i vowed to myself never to write 2 posts in a day. today is an exception.
i promised this post won't be long.
i just needed a place to release this pain.
i opened msn. to my surprise, i saw something i never wanted to see. the last thing i wanted to see today... not today... was right in front of my face. i can't get that image out of my head. a brain has no corners so it's basically standing in the middle. i'm in pain and my superman is gone.
i regretted. i regretted looking for someone to chat with on msn. i regretted ever even signing in. now, the big cut is there, right in the middle of my heart. the pain, so unbearable.
fuck my previous post. i'm crying now. what to do? i expected too much from myself. too too much in a day. what was i thinking? did i think i was really able to forget this person that i have put my effort for for the past 8 months? pff. i must be joking.
yeah, i'm an emotional wreck. thank god someone invented blogger.
dear friends, if you read this, don't tell me. i don't wanna know you did. this post is strictly private and if you comment, i swear i'll fuck you.
enough. i had enough of being the dumb bitch. i had enough of being played. i had enough of taking orders from people that have no right to control my life. enough. enough is enough. i am taking control of my own life now. i am not in control. i am ugly for acting this way. i am a piece of shit. i am not me. NOT ME. you see this? I AM NOTHING. I AM NOBODY. I AM A LOSER.
nothing/nobody/loser. signing out.
unbelievable. it's been the best two ordinary days of my life. despite getting unsatisfied marks in my results(i deserved it becoz i din study and i din fail anyways :])
sunday: usually church in the morning. praised the lord for no comm class. got home in the afternoon and continued on maple. went out to steamboat with friends later on that night and had a blast.
DAY 1 OF NORMALITY. it was great. i felt a heavy weight of my shoulders.
firstly, because i got over that special someone :) i've always been trying too hard to forget him but surprisingly, facing him just 1 week later really made me look into his eyes and think, "wow. he really wasn't worth my tears." haha. yup, i'll be woman enough to admit that now, he wasn't worth my tears because he was such a great guy. great guy and also a great friend. and will be nothing more than a friend. someone shy but fun at the same time. someone naive but i believe will be there for me if i needed him at anytime anywhere. so that first and far most 2nd biggest problem in my life... SETTLED. jus like that! amazing :) so sunday, rounded off to a wonderful day.
monday: school in the morning. got back exam papers. were happy with some but also unhappy with others(test papers i mean). finally got a big slap in the face thinking that i have wasted my whole 3rd term on fussing about something that was beyond my control. wrote down all the things i was going to do before leaving for hongkong and is determined to finish as much as i can, day by day.
DAY 2 OF NORMALITY: i met my friend, despite the big comfrontation we had, i felt another weight off my shoulders. in my mind, i always thought i was the spare tyre and i will never be appreciated for all that i have sacrificed for this friend. today, monday, i opened my eyes wide and see, i was making myself the spare tyre. i was so desperate that i didn't ask for anything in return from this friend and i guess this friend just got used to not giving back. when i finally saw that he wasn't really giving back, i flipped and went crazy. today, monday, i opened my eyes wide for the first time and saw that i didn't need this shit. i spent the whole 3rd term thinking about this and today, monday, i was finally able to face this friend and not feel like tearing myself apart in front of this friend. it was one of the most amazing feelings. i don't know where this friend and i will go. which path we will partake in the future but one thing i know, i've gotta stop depending on this friend. stop revolving my life around this friend. stop being so desperate. stop expecting so much because that was the root of all my tears and sorrows. stop wondering if i mattered at all to this friend because i don't need and don't want to know the answer. just stop everything and tell myself everyday that i will make it through without this friend being my life support. i guess i was the way i was because i missed this other friend. thankyou for leaving me this-other-friend. without ur departure, i wouldn't have learnt all this today. i wouldn't be typing this now. i wouldn't have grown and be independent. i need no one. no one is indespensible. everybody will leave you sooner or later. why cry over someone who isn't worth your tears? why cry over someone who wouldn't cry for you? why cry for someone who doesn't understand you the way you want them to? why cry over someone who cries for someone else? it's not worth it. nothing is.
