i am bitter. though bitter, i'm surprised i'm not sad.
if this happened to me 2 years ago, i probably would have killed myself already. i could have probably related myself to every sad song and cry for the whole day again like i did the last time. surprisingly, i haven't shed a tear. NOT ONE. trust me, it hurts. i've tried so hard to cry, i watched Meteor Garden, i listened to the saddest songs and i just kept forcing my mind to think about it and what do you know? Nada. Zip. Nothing. I ARE SURPRISED.
i won't lie. and i can't believe i'm actually admitting this now but when it became official(for like 2 days?), i was seriously scared. the little voice in my heart actually told me to give up. i kept thinking. is this what my whole life is going to be about? is this it? am i going to go overseas and not be able to even ogle over hot guys and remain faithful forever? okay okay. i know that makes me sound REALLY shallow but hey, sue me. there are so many things i want to accomplish in life. i want to travel the world. i want to have a home i can call my own. i want to fall madly, deeply, passionately in love. i want to live freely without commitment. i want to go out into this world, fall, hurt myself and come crawling back and say: mommy, you were right.
when it became official, i saw all those dreams disappear and i bit my tongue while erasing them. still, i erased them. because the rational little dude in my head told me that it was the right thing to do. sure, he wasn't passionate about you. sure, he's not exactly the man of your dreams. sure, you probably have to give up having a big house in australia and have a ranch and have Alaskan huskies running around in your back yard. But. But But But. He can provide. he would have been someone mommy and daddy would agree upon. he would have been someone who could give you a home and a stable life. you could have beautiful children and lead a beautiful life and grow old together. no sparks, no fireworks, Nada.
i could never let myself say these things beforehand just because, i wanted security. i needed that sense of assurance. i would have given up anything to be able to provide for my children and cater to their every needs. i would have given up my ranch, my dogs, seeing the world, falling madly in love and have all my daydreams not come true for the sake of my future children.
is it weird for me to be talking about children? i am 19 after all. but hey, there are lots of teenage mothers out there who became mothers when i was in middle school. i wonder what they think about?
there's a reason why i'm so scared. i, personally, come from a broken family. growing up, i've probably heard about a hundred stories of broken marriages and messed up children. do i ever want that to happen to me? no. growing up, wasn't easy. life was tough in the sense that, nothing you ever do is ever good enough. you were never praised, encouraged and you ARE never put first. it is also the reason why i'm so bloody selfless. because all my life, it has been hammered in me that if everyone else is unhappy, you do not deserve to be happy. it is only when everybody else is happy, then you are entitled to be happy. please don't think i'm trying to praise myself. god, i wish i could be more selfish. but every time i try to be, i let someone down. i make someone sad. and the girl that i was brought up to be shows up again and i would probably give up my life just for anyone or anything, if need be. KILL MYSELF.
i don't mean to sound rude. i don't mean to make anyone feel not good enough but i've been hiding these words for so long, my head is going to seriously explode like an atomic bomb. though i feel it doesn't change anything. when the chance presents itself again and Mr.Could-Be-The-Right-One comes knocking on my door telling me that we could have a beautiful life with blue-eyed(i wish) children together, i don't think i'll hesitate.
what about my dreams then, you may ask? i believe that at the end of the day, the smiles of my possible children will conquer everything else. at the end of the day, i know my children, may they be biologically mine, adopted, mine through surrogacy, WHATEVER; will be worth the fight.
oh and can i share just something really exciting? I KNOW WHAT I WANT TO NAME MY CHILDREN!
i remember 2 years ago, i posted some names up too. but they were something like Keanu and Keira. a very kind gentleman deleted that post so i can't recall but here goes the new names:
1. Callum Martin
2. Calleigh Rosalie
3. Jacob Shane
4. Mikaela Chantal
5. Jayden Keanu
6. Keira Gabrielle
IS IT WRONG FOR ME TO WANT TO HAVE 6 CHILDREN?! i do wish i could.
i'm surprised my mom took it better than i did. here's our whatsapp conversation:
story: my eyes were swollen for some reason that is still unknown.
mum: did you ask your friend?
me: we're really not like that anymore, mum.
sorry, i know you really wanted a guy like him for a son in law.
mum: Han for info I don't care who is this son in law is going to be but must be someone who loves you for you you are
I SWEAR. i felt so helpless. sometimes, she loves me more than i deserve. apparently, both my mum and sis knew it wasn't going to work. to have them tell me, probably made me feel like the biggest failure in the world. everybody is too caught with hurting my feelings. there has to be a way around this.
