je vous vois.

it was one of the most dumbest things i've ever done. period.

so there i was laying on my bed. picturing how i would die. it would be of cancer and by the time i found out, it would have already been too late for the doctors to do anything. i whisper into the ear of my lover, telling him to move on and fall in love again just as i have loved him. i was selfish enough to ask of him to remember me always and that his children, i will guard and watch over. then it was me on my deathbed after hours of struggle and heart wrenching pain, refusing treatment and completely clinging onto the tiniest bit of life that remained in the human body.it was time for me to go. at my deathbed, i was surrounded by my family. their faces twisted with pain that i wouldn't ever comprehend. i pictured my last words to them and how each of their faces would fall as i call upon their names. and then at the very last breath i take, i whisper again to my lover. i love you and i love you till my last breath. i fall into unconsciousness after having one final glance at all my family and finally, my lover. as my eyes began to shut, i can see faces turned away while some disappear all together. i fall into a deep slumber where i know i have lived a full life. never again to wake. i feel myself floating off, watching my family and lover bend over a body as if it wasn't my own and drift away with an invisible wind that brought me to a warm bright light where i knew in time, i will be united again with my family and lover.

it's really stupid of me to dream of such a beautiful ending for someone so unworthy of it like me. then again, imagination takes you to places you'll never actually go. after a good, well, half an hour cry, and falling asleep without knowing i actually did, i woke up with my eyes more swollen that it already was from my bacteria-infected-contact-lens-caused-swollen-eye. but i really needed to get it out of my system before i could move on and thank goodness, i did.

thank you for hanging on with me, guys. i love all of you - whoever that's actually out there. i will be stronger come what may. hopefully, tomorrow will be a brighter day.