i have made up my mind. to never cry for people not worth my tears. to never be a dumb bitch and live the horrible, suffering, painful life i lived for the past few months. to never ever EVER go back. never ever ever endure that stupidity again. never will i do that ever again.
enough. i had enough of being the dumb bitch. i had enough of being played. i had enough of taking orders from people that have no right to control my life. enough. enough is enough. i am taking control of my own life now. i am in control. i am beautiful the way i am. i am superior. i am me. ME. you see this? I AM ME.
whitney. signing out.
i've pictured myself writing this blog for over ten times. in these ten times, only the faces of two people floated about in my brain. a special someone and a friend. against all odds... begins :)
i've been obssessed with this song recently. another friend of mine called him Daniel Gayingfield, (grr you!) but i call him, Daniel Bedingfield :) If You're Not The One was his only famous song i could recall. i used to think this song was gay too but as i gave it a second go a few days ago, i fell deeply in love with it like it swept me off my feet without knowing it. the sensation this song gave to me was magical, phantasmal beyond words.
well, dear readers, if you bothered at all looking at my msn nic and seeing this new blog, clicking in the title of my blogspot and reading my blog even though you know it is going to be bloody long, i guess you'd also have the patience to read every single line of the lyrics that i am about to key in. trust me, if you felt the way i feel, you would understand each sentence and you would have cried along with me. then i'd have a friend to cry with. which... would be odd... i think?
But I know that this much is true
"i try and i try and i try... nobody likes me =("
lolness. my baby bro, justin, said that random sentence from this ducky thingie in tom and jerry which made me giggle to my deathbed. tomorrow is the exams for combined science, it may seem easy for the science class geeks maybe but it's so so for me. i had two days to study and i din use those 2 days. tomorrow is the exam, it is exactly 10.50pm now and i havent started studying. so, if i do fail, i'm proud enough to say i deserve it.
gosh, doesn't my title sound so bloody emo? it's actually lyrics to a song which goes like this:
i cry silently
i cry inside of me
i cry hopelessly
cause' i know i'll never breathe your love again.
ok fine, the lyrics as a whole is emo but u cant blame me, its exactly how i feel =) CORRECTION! it's exactly how i FELT.
bringing myself back to the moment where i was crying. it just struck me so hard that i may never be able to find love. i know i might be a little young to say this but yes, i dont think i'll ever find it.
i sort of regretted, doing what i did, but i did. if i didn't, there would have been a slight possible chance that something good might have happened for us. but at the point, i guess i wasnt thinking rasionally. thinking back, i can still rerun the feelings i had when i made that decision. how much i wanted him to know, how much i wished something would happen.
tho, nothing did, tho, i do regret, what is done is done. i wont go back and flip the previous page and try and erase it with an eraser and rewrite the previous page. i know i cant do that and i wont becoz thinking back, i dont really regret doing what i did. at least he now knows how i feel, tho nothing will ever ever EVER happen anymore.
this sort of also gives me a great chance to write a new chapter. i always do whenever i decide to kick someone outta my life. im not kicking him out but i did invite him outta it. ignoring him as much as i can (tho it hurts), not being around where he is all the time (tho i wanna be) and just literally keeping distance and try to smile without him (tho its so god damn difficult). yesterday, i was able to pull through (tho it hurted like hell). those who were there, guess found it quite unobvious. i'm usually good at hiding my sorrows, especially in front of the lead character and gang so... i'm not worried =) tho, i guess most of you have NO IDEA what im talking about now.
a part of me still finds it comforting that i still have him as a friend i can SORT OF depend on. the other part of me knows its all over and that i should just keep my distance and move on. i'm sticking to the other part and really, really really... start writing a new chapter of my life. a chapter without him and his gang. without the people i love hanging around with... without them... WITHOUT them...
how am i going to do it? simple. there is no reason why we will meet up soon so i guess thats going to be a good chance for me to really cool down... i think? i dont know. lolness.
