it took me awhile to be able to step away from the door and watch daddy drive her away. but alas, i had to hide the facade and close the door because i knew, i had to be strong, despite whatever outcome might come out of this. i needed to be strong for the people that i can protect within my capabilities.
i wish i could apologize everything i start to raise my voice against my mom, but i can't. she is probably one of the few people in this world who can bring me to tears in seconds, though i admit, it's not too hard to get me to cry. i don't approve of what she is about to put herself through. i can't even think straight because what she is about to do is not within my control. and being the control freak i am, i hate not being in control.
i wish i could have have at least hugged her and let my guards down before she left. and i am cringing on to dear life hoping that my sister does not wake up the next minute and see me like this. i need to be strong. i need to be firm and in control - for my siblings, the people that i would have to give my life up for, should anything happen to my mom that would be beyond my control.
i know i have the tendency to think to much. so much that usually, i'm just scaring myself for no god be damned reason. yet, i can't stop myself from doing just so. preparation is key. always keep yourself mentally prepared and know what to expect - i guess that had always been silently my life's motto. what happens when you are faced with situations that are beyond your control? in my case, i suffer a nervous breakdown and just cry my god damned eyeballs out. but now, knowing that i have people to protect and people to care for, i can't be the weak on. i NEED to be in control.
i want my mom back. i want to be the kid i used to be and just hug her because i could. and i can't stop myself from crying because i don't know how to get pass that ego and tell her that i love her. and that i wish i could be there for her but i can't because she needs me to take care of my younger siblings. in order not to fail her, i have to sacrifice my chance of being with her...
i want to be with her now... holding her hands or at least just sit by her hospital bed and chat.
my brother needs not know this. he thinks mommy is at work. which makes it even harder for me to hide because everytime i think about what i can't predict and can't prepare myself for, i fall apart.
how am i going to get through tonight and tomorrow until i know she gets out of the operation room safe and in one piece? i do not know.
but God, if you see this. if you're there - watch over her for me, will you please? although i don't admit it or i don't show it, i need her - more than my life.
and in these desperate times, i can't stop myself from thinking of you and craving your comfort. till then, i'll be missing you.
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