i don't know if i really have a title for this post. if you do see a title later on, i must have probably thought about it after i wrote this sentence.
i hate quiet days at work. it just becomes... too quiet. especially because the management team aren't here today, it gives me even more space and excuse to daydream or go blank.
why couldn't i have fallen in love with someone with a less common name? maybe something like Barabas or Xenophilius or Wentworth? why did it have to be such a common name? why did it have to be so common that every time i start searching for information in the system, i see it. and everytime i do, again and again, it burns a whole in my already broken heart. and i have to go through the hurt and the pain and the tears over and over again. why?
oh, i almost forgot, Happy New Year everyone. i'm not a big fan of today. to me, it's like every other day, just with a more notable date. my resolution? i didn't really think of one either. as of this moment, i'm just trying to get by day by day. the last time i asked for the day was actually a week ago, so you can see how i'm sort of enjoying and not enjoying work at the same time. whatever, this really isn't a topic i feel comfortable talking about. in my head, they're more like little pictures instead of words so unless you can find a way to go into my head, good luck trying to figure me out.
sometimes, just sometimes, i wish i was dead. or maybe, have my memories wipe clean and start anew. suffering like this is not fun. and i seem to have nobody who understands why i am in this shithole for life. how i can't love another. how i can't move on. how i'm in this till the day i die. despite saying that i would be okay if he moved on, i know deep down inside, i wouldn't be. thinking about it, i feel myself plunging back into the depths of despair. and then i realize, i was never really out of it - no matter how i convince myself that i am.
i had so many good stuff happening in my life. for some reason, the motivation never really is strong enough for me to be here. maybe it's because happiness can be shared and when doubled, it makes the world a better place. but despair, who would want to share despair? who would be strong enough to take despair? not alot of people, i'd say.
so if you know what's good for you, don't visit here again. the only reason i come here is to prevent myself from sharing my despair with other people so that they won't have to feel the way i do.
hence, if you know what's good for you - stay away.
i'd really like a piece of his mind. and god, how much i missed it. how close i was to not being able to stop myself from hanging up the phone with his voice on the other line. how much it hurts to be away. and then, it hits me like a tonne of bricks. whitney, he doesn't want you anymore. so wake the fuck up. WAKE THE FUCK UP!
that's right. he's not mine anymore.
no, not anymore.
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