ACTUALLY... i have no idea what im talking about now... T_T and thats just sad...
to be honest... i wasnt really given much time to recover... it still hurts whenever i think about it and i've noticed that i've not been able to focus at all... i can see myself back to the scene where i was crying alone in desperation for help and yet no help came my way. the tears that ran down my cheeks were heavy and almost blood, shortly, i had only given myself 2 mins to recover from my 20mins of pouring rain and went back inside. that really really sucked, especially when i lived through that horrifying moment alone but what the heck? i know time will heal me soon enough... when that happens, i hope i'll be outta brunei and be at the land down under =)
will i really be able to pick myself up from this downfall? i dont know but as of now, this is my confession, no, i havent recovered. not at all. not a single bit. i may sound or look like i have but i havent and its hurting more and more day by day now that i know theres no reason for me to see him and more the reasons for him to be completely outta my life... wonderful! just wonderful...
i miss his smile, the way he would smile back at me when i throw lame jokes at him.
-DELETE FROM WHII.DATA-
i miss the way he carries himself in a crowd, always the one whom everyone can depend on
-DELETE FROM WHII.DATA-
i miss the first time we met, those little moments we shared
-DELETE FROM WHII.DATA-
lastly, i miss him... everything about him
-DELETE FROM WHII.DATA-
those files are still in the recycling bin. the day i get over him would be the day the rubbish bin will be emptied. so far, its still there. waiting to be deleted...
last week, during coms class. we were suppose to imagine our moment with jesus at your favourite place to be. as some know, a crisis struck me last week and thus i wrote this short paragraph of emo-ness words.
"I felt most at home in the room of a friend of mine. We recently parted ways and there is still an unhealed wound in me. i felt myself floating back to that room, alone. i saw jesus appear by the bed i was laying on, his bed, and jesus' appearance was a blur. i saw myself, with my back facing him, weeping with pain that cease to fade. i saw him putting his hand on my head and he comforted me. he told me that time will heal my wound and he'll be with me every step of the way. it was more than enough. i felt him sitting there for a little longer while i continued to weep. as i felt him leaving, i stood up from the bed and went on my knees, begging him to stay. he looked me in the eyes, took my hands and squeezed them. he smiled and said, "I love you." then, i found myself floating back to this room"
this room = the room i was having my com class in.
just a little something i wanna share with everyone. nothing much. =)
anyways, relli gotta go study now =( will blog soon when something dramastic happens. hahaha :P
whitney. signing out
how do i stop myself from loving you so? i don't know. it just seems as if whenever i feel so great being around you, something is there to bring me down. man, why do you have to be so handsome? why do you have to be so nice? why do you have to be so nice to me?
please don't think i'm in love with your friend because you're the one i love. a month ago, i seriously thought this feelings were just temporary. one month later, i found out that they're still there, hanging on by a thin thread. as thin as this thread may seem, it's strong. strong enough to give me to courage to tell you. just when i expected this thread to be strong, it broke and thus, you still have no idea that i love you so.
how do i get over you? i'm fighting with a bunch of beauty babes that i will never be able to compare with. as sad as i may sound, it's a fact. there's no where i can get to you, you're just to far away, too far up in the air.
what prevents me from seeing you? the distance that we have. the fact that if it wasn't for a certain activity, we wouldn't have even met, i wouldn't even have redug up this feelings for you and thus, i would have been a calmer person. now, you have once again crashed into my life like a boomerang and i'm just too heavy hearted to throw you away. you're just too beautiful, inside and out.
god, i never thought i would love you so much but i do. i would never call it love if i don't feel it but i do and it's getting the best of me. i need you... with me... now...
how will i ever get over you? only time will tell. only time can reduce this love i have for you... this raging feeling of wanting to talk to you whenver i see you. this raging feeling of wanting to make you laugh so that you'd show off your beautiful smile. this raging feeling of wanting to be near you, feeling your presence and asking myself why in the first place i even set eyes on you.
it was love at first sight. and i curse and swear on why it had to last so long and it had to last so deep. you're such an amazing guy. who wouldn't love you.
i know i have competition, which i would never be able to fight. i know there's no way of winning you, but i still cling to false hopes. i don't know what has gotten into me. i need to get over you.
