je vous vois.

i am sitting in the reception area now. it is 12.32am - midnight. i'm supposed to be at home and sleeping but instead, i am sitting here waiting for my driver cum colleague to finish work at 7am and then follow him home. it doesn't bother me much because now i have music blasting in my ears and that's all i need to keep me motivated... i think? :S it doesn't matter because my other colleague, dear Azie, is quitting today and that makes me sad :( she was one of the people who were really nice to me when i started working here so yeah, imma miss her alot. shout out to you, ma sista!

i named this post - closure - because i feel that that's sort of where i am in life at the moment. i'm happy to say that i've sort of gotten over you-know-who and trust me, it's taken me, if i'm not mistaken, 5 months and 28days to do it. oh and btw, it would have been our 1 year anniversary in 23 days time. lol. what is up with me and these calculations and statistics? i need to get a life, pronto!

i guess i won't fail to repeat how difficult it was for me. how i was so adapted to having someone i love to go home to everyday and one day when that person disappear, i sort of disappeared myself. i was wasting my life on somebody who, i suppose, don't even care if i exist or not anymore. who, maybe, in the first place didn't really care for me either. and now the even be talking about it again, is pulling back into the depth of darkness.

i refuse to let myself go there for anyone again. i won't ever ever go to that depth for anyone ever again. i need to be strong. i need to need nobody but me so that i would be able to survive on my own. i need to be independent like i used to be. i need to be able to cope with heartbreaks at the snap of a finger. i need me to be nobody but me.

despite so, i've sort of again, found somebody i can lean on. which, is sort of nice.

:)

shoutout to my dearly beloved laoban. i'll make sure i remind you to visit this page and see your name here :)

i'm sick and tired of being the first person to say i love you. so from now on, you can either tell me you love me or tell me to fuck off. to the first, in which i would reply i love you too if i really did or to the second, i would be more than happy to fuck off from your life as you want me to.

wanting and needing. i need to be able to differenciate what they mean. i don't NEED somebody to live. i don't NEED somebody to keep my heart beating and keep myself from breathing. i only wanted. and i wanted that someone to be a part of my life forever - in which he couldn't fulfill. it's sad actually. i saw our whole future together and i was really going to do whatever it took to be together. but i guess, you couldn't sacrifice that much of yourself for me and for that, i guess i will sort of somehow always remember you. i will always remember you as the man who i almost threw my whole life out for. but NO MORE! no more, will i EVER shed a tear for you. i need me to need nobody but me.

so there you have it, this is my closure. this is what i need to wake up in the morning tomorrow and tell myself that i will be able to breathe smooth and walk out the door with my head held high. this is what i need to be able to continue living my life to the fullest, to the way i want it to be lived. i needed this closure and with this behind me, i will make myself happier everyday.


and to my dearly beloved laoban - i miss you :( as of right now, i'm expecting you to be playing mahjong. lol. oh and in case i forget to tell you, i got disconnected from the phonecall with you because my telephone no money! i'm poor. shit :(