i laid in bed - twisting and turning. despite the pain, i couldn't bring myself to sleep. i felt the tire drag me under and a part of me actually wished my lids would snap shut and take me away to my sanctuary where i felt safe and sane - my dreams . still, here i am after my unsuccessful attempt at trying to throw up the contents of my dinner and then i realized, it's the 14th of November.
PMS is a crappy thing. it's why i wish i was a man. i've never really had this problem before, well, mostly because i was very sports active. now that i've sort of semi given up on sports, the pain is extremely overwhelming. sorry boys, i know this topic is going to make you winch and squirm but hahaha, you're going to have to face it when you have wives and daughters so might as well start man-ing up now!
like i said, i went to bed without the intention of sleeping. i had a good read of breaking dawn for an hour an a bit i suppose. throughout that hour, i twisted and turned to ease the pain. other than that, i piled pillows on my tummy. i guess it didn't help that the AC in my room were 16deg and blasting but the pain managed to subside under my warm palm - i was relieved that the pain was gone. like always, i spoke too soon and the pain came twisting back.
after a while, it felt good that sleep was creeping on me. i happily put breaking dawn aside and cuddled up in double blankets with a big pillow and bolster across my tummy. i subconciously wished MattyPoo goodnight and tagged along the drowsiness. just when i thought i would sleep, i began to feel the nausea out of nowhere. i tried so hard to ignore it - not willing to surrender to weakness, i guess - and twisted and turned again in my blanket. i drifted, in and out of sleep. towards the end, when i was absolutely certain that lying there wasn't going to bring me under, i pulled the white flag out and forced myself to vomit out. unsucessful at the first few attempts but luckily towards the end, i managed to rid a tenth of my dinner earlier on and it made me feel a tad better. the worst part about the relief effect of throwing up is the aftermath. the bile taste in your mouth is just absolutely wreck. i washed my mouth for a good five times before stepping out the bathroom. note: being outspoken about throwing up doesn't mean i'm bulimic! i just ate something wrong or something. idk.
as i began descending down the stairs. i knew something was wrong. i was waiting for something bad to hit me. i was insanely searching for a reason to be here. i needed to be here. i went fiddling along facebook and country story. then, subconsciously, my cursor scrolled to the time on the right bottom corner of your screen and then it hit me like a big yellow bus - it was that time of month again.
like PMS, today give me a grinding feeling but that only takes effect in my heart. it makes me feel like i'm always short of breath and i'd have to take shallow breaths to control my heart rate. it feels worse now that it's only 2 hours into today and i have another 22 hours to go. damnit.
a few days ago, i began dreaming the impossible by wondering what would i do if you came crawling back. in a heartbeat, i concluded that i would not think twice and take you back. ha ha, i know it's a joke and i'm lying to myself by being delusional but, i guess i'm stupid enough to say that i'm not as strong as mr.pillowtalk. i can't shove that drawer shut and pretend like it doesn't hurt. it's a feeling that creeps around me every second of the day and it surprises me when i least expect it. what else was i suppose to do with this feeling? shout it out the everyone and tell them to go look for him? ridiculous. i know it's stupid to still be writhing here when he's probably moved on. i'm happy for him, i truly am. still, a part of me - the part of me that always believed we were perfect for each other - keeps convincing me the keep hoping and believing the impossible. like everything else that revolves around this part of me, i follow blindly - letting it lead me to nowhere. love is very blind, or so they say. i won't deny that now. for someone who thought she was actually smart, i realized that i am irrevocably stupid.
'i don't mind it, i don't mind at all. it's like you're the swing set and i'm the kid that falls. the way we fight, the times i cried. we come to blows, but everynight, the passion's there so it's gotta be right. right?
no, i don't believe you. when you say you don't come around here no more. i won't remind you, you said we wouldn't be apart.
no i don't believe you. when you say you don't need me anymore. so don't pretend to, not love me at all.
i don't mind it, i still don't mind at all. it's like one of those bad dreams when you can't wake up. it's looks like you've given up, you've had enough. but i want more, no i won't stop. because i just know, you'll come around. right?
no, i don't believe you. when you say you don't come around here no more. i won't remind you, you said we wouldn't be apart.
no i don't believe you. when you say you don't need me anymore. so don't pretend to, not love me at all.
just don't stand there and watch me fall. because i, because i still don't mind at all.
it's like the way we fight, the times i cried. we come to blows, but everynight, the passion's there so it's gotta be right. right?
no, i don't believe you. when you say you don't come around here no more. i won't remind you, you said we wouldn't be apart.
no i don't believe you. when you say you don't need me anymore. so don't pretend to, not love me at all.
i don't believe you.'
0 comments:
Post a Comment