"i hope we could just be friends." something i really wish i could look you in the eye and tell you. when in my heart, all i wanna say is, "please let us be more than friends."
what is going to happen from tomorrow onwards? back to not seeing you or hearing from you again? i know that feeling is going to torture me... not being able to see you smile, hear you laugh and feel your presence. god, please kill me now...
how am i suppose to get over you? now that i have fallen so so so deep... i don't know... oh god, i really don't know...
whitney. signing out.
it's been a good 2 minutes since my previous post. i'm feeling better :)
yeah, a part of me is like that. i'm just happy to share. it's to show that my life is not a fairytale nor issit something fun. i'm feeling much better. thankyou blogger.
i still dont know what i want. despite what people tell me. as of now, i guess i have to count each step i take. hopefully, i wont make any wrong moves.
"i'm happy... i'm happy... i'm happy..."
it's all i can do now. what else can i tell myself?
about this GUY. i think giving up would be the best solution. i don't know. but yeah, i'm gonna give up. i choose staying single over being desperate. i was never good at being desperate. thank god, for it.
feeling much better... at least i think i do... what do you think? comment me. don't leave your identity. i don't wanna know who you are. :)
still trying to find herself. signing out.
haha. i guess by now, you'd be bored of the fact that i always change the name of my blogspot but it is i-dunno-what-i-want now because i am really in a point of my life where i dont know what i want at all, and when i say that... i literally mean every aspect of my life.
there's nothing much to say today. tho, i had loads of fun today. it's been a while since i had fun. A WHILE.
i have been feeling quite emo today. thoughts of suicide, death and hell has been flooding my mind. it's not easy fighting these thoughts and i have learnt the art of being able to accept this flow so hiding it is ever easier :) i actually imagined myself not being apart of this world. what a serenity it would be. still, i exist and i'm making hell in everyone's lives. i'm sorry.
this is an emo post. please bare with me. in the state of emo-ness, i wish i could cut myself but i'm afraid of both pain and blood. instead, i drown myself with thoughts of dead. enough to kill me, praying that i won't wake up tomorrow.
i guess it's back to badminton. i'm pretty sure i'll miss discus. it has brought me wonderful friends and memories. more reasons to be emo about it. i've been using the word "emo" too much. FUCK.
the passion for badminton is slowing drying up. in the midst of it all, i'm starting to really fall apart. tho, a part of me has gotta be strong for recent reasons. reasons that are not to be shared with you. reasons you are not to know. you know who you are.
why am i even a part of this world? why do i have these suicidal thoughts? why am i so unhappy with life? i don't know.
what is your next move, whitney? what are you going to do next, whitney? how are you going to solve this, whitney? c'mon whitney, tell me watcha gonna do? FUCK, I DON'T KNOW. i just don't know, ok?
i still have to be strong. i believe my day will come. whereas, i would learn to be strong. i would learn to be positive. i would learn to cherish. i would learn to love. my day... when will it arrive?
what is wrong with me today? this is not me. or is it? who am i? i really don't know. i think i need a psychologist. maybe i am going crazy. what do you think? what would you think? i don't know.
i might delete this post when i feel better about myself. as of now, i feel like im a bitch.
a sad old bitch.
a ghost who doesn't know what she/he wants. signing out
there's NOTHING to do. now that all sports are over. glad that the stress is over but kinda sad that i wont have a reason to go to mumong and meet the friends i just made throught this whole experience. haqim for one, god i'm gonna miss that "loser" haha :P mizi and ermin's next :) they were D BOMB.
1) why is haqim called the loser?
31st aug - i finished my discus event(got 4th :[ ) and he was there so i told him to drive me out for fun. we went to the mall and on our way back to the stadium, he told me that everything in life is a competition, even when it comes to overtaking cars on a dual lane. so he tried to overtake this car and he FAILED GLORIOUSLY. and hence, haqim is a loser :)
typical haqim-ish line: HAHAHA! You been punk! hahaha!
(lol isn't it? i know.)
