as i am being pushed over the edge again, i can't stop these tears. i feel the ground crumbling and i'm slipping into nothingness. i thought you would have been there to save me so i fought it and i fought hard. then i realized, i was in this alone and as i grabbed nothing but thin air, i was finally faced with your absense after 3 months.
i lost you 3 months ago and now, i stand here - on the verge of losing everything i have and everything i love. i just want to rip my heart out right now and tell myself to numb it. i can't take this pain. i just can't.
i slammed the door behind me this evening and sat on my bed sobbing. i sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and i couldn't stop. i craved for a shoulder to cry on. your shoulder. then i realized, i no longer had any claim over you and i began to sob even harder.
i'm sorry i'm just not the social butterfly you guys want me to be. i'm sorry i'm such a pessimist and i'm always so negative. i'm sorry i always act like i don't care when i do deep down inside. i'm sorry i'm not the perfect first daughter and i'm not the perfect sister nor the perfect friend and most definately not the perfect partner. i'm sorry for all the things left unsaid and they will remain to be unsaid as of right now and in the future. i'm sorry i always look like a golddigger because i only talk to you when i need to. i'm sorry for the reason i even exist at all in the first place and cause so much pain to everyone around me. i'm sorry and what i wouldn't give to ease everyone's pain and leave it in god's hand. please stop punishing the people i love, god. have mercy on them and rid me. i am the problem. i am the cancer. i am the disease that brings chaos to the people i love. and i know god is playing a joke on everyone i love right now, but hopefully he will stop soon. i'll make him promise, cross my heart.
till then, please bear with him and don't be mad at him for keeping me here and making everyone suffer. i'm sorry. i'll make him take me away and release you soon enough. i promise.
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