm not happy with.

anyways, today is just crappy. despite work being crappy, everything else that goes with today is crappy. crap T_T

'Human beings are funny. They long to be with the person they love but refuse to admit openly. Some are afraid to show even the slightest sign of affection because of fear. Fear that their feelings may not be recognized, or even worse, returned. But one thing about human beings puzzles me the most is their conscious effort to be connected with the object of their affection even if it kills them slowly within.'
i copied this from my dearly beloved pillowtalk's tumblr. hope you don't mind.

at the sight of 'dearly beloved', i am pretty sure he is going to DO NOT WANT me. correct me if i'm wrong.

i hate today. fuck.

i was sitting on a chair, no, a log. i was sitting on something. i couldn't remember what it was. all i could feel was my heart beating - faster and faster as if it was going to fall right out of my chest if it could. something about the people around me made me excitedly suspicious. it was as if something good was coming, something i'd always wanted. so okay, i'm sorry to say i forgot most of the beginning parts but there was one part i would never, hopefully ever, forget. a colleague said something out loud and barked out a mocking laughter. i shied away because i knew it was about me for some reason and then i saw him piercing his eyes through mine. i remained where i was. for a moment, i thought i was made of stone because i couldn't move. i felt short of breath as if i was anticipating something. calm-before-the-storm-like. and then, there were more laughters. it seemed clearer to me - my surroundings. if i'm not mistaken, we were sitting somewhere in a forest where their roots and branches were benches or we were sitting somewhere with pillars high enough for him to be sitting a distance away from me but higher up. like i said, i don't remember all the specifics but before you know it, he flashed his beautiful smile and walked towards me. i felt everyone around me go still and myself standing up as if something really good was finally going to happen. something good was finally going to happen to me. from out of the blue, he reached from his back, a ring, and got down to one knee - asking for what i think he thinks i think he is asking for. i felt myself saying oh my gosh, completely flushing and his name. it was then i realized, my dream had been in black and white until the moment he pulled out the ring and the blue diamond in the centre shone like there was no tomorrow.

AND THEN I FUCKING WOKE UP! -.-

it was such an awesome dream. a proposal, something in real life, i would have almost never accepted if it was coming from the wrong person. after waking up and going to the toilet to wash up, it struck me that i never got to say yes to the man of my dreams - as much as i wanted to. dang it! -cries-

i'm glad it was a dream. first and far most, i will never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever reveal the identity of this man of my dreams. haha, yeah, he was someone i knew, and recently grew quite fond of because he had one of those to die for grin-smug-smile :3 and second of all, i would have never said yes in real life. i have maritalphobia and i'm not afraid to admit it :D

so that was my morning coffee. God has been nice to me and i'm grateful. for 30mins or so, i allowed myself to drift into the world of make believe and day dream his beautiful grin. i'm such a bloody sucker for dudes with nice smiles -_-

and i did say that my dream was in black and white until i saw the ring. that much was true. i even reseached for the god damn ring and godddd it's so beautiful~

it took me awhile to be able to step away from the door and watch daddy drive her away. but alas, i had to hide the facade and close the door because i knew, i had to be strong, despite whatever outcome might come out of this. i needed to be strong for the people that i can protect within my capabilities.

i wish i could apologize everything i start to raise my voice against my mom, but i can't. she is probably one of the few people in this world who can bring me to tears in seconds, though i admit, it's not too hard to get me to cry. i don't approve of what she is about to put herself through. i can't even think straight because what she is about to do is not within my control. and being the control freak i am, i hate not being in control.

i wish i could have have at least hugged her and let my guards down before she left. and i am cringing on to dear life hoping that my sister does not wake up the next minute and see me like this. i need to be strong. i need to be firm and in control - for my siblings, the people that i would have to give my life up for, should anything happen to my mom that would be beyond my control.

i know i have the tendency to think to much. so much that usually, i'm just scaring myself for no god be damned reason. yet, i can't stop myself from doing just so. preparation is key. always keep yourself mentally prepared and know what to expect - i guess that had always been silently my life's motto. what happens when you are faced with situations that are beyond your control? in my case, i suffer a nervous breakdown and just cry my god damned eyeballs out. but now, knowing that i have people to protect and people to care for, i can't be the weak on. i NEED to be in control.

i want my mom back. i want to be the kid i used to be and just hug her because i could. and i can't stop myself from crying because i don't know how to get pass that ego and tell her that i love her. and that i wish i could be there for her but i can't because she needs me to take care of my younger siblings. in order not to fail her, i have to sacrifice my chance of being with her...
i want to be with her now... holding her hands or at least just sit by her hospital bed and chat.

my brother needs not know this. he thinks mommy is at work. which makes it even harder for me to hide because everytime i think about what i can't predict and can't prepare myself for, i fall apart.

how am i going to get through tonight and tomorrow until i know she gets out of the operation room safe and in one piece? i do not know.

but God, if you see this. if you're there - watch over her for me, will you please? although i don't admit it or i don't show it, i need her - more than my life.

and in these desperate times, i can't stop myself from thinking of you and craving your comfort. till then, i'll be missing you.

i don't know if i really have a title for this post. if you do see a title later on, i must have probably thought about it after i wrote this sentence.


i hate quiet days at work. it just becomes... too quiet. especially because the management team aren't here today, it gives me even more space and excuse to daydream or go blank.

why couldn't i have fallen in love with someone with a less common name? maybe something like Barabas or Xenophilius or Wentworth? why did it have to be such a common name? why did it have to be so common that every time i start searching for information in the system, i see it. and everytime i do, again and again, it burns a whole in my already broken heart. and i have to go through the hurt and the pain and the tears over and over again. why?

oh, i almost forgot, Happy New Year everyone. i'm not a big fan of today. to me, it's like every other day, just with a more notable date. my resolution? i didn't really think of one either. as of this moment, i'm just trying to get by day by day. the last time i asked for the day was actually a week ago, so you can see how i'm sort of enjoying and not enjoying work at the same time. whatever, this really isn't a topic i feel comfortable talking about. in my head, they're more like little pictures instead of words so unless you can find a way to go into my head, good luck trying to figure me out.

sometimes, just sometimes, i wish i was dead. or maybe, have my memories wipe clean and start anew. suffering like this is not fun. and i seem to have nobody who understands why i am in this shithole for life. how i can't love another. how i can't move on. how i'm in this till the day i die. despite saying that i would be okay if he moved on, i know deep down inside, i wouldn't be. thinking about it, i feel myself plunging back into the depths of despair. and then i realize, i was never really out of it - no matter how i convince myself that i am.

i had so many good stuff happening in my life. for some reason, the motivation never really is strong enough for me to be here. maybe it's because happiness can be shared and when doubled, it makes the world a better place. but despair, who would want to share despair? who would be strong enough to take despair? not alot of people, i'd say.

so if you know what's good for you, don't visit here again. the only reason i come here is to prevent myself from sharing my despair with other people so that they won't have to feel the way i do.

hence, if you know what's good for you - stay away.

i'd really like a piece of his mind. and god, how much i missed it. how close i was to not being able to stop myself from hanging up the phone with his voice on the other line. how much it hurts to be away. and then, it hits me like a tonne of bricks. whitney, he doesn't want you anymore. so wake the fuck up. WAKE THE FUCK UP!
that's right. he's not mine anymore.
no, not anymore.