2) why are mizi and ermin D BOMB?
no specific date actually. the fact that mizi has got LOADS of nickname?
i) superman by ZURRU
ii) ultraman by WHITENEY(yours truly :D)
iii) retainer boy by MONKEYTING
and that he's just fun. and that i stole his baller id :P i din steal it, i took it with permission :) and im not planning to give it back~ -evil grin-
ermin? he's just "HANDSOME". handsome, what i call him, made him laugh like a nutso over the phone :D
god, now tat all this is over, i dont think i'll see them in the near future. byebye friends. byebye mumong. byebye. =)
i'm just bored and hence, i decided to write about them. some really cool people i met while in mumong. :) it's been a while since i met at all, "nice" people so i felt it was worth it to have a post about them. :)
here's a song i'd like all who are reading to listen to
i asked myself if i was ever important to you. if i ever meant anything to you or was i ever ANYTHING at all to you. the answers that ran through my head all came back negative. it is sickening that i think about this everyday. more and more everyday. more and more pain everyday. i couldnt believe i broke down and cried over this. i could have just treated as if i didnt care about you and just moved on. i couldnt and i didnt. "just continue contributing, whi. dont expect anything in return," says my baby. famous last word: easier said than done.
its really tiring. it takes up a big part of my brain and power everyday. it controls my emotions and the way i act around people. i feel like avoiding the world. i feel like just leaving this school in hopes of finding a new place and a new life. tho, that would most likely not happen.
i have to honestly admit that i am nothing but lost now. what am i suppose to do next? where do i go next? where do i stand next? where do i stand in your heart? am i just a piece of shit that you can throw around? a piece of shit that you dont appreciate? a piece of shit that is nothing but a burden to you? great, i am officially a piece of shit. what a great way to continue my life.
i havent been having too much problems recently and maybe i was used to the pampering. now, there is honestly nothing left for me to do than break down in silence. break down in a sense that you would not get hurt while i am expressing myself. the last thing i'd ever want is to hurt you again. though you will most likely never know the pain you have caused me over the time. and in the future, i guess you will never understand either. tho, i dont think i will ever blame you. i blame myself for not being brave enough. i blame myself for being so stupid and blind. i blame myself for loving you too much as a friend. i blame myself for caring too much about you as a friend. i blame myself for even allowing myself for being friends with you in the first place.
"its what happens when you get attached to someone really quickly. the other person would usually not understand, whi." says my other baby. i guess im just fucked up.
i smile to hide the tears away, i smile to prevent myself from thinking too much. music brainwashes me from crying and is my only cure so far.
am i jealous? nah. im actually in a state where i am fully ready to let go. at least thats what you'll see. but will you really really see? that, i dont know.
pain... something i have always been afraid of, yet, its the thing i live with everyday. tears, something i have always hated, yet, they were shed because you not-knowingly hurt me. avoid, something i expect myself to never ever do, yet, not a single gut in me dares to speak out.
i guess imma havta leave it this way for the time being. tho, it feels a little better now that i have said all the things i have wanted to say. i would die with no regrets. i would leave this school with no regrets. i would leave you with no regrets.
maybe i might leave chms. kl has always been my no.1 choice. hurm, will that plan be put into action?i guess we'll all just have to wait and see.
i believe its time i move on. just when i thought my life was back on track, it all falls apart again. GREAT. still, i really think its time i move on. when will i ever move on? i really dont know. i know i will but i just dont know when. i hope its soon, because i cant live in this pain anymore. it wears me out more and more everyday. takes up a little bit of me more and more everyday. eats me up more and more everyday. its tiring. very tiring. i am tired.
its tiring.
very tiring.
very very tiring.
i am tired.
i have a feeling this is going to be a long blog so stop now if you are not prepared for a long one. anyways, just got back from dinner with friends. sushi was great =) had a really rough night. had fun and had un-fun times. still, i enjoyed myself and it has been a while since i have felt so relaxed. certain things have been going on in my life, some, im not exactly ready to share at the moment nor am i ready to start pin pointing names. so, maybe i'll say it all out in 5 years to come. feel free to wait. it's like me waiting for shahid kapoor's milenge milenge. 4 years in the making man. WALAO. nothing much interesting happened today. even if it did, i doubt i'd be comfortable enough to write it all here. feel free to add me in whitneyutsuko.sk@hotmail.com and ask me there =D
anyway, the LORHS and the LARHS and the indian accent have come to haunt me! kaka.
i have been saying "sorry loh. thank you loh. no cure loh. whatever loh. die loh. not funny loh" too much recently! kinda got it from ong. but she's kinda high pitch while i'm low =)
the indian accent is fun, especially because it annoys people =)
the larhs? erm... i dont say "lah" that much anymore. its kinda of: funny meh?
