haha. i guess by now, you'd be bored of the fact that i always change the name of my blogspot but it is i-dunno-what-i-want now because i am really in a point of my life where i dont know what i want at all, and when i say that... i literally mean every aspect of my life.
there's nothing much to say today. tho, i had loads of fun today. it's been a while since i had fun. A WHILE.
i have been feeling quite emo today. thoughts of suicide, death and hell has been flooding my mind. it's not easy fighting these thoughts and i have learnt the art of being able to accept this flow so hiding it is ever easier :) i actually imagined myself not being apart of this world. what a serenity it would be. still, i exist and i'm making hell in everyone's lives. i'm sorry.
this is an emo post. please bare with me. in the state of emo-ness, i wish i could cut myself but i'm afraid of both pain and blood. instead, i drown myself with thoughts of dead. enough to kill me, praying that i won't wake up tomorrow.
i guess it's back to badminton. i'm pretty sure i'll miss discus. it has brought me wonderful friends and memories. more reasons to be emo about it. i've been using the word "emo" too much. FUCK.
the passion for badminton is slowing drying up. in the midst of it all, i'm starting to really fall apart. tho, a part of me has gotta be strong for recent reasons. reasons that are not to be shared with you. reasons you are not to know. you know who you are.
why am i even a part of this world? why do i have these suicidal thoughts? why am i so unhappy with life? i don't know.
what is your next move, whitney? what are you going to do next, whitney? how are you going to solve this, whitney? c'mon whitney, tell me watcha gonna do? FUCK, I DON'T KNOW. i just don't know, ok?
i still have to be strong. i believe my day will come. whereas, i would learn to be strong. i would learn to be positive. i would learn to cherish. i would learn to love. my day... when will it arrive?
what is wrong with me today? this is not me. or is it? who am i? i really don't know. i think i need a psychologist. maybe i am going crazy. what do you think? what would you think? i don't know.
i might delete this post when i feel better about myself. as of now, i feel like im a bitch.
a sad old bitch.
a ghost who doesn't know what she/he wants. signing out
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