je vous vois.

from my cousin's blog, (ta kor if you ever read this, say hi to me in facebook!) i found out that the last time i blogged was 2 weeks ago. as a matter of fact, i feel, the last time i REALLY really blogged was probably a month and a bit ago. that's probably 5 weeks. and what happened to me in these 5 weeks? well, life did.

during the holidays, i went to 2 AWESOME retreats that brought me back to God. i pray all the time now, thanking Him for bringing me back under His wings. i do hope that the decisions i make in the days ahead will serve Him right - no matter what. no matter where i'll be, He knows that i will always have Him at heart.

i know i said before that i only come here when i'm either super sad/emo or super happy/i've-got-something-super-awesome-to-talk-about. well, i guess this post will kind of break that rule because i'm neither one of em' now.

i remember the post - closure. i remember promising myself that i would move on. well, if you have been staying tuned, i DID try to move on. but everytime, i turn my head to look back and see how far i've gotten, i realize - i'm still at square one.

stupid stupid STUPID whitney.

i thought you promised yourself that you were going to move on? that no matter what happened, nothing was going to affect you. nothing was ever going to bring you down anymore! nothing was ever going to ruin the new friendship you found. nothing was going to shake you, whitney. NOTHING.

i can't stop my mind from thinking that maybe, he was with me because i could give him the things he wanted. i could give him the equipments he needed so badly and when he had them with my money, he could be done with me. all those nights we spent on the computer talking was just a ploy to get me to spit out everything that was in me for him. every moment i thought that would last was just a plot to crush me at the end of the day and leave me permanently damaged. it's been 7 months and i'm still here. so why am i so damn stupid?

i can't stay at Avalon and continue to pretend like i'm okay. because i'm not. yesterday was awesome, but the aftermath of it was just... horrifying. i found myself not being able to sleep again and crying like a baby because i didn't know how else to distract the pain. i can't stay at Avalon especially when i'm having these stupid thoughts and being around was only going to fuel it. I DON'T WANT TO HAVE THESE THOUGHTS. but i can't seem to give myself another reason why it didn't work out in the end. oh, it wasn't meant to be. oh, i'm just not good enough.

everybody, they love a winner - so nobody loved me.

every moment we spend together will just push me from threading water to become drowning in it. everything that we do together will only continue to blur the lines that i drew so distinctly between me and you. i have fallen out of closure and back into the hell hole that i'd happily stay in because i could see you as much as i wanted if i was there. i keep forgetting that i can't WANT you anymore. and that i can't HOLD your attention. i can't MAKE you talk to me. i, obviously, don't make you very happy. so why continue sticking around when we all know it was mission impossible? you may think i don't know you but a little voice inside my head does. and when you decide on something, you stick to it. you've stuck to maybe all your decisions in life well, except for me and our happy ending. i need to get over you... again. and to do that, i must leave.

i'm heartbrokened. and the only way for me to crawl my way back into closure again is to leave the people i love - all of you, in Avalon. i love ALL OF YOU in Avalon. and please don't ever doubt that i do so. i'm going to really miss you guys. and as much as it kills me, it's really unfair for me to keep burdening you guys with this - especially you, mama bangs. i have to learn to deal it myself - like what i'm doing with everything else in my life right now.

i believe and have confidence that one day, i will really move on. i really believe it. but till that day comes, i promise to keep my distance and remain withdrawn to protect my already shattered heart from becoming dust particles.