i am sitting alone in my bed. it is 3.49am as i am typing this sentence. the A.C. is making lots of noise due to the fact that i've left it on 16 degrees for the past few hours in this small room. i am somewhat half lying half sitting on my bed. i'm shaking my legs like a boss. my tattoo is a little itchy and i am somewhat, tempted to scratch it. this is my blog. i suppose i can say whatever the hell i want.
i don't know why i'm here. i've been partying and going out so much that i don't even know who i am or what i strive for anymore. actually it's not that bad, i like partying and i like going out. sure, i do it to escape what i don't want to know at home but still, i enjoy it. let me clarify that i don't drink, i don't smoke, i gamble for the fun of a few dollars, i love the feeling of dancing till my legs cramp the next day and that's about it. i still believe that i am still the girl i was brought up to be and no matter how hard i party in the future, that's how i'll continue to be.
that's not the main point here. gah, i guess i'm delaying this because i don't know how to say it. ok, i'll start anyways. so yeap, i've been feeling much like the rebound girl these days. the girl that everybody has to experience before truly moving on to finding their true love. it's a very degrading thing, that i can assure you and that is why, here and now, i will put a stop to it.
for the past few days, there has been this guy in my life. sure, a week before that there was another guy but that fell apart before i could even put anything together so no, we will be talking about this guy in my life right now. i guess it is safe to say that i've known him for a good half of my life. i won't deny that i once had somewhat on a puppy crush on him but it ended there. it ended there because i wasn't pretty back then. not saying that i'm pretty now but still. i had ZIP self-esteem when i was younger when it came to picking up boys. not saying that i'm any braver now because trust me, i AIN'T. i think if i actually told the world who he was, everybody's expression would the hell be this and this alone: =O
but yes, after those years of little puppy love, he is once again back in my life and in a way i never thought he would be. it has only been a couple of days and i don't know why, but i think i just might have actually genuine feelings for him. though, obviously according to the title of this blog, he does not feel the same for me.
i will be his rebound girl. a girl he can mess around with because i am now known for my cleavage and big ass. pfft. i can't believe that i actually wanted to put myself out there and be his rebound girl. thinking about it now, it makes me feel sick. sick to my stomach. that is not what love should be. love is not groping boobs for the fun of it or doing something somewhat naughty or whatever it is (WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. TRUST ME.) but the idea of me, ms. whitney, being okay with that is just wrong.
it stands against everything i was brought up to be. appropriate, pure, trust in true love and loyal to yourself. how could i have been so stupid? to think that it would have actually worked as long as i let him touch me? it is not okay.
i have heard and seen the way he chases after the girls he liked. sure they are through a LCD laptop screen but still, the sincere teases and exchange of words will never lie. and from what i saw and heard, i am indeed the rebound girl. the girl he will use to get over someone he loved in the past just so that he can move on to someone else in the future.
this post is not only to tell myself but to all the girls as well out there that NO, it is not okay to let boys touch you just because you want him to love you back. NO, it is not okay to put yourself in a situation you are not comfortable with just because you want him to love you back. NO, it is not okay to go against everything you stand for and everything you believe in just because you want him to love you back. YOU DESERVE MORE THAN THAT. YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THAT. if he actually asked those things from you, it can only mean these things: you are the rebound girl, he loves you only for your body, he does not love you at all for he does not appreciate you.
i deserve more than that. i am worth more than that. i have a personality through my curves and layers of fats. i have a charisma that i'd love to share with the rest of the world. i have a sincere heart that beats for everyone, even those who hate me. i have a loving heart that will love anyone - fiercely, intensely, with everything i have in me - who can actually see me for ME.
with this post, i will delete every one of his message. i will not await his message on thursday. i will move on with my journey in search of my mr. right - the man who will one day be in love with me for all that i am.
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