we were having a good laugh at the dining table during lunch you see. when you're in love with the person, you have to stop yourself from speaking of the flaws. but when you fall out of love, you can call him every ugly name there is in the books. if you think that's what i'm doing, YOU IS WRONG. i won't deny, i still wish i was it for him but i'm not. so why focus on those things that will make me sad and slack when i can just move on? i am strong. i will be strong.
i guess the reason why i haven't cried like i did 2 years ago is because of my sister. last year, all the things that i went through, nobody will ever be able to hurt me the way she did. 2 years ago before i actually knew what pain was, heartbreak was hell for me. but then again, always bear in mind that NO ONE and i mean NO ONE can hurt you as much as your family can. not even your soul mate of the love of your life forever or whatever. i guess i have to thank her in a way. she has made me so untouchable that no heartbreak can break me down. not that i'm encouraging her to go back to that hell of a path again but THANKS SIS!
i want so many things in life. even as we speak, i feel suffocated. i don't know what i want or where do i go from here. sometimes, there are just too many voices ringing in my ear.
however, this is where the title of this post comes in. I'm standing under a white flag. i surrender. i give it all up to the Lord. i know no matter what i say i want to do and what i want to achieve, at the end of the day, it's all in His hands. i can only pray that he will guide me to the right path for only He knows what i need and what i want.
-yawn- it's been a long day of hardcore thinking about all these chingchangwalawalabingbangs. it's time for me to go back and focus on serving the Lord by helping Fr. Paul with this review thingie thing thing.
as a friend of mine put it, FOUR MOAR DAZE YO! i am superdy duper excited!
oh, i've realized that it's been awhile so here:
i'm trying to grow out my fringe. my eyes are swollen for some reason that i seriously have no idea about. i am wearing my PJs. i have put on many many many weight.
I SAID GOOD DAY TO YOU!
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2 comments:
Hi! I stumbled across your blog randomly on Facebook through a friend, and I've read through a few of your posts here and there.
Not meaning to sound stalker-ish (I haven't met you in real life, so please bear with me - I don't know you personally - I'll try my best not to be judgmental of a person I don't know), but your blog is very intriguing. You do pour out your emotions (which I think is great!)
One thing though that I've noticed is that you seem to be a lot like me in the past. Getting into relationships, thinking 'this is it' and then getting so emotionally hurt when it turns out it wasn't 'it' after all.
I'm in a relationship now that has changed everything. For once, my partner is considerate, and understands, and loves me for who I am. My partner has shown me what true love is (none of that bullcrap that my ex's have claimed as 'love').
I'm sorry if my post is all over the place (there's so much to write!), but let's just say that my partner found me when I was at my worst. I was an emotional wreck and I was doing things that I still regret up to today, and my partner found me under the most unexpected of circumstances.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that you don't go looking for true love. True love finds you.
I hope that you'll be able to find some consolation in the fact that one day, someone will come into your life when you least expect it, and he will turn your world upside down. He'll be nothing like what you've ever had before and he will show you what true love is. He will be everything you've ever wanted. You will fall so deeply in love, and all the events in the past would've been worth it because they have taught you experiences that make you the amazing person you are and teach you how to make the relationship last. He will truly appreciate you for who you are, and you will do likewise. He will hurt you (which is unavoidable) but you guys will always make up and your love will just grow stronger.
Just remember, relationships are all about appreciating each other, compromise and communication.
And last of all, true love will find you. He is out there. Don't go trying to find him, as the world has its funny ways of working in that one day when you both least expect it, you will find each other .
It might not mean much now, but hey. Leave my comment here and one day you'll come back and you'll see what I mean.
hey there. i hope you're right. i know when it comes to the field of love, i still have a lot of things to learn. what you've listed out so far, will just make me that much knowledgeable and that much more closer to finding my true love, even if it means i have to skip over every opportunity i get to jump at a guy who i think could be 'it'. thank you so much for the advise. i take it all to heart and i will bring them with me wherever i go. i promise! if only i knew who you were though. add me in facebook? please don't be shy! i most definitely do not bite, though some of my posts sound like i just might. haha. i wish you and your partner all the absolute very best. when the big day comes for the both of you, send me an invitation, will ya? cheers! x
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