growing up, i've always had a silly daydream like all the other children who live in the tropical region of our planet Earth. i've always wished Brunei would snow. like Canada. i've been to Canada only once in my life and it was when i was very young. i think i was probably 6 or 7 years old but once you've seen snow, you'll never ever forget it.
if brunei had 4 seasons, that would mean that we'd be having autumn now. not taking into consideration of the countries in the southern hemisphere but yes, it would be autumn now. and it would have been troublesome, i suppose, from cleaning all the leaves but then, it would be exciting too. because autumn could only mean we would all see snow again.
i've never experienced autumn but i suppose it would be eerie. things around you die. everything turns into shades of brown. after spring and summer, i suppose it exposes the circle of life. everything must die to be born again.
i can assure you that i wasn't ready to feel this way. every single cell in my body was prepping me for a battle that i knew i had lost when you came swooping in like the handsome prince that you are. tall. dark. handsome. and those beautiful brown eyes.
i don't know how to tell you but i haven't felt like this in a very long time. a very, very long time ago, i was ready to give everything up for the one i loved. he had nothing on me and yet i was so prepared to let go of everything. with you, for a second there, i was sure i was willing to do the exact same. however, it only lasted a second because i don't love you. because i never had the chance to.
it's been 120 hours and you're still the only thing on my mind. i can't seem to drive your voice out of my head. and i'm so helpless. trust me, i want to stop thinking about you. had i known that i would be here right now, i would have never let myself be so vulnerable. but, the entire night, vulnerable was my best bet at accepting the fact that i needed to get over someone else. i was so proud that i had successfully done that and yet now, you do this to me. why?
it goes without a word that i miss you. i miss your warm smile. your hands. your voice. your laugh. your face. most of all, your beautiful brown eyes. it may not be hurting you but it's hurting me. for the first time, i'm hurting and there's nothing i can do about it. there's no distraction to distract me from it. there's no avoiding it, no running away from it.
thus, i've decided to face it head on. i will let your voice sing me to sleep in tears just because i really don't know what else to do. i sound fickle, don't i? i am indeed, a fickle fool for you.
with this post, i promise to get over you and this feeling. call it what you may - puppy crush, infatuation, love. i will drown myself in tears and be the melodramatic person that i am and eventually, get over you. it's better for us both.
however, a part of me will always regret not holding you when i could have. not kissing you when i could have. not staying longer when i should have. nothing i do will be able to turn back time, nothing i do will be able to make things right.
may you always hold a special place in my heart for being the handsome prince that you are. for having me so smitten that i feel like a 13-year-old in love with justin bieber. i will always thank you for diverting my attention that night and letting me feel things i haven't felt in so long. the warmth of someone who genuinely cared for me, however fake it might have been for you. and also, for holding my heart for me that night when i didn't have the strength to do it myself. so, thank you.
may your voice, like autumn, die in my heart as winter swoops in like an eagle with wings made of snow. may your voice, be the soundtrack of my autumn.
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2 comments:
Why do you bring yourself to these conditions, survive and yet stand up hoping to do it all over again.
Do you hope to get hurt again?
You've crawled out... and now you're offering yourself to fall back inside.
Could anyone handle seeing you get hurt once more...
Your love moves mountains. Your love is as deep as the sea... and yet...
No one appreciates your compassion. No one appreciates what you can offer.
They hurt you and break your heart.
They shattered it and you mended it back with mickey mouse plasters.
Yet... you're so willing to let it all go again for the next person you feel is the one.
Hopefully, one day, one faithful glorious day
someone whose worthy of what you could give them ...recognizes you,
cherishes you,
holds you
and gives you what you deserve most. Love.
Because you're such a fool... a kind, strong but stupid fool who gives so much love to idiots who dont deserve it.
I hope that person who finally holds your heart be someone that treats you right. All the best.
i wish i could explain to you why i do the things i do but i can't so i shan't. i'm a very impulsive person. if you looked at the list of ADHD symptoms, i've actually scored 9/10. with this one, i didn't go searching, he came to me when i was most vulnerable. he was the reason why i 100% got over the guy in the previous post so how could i blame him for this? the thing is, see, i don't blog about the boring-er parts of my life like how i'm not into this guy anymore. it didn't take much, he's dumber than he seems. how could you blame me for being fickle? he was tall, handsome and exceptionally charming. he had a nice smile. i'm a sucker for a smiler and he was so funny, he made me laugh till it hurt.
but no, i no longer have any affiliations with him whatsoever. and i didn't love this guy. i had daydreams about him and i was uber impulsive, sure but i didn't even know him. how could i have loved him?
i don't jump at every chance i get. but at least i can look back one day and think hey! i have done my best and i have no regrets. i've lived my life with so many regrets i can never undo. there came a point where i just wanted to live impulsively and be done with it. my blog is a place that i can come to and just throw all my sadness away. how i wish it was connected to my brains at all times so my dear readers would constantly be updated.
i admit that i am a fool. fickle fool, in fact. but i don't think i'll ever change the way i am. note that whenever i blog, i have the tendency to exaggerate so things probably weren't as bad as it seems. as of this moment, i am 100% man-free. i really don't go searching. i wait for him to find me and then it's either uphill or downhill from there. with this one, sadly, was the most epic downhill of my life. however, i haven't shed a tear at all. which is a good thing.
thank you. i always hope for that too. all the best to you, whoever you may be, too.
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