THAT REALLY ANNOYS PEOPLE. and its FUN. =)
anyways, (notice i say too much "anyways") i was looking through my mid term test papers and found my english 1 paper. COMPOSITION. my fav *hearts*
The Most Unforgettable Person I Have Ever Met
“Han, my princess. Good morning! Time to get up now.”
How I wish I could hear his voice again. How I wish I could see that face again. Those wrinkled little eyes and that sunshine smile…
He was my best friend, dated back to when I was a little girl. He woke me up in the morning, made me breakfast in bed, made sure I brushed my teeth and made my bed for me instead. Made sure that there was Physical Education in my time table that day and that I was in the right uniform and walked me to school in slow paces as his knees were never strong. Always greeted me with a smile when I ran home from school and gave me his big bear hugs that the warmth, I seized myself to forget too. Made sure lunch was as for a queen and tuck me in for good afternoon naps with a kiss on my forehead and nothing less than that.
Not a day went by without him in my childhood life. As I grew older, he too, was there to guide me through it all. I learnt all my life lessons from him. He taught me how to be a person with confidence and perseverance. He taught me right from wrong, good from bad and true from false. He was the father figure I never had and it was stuck that way for quite a while.
He was the man who protected me from the evil planet my parents live in. He would cover my ears and he would sing. He knew he couldn’t sing but for the sake of making me happy, he did and it was the medicine to scare my tears away. He was the man who understood everything that was going on but still chose to think positive about it and led me in that direction too. He was my life support. As a child, I couldn’t imagine a day without him. He was the man who made sure that everything was going to be ok. He made sure that I was going to be safe.
As I again grew a little older, boys started entering my life, tearing my heart into pieces and left me there to cry. He was the man who mended those pieces back together and wiped my tears away. He was the man who let me cry by his shoulders when my father wasn’t there. He was my everything and I’m pretty sure I was his. Nothing could separate this man and I except for something that we had long foreseen.
He was getting old. He could no long give me piggyback rides and he could no longer dance and jump around in front of the TV/ there were even days that I had to hold him so that he could walk and move around. He was a weak man, getting weaker and weaker by the day and yet, he still kept his head held high and smiled like a chocolate fool, nevertheless.
It was my turn to be the parent. I dedicated my full attention to him, in gratitude of the person that he has brought me up to be. To look back on it now, there was never a day where he complained about death. He knew “it” was coming. In the last days of his life, I remembered him telling me everything I needed to know to sustain a wonderful relationship with my husband in the future and he told me that I shouldn’t be mad at my parents as it wasn’t their fault that their marriage had fail. In the last days of his life, I remembered myself crying by his bedside praying that God won’t take this guardian angel away from me. I remember his touch upon my cheek that day and it was as if he assured me that he would be there for me forever. And yes, I was assured.
He died peacefully in his sleep on one fateful Saturday morning. His hands were touching mine as I slept by his bedside…
Today, I am a mother to two beautiful daughters and a wife to the world’s most loving husband and through this all, I felt like he was the force that kept me going this far. He was the force that brought me to where I am today in life. I will continue his life’s work. I will teach my children all that he had taught me and more. My children will know that their mummy is who she is today because of their great-grandfather. They will never forget it and I will always make sure that they don’t.
We still visit his grave once in a while. Pulling out weeds and sweeping its surrounding. It is also the time where my family bonds in his presence and with a little breeze upon my cheek; I know he is watching over me.
“I love you grandpa. Not a day has passed that I don’t miss your silly jokes and your big bear hugs. P.S. I love you.”
The most unforgettable character I have ever met… my grandfather.
(859 words)
it's one of my favs and it was written not long after me fe sue watched PS I LOVE YOU together. =) so in that exam, me and fe had "PS I LOVEYOU" in it! waka =D
insomnia strike is gone. i'm tired~ haha. more compositions coming up i hope, if i can find them.
NOTE: i did not change a single word in my composition. dont believe? come to me and ask me for proof. =)
love you guys loads. missing unagi now. GR. shut up, tummy~ hahaha!
whitney. signing out
