je vous vois.

i suck at bottling things up. when i have good news, i can't wait to share my joy with the world. i suppose it's harder with ugly news because i really don't like the sympathy vote. yet, there's really no way around it. i suppose my family will have to know about this soon... i hope it doesn't crush them as hard as it crushed me.

i've got a little time before i have to go on and be busy with church things for the upcoming retreat! i'm seriously darn excited but i can't seem to get my mind off of this and it's really just and itch i can't scratch. hopefully by once again, pouring my heart out here like a noob teenager in love, my mindset will shift back to my priorities and that is: school, university, church, true love, marriage, babies. lol.

-went away for 20minutes to be busy with what i call life: brother with chicken pox (btw, YAY!)-

-recollecting thoughts-

i'm actually really sad. i don't think i can lie and pretend that i'm not anymore. when things don't work out the way you want them to, you can't help it but be sad. the worst part? i could see it. everything. i could see us sitting on our porch, grey-haired, watching our grandchildren running wild in the backyard. i could see myself walking down the aisle, with my entire tear-stained face focused on you at the end of it. i could see myself in an apron, with our children in school, making the best lunch ever, awaiting everyone's return. i could see us arguing and making up because that's what husbands and wives do. i could see it all. i could taste it, almost and i wanted it. i wanted it so bad that it hurt. you gave me that hope. and then you pulled the rug from under my feet.

i probably took everything more seriously than i should have. you know me, i've always been (and always will be, might i say) a melodramatic little twerp. i won't change the way i am. i like being passionate, filled with emotions and sincere all the time. it means that i get happiness in the form of ten folds and sadly, sadness in ten folds too.

i've never banked on anyone as much as i've banked on you. just because you promised me those things nobody has ever dared to promise me before. actually, nobody in this century would dare to promise anyone any of those things. though, we've made it very clear. we were both born in the wrong century.

all those time i spent waiting for you, i focused on our future. i focused on that one little reassurance and promise. i took it all in, i held everything back. it made doing everything else so hard because i was focusing so hard on you and then it hit me. you never really said you loved me. HOW STUPID I WAS TO THINK YOU DID! and how heartbroken i felt afterwards when i waited for you to tell me yesterday night which became more empty promises and false hopes.

i know you're not the slackest person in the world. i said i'd be okay with it. i would have compromised anything for you. be anything, anyway or anyhow you wanted me to be, for you. i loved you despite your flaws. and now i'm thinking, even though you said you weren't ready, was it my flaws that ultimately held you back? was i too fat or not as beautiful or is my ass too small or boobs too flat or what? WHAT?

"even though i'm happy with her, i'm happier knowing that you are willing to do anything to become a good wife and a mother."

i suppose when i read that, that was just basically the biggest slap on the face. we were so caught up with this idea of being good parents. i was so caught up with having babies and you being the wonderful father figure. you were so caught up with having a good wife and a good mother to your children that you began to see me as only that. not someone you're in love with or someone you'd give your life up for but just: Mother of My Children and My Wife. that was never what i wanted. yeah, well sure i wanted that. my goodness, having the idea in my head now just drives me crazy and my legs feel weak but i wanted you to love me. and i wondered if that was so much to ask of you.

you were happy with her. slash that. you Are happy with her. but you'd rather give that up because i make a better mother to your children. that's just not how it works, mate. you've never been able to admit this but you probably already love her. but because you have so many obligations and bonds that you tie yourself to, you can't see it. i was just another play toy you strung around. and the idea of that just killed me. basically.

i know i brought this upon myself. i was the one who initiated this. it was suppose to be as easy as breathing. it was never meant to be this complicated. i don't know where or when but we really went off course and i fell for you like a tonne of bricks, a feeling that i know all too familiar.

yesterday night was the last straw. i realized all this time that i was with you, it has been disappointment after disappointment after disappointment. from the very beginning. i keep letting it go because i loved you. i would put aside all your flaws and pick up where you slack because that's what girlfriends do. that's what good wives do. it's safe to say that my heart is officially broken. and i'll never used the phrase broken beyond repair again because i healed myself for you. i presented you with my heart on a silver platter, patched up nicely with mickey mouse plasters and you just deliberately threw it on the ground and watch it burst into a million pieces and walked away with a grin on your face and her in your arms.

if you ever see this, i wish you all the best for all the plans you have in the future. i don't think i'll ever stop loving you. after all, i saw my entire future with you and i would have given up anything for you. at the end of the day, all i really wanted was for you to reassure me constantly that you loved me. and you just couldn't do it and it wasn't your fault.

i thank you for having the consideration of not hurting me. though, you really shouldn't have given me false hopes and empty promises. i've always pictured us being apart now and together in the future. though, i don't think that'll ever happen. you will find the love of your life one day and she will be the greatest mother and the greatest wife. you will treat her right, okay? OR IMMA CRACK YOUR BALLS!

in spite of the fact that i'm actually really heartbroken, i'm glad this is over. i can now move on with knowing that i gave this my best shot. i gave us my very freaking best shot and it just didn't work.

i sincerely wish you all the best for everything that you will partake on in the future. may the Lord bless you in everything that you do and may you become everything you strive to be.

p/s if you'd like me to say something to your face, please come forward and ask me to and i promise i won't hold anything back.