i've been feeling this way for days.
it's not a good feeling - at all.
i wonder why i feel this way sometimes but i can't really seem to grasp the words.
i know this sounds crazy but - have you ever tried putting a laptop on your chest while you're lying down? after a while, the heat makes you feel like you can't breathe and it hurts. after a while, it's only instinct to remove the laptop or put it on top of a pillow - hoping the heat would lessen due to the pillow being in between. i guess that's the best way to describe what i'm feeling right now. it's a weird way to describe it, yeah, but - it's really the only way i can think of, as of now.
i remember subconsciously scribbling his name in my school books. after a while, friends got used to it and ignored me when i did. i scribbled his name in different fonts, sizes and styles. like i said, it was like an instinct - subconsciously, he was always on my mind. maybe the biggest problem was, i didn't let him know enough. it wasn't always difficult for me to conjure happy endings with him. and, maybe it was because so, it only makes it that much harder to let go. when i don't think about it, it's becomes less of an annoyance nowadays. i can go on half a day without thinking about it. then again, i go about spoiling the progress i made by thinking something stupid like 'i really loved him'.
it's like a big rock sitting on top of my heart. when i remain still, i don't feel it bothering me. but when i try to move, it hurts like hell. i'm struggling. even with adrenalin, i can't seem to move this big rock. trust me, it's not that i don't want to, it's just that i can't. the most ridiculous part about this is, i compare every guy i meet with him.
he doesn't have tiger teeth.
he doesn't have that accent.
he's not into engineering.
he's not from the same country.
he's too hardcore.
we don't crack the same jokes.
we don't laugh at the same jokes.
we're not always on the same page.
yada. yada. yada.
i always manage to come up with excuses for me to not fall for another guy.
and having said that out loud, it really is a big load off my shoulders.
i've been trying so god damn hard to forget. to erase everything. but as i looked at his scribbled name all over my books, i realize, i haven't been trying at all - i've only been avoiding. it really amazing that i'm still here - haven't moving one inch. i guess the best word to describe this situation is, i've only found distractions.
i vow to change. i realize that this isn't healthy - not moving on. he has. he doesn't want me anymore - truly, i believe that. the most agonizing part is (i guess is also the reason why i'm still holding on) he has completely thrown everything out the garbage bin. and how he managed to do that, is and always will be a mystery to me. then again, i am but a human. i will try my best irregardless, otherwise, i can see myself being consumed by this and end up killing myself. sometimes i feel maybe that's probably the best solution too - take the load off everyone i burden.
till then, i'll be cringing onto my eraser - preparing myself for the day i move on and erase all his names on my books.
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